A mad hatter and a moral dilemma

amother

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 10:55 pm

This is not a story about Wonderland, and the hatter isn't really mad, only a bit upset. And confused. Also, this could go under family, fashion, or finances, but here goes.

What would you do in my place?

A relative was here from overseas for a short while to attend a simcha. She is extremely budget conscious as her husband is in kollel. She asked to borrow my custom-made wedding hat, and I gave it to her gladly without a second thought.

And... she lost it. The poor (literally...) woman wants to pay me for a new one, but I just feel awful taking her money.

On the other hand, I need a simcha hat. It's not a matter of fashion or luxury, but tznius. I own just one other hat which is not appropriate for a simcha or shabbos. I would need to spend money for a new custom-made one (and my money garden does not produce such bountiful harvests to sponsor extras).

What would you do? My husband has agreed to ask her for only half the price of a new one. I must note that she is offering to pay whatever it'll cost me because she feels guilty.

Sale season has begun, so I might find a deal on a sample or something, but as I said, these are usually not off-the-shelf. Should I pay half from our money and the other half from my own personal savings, and count it as tzedakah, or do what my husband suggested and ask her for half?

What would you do?

TwinsMommy

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 11:00 pm

those are huge-- how on earth did she lose it?

I'd ask for half---- very respectfully, very regretfully, after helping her search for it, explaining that I really loved that hat and will be purchasing a similar one and would very much appreciate splitting the cost.

If she hadn't offered to pay, I'm not sure what I'd do. but she did offer..... so I'd ask for half.

I wouldn't take her monetary background into account--- we all have expenses and we all make choices--- it's her choice to live a kollel life just as it would be her choice for both her and her husband to be working and have more funds.

pause

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 11:02 pm

TwinsMommy wrote:

I think that blaming her poverty on her kollel life is not very mature in the current situation.

working hard

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 11:07 pm

She will probably feel very bad if you refuse to take money from her at all. I would ask for a sum that is enough for her to think it would replace the hat but still less then 1/4 of what such a hat really costs.
My Israeli aunt once bleached my very expensive skirt bought for a specific occasion, for which I had saved up money for a while. I NEVER spend so much on clothing! She told me she would pay for it. I would never ask her for the full price as there is no way she could afford it. However, I told her I can get a new skirt for $30, still a large sum for her but no where near the price of that skirt (over $200). I used the money from her for a new regular skirt. She walked away with her self respect intact.

amother

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 11:13 pm

OP here. I feel awful taking money because she may as well have bought herself a hat and walked away with something! She was trying to save money. I guess the loss was bashert for her, she would've probably lost her own new hat...

I have no idea where to lppk for it as she was all over with the package. And it's not so huge lol. A chassidish hat is not like the royal wedding hats you're picturing. I'll bet they're just as expensive though. Confused

I agree with working hard, that I have to consider her self esteem. I will be able to tell her that sales are fantastic now... I would love to write it off as tzedakah, but it's not only my decision (except if I use my own money and don't tell my husband. Feels dishonest.)

pause

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 11:14 pm

working hard wrote:

Good point!

pause

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 11:16 pm

amother wrote:

They definitely change styles a lot faster than the royal wedding hats... You can even buy yourself an updated hat now! What a good excuse to buy a new one!

amother

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 11:28 pm

amother wrote:

How much do these hats cost?

OP.
Between $150 and $200. I'll have to look around to see sale prices.

Regarding updated ones, the ones in stock are the current/last season. I bought mine very recently. And I loved it... and I hate shopping... that's where the mad part comes in. Oh well. Gam zu letovah.

TwinsMommy

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 11:40 pm

can you post a pic of these hats just because I'm curious?

I'm MO and live in Cleveland--- we don't have many Chassideshe folks here. I do have a Chassideshe friend on facebook (who is here on imamother of course) and she posts pics of herself in turbans---- I'm sure you're not talking about those--- those are like snoods.

I was thinking perhaps you're MO and were talking about the big fancy shul hats some ladies wear (myself, I'm more of a shaitel/ tichel/ smaller hat kind of gal)

amother

Mon, Dec 15 2014, 11:46 pm

Chassidish women who wear hats wear lots of different types. The ones I'm talking about are hat/bands. Fabric or stiff materials are attached to a thin headband, and cut to whatever length the individual needs.

They make them with fancy feathers and cute bows, gathered lace and mesh layers... rhinestones and beads, even glitter and sequences... some are really beautiful. Just so expensive, especially relative to the cost of the materials.

I would post a pic if I would have one to show!
Anyone?

Dolly Welsh

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 1:52 am

Here are some hats. Maybe OP could buy a few, have a hat party, or give her friend one and laugh the whole thing off. Or something.

http://www.lightinthebox.com/I.....age=2

There are some fancy ones as you go down the page, and on the next pages.

This one is small brim.

http://www.lightinthebox.com/g......html

naturalmom5

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 2:11 am

It depends . If she is like 19 or very slow , then MAYBE call it tzodoka
If she is married a few yrs and in her mid 20s, she has to learn to be more responsible for peoples things
You aren't doing her any favors by paying for her

abby1776

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 3:06 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Although very lovely, these are not the Chassidish hats the OP was referring to that one wears over a shietel

chani8

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 5:40 am

Listen to your DH, since you don't know what to do. Tell your friend that this is how your DH poskened. Wink

But first, maybe together you and your friend could try to track it down. There are "lost and founds" at simcha halls and hotels and taxi companies.