Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Interesting Discussions
How would you feel if your husband would be a polygamist?
  Previous  1  2  3  4  5  6  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

imaima




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:35 pm
Undefined wrote:
I have often somewhat jokingly told my husband he could have a concubine, but really I'd prefer a cowife. Imagine sharing the burden of the house with her, we could split up making shabbos together, take turns putting kids to bed , help with cleaning, decisions etc. Not to mention when I'm not in the mood for intimacy. My only requirement is that she be slightly heavier than me, not that attractive, and not smell as good as me Wink


I think the idea is for wives to live in different houses. otherwise they would end up having period at the same time, as it often happens when several women live under the same roof.
Back to top

b from nj




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:46 pm
imaima wrote:
I think the idea is for wives to live in different houses. otherwise they would end up having period at the same time, as it often happens when several women live under the same roof.


Not if they are each on different hormonal BC cycles.
Back to top

amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Jan 15 2015, 5:28 pm
I think the kids would need to be homeschooled.

Last edited by amother on Sun, Jan 31 2016, 2:06 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

Yael




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 15 2015, 5:34 pm
edited: I have cleaned up the thread. please stay on topic and respectful.
Back to top

amother


 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 12:55 am
Miri7 wrote:
I often joke to DH that I would like a wife! Meaning, someone to take on additional household responsibilities. With both if us working full time it would be a great help!


So wife= maid?
Back to top

zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 1:26 am
amother wrote:
So wife= maid?


Based on recent posts by amothers with demanding dhs, it would seem so.
Back to top

zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 1:27 am
amother wrote:
I don't think I would mind! As long as he would give equally time and resources, I could see the other wife and I doing things together, caring for children together, schmoozing. Of course there would be obvious occasional jealousy, fights and things but I could see it working out. With the right kind of woman, sure.

We each would have our own space, our own things, time with dh and we would alsonhave each other
Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter Rolling Laughter
Back to top

amother


 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 1:33 am
If u don't feel ur throat constricting murderously at the thought of ur husband kissing, gazing at, and making love to another woman -- talking affectionately to her -- hugging her -- cuddling w her afterwards -- then something is wrong with u.

Or ur marriage is so bad all ur normal instincts have been squashed
Back to top

Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 7:46 am
sequoia wrote:
You'd be surprised. Some men genuinely have a sultan mentality. And some of those can afford multiple establishments, even on different continents.


If they don't even have the rednecky Clitus excuse (nowadays) or the 2000 yr ago excuse... then to me they are low lives.
Back to top

dimples




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 8:16 am
I don't know if this was mentioned, but in tanach the second wife was oftenly referred to as a tzarah. So we see how having multiple wives was not an ideal situation back then.
Back to top

amother


 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 8:40 am
amother wrote:
If u don't feel ur throat constricting murderously at the thought of ur husband kissing, gazing at, and making love to another woman -- talking affectionately to her -- hugging her -- cuddling w her afterwards -- then something is wrong with u.

Or ur marriage is so bad all ur normal instincts have been squashed


Or maybe some people just don't have the same instincts you do.

What about that one imamother who doesn't even like being breathed on, touched, practically anything with her husband. How bad he must feel! From her posts she hates all that stuff (except perhaps for the looking affectionately part). Judging from those who responded to her post lots of women feel that way. What about their husbands? Wouldn't they need affection? I am not advocating polygamy in any shape or form, I am trying to show things from another perspective.

Also, yes there would be jealously, of course there would be. There is jealousy among people even when s-x isn't involved. Most of these posts on imamother deal with jealousy in some form.

If my husband decided to adopt that lifestyle (which we are in no way doing) it would have to be with the right person right situation right time right frame of mind. Heavens we all aren't going to be sharing a bed for crying out loud!

People let their husbands look at p-rn, isn't that sort of the same thing? He is making love to her with his eyes and mind, which is horrible.

