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Forum
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amother
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 Wed, Dec 31 2014, 5:18 pm
| amother wrote: |  AFAIK normal people don't need to lie in bed all day "cuddling"  specially if you are not newly weds but people with a baby around who also needs care and attention (bummer) . People can hug here and there at home discretely or act warm and affectionate without it leading to public intercourse.
Is not like the average frum woman gets home post mikvah and expects to have marathon intimate encounters for the whole day or weekend (ouch!) intimacy is not just about touch or intercourse but a solid soul connection that if strong enough eases the pain of niddah times separation . Healthy Intimacy certainly is not some desperate itches that just have to be scratched at all costs including family relationships. IMO Something is off here if the only guest friendly times sound like niddah times .
SIL.... she is only 17 and just wants to hold the cute baby while it still a baby (gosh, at this rate maybe they will meet at the baby's bat mitzvah or wedding  ) .
I agree with OP paying to have the girl over some other time soon. |
(pp you were replying to)
By 'cuddles' I didn't mean lying in bed the whole Shabbos, but I take exception to defining "normal" so rigidly. For some people, 'normal' is requiring a certain amount of physical affection from one's spouse, for others, it isn't. IME, when people use the phrase "normal people do/don't do x", what they really mean "I do/don't do x, and if you don't, you're weird". Correct me if I'm wrong. (Your phrasing has left me wondering if you're one of several girls I went to middle school with.)
For me personally, I'd certainly hug my husband in front of my kids or cuddle with him on the couch. I wouldn't do that more than briefly in front of either of our siblings. However you hold on the tzniut of the issue, I think it's rude to engage in extended displays of affection in front of other adults in a way it isn't in front of your own kids. And I'm not aware of anyone who'd say there's a tznius issue with cuddling in front of a baby. This is how I feel- OP may feel differently- but I can easily see where she might be coming from.
I can't imagine a 17-year-old has such a busy schedule that she couldn't visit another weekend (cost might well be an issue, which is why I suggested OP offer to pay her fare). I've told siblings it was a bad week for them to visit. I've also actively invited them other weeks- letting unmarried sibs know you love them and want to maintain a relationship with them shouldn't mean you always need to be the flexible one regarding scheduling.
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amother
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Wed, Dec 31 2014, 5:25 pm
| amother wrote: | (pp you were replying to)
By 'cuddles' I didn't mean lying in bed the whole Shabbos, but I take exception to defining "normal" so rigidly. For some people, 'normal' is requiring a certain amount of physical affection from one's spouse, for others, it isn't. IME, when people use the phrase "normal people do/don't do x", what they really mean "I do/don't do x, and if you don't, you're weird". Correct me if I'm wrong. (Your phrasing has left me wondering if you're one of several girls I went to middle school with.)
For me personally, I'd certainly hug my husband in front of my kids or cuddle with him on the couch. I wouldn't do that more than briefly in front of either of our siblings. However you hold on the tzniut of the issue, I think it's rude to engage in extended displays of affection in front of other adults in a way it isn't in front of your own kids. And I'm not aware of anyone who'd say there's a tznius issue with cuddling in front of a baby. This is how I feel- OP may feel differently- but I can easily see where she might be coming from.
I can't imagine a 17-year-old has such a busy schedule that she couldn't visit another weekend (cost might well be an issue, which is why I suggested OP offer to pay her fare). I've told siblings it was a bad week for them to visit. I've also actively invited them other weeks- letting unmarried sibs know you love them and want to maintain a relationship with them shouldn't mean you always need to be the flexible one regarding scheduling. |
OP I have no problem cuddling in front of my baby (that will change when she is older). I would not touch dh in front of his sister. She is not so busy that she can't visit another week though it may not work out in the near future. She has seen the baby a few times and dh video chats with his siblings regularly (though obviously that is not the same. Money is also not the issue and I don't think she'd be comfortable letting us pay her transportation. The distance also isn't the issue she is always up for adventure and if it can work another week she'd come. Aside from nida or being overdue the only obstacle is where to put her and like I said, we will hopefully have a two bedroom apartment by the summer which is when she will be more available for invites.
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amother
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Thu, Jan 01 2015, 2:15 am
OP, can I ask you a totally aside question... Do you get your period naturally or are you on the pill?
Asking because the regularity of your period and the age of your baby makes me think that you might be on the pill. And if you are, are you aware that you DON'T need to get your period so often?
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gila-rina
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Thu, Jan 01 2015, 3:07 am
You'd love to have her, but with present schedule you are too exhausted to host. Since you know how much she wants to see the baby, you will pay for her trip when your schedule is somewhat normal. Ze hu
It takes 4 hours to get from Brooklyn to Baltimore. People do it all the time. Just saying.
