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Best way to help myself understand my kid with sensory issue
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 07 2015, 10:19 pm
I have a 6 y.o. child who has sensory issue. He's a very sweet kid but sometimes misunderstood, he gets along with kids but isn't the kid who's super suave and with it. Sometimes comes accross too strong with over kids like jumps up and down and gets excited, talks very loud when they're close by, gets 'obsessed' with certain order of things, like instead of just playing with the playdate and having it being a flowing go with the flow playdate he has to make it awkwrd by saying all the things he wants to do.. , sometimes puts toys or pieces of lego in his mouth, he's clumsy, will do stupid things and spills things often bc he doesn't realize spacial perception .. but there are a lot of nice things about him he loves to compliment, he's really sweet, holds the door for people, amazing reader, loves to be talked to like a big boy, loves to be a helper, wash the dishes, set the table, sweep the floor.... What I'm trying to do is accept him for who he is but at the same time I get SO disappointed in him sometimes and feel like he's just not focusing or just not trying. Or being too eager with other kids. My question really is what can I do to help him? And to help myself help him? And help myself accept him?
My next question is are these things that smart kids (I do still think my child is smart!) just grow into and grow out of and figure out? Or should I be worrying about him so much that I nit pick at every thing he does?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 07 2015, 11:05 pm
Your child sounds exactly like my DD. She got social skills therapy in school (still does), and had matured beautifully. She's 11 now. She's still bossy and controlling with her friends, still chews on things and knocks things over, but no where nearly as bad as before.

Your acceptance is the first thing you need to work on, before you start working on him. Intelligence and sensory issues are NOT related in any way. What you need to do is to learn how to develop his strengths, and work with his weaknesses. Don't compare him to other kids, because he is a unique individual.

If he obsesses on something, then use it to channel him into behaviors you want. If you give me an example, I can give you some pointers. Use gentle reminders when he gets too loud and intense. If he's yelling, counter with a very quiet voice, almost a whisper - he'll lower his voice instinctively. If he's jumping around, then he needs more physical input and exercise. If he's chewing things, give him things that are appropriate for chewing. DD gets a lot more homework done if I give her gum!

Look up toys designed for Autistic children like these http://www.sensoryuniversity.c.....8.htm

Yoga balls, trampolines, chew toys, things that click or light up, puzzles with large wooden pieces, there are SO many wonderful, high quality toys out there that all your kids will love, and will help develop balance, motor skills, spatial understanding, etc.

For social skills, try role playing to get him to develop empathy and understand how other people are feeling. DD has a terrible time understanding how her words and actions come across to other people, and we are always talking about how things would feel if the situation were reversed. "Social Stories" books are very good for this.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 07 2015, 11:22 pm
The book, the out of sync child.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 07 2015, 11:22 pm
Give him opportunities to shine. That means observe where he shines and make that a more frequent and important thing. As he is male that doesn't mean he should bake the best brownies or set the table more efficiently than anybody else. He could do those things. But have a heart and don't steer him toward feminine tasks.

The fact is he can do any tasks.

You will observe where his brain shines best; it might be math, engineering, chemistry, geology, finance. Guys like him are typically very, very smart and achieve a lot, as long as it's in fields that are intellectual not social.

As for what he is terrible at, such as human nuances, try to train and teach him how not to mess up too often. Listen to FF.

Guys like him make very good husbands if you don't want a lot of soul gazing and mash notes on your pillow, and you are a patient wife who explains things all the time. And appreciates his loyalty.

And is tolerant of a husband with a taste for being left to himself often, because he needs to re-map his sense of self. This re-mapping and re-building his sense of self will involve a lot of rituals.

His rituals re-structure him for himself. His head doesn't grasp its own structure as well as other people's do, and doesn't retain it. It has to be built again every day.

His feelings are real feelings. He doesn't express them well and doesn't perceive others' feelings well.

But he may invent the next light bulb. Or how to grow potatoes on the moon. Guys like him can concentrate on a problem and see a problem from the outside better than others.

Without guys like him we would still be living in trees.

You see how sweet he is. He needs to keep some of that, although it won't all last; a man is not made of sugar.

You are going to need to involve his father in his life a lot, really a lot, even more than for another boy.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 07 2015, 11:29 pm
Thank you so much for your detailed response I really appreciate it!

