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Do people see any value in sahm anymore
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amother


 

Post Wed, Dec 10 2014, 11:45 pm
I know it's really hard to be a sahm- I've been there
It's definitely not for everyone

Psychologically- It's very challenging to have minimal adult interaction and do the same things over and over every day, sometimes with little sense of accomplishment, and still remain patient and upbeat

Financially- families often need the second income to survive

Lots of women work out of the home and it works out great all around
I definitely think mom's in the workforce is a good thing
But I also think mom's at home is a good thing
It's dependant on the person and their individual circumstances to determine what is best for their family

My question is: Do people today still understand why being a sahm has value?

Or in 2014, has it gone totally out of "style" and looked down at?

If women opt to be sahm's, are they opening themselves up to criticism?
Cuz if that's the case, I find it really sad
Every woman should feel confident and supported in her choices

Is the frum world less sahm-friendly than the world at large?
I feel like maybe its more respected in the non-frum world?

Just curious basically
This is not a loaded question. (I would also find criticism of working mom's horrifying- I have been criticized for working)


Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 10 2014, 11:50 pm; edited 1 time in total
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 10 2014, 11:49 pm
I think you need to define SAHM.
Being a stay at home mom with young children is not the same as being an sahm when your youngest is 8 or 12 or14. I think that the fairest and best thing for children under school age is a mother who stays at home with them. No matter who you leave your children with, only a mother can love and take care of them the way they deserve.
However, I truly cannot understand women who are home when all their kids are in school all day. What do they do after the gym, breakfast with a friend and some grocery shopping. How long does it take to throw in a load of laundry or make supper? I think maybe it's those "sahm"s" that get a bad rap.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Dec 10 2014, 11:53 pm
I'm talking about when there are little ones at home... or maybe a 2 year old in playgroup for a few hours a day...

I changed my OP to anon, makes me feel more comfortable
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Dec 10 2014, 11:58 pm
I think the general trend is to value it less. women today are proving they can have and do it all. a career and a family. someone who only chooses one of the two is seen as weaker and less capable. its not nice but that is the reality.

I am guilty of wondering what SAHMs do all day if their kids are in school. I see less value in that because there is no childcare involved. how much time is needed to clean up and make dinner when there is no one there to bother you?

if someone is a SAHM with kids who are home then it really is a job- its childcare. obviously if you are cut out for it and can afford it, its nice to take care of your own kids instead of hiring someone else to.

personally even if I could afford to stay home with my kids I wouldn't. I know my strengths and being a SAHM is not one of them.
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:00 am
amother wrote:
I'm talking about when there are little ones at home... or maybe a 2 year old in playgroup for a few hours a day...

I changed my OP to anon, makes me feel more comfortable


I wont out you Very Happy
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:05 am
heidi wrote:
I think you need to define SAHM.
Being a stay at home mom with young children is not the same as being an sahm when your youngest is 8 or 12 or14. I think that the fairest and best thing for children under school age is a mother who stays at home with them. No matter who you leave your children with, only a mother can love and take care of them the way they deserve.
However, I truly cannot understand women who are home when all their kids are in school all day. What do they do after the gym, breakfast with a friend and some grocery shopping. How long does it take to throw in a load of laundry or make supper? I think maybe it's those "sahm"s" that get a bad rap.



I agree. its those "SAHM"s who make the real ones look lazy and unaccomplished.

I think they shouldn't be called the same thing. call them SAHW (stay at home woman) or something. they are not mothering their kids for the 7 hours a day that they are in school.

obviously everyone has a right to their own choices and not working doesn't mean lazy. I just think it's unfair to mothers who are home with little ones to pretend you are doing the same thing.
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boysrus




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:07 am
causemommysaid wrote:
I think the general trend is to value it less. women today are proving they can have and do it all. a career and a family. someone who only chooses one of the two is seen as weaker and less capable. its not nice but that is the reality.

I am guilty of wondering what SAHMs do all day if their kids are in school. I see less value in that because there is no childcare involved. how much time is needed to clean up and make dinner when there is no one there to bother you?

if someone is a SAHM with kids who are home then it really is a job- its childcare. obviously if you are cut out for it and can afford it, its nice to take care of your own kids instead of hiring someone else to.

personally even if I could afford to stay home with my kids I wouldn't. I know my strengths and being a SAHM is not one of them.


