not invited | Imamother

debsey

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 4:29 pm

amother wrote:

I'm the mother of one of the marrieds. Seems like the other side who made the sheva brochos didn't want me there and the new couple thought so too. They said it was just for friends.

After everything I've done to make their dream come true. I spent the night crying. The pain was deep gutted.

I'm sorry, maybe this is cultural, but I think this is wrong.
If "HER" parents made it, "HIS" parents should be there.

If it was made SOLELY by kids - her dormmates, his chavrusos - and NO one over the age of 25 is there, that's another thing.

But it sounds like one side made it and didn't invite the other side. That doesn't sound right to me. As it is, OP is in a vulnerable situation - as wonderful as it is to marry off kids, it's also a loss - why hurt her?

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 5:38 pm

amother wrote:

I'm sorry. Sometimes people are obnoxious. I know a couple who broke off their engagement because the chassans side planned to host a sheva brochos but did not invite the kallahs family. Kallah was was very upset and there were words. Chassan decided maybe she wasn't for him after all. They both came from very different hashkafic backgrounds - in her circles inviting both sets of parents was expected, evidently not in his.

If this is in fact THE reason why they broke off their engagement, that is extremely sad and trivial. To break up a potential marriage because of this? Im sorry. You/we are definitely missing some information here.

amother

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 5:41 pm

amother wrote:

This is absolutely inexcusable. Sometimes it's impossible to figure out how people think...

But at the end of the day, OP, you know - and Hashem knows - how much good you've done for them. And you can look at yourself in the mirror and be PROUD Very Happy

causemommysaid

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 7:02 pm

if it was a friend sheva brachos for only young 20 year olds then no harm was intended.

this case is horrible. the other set of inlaws made the sheva brachos and did not invite the other set of parents? totally wrong and nasty.

in a few weeks, when things settle down, you should say something to your child. getting married is not excuse to treat your parents that way. make it about how you felt, not about how mean the other side was.

bluebird

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 9:49 pm

People don't always make the best decisions. People can be hurt by other people, regardless of intention. So, even if there was a perfectly logical reason why OP wasn't invited, it doesn't invalidate that she is hurt and feels snubbed.

OP, would it help to talk to your child just to say that that not being invited hurt you, without asking for justification? I find that just getting recognition and an apology for unintended action—while being reassured that I am loved/valued as appropriate—helps me. It takes care of the feeling without getting into a rehashing of what's already been done.

Hug

Leahh

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 11:05 am

Amother, I just want to tell you I feel for you and understand your hurt feelings.
I recently had a mother of the chosson at my house for shalosh seudos on the shabbos of shabbos Sheva brochos. She had not been invited to join the Sheva brochos that the kallahs parents made for that meal. It was really hard for her and upsetting especially seeing that by the aufruf the week before the kallahs family was invited to all 3 meals.
Unfortunately there's not much you can do. Speaking up to the children may cause a rift either with you or the inlaws. So it's best to just vent here.

causemommysaid

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 11:08 am

Leahh wrote:

wow those people are beyond nasty. I thought cliques ended in high school.

what is wrong with people?

ROFL

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 11:44 am

Hugs to you. It seems very painful. Not to point any fingers but is there an issue that they are upset with you , either the machetim or the newly wed couple. It seems from one of your posts that the couple agreed with the outlaws position, so rightfully or not they are angry at you.
I still think that no matter what there is an issue of kavod and that they should have invited you and then talked to you about what they are angry about after all the wedding huppla

amother

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 11:51 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Of course the SB was not the only reason. But it was a catalyst. It may not have broken off without it, but then again those issues would probably have emerged later when they were already married. Its probably not a bad idea to see how your potential spouse reacts under pressure before signing on the dotted line.

amother

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 12:20 pm

It sounds like you do feel very excluded. I am so sorry. Really, really try and not focus on these feelings so that they overwhelm you. When you do have time alone with your newly married child, you can mention it, so that you do not have to go through situations like this in the future. However, try to focus on letting your child adjust happily to all the challenges associated with married life. You have done amazing things for your child... now they are building a new family. Hopefully, he/ or she will remember everything and this situation will be like a bad phase (blip)... Focus on the continuity of your relationship and all the things you wish for this newly married couple.

debsey

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 1:44 pm

debsey wrote:

amother wrote:

Just wanted to say that if anybody knew the full story, you would cry too. Many details were left out due to the sensitivity of the situation.

debsey wrote:

So very not smart. As it is, new relationships are fragile. Why strain the couple even more? Be NICE. Didn't anyone learn that in Kindergarten?

amother wrote:

Be NICE?!
Are you kidding me?!
Tell that to the outlaws.
I AM NICE!!!!!!

debsey wrote:

That's what I'm saying - I'm talking about the in-laws, not about YOU.......

amother wrote:

whew

amother who is hurt by this - please take what I am saying in the spirit of utmost respect and solidarity.

Look closely over our exchange, which I've quoted.

Even though it is clear that I am allied with you, as soon as you PERCEIVED that I might be criticizing you, (which I clearly wasn't), you jumped down my throat. Understandable -you are in pain.

You are so reactive right now, you are so much in an emotional state, because you were hurt so deeply, that you need to be REALLY careful. It is very likely that even something small and innocent regarding this young couple will set you off.

It is UNDERSTANDABLE and I'm not blaming you - I'm just saying, know thyself! Know that right now you're in an emotional, hurt, state, and what you hear may not be what the other person is saying - I say this because you will be talking to the young couple and interacting with them - you may misinterpret something that they say, due to your heightened emotions.

Does that make sense to you? I'm not blaming or flaming, I'm just pointing out a tendency that humans have when hurt. We become reactive. What I'm saying is - step carefully, Here Be Danger.

causemommysaid

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 2:03 pm

debsey wrote:

debsey, I also thought thats what you meant. Your post was not so clear that you meant the other side.

Fox

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 2:09 pm

amother wrote:

Just wanted to say that if anybody knew the full story, you would cry too. Many details were left out due to the sensitivity of the situation.

This makes it a little hard to respond in a useful way.

Still, I'm having a lot of trouble relating. I would actually be thankful that my children and mechutanim were letting me off the hook for one evening.

I've made a lot of sheva brochos over the years, and parents were not necessarily included at all or even most. It seems only recently that inviting parents and other family members to *all* the sheva brochos has become a "thing" in certain circles, and I feel like it has only added to upping the ante of chassunahs.

As you say, there's apparently more to the story. Still, I'd be inclined to put my feet up for the evening, eat some ice cream, and cackle with glee that I didn't have to go out! And if my exclusion had been meant as an insult, I'd eat an extra helping of ice cream and figure I'd still gotten the best end of the deal.