at my wits end | Imamother

amother

Thu, Jan 01 2015, 4:49 pm

I came to visit this forum because I have a defiant ADHD, ODD child. he's angry. he's rude. he's aggressive. he mimics me. he does whatever the hell he wants. I feel like I hate him sometimes. I resent that I spend a lot of $$ on extracuricular activities for him, therapy, natural healing doctors, etc., and all he does is be ungrateful, rude, etc.

he's 11 and everyone has to walk on eggshells around him. I have a large family and he just makes everything harder. I wish I could send him away sometimes. I'm trying and trying. when is it going to get better? I feel like a failure.

he makes our home miserable.

I'm getting therapy and I just made an appt to see a certified "nurtured heart approach" therapist on sunday.

I just need support. Just being here and reading that other mothers have children like this is comforting - that I'm not alone.

I'm sorry if I am rambling I'm just sad.

amother

Thu, Jan 01 2015, 5:22 pm

Wish I had the right words and a magic potion.
As I was reading this I thought an old post of mine must've been revived, because it sounded waaaay too familiar. I'm probably not the only mother here who feels that she could've written this. Not that it makes it better, but know that your not alone and that somehow and with Hashem's help we'll all survive this...
What is the nurture heart approach?
To avoid confusion I will identify my (anonymous) self as amother#1

amother

Thu, Jan 01 2015, 5:53 pm

I have a very similar child. Girl, 13 years old. When she is behaving nicely, I enjoy having her around a lot. When she isn't, I want to send her away to a dorm. It can get very,very bad in the house with lots of yelling, cursing, panics, and anxieties and the only thing holding me upright is the knowledge that she doesn't really want to be like this. She has so much love inside. She has amazing qualities. I try not to get angry at her anymore. That emotion is very destructive. I get upset that the house is suffering from her words and actions but I know it is not her. All she wants is for me to love and accept her.

When I get angry, she escalates the fight into a power struggle therefore I try not to enter into that. I picture her as the loving child she can be when she is at her worst. I don't let myself see her as an awful child. This takes a lot of self control and hard work as she is incredibly rude, obnoxious and verbaly abusive. She has written me beautiful letters in good moments and I cherish them and think of them when she is mean. I ignore the hurtful things she says and don't feel guilty if I do get angry and send her out of the room/house. She is responsible for her actions and I don't coddle her or give her any special considerations because she has diagnoses of ADHD and ODD. I don't believe they mean anything even though she has had years of therapy buying into that. They give her an excuse for poor behavior and she could be like everyone else if she wanted to.

I have taken a parenting course called Shefer that has helped me although I am not done yet. It takes a lot to undo what I have been told over the years about her ODD and ADHD. Years on different drugs didn't help and now she is off everything. Nothing from the years of therapy has done anything helpful so what is the harm of trying something new? I have a new vision of her through this course and now I can see a future with a good relationship. She can change but don't underestimate your role as a parent to believe in your child and have faith they are capable of a huge potential regardless of what you have been made to believe regarding apparent disabilities.

CPenzias

Thu, Jan 01 2015, 7:31 pm

OP I just want to tell you that you mentioned that you're doing extra curricular activities. Please don't feel like a failure. At the end of the day you're doing the best you can for him. That makes you a hero of a mommy!!
My son has ADHD and displays oppositional behaviors. It is tough sometimes. Many times he is so sweet and silly. He's so smart too. I love him. Other times I want to take him to a mountain top and leave him there for a few days. It's tough. I take him to a developmental pediatrician every 3 months and I recently signed him up for group therapy. I'm a teacher and I'm busy this time of year but after the state tests are over I plan to sign him up for an extra curricular activity. (something physical.) It's gonna be hard the next few months because I'm working a bit extra in the after school program so I get home after 7 two nights a week...it's rough but I'm doing the best that I know how...and I'm a special ed teacher to boot. When it comes to my own child, I'm completely clueless :/

ettilou

Fri, Jan 02 2015, 1:49 pm

I so totally get you. There are a lot of mothers out here that can relate. I started a support group in my area and it has been the ABSOLUTE best thing, I think, that had come from all these nisonyos. If you live in the Far Rockaway/5towns I welcome you to join us. If not, I can help you start your own. These children are amazing gifts, but can make us feel like the worst parents, the worst kind of human being ever created. Try to avoid getting into any your of power struggle with them, they THRIVE on engaging us in fights. If I can help you on any other way, ask. I have been very happy with the modalities I went with, but I went with mainstream medicine/drugs and therapies. It has cost me a huge fortune, but im hoping that the end will be worth it. Hatzlacha, and you only have to be a good enough mom, not a perfect one. ((hugs))