SIL inviting herself for shabbos. Mikvah Friday night. WWYD?

amother

Sun, Dec 28 2014, 9:22 pm

The title says it all. SIL is single and never came to visit. We have a baby (the only grandchild on dhs side) that she never sees. She is part of a program that is bringing her locally for a week and they can stay with the program or go wherever they want for shabbos (I don't think she will have the chance to visit at any other time during the week). I feel terrible telling her it is a bad week but even if I could get over her figuring out where I'm going (ummmm, where would we be disappearing to and leaving her all alone right after candle lighting?? She may not figure it out because she is single but it will seem quite rude) but I also really don't want her being there mikvah night. We have a small one bedroom apartment and would have to find somewhere to put her up and can't exactly ask her to go back to bed 6pm when the seudah is over (and quite frankly when we go to bed these days on Friday night). On the one hand I feel like I have to suck it up because she never asks but on the other hand I know that it doesn't have to be a good week for me just because she happens to be in the neighborhood. I have a REALLY hard time with nida so yes, the extra day would be a big deal. A very big deal. WWYD?

AhuvasIma

Sun, Dec 28 2014, 9:31 pm

Ouch, that's definitely a tough one. Is there any way you can come up with a good story? You have a tehillim group you go to, an elderly lady you go visit, etc. tell her it will be really helpful if she can watch your child... And then make this the exception and don't go to sleep right after the meal...

Hatzlacha!

amother

Sun, Dec 28 2014, 9:39 pm

Program is within an hour drive so it's not like she can stay with them and just come for a meal. And she would be more than happy to visit an old lady or join me at a tehillim group.

This is the same sister in law I posted about several months ago who invited herself when I was either due or past due (I don't remember exactly how pregnant I was but very very). At the time she found several solutions (she tried finding her own hosts that could have her for meals if I went into labor, etc) that thankfully didn't work out. I don't know what's with her and picking SUPER bad days for us lol. She's really sweet and I like her a lot but seriously bad timing!

Also, this cycle is even harder because we've been apart nights recently with our work schedule so lost almost an extra week :/ we have a hard enough time without that! This is next week I'm talking about. Lately I've been making it on day 12 and hope to keep it up (though too soon to know for sure) but I'm hoping that even in a worst case scenario it would at the very latest be day 13 which would be motzei shabbos when she would still be here (and be all excited to go out with us) so it would still have to be a no.

Oh, and about making that week the exception and not going to sleep early--we have a really brutal schedule all week and that's when we get our sleep. It wasn't code for any hanky panky lol we're usually too tired for that too!

amother

Sun, Dec 28 2014, 9:41 pm

If you can't make an excuse of something, I would just tell her you have something really urgent and private that you need to take care of and would she mind staying with the baby for half an hour? People are allowed to have secrets. Since she is single, she probably won't figure it out and if she does, it's not the end of the world. I am sure she can be tactful enough not to say anything.

Dina_B613

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 12:29 am

Possible Solution #1: Your DH stays home with her on Friday while you "run out" to "help a friend."

Possible Solution #2: Talk to a Rabbi or call the Nishmat hotline. Explain the situation. When a friend of mine lived a community with no mikvah, she was told that she could go to the mikvah Friday afternoon as long as she didn't see her husband till Shabbat.

Possible Solution #3: See if it's at all possible to go on Thurs or Saturday night. (Discussing with Rav or Nishmat - obviously)

Possible Solution #4: Find a way for her to eat out Friday night (tell her it's too grueling for you to cook with a baby) - go to the mikvah, stay home with DH for the seuda while she eats out, and then you all have lunch together.

Possible Solution #5: You all eat Friday night seuda at a friend's house, you slip out quietly while your SIL hangs out with your friend, your dh, etc.

I think it's really important to explore alternatives. Your SIL barely knows your baby. She has tried to visit you before, albeit at horrible times, but still - she's trying! Too many "no's" (even for good reasons) can make someone feel unwanted and not invite themselves again.

RachelEve14

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 12:40 am

How far away does she live from you. When you say she is local for a week are you talking we live in Israel and she lives in NY and her program in in Tzfat just this week and if we don't see her then who knows when we will, or are you talking she's on a program in NY, you live in Brooklyn, and she will have another out Shabbot in a month.

If this is really the only chance to make it work for a long time I think you have to figure out a way to just have her. She wants to see her new niece / nephew, and her brother and her sister in law. I know my nieces & nephews live in England and if they are in Israel for any reason we make it work for that Shabbot. The poster above had a lot of good suggestions, but in the end family is family and you can't keep saying "no, it's not a good week" especially when the next chance for a good week might be in 6 months and guess what that's mikvah night too!

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 1:18 am

I agree. If she lives hours away, you need to host her with a smile and that's that. Otherwise you could damage your relationship forever.

Personally I would postpone mikva for a night or two, its not ideal but it would be the best option for me. BH your relationship with dh is stable and you will have your night in 48 hours rather than now. You will have the option of being together 12 nights this month instead of 14.
I know many sisters who would be terribly. offended if they werent hosted when coming from oot. Dont ruin everything for 48 hours.

vicki

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:00 am

I would have her over, make whatever plans regarding Mikva that you would have without SIL. For example, dh stays home from shul. Just say I have to run out for a few minutes. Be vague. A normal person won't keep asking. DH can repeat the same thing. "I'm not sure, she'll be back soon"...
Then go to bed at a later time after dinner and some pleasant conversation. Say, 9:00 or so.

belolah

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 4:35 am

vicki wrote:

I would do exactly this!
Depending how far the mikva is from your house, it shouldn't take too long and something like "dropping off a cake at a friend who just had a baby" is a great excuse.
If she figures it out, hopefully she'll be discreet and mature enough not to make an issue of it. I would make an extra special effort to accommodate her since she isn't often in the area.

luppamom

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 6:19 am

Is she the type that likes to go to shul Friday night? (If it's normal for women to go to your shul?) If this is the case, have DH convince her that she'll really like it, the singing is nice etc. If that works, it's really easy. Do whatever you would've done w/ your DD otherwise. If you come back late, just say "woops, went on a walk (true Smile

) lost track of time!" As for sleeping, I would arrange for her to stay somewhere else if I could. Even if it wasn't mikva night, staying in a one bedroom apartment especially w/ a young couple is usually not so comfortable. I would do as another poster posted and stay up until 9:00 pm s/t early, but normal. Also, if SIL can't stay somewhere else, I would turn on your heat or a fan (I know it's the wrong season, but not sure how noisy the heat is.) both in her room and in your room. That really helps cancel out sound.

amother

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 6:46 am

OP. So she is from out of town but not that out of town that she can't come another week (about four hour trip). She in a program a little farther away this year and will likely only see the baby on holidays (Purim and pesach coming up) for this year. We did not say no last time it didn't work out on her end. Also, I don't want to push off mikvah. 48 hours is an incredibly long time for me. I'm fairly newliwed and really struggle with this mitzvah. I also work crazy hours making the 12 days Im left with more like 6. Also, dh was going to walk with me. I'm not offering to walk alone. I was liking the beginning of this thread better lol when everyone was saying I should say no!

abound

Mon, Dec 29 2014, 6:50 am

four hours away is quite far and being that the next time you will see her is in almost 3 months I suggest you find a way to make it work. Tell her that you need to run out to visit someone and would appreciate if she can watch your baby and make it easier. Or take your baby and let DH watch her. Your Dh can still walk with her. You just have to go to sleep and hour or two later. Part of life is learning to juggle the many different things that come up. This is more than just doable. It is just slightly uncomfortable.