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Tantrum help, please!



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amother


 

Post Mon, Jan 12 2015, 10:02 am
Just-turned 3 year old DS is prone to horrific tantrums as soon as things don't go his way.

Reasoning does not help.
Talking/listening as per How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen... does not help.
Time outs or ignoring do not help.

So what would help?

For example, there is a certain short video that he loves to watch. (Ironically, I only showed it to him because I was trying to distract him from a different awful tantrum phase; otherwise, we have very little screen time in the family.) He knows, or should know by now, that the rule is that he is allowed to watch it only once a day, in the afternoon. But he tantrums every morning to watch it before he goes to school, and he tantrums every day after watching it in the afternoon to watch it again. I am ready to go cold turkey on it and never let him watch it again!

(That's just an example. This is a constant situation. And if ignored or ignored on/off, he can go on for about forever, or at least 2 hours.)
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 12 2015, 11:55 am
"Horrific tantrums" tells me that he's extremely frustrated. Perhaps your rules don't make sense to him, nor seem fair.

If he can't have the movie, then make sure he has other fun things to do.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 12 2015, 12:20 pm
DD started having tantrums like that over videos. IMHO, those things are like crack! Kids can get physically addicted to the soothing they get from a safe and predictable video, because life is so unpredictable and uncertain.

Unfortunately, they go straight to wanting a video instead of learning that they can weather through situations, and it slows their emotional growth. You're going to have to cut him off cold turkey, and be prepared to give him lots of hands on and interactive activities to get him past this phase. He will eat up every second of your spare time, but it will be worth it in the long run. (BTDT)

Think about arranging play groups after school, so he can get more social interaction in an less structured way, he obviously needs a lot of input. (He'll sleep better, too.)

Tantrums just come with the territory, and while to you it feels like they last forever, they really don't. No kid can tantrum for more than an hour or so without wearing themselves out. Now whining and begging can go on endlessly, but you still need to stand firm. You MUST be the adult in charge her, and set your boundaries firmly. Let him push against those boundaries all he wants, but DO NOT GIVE IN! If you give in, you're just teaching him that boundaries are unstable and it's all on a whim, which means that whining and tantruming are still bargaining chips that can be played.

I'm betting that your DS is very smart, and he will figure out how he can get what he wants in a nice way, once he figures out that the not nice way is no longer working.

Now run to the dollar store and stock up on Playdoh, washable markers, paper scissors, and paper! It's time to make art projects for the grandparents. Wink
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jan 12 2015, 12:23 pm
chani8 wrote:
"Horrific tantrums" tells me that he's extremely frustrated. Perhaps your rules don't make sense to him, nor seem fair.

If he can't have the movie, then make sure he has other fun things to do.


It's the morning. He's supposed to be getting dressed, eating breakfast, and leaving to school. And his siblings are supposed to be getting dressed, eating breakfast, and leaving to school. And his mother is supposed to be getting dressed, davening, and leaving to work. There's no time for fun in the morning. Hence the afternoon rule.
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chayamiriam




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 12 2015, 12:23 pm
Why can't he have the movie? If this is what is relaxing and soothing I would just let him have it at any time but not as a response to a tantrum!
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jan 12 2015, 12:26 pm
FranticFrummie wrote:
DD started having tantrums like that over videos. IMHO, those things are like crack! Kids can get physically addicted to the soothing they get from a safe and predictable video, because life is so unpredictable and uncertain.

Unfortunately, they go straight to wanting a video instead of learning that they can weather through situations, and it slows their emotional growth. You're going to have to cut him off cold turkey, and be prepared to give him lots of hands on and interactive activities to get him past this phase. He will eat up every second of your spare time, but it will be worth it in the long run. (BTDT)

Think about arranging play groups after school, so he can get more social interaction in an less structured way, he obviously needs a lot of input. (He'll sleep better, too.)

Tantrums just come with the territory, and while to you it feels like they last forever, they really don't. No kid can tantrum for more than an hour or so without wearing themselves out. Now whining and begging can go on endlessly, but you still need to stand firm. You MUST be the adult in charge her, and set your boundaries firmly. Let him push against those boundaries all he wants, but DO NOT GIVE IN! If you give in, you're just teaching him that boundaries are unstable and it's all on a whim, which means that whining and tantruming are still bargaining chips that can be played.

I'm betting that your DS is very smart, and he will figure out how he can get what he wants in a nice way, once he figures out that the not nice way is no longer working.

Now run to the dollar store and stock up on Playdoh, washable markers, paper scissors, and paper! It's time to make art projects for the grandparents. Wink

Smile Thanks!

It's not just the video. It's "you can't have a treat before supper." It's "you can't take X food [to which a classmate is allergic to] to school." It's "when Totty is not home, he is not home." It's "now it's bathtime/bedtime/meal time." It's "I can't read you a book right this second because I am changing baby brother's diaper." (And yes, I read him plenty of books the rest of the time!)

Pretty much, it's anything that he wants, as soon as he doesn't get it.

I'm looking for general tips about tantrums in general, not ideas for specific scenarios.
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amother


 

Post Mon, Jan 12 2015, 12:27 pm
chayamiriam wrote:
Why can't he have the movie? If this is what is relaxing and soothing I would just let him have it at any time but not as a response to a tantrum!


Can we move past the examples and to the broader question of how to prevent and deal with tantrums?

Unfortunately, there will always be things that he doesn't like. How can I prevent his breaking down into hysterics over every such occurrence?
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precious




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 12 2015, 10:11 pm
If he can handle charts, I find they work very well

1. work on patience - he wants you to read him a story and he waits a few minutes till you're ready, he gets a sticker. he waits to get the treat after supper, a sticker. cant take the snack to school, leave it on counter to eat at home, sticker. etc. you decide how many stickers for a prize, or video can be the prize.

2. you can also make a chart for the MORNING.
___get dressed nicely
___eat breakfast nicely
___ready for school on time
then he can take a special snack to school

3. at calm times, play out the scenarios with puppets or dolls, showing examples of what he gets upset about and the appropriate way to deal with it ex. doll wants to watch video, mom says not now, doll can cry and tantrum, doll can find something else fun to do, doll can use her words to express her feelings.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 12 2015, 10:19 pm
amother wrote:

I'm looking for general tips about tantrums in general, not ideas for specific scenarios.


http://www.loveandlogic.com/c-.....w_wcB

http://www.loveandlogic.com/p-......aspx

http://www.loveandlogic.com/p-......aspx

http://www.loveandlogic.com/p-......aspx

I love this entire series!
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