My son is getting 3 therapies per week - 2 in school. We are paying through the nose for it but I'm doing it for him and I hope to Gd its working to help him change. One is speech pragmatics in the classroom during recess, one is OT, and the other is sensory. each is a 45 min session on different days.

I see the link you sent - are kids with some sensory issues equated with being autistic?? No one says he has autism..
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 07 2015, 11:35 pm
It's tricky, because you want him to have the skills to be accepted socially, yet you don't want to make his deficits too obvious to him. I'm guessing that he already is picking up on that from his peers, and it can have a tremendous effect on his self esteem. Your role as a parent is to straddle the line in gently guiding him toward more accepted behaviors while building up his feeling of self confidence.

It's great that you're getting him therapy. Are you in touch with his therapists so they can guide you in carrying over what they're working on together?

From your description he can be a child with high functioning autism spectrum disorder, or not. It doesn't necessarily matter if you're addressing all his needs anyway, unless a formal diagnosis would lower your out of pocket costs.


Last edited by MaBelleVie on Wed, Jan 07 2015, 11:42 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 07 2015, 11:41 pm
Dolly Welsh wrote:
Give him opportunities to shine. That means observe where he shines and make that a more frequent and important thing. As he is male that doesn't mean he should bake the best brownies or set the table more efficiently than anybody else. He could do those things. But have a heart and don't steer him toward feminine tasks.

The fact is he can do any tasks.

You will observe where his brain shines best; it might be math, engineering, chemistry, geology, finance. Guys like him are typically very, very smart and achieve a lot, as long as it's in fields that are intellectual not social.

As for what he is terrible at, such as human nuances, try to train and teach him how not to mess up too often. Listen to FF.

Guys like him make very good husbands if you don't want a lot of soul gazing and mash notes on your pillow, and you are a patient wife who explains things all the time. And appreciates his loyalty.

And is tolerant of a husband with a taste for being left to himself often, because he needs to re-map his sense of self. This re-mapping and re-building his sense of self will involve a lot of rituals.

His rituals re-structure him for himself. His head doesn't grasp its own structure as well as other people's do, and doesn't retain it. It has to be built again every day.

His feelings are real feelings. He doesn't express them well and doesn't perceive others' feelings well.

But he may invent the next light bulb. Or how to grow potatoes on the moon. Guys like him can concentrate on a problem and see a problem from the outside better than others.

Without guys like him we would still be living in trees.

You see how sweet he is. He needs to keep some of that, although it won't all last; a man is not made of sugar.

You are going to need to involve his father in his life a lot, really a lot, even more than for another boy.


The problem is he can't make intricate cool lego houses and interesting buildings with blocks because quite frankly he just isn't interested in it either. He likes cars but it's not like it's so age appropriate for him to be playing cars at age 6. I'm not steering him toward feminine things, I was just pointing out that he likes to help out. He's not 'super smart' but what I was saying is that he's intelligent somewhat, he can read and likes to read hebrew and english. Besides that he's not the best with comprehension or a few steps directions at this point.
now I'm getting so nervous, nobody has said anything about him having autism and people on here are suggesting that.
He comes across totally normal its just there are nuances socially that could be a lot better. he's not the 'cool ' boy but he'll be the boy who will do anything to be included and not hold a grudge.
Is there any way to intigrate him or is he doomed to be a social outcast because he's not suave?
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amother


 

Post Wed, Jan 07 2015, 11:46 pm
amother wrote:
The problem is he can't make intricate cool lego houses and interesting buildings with blocks because quite frankly he just isn't interested in it either. He likes cars but it's not like it's so age appropriate for him to be playing cars at age 6. I'm not steering him toward feminine things, I was just pointing out that he likes to help out. He's not 'super smart' but what I was saying is that he's intelligent somewhat, he can read and likes to read hebrew and english. Besides that he's not the best with comprehension or a few steps directions at this point.
now I'm getting so nervous, nobody has said anything about him having autism and people on here are suggesting that.
He comes across totally normal its just there are nuances socially that could be a lot better. he's not the 'cool ' boy but he'll be the boy who will do anything to be included and not hold a grudge.
Is there any way to intigrate him or is he doomed to be a social outcast because he's not suave?

Just to clarify by 'not so good with comprehension' I meant like those word problems they give in kindergarten . I didn't mean daily interaction comprehension, he's fine with that!

