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Do people see any value in sahm anymore
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MamaBear




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 12 2014, 12:29 pm
I didn't read all the responses. I do have a toddler at home now so I watch her all day.

On top of that I do much more chessed and volunteer work than working mothers. Hours a week. Helping out at the school and other organizations and stay at home moms are the first ones those places call.

Working mothers complain they are too crazed, too busy, too overwhelmed....stay at home moms are clearly underworked in their eyes.

So who's just right? Is there any one out there who's perfectly balanced?
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boysrus




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 12 2014, 12:32 pm
amother wrote:
I'm a SAHM who does not have heart disease, cancer or depression b'h and still say home by myself. (Do not look at every lady who stays home as having some sort of major catasrophe) My youngest is 4 and in playgroup .

I get her out by 9:15 and then daven
I go walking around the lake for an hour, which eats up an hour and a half (getting there, back showering)
At this point it's slightly past 11.
I run errands so that on Sunday I do not have to drag my kids anywhere. Think library, grocery, Costco, walmart etc.
prepare supper
clean up
I volunteer for my kids school, organize family sheva brochos, chanuka parties etc because everyone else works.
I'm the one who is available to visit Grandpa, drive my friend to the hospital to visit her sick husband and make a meal for the one who just had a baby.
I go to the bank, dry cleaners and for the oil change. My husband is not available at all to help (someone has to make the money).
Is do I live a leisure lifestyle? absolutely. And I love it!


Thank you so much for posting this. Now that I am reading this, I can see how you fill your time. and that is all I was saying all along - I am so curious (not, as some posters thought, judging anyone at all)as to how people fill their day...
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amother


 

Post Fri, Dec 12 2014, 12:54 pm
I remember when my youngest was in playgroup. I went to pick him up and another mom with more babies said to me, did you get some good shopping done? Meanwhile nobody knew that DH and I were going for couples therapy which was very needed during that time.

Other things I have done as a SAHM:
had lunch with my mom
read
listened to shiurim and a parenting class
volunteered at a local school
read some more


I miss those days. Smile
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amother


 

Post Fri, Dec 12 2014, 1:49 pm
nyer1 wrote:
I'm going to say something very bold that a lot of people are going to get angry for but I really can't help it.

I definitely see the value in being a SAHM. in a perfect world, we would ALL stay home and raise our babies because after all, who does it better than the mommy?

BUT…

in today's day (at least in America), between tuition, cost of kosher food, cost of living near major cities (like the tri state area), MOST of us, unless our husbands make a HUGE salary or we are living off of MAJOR yerusha, MOST of us simply can't afford it, without taking SOME sort of help from SOMEWHERE… and that INCLUDES yeshiva tuition breaks.

unfortunately, I think being a SAHM is a LUXURY, and not everyone can afford to do it. but some people do it anyway, and that bothers me.

edited to add…

of course there are extenuating circumstances. health issues etc etc. I just feel as though there are women out there that can't REALLY afford to do it , but stay home anyway. it makes me feel frustrated because of course I would love to stay home too but we both work in order to pay our bills


don't get angry. it's my opinion. thanks.


(OP)

I hear the frustration on your part (middle class in USA is seriously struggling and mistreated). Add to that, expenses of the frum lifestyle... It's so hard.

But- do you also feel that frustration about kollel families? Just as Tatty learning in kollel is a strong value for some, being a stay at home mother is a strong value for some. It's a hard thing to judge others simply because the financial situation today is so difficult. Also, good daycare is not cheap. It's a complicated world.
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L25




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 12 2014, 1:57 pm
MO schools, in the tristate area at least, don't usually have kollel families but they do have SAHMs.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 12 2014, 2:21 pm
boysrus wrote:
Thank you so much for posting this. Now that I am reading this, I can see how you fill your time. and that is all I was saying all along - I am so curious (not, as some posters thought, judging anyone at all)as to how people fill their day...


Well in that case...

I drive the kids to school at 8:45.
I come home and make the beds, clean up from breakfast, clean up toys, throw in a load, fold dry laundry, do dishes, make phone calls.
I go on errands- bank, cleaners, target, grocery, clothing shopping, dr appointments, manicure
I babysit my nieces and nephews if their sick cause their moms work
I volunteer- take old ladies shopping. For groceries, drive people to the doctor
I make supper
I pick up the kids at four o clock
Play with them
Serve supper at five
Do homework till six
Bathe kids
Take them to extra curricular activities
Read then bed time story
Help with pjs, tooth brushing
Say shema with them
Lay with them until they fall asleep

These are some of the many things I do all day. There is plenty more that I just didn't list
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amother


 

Post Fri, Dec 12 2014, 2:27 pm
mommy2b2c wrote:
Well in that case...

I drive the kids to school at 8:45.
I come home and make the beds, clean up from breakfast, clean up toys, throw in a load, fold dry laundry, do dishes, make phone calls.
I go on errands- bank, cleaners, target, grocery, clothing shopping, dr appointments, manicure
I babysit my nieces and nephews if their sick cause their moms work
I volunteer- take old ladies shopping. For groceries, drive people to the doctor
I make supper
I pick up the kids at four o clock
Play with them
Serve supper at five
Do homework till six
Bathe kids
Take them to extra curricular activities
Read then bed time story
Help with pjs, tooth brushing
Say shema with them
Lay with them until they fall asleep

These are some of the many things I do all day. There is plenty more that I just didn't list


(OP)

Cool.

