buying friends | Imamother

amother

Sun, Jan 11 2015, 3:20 pm

What would you do if you would find out that your child is buying stuff for his 'friends' in order to be their friends?????

Scrabble123

Sun, Jan 11 2015, 3:25 pm

It would need more explanation to understand the context. Do you give your child an allowance? Is he doing it because the kids are forcing him to? Because that is the only way for him to make friends? Because you also give presents to friends to show you care? Growing up it was pretty normal for kids to bring snacks and toys to other children in their classes just to be nice.....

Otherwise, you can speak to your child about his/her inner worth and ability to make friends for who he/she is. Without discussing what was bought, you can build up your child's confidence and self esteem and "secretly" teach him/her that he/she does not need to buy friends.

amother

Sun, Jan 11 2015, 3:30 pm

OP here, he claims that his 'friend' told him he will only remain his friend if he is gonna buy him this certain thing. He took money without permission (his own money) and went to buy it.............................

SRS

Sun, Jan 11 2015, 3:33 pm

It is fairly normal to find a child suffering in the friendship department to be buying things or bringing things from home to try and buy a friendship. There is also the buying off where a bully or a group of bullies gets a child to bring gifts in exchange for friendship. None of it is healthy and if the other child's parents are on top of the situation together, it can be brought into control. More detail would help pinpoint some possible solutions.

Scrabble123

Sun, Jan 11 2015, 3:34 pm

amother wrote:

Find a way to develop his sense of self and confidence by making him feel secure and praised for his real talents and qualities, and discreetly discuss making friends/true friendships/buying friends/etc in a non judgmental way. It is also unacceptable to steal money so that would need to be addressed asap.

amother

Sun, Jan 11 2015, 3:35 pm

Its very common.. I went to PS and many girls were exchaning s** favors to be friends with popular boys..

Ruchel

Mon, Jan 12 2015, 5:51 am

amother wrote:

Its very common.. I went to PS and many girls were exchaning s** favors to be friends with popular boys..

I went to PS and didn't hear of ONE such case.

Now, apart from PS bash, yes it's normal.
If you have the heart, read the short story by Anne Frank hyd about this. I'm sure someone will remember the name. The child must know it won't help.

amother

Mon, Jan 12 2015, 5:58 am

It's very sad. My DD, who had serious social difficulties, tried to do this even when she saw that it didn't work.

Of course it's a good idea to help a child develop her sense of self and confidence, but that doesn't guarantee kids will be friends with her.

DrMom

Mon, Jan 12 2015, 6:32 am

amother wrote:

Its very common.. I went to PS and many girls were exchaning s** favors to be friends with popular boys..

Um, I went to PS from K-12 and never heard of anything so disturbing taking place.

OP, I think you need to help your child differentiate between friendliness and exploitation. Help him find true friends who will not take advantage of him. Are there any nice boys or girls in his class whom you could invite over for a playdate to help him forge these friendships?

Tablepoetry

Mon, Jan 12 2015, 7:22 am

I went to public high school and never heard of girls buying boys' 'friendship'. If it happened, it was on the fringe of the fringe.
That said, I have had a child resort to 'buying' friendship....bringing sweets to school to hand out, bringing barbies for the girls to play with at recess, etc. I dont think it's wrong in of itself. It shows a desperation that needs to be addressed. It actually sometimes works, as long as it comes off as generosity and not exploitation. Its a fine line.

greenfire

Mon, Jan 12 2015, 11:38 am

it says in pirkei avos ...

קנה לך חבר

however I do not think this includes someone bullying your kid to buy him something to be friends ... it really means treating your friends with kindness to build on said relationship

SRS

Mon, Jan 12 2015, 12:19 pm

I actually was thinking about this and was going to say that there is a place for "acquiring" a friend. But this job is best done by parents who are working with their children to secure some appropriate friends, not by young elementary students that are being intimidated into "friendship." But certainly if there is a child that you really think would be of benefit for your child to befriend, provide the snacks and open your home, or take them bowling. An example of a healthy acquisition would be a motivated study partner for a student that doesn't see the importance, or a child that is very open to helping introduce a more shy child to a larger group of friends.