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salt
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Thu, Jan 01 2015, 3:57 am
Please let us know what you decided in the end - and let us know how it went after shabbos. I can't believe people have been discussing this for a WEEK. After all this - at least don't deprive us of a following up report 
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amother
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Thu, Jan 01 2015, 7:36 am
| amother wrote: | OP, can I ask you a totally aside question... Do you get your period naturally or are you on the pill?
Asking because the regularity of your period and the age of your baby makes me think that you might be on the pill. And if you are, are you aware that you DON'T need to get your period so often? |
Unfortunately I can't take the pill :/
And if I wasn't clear I'm talking about next Shabbos so will have to wait till then for update.
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amother
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Thu, Jan 01 2015, 10:54 am
| amother wrote: |
And if I wasn't clear I'm talking about next Shabbos so will have to wait till then for update. |
What if by chance the hefsek is not successful on Friday and you will be due for mikvah on motzie Shabbas would that change your minds' about the invite?
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amother
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Thu, Jan 01 2015, 11:18 am
| amother wrote: | | What if by chance the hefsek is not successful on Friday and you will be due for mikvah on motzie Shabbas would that change your minds' about the invite? |
Absolutely! I like her and would love to accommodate her. It will still be incredibly annoying because then I can't have Sat night with him and I'm up for work 5am Sunday and don't get home till late evening but will still be more doable. Still trying to find place to put her up just in case though I think she may have found her own place in our complex (she texted dh to see if we know someone which makes us think she got herself a place to stay).
Either way, I'm really hoping the rabbi says I can go Thursday which will make life easier. I'm hoping I misunderstood him with when to start counting and he says it's ok to do hefsek today. Still wont be the best but will make it a lot easier (then I have to pray I can change my work schedule because the mikvah isn't open when I get home at midnight and they have a sign saying they only allow late appointments with mikvah rabbis consent for extenuating circumstances (which includes a childs or siblings wedding but not a niece/nephew etc and I'm not sure it accommodates work schedules)).
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amother
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Thu, Jan 01 2015, 2:14 pm
| amother wrote: |
Either way, I'm really hoping the rabbi says I can go Thursday which will make life easier. I'm hoping I misunderstood him with when to start counting and he says it's ok to do hefsek today. Still wont be the best but will make it a lot easier (then I have to pray I can change my work schedule because the mikvah isn't open when I get home at midnight and they have a sign saying they only allow late appointments with mikvah rabbis consent for extenuating circumstances (which includes a childs or siblings wedding but not a niece/nephew etc and I'm not sure it accommodates work schedules)). |
I'd be very surprised to know that a rav would go above and beyond halacha to allow the counting of 4 + 7 for reasons due to personal inconveniences such as child's or siblings wedding's or for other reasons such as yours, OP.
There is always the option of postponing mikvah during certain circumstances no matter how inconvenient it feels. at least it's not breaking halacha!
Of course there may be circumstances where a special heter might be required I.e. in order to solve certain IF issues but for reasons other than real emergencies why would a 'competent' rav work beyond halacha??
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amother
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Thu, Jan 01 2015, 2:28 pm
| amother wrote: | I'd be very surprised to know that a rav would go above and beyond halacha to allow the counting of 4 + 7 for reasons due to personal inconveniences such as child's or siblings wedding's or for other reasons such as yours, OP.
There is always the option of postponing mikvah during certain circumstances no matter how inconvenient it feels. at least it's not breaking halacha!
Of course there may be circumstances where a special heter might be required I.e. in order to solve certain IF issues but for reasons other than real emergencies why would a 'competent' rav work beyond halacha?? |
You misunderstood.
I questionably misunderstood how my rabbi said I should count. I started spotting Sunday and he said I'm not nida until actual flow so I thought I had to count five days from Monday. He just clarified that while spotting did not make me nida I can still start counting from Sunday so if I get good hefsek today I can go Thursday night (unfortunately it doesn't look like I will).
In terms of mikvah shayla they have late hours (I'm scheduled to get home from work midnight next Thursday) but those appointments have to be approved by mikvah rabbi. Their sign was giving examples of what will and will not be approved and that is the example I posted. I'm not sure they would make late appointment for me just because I have to work. That has nothing to do with counting less days.
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amother
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Thu, Jan 01 2015, 2:36 pm
| amother wrote: | You misunderstood.