Does the lack of a set structure bother you ever? Do you ever feel under-stimulated or bored? Do you have other sahm friends to socialize with?
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amother


 

Post Fri, Dec 12 2014, 2:30 pm
(OP)

LOL I'm really bad at this Amother thing
Ok I posted under my screenname and switched it to Anon
How to ppl do this Amother thing without forgetting !
LOL
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Dec 12 2014, 2:41 pm
amother wrote:
(OP)

Cool.

Does the lack of a set structure bother you ever? Do you ever feel under-stimulated or bored? Do you have other sahm friends to socialize with?


Lack of structure never bothers me. I structure myself. I am never bored or under stimulated. I do go for lunch with friends once in a while but usually I'm just to busy.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Dec 12 2014, 3:25 pm
mommy2b2c wrote:
Lack of structure never bothers me. I structure myself. I am never bored or under stimulated. I do go for lunch with friends once in a while but usually I'm just to busy.


(OP)

Interesting.
I found SAHM to be boring (busy but in a repetitive kind of way) and isolating.... but rewarding to be there for my babies...
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devash1




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 13 2014, 2:24 pm
I stay at home with my kids. I feel like I'm busy all of the time and when I mention going to work my kids tell me, please don't we like that you have time for us.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 13 2014, 2:50 pm
Some are choosing indeed kollel and one working wife, others sahm and one working husband. Even if it means being helped/discounts/tuition breaks.

As for how active, I know working or non working moms who volunteer (granted, very few- cultural), W and NW who think homework is something they should assist to or not, W and NW who value extracurriculars...

There are housewives constantly entertaining, taking out... the kid(s) and others just there when needed. Personality, culture.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Dec 13 2014, 2:53 pm
I think it betrays a real lack of imagination when someone says they have no idea what a sahm does all day.

I had a period of months when I was just married when I was sick and had to stay at home, mostly in bed. For about a year.

I decorated challah covers and sold them.
I researched my family history and published a book for the family.
I edited 3 books.
I did physio every day.
I learnt to bake professional style and made exciting meals for myself, dh and chesed meals for others to take round.
I developed stronger relationships with siblings, sisters in law and grandparents, cousins, and other extended family.
I learned a lot: parsha shiurim, rambam, nach, halacha etc
I made beautiful photo albums for every simcha in the family.
I read novels and participated in online book groups.
I learnt to paint on glass and silk.
I learnt to sew my own clothes.

I did lots of other life enhancing activites that few have the pleasure to do, and I had an amazing time doing it. And I learnt lots about myself in the process, and was really happy. And did lots of good things for other people.


So who cares if you're not a washed out shmatta, that is not the only way to fulfillment. Why are women so good at judging each other negatively and looking down on others for "achieving" less concretely, but not appreciating the more self fulfilling and personal development/ enjoyable side of life.
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 13 2014, 6:40 pm
nyer1 wrote:
when people are SAHMs when they can otherwise be working and they so easily get tuition assistance or government programs and I'm the struggling middle class who doesn't get anything and pay full tuition, then yes. it bothers me.

Yes but maybe their circumstances are now such that they wouldn't earn enough to afford childcare and come home with anything, or maybe they are truly too overwhelmed to work when they have little kids (to the point of illness - like I was), etc.
Does your job give you mental and emotional satisfaction? If it does, the SAHMs who know you are probably a lot more jealous of you than you are of them.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Dec 13 2014, 6:47 pm
nyer1 wrote:
when people are SAHMs when they can otherwise be working and they so easily get tuition assistance or government programs and I'm the struggling middle class who doesn't get anything and pay full tuition, then yes. it bothers me.

Anonymous because I know I will be attacked for saying this.
The bottom line is that we all make choices in life. And hopefully we choose what is best for our families. Your family perhaps benefits best by you working. If your neighbor chooses to stay home because that is what her children need, please realize that her first obligation is to her children and not to her jealous neighbor.
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nyer1




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 13 2014, 7:00 pm
Emotional wrote:
Yes but maybe their circumstances are now such that they wouldn't earn enough to afford childcare and come home with anything, or maybe they are truly too overwhelmed to work when they have little kids (to the point of illness - like I was), etc.
Does your job give you mental and emotional satisfaction? If it does, the SAHMs who know you are probably a lot more jealous of you than you are of them.



then how about if a person has such a job that they can't afford childcare maybe they should go for higher education ?? I'm sorry I just really cannot even fathom it.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Dec 13 2014, 7:04 pm
nyer1 wrote:
then how about if a person has such a job that they can't afford childcare maybe they should go for higher education ?? I'm sorry I just really cannot even fathom it.


Some people can't afford higher education.... That's the real world.... where people really are stuck between a rock and a hard place....
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 13 2014, 7:09 pm
amother wrote:
(OP)

Interesting.
I found SAHM to be boring (busy but in a repetitive kind of way) and isolating.... but rewarding to be there for my babies...


Everyone's different. I personally feel completely fulfilled taking care of my children and house all day and helping others. I also hate being bossed around so I don't do well working for others. My youngest is getting quite big and sometimes I feel completely useless because I don't have a baby to care for. All I want is to be a sahm and take care of my babies. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem to be what G-d wants from right now.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Dec 13 2014, 7:09 pm
nyer1 wrote:
then how about if a person has such a job that they can't afford childcare maybe they should go for higher education ?? I'm sorry I just really cannot even fathom it.

Well it sounds like you have everyone's life all figured out.
You have a real chip on your shoulder. Stop analyzing and judging other people.
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Dec 13 2014, 7:11 pm
amother wrote:
Anonymous because I know I will be attacked for saying this.
The bottom line is that we all make choices in life. And hopefully we choose what is best for our families. Your family perhaps benefits best by you working. If your neighbor chooses to stay home because that is what her children need, please realize that her first obligation is to her children and not to her jealous neighbor.

This!!!! Applause
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