Also he's not great with complicated instructions they give out that are like 3 steps he usually forgets the 3rd one by the time he's done doing the 1st and 2nd.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 07 2015, 11:54 pm
Why aren't cars age appropriate? Let him lead. If he adores cars, buy him a million of them. Whatever he indicates engages him.

So he's reading two languages at six.

He's smart.

A guy like him would not like Legos. In his perception, the work has already been done for you, so they are boring. They are all the same except for the colors. What he needs is primary raw materials that HE can design what to do with.

Get on an art supply site and then a teacher's supply site. Order paper, markers, glue, bits and bobs, raw stuff.

Take the kid on a stroll through a stationery store, and then a hardware store, carrying a plastic shopping basket. Whatever he thinks is worth looking at and picking up, buy.

Provide a little desk with a clamp on magnifying lamp, and hang out with him. He may need a little help, but be very subtle and only help if you are asked to. WHATEVER he builds, draws, collages, or constructs, is good. Just keep saying it's all ok and all interesting and nice.

Get him an easel and let him draw his head off. He may prefer to draw on the floor.

As for absorbing verbal instructions, that's social. He isn't so great at social.

Allowing other people's mental pictures into his mind isn't easy for him. He is thinking about his own mental pictures.

All his life, he may have to make lists and write down what someone else would remember. But he will be the original thinker, and make plenty of money.

That kind of verbal acuity and comprehension is stronger in girls, anyway, at this age.

Do think of him as a smart guy. You have a fascinating and original kid who has some strong areas and some weak areas, which is the human condition for everyone. You may have to tell him that someday.

His father must teach him male social negotiating.

Neither you nor I, nor the greatest rebbetzin who ever lived, can teach him that. And he needs constant lessons in it. Meaning, how to be a man, and stand up to teasing. He needs that. Really.

All this therapy is from women, I bet. I am sure they know their stuff but he needs male socializing lessons.


Last edited by Dolly Welsh on Thu, Jan 08 2015, 1:01 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother


 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2015, 1:01 am
Dolly Welsh wrote:
Why aren't cars age appropriate? Let him lead. If he adores cars, buy him a million of them. Whatever he indicates engages him.

So he's reading two languages at six.

He's smart.

OF COURSE HE HATES STUPID LEGOS. They are done for you! They are all the bloody same except for the dumb primary colors that never vary! Oh! What he needs is primary raw materials that HE can design what to do with.

Oh! I hate "toys" that leave the child nothing to do himself or herself!

Get on an art supply site and then a teacher's supply site. Order paper, markers, glue, bits and bobs, raw stuff.

Take the kid on a stroll through a stationery store, and then a hardware store, carrying a plastic shopping basket. Whatever he thinks is worth looking at and picking up, buy.

Take it home, and provide a little desk with a clamp on magnifying lamp, and hang out with him. He may need a little help, but be very subtle and only help if you are asked to. WHATEVER he builds, draws, collages, or constructs, is good. Just keep saying it's all ok and all interesting and nice.

Get him an easel and let him draw his head off. He may prefer to draw on the floor.

Legos forsooth. Harumph.

As for absorbing verbal instructions, that's social. He isn't so great at social. Allowing other people's mental pictures into his mind isn't easy for him. He is thinking about his own mental pictures. All his life, he may have to make lists and write down what someone else would remember. But he will be the original thinker, and make plenty of money.

That kind of verbal acuity and comprehension is stronger in girls, anyway, at this age.

PUHLEEZE think of him as a smart guy. He is a little different from the rest and that's uneasy making but I assure you that later, they will all work for him, not the other way around. Meaning, they will report to his partner, the people person. He will be the one whose idea is the basis of the company.

You do NOT have a dumb or weird kid. You have a fascinating and original kid who has some strong areas and some weak areas, which is the human condition.

His father must teach him male social negotiating.

Neither you nor I, nor the greatest rebbetzin who ever lived, can teach him that. And he needs constant lessons in it. Meaning, how to be a man, and stand up to teasing. He needs that. Really.

All this therapy is from women, I bet.