I questionably misunderstood how my rabbi said I should count. I started spotting Sunday and he said I'm not nida until actual flow so I thought I had to count five days from Monday. He just clarified that while spotting did not make me nida I can still start counting from Sunday so if I get good hefsek today I can go Thursday night (unfortunately it doesn't look like I will).
In terms of mikvah shayla they have late hours (I'm scheduled to get home from work midnight next Thursday) but those appointments have to be approved by mikvah rabbi. Their sign was giving examples of what will and will not be approved and that is the example I posted. I'm not sure they would make late appointment for me just because I have to work. That has nothing to do with counting less days. |
Oh OK this makes more sense.  I hope all works out well for you.
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amother
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Wed, Jan 07 2015, 9:05 am
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OP update: She is coming. I found her a place and dh seems to have gotten over his hesitation to have her and I think he's looking forward. I got a late appointment tomorrow at 12am and she is showing up at the crack of dawn yay. Gotta go menu plan now so I can cook today. Sigh.
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Butterfly
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Wed, Jan 07 2015, 11:47 am
This is such wonderful news! 
Kol hakavod to you and your DH for making this work!
I'm especially happy for your SIL who is so desperately looking forward for this special opportunity of enjoying family quality time together.
Hopefully this will be a very pleasant and memorable Shabbas after all bezr'H.
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amother
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Wed, Jan 07 2015, 12:45 pm
| Butterfly wrote: | This is such wonderful news!
Kol hakavod to you and your DH for making this work!
I'm especially happy for your SIL who is so desperately looking forward for this special opportunity of enjoying family quality time together.
Hopefully this will be a very pleasant and memorable Shabbas after all bezr'H. |
I think she will have a wonderful time but I'm wondering if this was the wrong call. I'll be getting home close to 1am after mikvah tomorrow and she is coming 6am Friday so the entertainment gets to start then. Aside from Sunday when I'll get home at 8 or so (IF I'm lucky) I'm going to be out till 12 or 1am Monday-Thursday. I'm literally giving up the only time I would have had with dh for the entire week and I have similar schedule the next week. I hope we don't come to seriously regret this decision.
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Butterfly
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Wed, Jan 07 2015, 9:06 pm
| amother wrote: | | I think she will have a wonderful time but I'm wondering if this was the wrong call. I'll be getting home close to 1am after mikvah tomorrow and she is coming 6am Friday so the entertainment gets to start then. Aside from Sunday when I'll get home at 8 or so (IF I'm lucky) I'm going to be out till 12 or 1am Monday-Thursday. I'm literally giving up the only time I would have had with dh for the entire week and I have similar schedule the next week. I hope we don't come to seriously regret this decision. |
Can you work out some arrangements that SIL arrive in the morning to the place where she will be staying for the night? She will anyways need to take over some of her stuff to settle there too... She might even want to rest a bit first, especially after traveling all night.
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amother
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Wed, Jan 07 2015, 10:22 pm
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You guys will be ok this is just one shabbos of your life. Mazal tov on doing this mitzvah even though it's hard for you! I'm sure your sil will help you.
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amother
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Wed, Jan 07 2015, 10:37 pm
| Butterfly wrote: | | Can you work out some arrangements that SIL arrive in the morning to the place where she will be staying for the night? She will anyways need to take over some of her stuff to settle there too... She might even want to rest a bit first, especially after traveling all night. |
No she's staying at an empty apartment and we have to be able to let her in.
And to the person who sai it's just one week/day whatever it's literally half my non nida time with my husband this month and being with his is a mitzvah too. Not sure this should take precedence but whatever. It is what it is. Will hopefully have him next month.
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allthingsblue
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Wed, Jan 07 2015, 10:53 pm
Op, I really, really feel for you! This sounds incredibly frustrating. My husband had a really hectic schedule this week leaving very little time for the two of us, and it was so hard, for so many different reasons emotionally and physically. And his schedule was no way near as crazy as yours sounds!
So I really, really hear how hard it is going to be for you.
That said, I don't think you will come to regret your decision. Because while on Shabbos itself you will likely be disappointed, once it's over, you will forget about it, and the frustration will be in the past.
I hope everything works out smoothly. Maybe on Friday night you guys should play the tired card, and try to get her to go back to the apartment early so you guys can have alone time. And on Shabbos day, maybe you can even ask her to watch the baby while you and your husband spend time together and take a nap.
Best of luck!!
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amother
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Fri, Jan 09 2015, 6:25 am
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She's not coming after all. Her ride didn't work out
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allthingsblue
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Fri, Jan 09 2015, 9:32 am
After all that, huh?
Enjoy your together time with dh! Good Shabbos
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