I have a neighbor whose youngest kid is 8 years old. She is a SAHM. When I ask her (only politely, never accusingly of course) how she fills her time, she is very noncomittal. I sometimes wonder if she secretly works for the FBI because she always seems to deflect the question very well. The only things she ever tells me is that she works out and always has 'tons of appointments'. And she has cleaning help every. single. day. It is not easy to avoid jealousy, when I am back at work with a two month old baby and am juggling so much, being a mother to a bunch of wonderful kids Bli ayin hara, cleaning (cant afford help), cooking , laundry, grocery shopping. So what do you think my neighbor really does all day? I am so curious about this! Do u think that other people also wonder what she does all day? or is it just me?
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wife2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:08 am
I think it is a real value and many women are not cut out for it. I don't know what I would do in the olden days if I had to stay home all day with my kids as I am not naturally the type to love kids and being home all day. Some people's nature and personalities have a harder time staying home occupying and entertaining their children - what would they have done in the past?
There are definitely those that recognize the tremendous effort and strength it takes to be a sahm. However, many need to work for financial or psychological reasons or just because they enjoy it.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:08 am
causemommysaid wrote:
I think the general trend is to value it less. women today are proving they can have and do it all. a career and a family. someone who only chooses one of the two is seen as weaker and less capable. its not nice but that is the reality.

I am guilty of wondering what SAHMs do all day if their kids are in school. I see less value in that because there is no childcare involved. how much time is needed to clean up and make dinner when there is no one there to bother you?

if someone is a SAHM with kids who are home then it really is a job- its childcare. obviously if you are cut out for it and can afford it, its nice to take care of your own kids instead of hiring someone else to.

personally even if I could afford to stay home with my kids I wouldn't. I know my strengths and being a SAHM is not one of them.


(OP)

Yeah I hear you...

So let's say there's a woman who is intelligent but not really successful at balancing a career with taking care of her babies/ young kids- it's too hard on her cuz in her heart she wants to be home with her kids and childcare arrangements are always so complicated and she has no support system to fall back on when the baby is sick or whatever- so she decides to stay home for a few years- would ppl see her as less capable and weaker? Sometimes you have to wonder how many choices feminism took away from women.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:13 am
wife2 wrote:
I think it is a real value and many women are not cut out for it. I don't know what I would do in the olden days if I had to stay home all day with my kids as I am not naturally the type to love kids and being home all day. Some people's nature and personalities have a harder time staying home occupying and entertaining their children - what would they have done in the past?
There are definitely those that recognize the tremendous effort and strength it takes to be a sahm. However, many need to work for financial or psychological reasons or just because they enjoy it.



(OP)

I agree. Women need to have the option of going out to work. Being a SAHM definitely is NOT for many women. But it still should be valued.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:15 am
causemommysaid wrote:
I wont out you Very Happy


Ya LOL thanks Wink

I'm scared of this website. Better off anonymous with anything a bit controversial. Cool
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amother


 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:21 am
I work part time and just recently my youngest started school full day. I wish I were a sahm! I'm more overwhelmed now than when the kids were babies. Depending on how many kids you have,it takes a lot of time to manage a household. It's not just making dinner, though I imagine most sahms with older kids make more nutritious fresh meals than I do. Between shopping for the basics, (and returning basics that the teenagers don't like), keeping the house stocked with food, toilet paper etc, making and going to appointments for the kids' dentist, orthodontist, well checks, random specialists, paying the bills, replenishing school supplies and suddenly outgrown clothing and shoes, waiting for various repair people to come to the house Twisted Evil there's plenty to do. And there are luxuries like DAVENING, going to a shiur, doing chessed. At this point, my older kids are up late, so I dont have my night to myself, and my younger kids are up at the crack of dawn. A little down time during the day would do me well.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:22 am
(OP)

Personally I found SAHM to be really hard, in that I'm a very ADHD-type brain, I need to keep my mind busy and stimulated or I feel like I'm losing my marbles... So ya, I don't think SAHM is for me. But my mom loved being a SAHM and I really admire that and wish I had it in me.
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:25 am
heidi wrote:
I think you need to define SAHM.
Being a stay at home mom with young children is not the same as being an sahm when your youngest is 8 or 12 or14. I think that the fairest and best thing for children under school age is a mother who stays at home with them. No matter who you leave your children with, only a mother can love and take care of them the way they deserve.
However, I truly cannot understand women who are home when all their kids are in school all day. What do they do after the gym, breakfast with a friend and some grocery shopping. How long does it take to throw in a load of laundry or make supper? I think maybe it's those "sahm"s" that get a bad rap.