Thank you so much for all this!!! - really appreciate it, and gives me a fresh new hope.
Yes all his therapy is from women.
I hear what you're saying about the art thing but I should do this even if he's totally uninterested in art? or coloring? And in general he has a hard time coming up with ideas of things to do, some kids have intricate ideas and you could see their 'light bulb' go off when they're figuring something out but my son I don't see that with so much. u think even so he still end up the way you describe?
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2015, 1:12 am
Over time, put a lot of things to work with, in his room. String. Wool. Stuffed animals but not too cute. A large stuffed dog. Lots and lots of paper, so he never, ever, worries about "wasting paper". Colored papers. Take him through the stores and show him things.

The goal is that he will hit on something that works for him. It is not easy to theorize what that might be; it is going to be your careful observation of what he works with. Then, pounce: get lots more of it, and whatever relates to it.

He may need to climb, build, run, swing from bars, hammer nails. Get his father or a kind man you trust to provide some of that. His mind may work through physical experience.

As for food, it might be that, cooking. I back off from what I said: if he becomes a chef that's fine too.

Give him little musical instruments, and let him bang away. A xylophone.

If "coloring" means coloring in an existing drawing in a book, no, that's not interesting. Let him make his own drawings. Let him glue down cut out magazine pictures for his own collages.

Have a look at the Edmund Scientific website. Get him things that are too advanced for him, a little, but that are still safe.

The stimulation of things that are too hard is good. Work with them yourself, with the attitude that you don't know this thing either, you are feeling your way too. Ask him to explain. Act like a well meaning person who needs him to figure this out a little for you. "What is this? Oh, look, that's odd". Enjoy and be delighted. Actually, you will be. It's a fascinating website.

I have NO psychological qualifications or training, I am not a shrink of any kind, and I have no idea what will be in the future. It sounds as if you are giving him excellent support and help.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2015, 2:22 am
OP, follow this very closely, because this is important: All Autistic kids have sensory issues, but not all kids with sensory issues are Autistic. For example, swimming is excellent therapy for children with low muscle tone, but not all kids who enjoy swimming do so because they need therapy.

The thing is, any therapy or toy that is appropriate for an Autistic child can be helpful for any child who has sensory issues, and can be a lot of fun for any child who is neurotypical ("normal", whatever that means).

Your son may not be Autistic at all, or he may have very mild Aspergers, or he may just have basic sensory issues. None of what anyone is saying is meant to be a diagnosis, only a specially trained doctor can tell you that. The only reason you should even worry about a diagnosis is if you think it will help you pay for therapy, or if it might qualify him for other services. A label is just a tool, it can't predict his future.

For what it's worth, I agree with Dolly 100%. What she writes matches my experience completely.

My DD still has problems following complex directions. Just give one direction at a time, and don't go too fast. I can't ask her to "put on her socks, shoes, and coat to get ready to leave". Socks first, then go find shoes, put them on, go find coat, put it on, then leave. It's OK, you get used to it after a while. Look into "auditory processing disorder", because that is part of sensory integration. See if you can get that included in his therapy.

If you have to tell him something three times before he will do it, that might also be auditory processing issues. If he has a hearing test and it comes out perfect, then you will know for sure that it's APD. He is NOT just ignoring you, it's just taking his brain a while to comprehend what you just said. Do your best to not get mad at him! I know it's frustrating, so keep reminding yourself that you have to be patient and consistent.

APD is like when someone is speaking to you in a language you are not fluent in. You heard it the first time, but then you have to translate it into a language you are more fluent in, and THEN you can translate it into action. It can take a few seconds longer than it does for a native speaker. When you look at it that way, it makes a lot more sense.
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mandksima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2015, 2:34 am
For the record, many 6 year olds play with cars. Their games get more mature but I would not think it is not age appropriate.

I have found that physical activity is great for them, especially very tough workouts - I have my son in a gymboree kind of after school program once a week that helps all kids find their strengths and confidence even if that sort of thing doesn't come naturally.
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hinenimuchan




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2015, 2:36 am
I am the proud mother of a wonderful, now-adult child who had a sensory integration disorder as a child. I definitely did my share of worrying as well, and understand where you are coming from.

Mine was not naturally "suave," coordinated or organized as a young child. However, she became a valued friend, sister (and daughter) (and will make someone a terrific wife) as she is loyal, does not hold a grudge, does not judge others and offers helpful suggestions without being intrusive). She was a cheerleader in camp and for a girls basketball team in middle school, danced and acted in school shows, was in a girls swimming club in high school, and passed her driving test the first time. She was a very reliable camp counselor who became very close with her campers. During high school she was asked to remind her classmates of assignments and prepare study guides for them. At 19, she has made packing for trips a science -- with lists, space optimalization techniques and timely completion. She cooks very well and often. She has prepared yom tov menus as well as vacation itineraries for a car trip that she took with some friends and a couple of family car trips.

