No 1 brings dinner when your daughter is an addict

33055

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 12:29 pm

southernbubby wrote:

If a community has a large established bikur cholim that raises money and has volunteers who give specific chunks of time or involvement, it is easier to help in long term situations. If I were to volunteer, for example for one afternoon a week for whatever situation the bikur cholim was sending me to, I would know that my time from 2 p.m. to 4 p.m. belonged to the person in that situation but outside of that, I was not giving up my own life for someone else's highly involved and complicated situation. People get very overwhelmed if too much is expected.

None of the families I am thinking of had their relief organized by bikur cholim. Individual ladies saw a need. Taking care of someone's children can be a round the clock chessed.

southernbubby

Tue, Dec 16 2014, 12:38 pm

Squishy wrote:

None of the families I am thinking of had their relief organized by bikur cholim. Individual ladies saw a need. Taking care of someone's children can be a round the clock chessed.

Most people that I know personally would be overwhelmed if they tried to take care of someone else's children around the clock for a lengthy period of time. For example, I don't know of any couples in our community who are certified to do foster care. The other situation is that probably at least 80% of women today work at least part time so they are not at home anymore to babysit for other children. Those who are SAHM are not always willing to extend themselves for long periods of time either.

It is wonderful if individual community members can undertake something like that and support each other and prevent burn-out in those who are getting involved. In many communities, there are a few chessed-minded individuals who do most of the chessed and the rest are minimally or not involved but many times they are willing to donate money in place of time.

ora_43

Wed, Dec 17 2014, 4:12 am

amother wrote:

My dd has depression with anxiety It is hard to be part of the frum community. Questions like what is she doing, where is she up to , what is with shidduchim? When she can't come to simcha's because she has anxiety people ask question. If she does come and stays by herself away from people, they talk about her.
Part of her depression is that she does not take care of her personal body and people talk about it.
Then there are the questions for me. Are you getting her help, does she go to therapy and take medications
Then other wonderful advice. You are enabling her. Can't you just tell her she needs to get a job, can't you just put her into an apartment and tell her you'll. pay the first few months rent but she must take responsibility

When reading this forum I see many women admit to having psychiatric issues. How did you overcome your barriers in order to meet someone get married and be successful , or as much as you could?

The community has to change the way its look at people with psychiatric disabilities

On the one hand, I read this and my first thought is that it sounds like people are being nosy and rude.

(My second, slightly more charitable thought was that they might be worried you are in denial about her condition, and are trying to hint (/state outright) that she needs help.)

But then I also thought - isn't this similar to what the author is saying people should do?

Quote:

Friends talk about cancer and other physical maladies more easily than about psychological afflictions. Breasts might draw blushes, but brains are unmentionable. These questions are rarely heard: “How’s your depression these days?” “What improvements do you notice now that you have treatment for your ADD?” “Do you find your manic episodes are less intense now that you are on medication?” “What does depression feel like?” “Is the counseling helpful?”

Of course, he's not saying people should talk about people behind their backs, or say things like "can't you just... " But it sounds like he's suggesting that questions about going to therapy or taking medications should be in the realm of normal conversation, just like how friends might ask how chemo is going.

What do you all think of that aspect? If someone said, "So how's your daughter's therapy going?" or "Are you doing OK with the whole sobriety thing," that kind of thing - would you think it's a refreshingly open approach to addiction/mental illness, or horribly nosy and rude?

Is there any difference between what you think is ideal now, vs. in an ideal world? Like, say, in an ideal world people would be able to say that, but if someone said it today, you'd assume they were being a jerk?

cinnamon

Wed, Dec 17 2014, 4:48 am

ora_43 wrote:

What do you all think of that aspect? If someone said, "So how's your daughter's therapy going?" or "Are you doing OK with the whole sobriety thing," that kind of thing - would you think it's a refreshingly open approach to addiction/mental illness, or horribly nosy and rude?

I wouldn't want anyone to ask me "how is it going with therapy?" but I wouldn't want anyone to ask me "How is it going with chemo?" either...
I am really private and would want everyone to just ignore whatever issue I am having which is what I do when talking to people. But as I see here not everyone is like that, some people would like to be asked about there hardships. So how do you know what the right thing to do is?

amother

Wed, Dec 17 2014, 6:18 pm

southernbubby wrote:

From my understanding, it is better not to ask but to just say, "I know that you are going through something and I am inviting your kids to come to eat pizza with us on Monday night" or some similar offer.

This a thousand times over. Offer a solid suggestion to help the family vs second guessing. Or if you have a good eitzah for help then give it but not with a negative of what are you doing don't you know better
Be very matter of fact, I have heard about this therapy option , can I send you the info in an email?

Mom of depressed and anxious child !

amother

Thu, Dec 18 2014, 10:50 am

I want to share a story:

A few weeks ago, I was at a ladies event in my city. It was a small event, around 40 people.

A woman got up and said, "I want to thank everyone for the support that they've given me through this difficult time, it really means so much to me. All the meals, and all the support, all the chessed...." she went on just to express her HaKaras HaTov to all the ladies in the community for how they've helped her through a difficult period.

I didn't know what she was talking about-.

It turns out.....her husband was arrested in a HUGE drug bust. Apparently, he had a very large stash of something in their house, and had been dealing (BH, not to frum people!!!) for a while. I don't know much about drug busts, but it was pretty big.

No bail for him, he was in jail for about 6 weeks. She got meals, shabbos invites, rides, etc... No one left her by herself at that time, even though her husband was involved in a fairly heinous crime.

I was away when it happened, and BH, no one felt a need to tell me about it. I would have never known had she not gotten up at that chinese auction to thank the ladies.