I think it's not so far fetched if a woman is the mother of a very large family, if she has the option to stay home she may choose to do so - even if her youngest is school age. Taking care of everyone's food, laundry, shopping etc can easily gobble up the few hours till everyone starts coming home.
Also, don't be judgemental. Even once a woman's youngest is in school, she may have been out of the workforce for 20 years. It's not so easy, both practically and psychologically, to break back into it. It may take her time to find a job that she's comfortable with.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:26 am
amother wrote:
I work part time and just recently my youngest started school full day. I wish I were a sahm! I'm more overwhelmed now than when the kids were babies. Depending on how many kids you have,it takes a lot of time to manage a household. It's not just making dinner, though I imagine most sahms with older kids make more nutritious fresh meals than I do. Between shopping for the basics, (and returning basics that the teenagers don't like), keeping the house stocked with food, toilet paper etc, making and going to appointments for the kids' dentist, orthodontist, well checks, random specialists, paying the bills, replenishing school supplies and suddenly outgrown clothing and shoes, waiting for various repair people to come to the house Twisted Evil there's plenty to do. And there are luxuries like DAVENING, going to a shiur, doing chessed. At this point, my older kids are up late, so I dont have my night to myself, and my younger kids are up at the crack of dawn. A little down time during the day would do me well.



(OP)

Wow! Kol Hakovod! I think raising a large family is a huge job in and of itself, for sure. Do u think u would miss getting out and working after a while if u stayed home?
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amother


 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:29 am
Emotional wrote:
I think it's not so far fetched if a woman is the mother of a very large family, if she has the option to stay home she may choose to do so - even if her youngest is school age. Taking care of everyone's food, laundry, shopping etc can easily gobble up the few hours till everyone starts coming home.
Also, don't be judgemental. Even once a woman's youngest is in school, she may have been out of the workforce for 20 years. It's not so easy, both practically and psychologically, to break back into it. It may take her time to find a job that she's comfortable with.


(OP)

I actually think that's the main issue with being a SAHM.

How do you break back into the workforce when your kids are big? It's really hard.
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:31 am
boysrus wrote:
I have a neighbor whose youngest kid is 8 years old. She is a SAHM. When I ask her (only politely, never accusingly of course) how she fills her time, she is very noncomittal. I sometimes wonder if she secretly works for the FBI because she always seems to deflect the question very well. The only things she ever tells me is that she works out and always has 'tons of appointments'. And she has cleaning help every. single. day. It is not easy to avoid jealousy, when I am back at work with a two month old baby and am juggling so much, being a mother to a bunch of wonderful kids Bli ayin hara, cleaning (cant afford help), cooking , laundry, grocery shopping. So what do you think my neighbor really does all day? I am so curious about this! Do u think that other people also wonder what she does all day? or is it just me?

Why is anyone so busy wondering what other people do with their time? Maybe she has a chronic health condition that she doesn't want to talk about. Maybe she is still trying to find herself. Or maybe whatever! She doesn't owe you an explanation!
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amother


 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:43 am
Emotional wrote:
Why is anyone so busy wondering what other people do with their time? Maybe she has a chronic health condition that she doesn't want to talk about. Maybe she is still trying to find herself. Or maybe whatever! She doesn't owe you an explanation!


THIS!! Years ago when I was young and stupid I thought this way about a sahm with one child and the child was in school all day. Turned out she had cancer!
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amother


 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 12:51 am
amother wrote:
(OP)

Wow! Kol Hakovod! I think raising a large family is a huge job in and of itself, for sure. Do u think u would miss getting out and working after a while if u stayed home?


I think I would keep myself productive with occasional chessed/learning/volunteering at kids' schools types of things. Its not the same stress as working, doesn't take up as much of your brain. Very Happy
I wondered aloud to a coworker if I would be bored once all my kids were out of school, she said by then, IYH, I'd be busy with my grandchildren!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Dec 11 2014, 1:46 am
Why do you care what anyone has to say about anyone else's parenting choices?

Every family is different, every woman, every child - there are too many variables to list.

And as Emotional put it so well, nobody owes anyone an explanation for anything!

Personally, I think that the obsession in the frum community with "what will the neighbors think" is extremely unhealthy and counterproductive. Life is not supposed to be based on an outsider's opinion. Think for yourself, listen to your heart, and make your own decisions.
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