Given that your son is intelligent, motivated and kind, and that he does have some friends, he is likely to outgrow most of his issues and learn to compensate for the rest. Assuming good self-esteem is cultivated, he should be able to reasonably enjoy childhood and succeed in the major areas of adult life. That is really what is important, and there is time to get him there.

Be grateful for the gifts he has, the potential he has, the fact that Hashem deemed you worthy of the challenge, the opportunity to do chessed for him, and the extra closeness you will develop with this son from helping him through this.

Love who he is, but help him optimalize who he will be! That is the job of every parent, regardless of what their child's challenges are -- and every child has challenges.

You can best help him by:

1) Providing fun opportunities to build coordination and strength, appropriately stimulate the senses, and appropriately channel the urge to control. While any sport or physical activity would be beneficial, he is more likely to feel comfortable in, and progress well for the stated purposes in, programs that proceed at his pace and focus on him. Some martial arts programs are excellent, if budget and lifestyle permit. There are even frum ones in the NY-NJ area. Feel free to PM for specifics if applicable. Also consider swimming lessons/programs, gymnastics, crafts and music programs. Occupational Therapy can help too: Some health insurance plans cover it; you could also have him evaluated by the school district to see whether they will pay for it; alternatively, if you have the funds, there are some excellent OT's whom you could pay out-of-pocket to evaluate him, make recommendations and treat to the extent your budget allows.

Also continue to provide such opportunities informally, to the maximum extent you can, through joint household tasks (as he is already doing and loves) and guided play. A book I read called The Out of Sync Child had some great suggestions, based upon the child's particular pattern of issues, which it helps you recognize. I don't know if it's still in print; if not PM me and I'll see if I still have it around and send it to you).

2) Gently and gradually improving his interpersonal behavior/skills. Introduce one small new challenge at a time. Make sure your expectations are age appropriate. Start with the issue most likely to turn off friends. In private explain why the behavior is a problem, help him develop a plan to address it and practice implementing with role playing. If he needs reminders during play, convey them in a way that does not single him out; so he won't feel embarrassed and so you won't give friends a message that he is "off." You can even make up a private code with him ("If I wink at you really hard and then scratch my head like this, it means you are doing x or that you should be doing y"). Discuss the outcome in private; acknowledge successes; and offer encouragement and adjust the plan, if necessary.

3) Contemplating, complimenting, channeling and developing the areas in which he naturally excels. For example, get him increasingly involved in age-appropriate chessed (for now, call up sick friends, family members or teachers to say/sing Refuah Shleima, visit a nursing home, pack food or toys for donation, or play with a child who has other challenges). Let him help you organize a closet, cook, decorate something or plant something...and help in planning how that will be accomplished (maybe a bit of work on #2 could be worked in there).
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2015, 2:50 am
hinenimuchan wrote:
I am the proud mother of a wonderful, now-adult child who had a sensory integration disorder as a child. I definitely did my share of worrying as well, and understand where you are coming from.



Great post, it's no wonder your daughter turned out so beautifully! Very Happy
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MaBelleVie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2015, 9:08 am
The fact that all his therapy is from women is really not relevant at age six. Trained therapists should be qualified to give him exactly the help that he needs. Trust me, they know what six year old boys are all about and are planning accordingly.

You will probably have more luck expanding on his current areas of interest vs trying to get him interested in things that don't build on his strengths. I would follow his lead and use whatever motivates him to slowly work on higher level skills.
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shlomitsmum




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2015, 6:11 pm
here is a good link , with excellent book suggestions Smile
Your love support and acceptance is what makes a huge difference .
http://www.sheknows.com/parent.....books
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hinenimuchan




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2015, 8:31 pm
FF: Baruch Hashem (Here it IS appropriate to say that)
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 08 2015, 8:39 pm
It's always appropriate to say that.

All right, who has a boy for Hineni Muchans unbelievably fabulous daughter? Is she old enough, HM? Are you willing to part with her yet?
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Tirza




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 13 2015, 8:05 pm
Absolutely- read The Out of Sync Child. It will help you tremendously to understand your sensory child.
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