All these are just thoughts.
Back to top

PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 8:49 am
amother wrote:
Or maybe some people just don't have the same instincts you do.

What about that one imamother who doesn't even like being breathed on, touched, practically anything with her husband. How bad he must feel! From her posts she hates all that stuff (except perhaps for the looking affectionately part). Judging from those who responded to her post lots of women feel that way. What about their husbands? Wouldn't they need affection? I am not advocating polygamy in any shape or form, I am trying to show things from another perspective.

Also, yes there would be jealously, of course there would be. There is jealousy among people even when s-x isn't involved. Most of these posts on imamother deal with jealousy in some form.

If my husband decided to adopt that lifestyle (which we are in no way doing) it would have to be with the right person right situation right time right frame of mind. Heavens we all aren't going to be sharing a bed for crying out loud!

People let their husbands look at p-rn, isn't that sort of the same thing? He is making love to her with his eyes and mind, which is horrible.

All these are just thoughts.


I can't go back in time a few millenia, or even not so distant but travel to other cultures, like Yemen, to see how it was done. I'm not sure what you mean by the right time, etc. But I can say that I don't know how healthy the marriage is if
- a woman ALWAYS feel the way you describe toward her husband, re his breathing on her, etc.
- she lets him watch [filth].

Hugs to anyone who can identify with any of that. Just saying that these aren't optimal situations and someone in this situation should be getting some sort of help and chizuk to improve things.
Back to top

amother


 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 8:49 am
amother wrote:
Or maybe some people just don't have the same instincts you do.

What about that one imamother who doesn't even like being breathed on, touched, practically anything with her husband. How bad he must feel! From her posts she hates all that stuff (except perhaps for the looking affectionately part). Judging from those who responded to her post lots of women feel that way. What about their husbands? Wouldn't they need affection? I am not advocating polygamy in any shape or form, I am trying to show things from another perspective.

Also, yes there would be jealously, of course there would be. There is jealousy among people even when s-x isn't involved. Most of these posts on imamother deal with jealousy in some form.

If my husband decided to adopt that lifestyle (which we are in no way doing) it would have to be with the right person right situation right time right frame of mind. Heavens we all aren't going to be sharing a bed for crying out loud!

People let their husbands look at p-rn, isn't that sort of the same thing? He is making love to her with his eyes and mind, which is horrible.

All these are just thoughts.


Most women do not 'let' their husbands look at p-rn. It is usually done behind the wives backs unless they are both agreeing to watch p-rn together to spice up their marriage or whatever.
Back to top

amother


 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 9:47 am
amother wrote:
Most women do not 'let' their husbands look at p-rn. It is usually done behind the wives backs unless they are both agreeing to watch p-rn together to spice up their marriage or whatever.


Oh really? If you would look at the threads concerning p-orn most of the women know what their husbands are up to and choose to look the other way. In fact the advice given to them is usually along the lines of 'he is a grown man' 'it is something between him and Hashem'...things like that. Let me tell you that if I know my husband is in the bathroom looking at [filth] or staying up late looking at [filth] you had better believe I would take care of that very quickly. IMVHO hiding under the blankets while he is on the computer till the wee hours of the morning or looking in the other direction while he takes his phone into the bathroom is ALLOWING! There is no other way to slice it.

However polygamy is a whole other scenario. It would have to be discussed before the first marriage even occurred. The women would have to get along, it would have to work. I watched that show Sister Wives, it seemed the problems started when that 4 th wife came into the picture.

I really don't know why I am arguing in favor of something that I would not want to be involved in. Jealousy runs wild here. I guess I am different, I would not be thinking about my husband having s-x with the other wife just like I don't think about what he did before we met. It isn't a part of my life, I don't want to know. I am not a !jealous person by nature.
Back to top

Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 9:55 am
I'm all for plural marriages. I'd love to have a wife! If I came home at the end of the day and the house was clean, laundry away, dinner on table, homework done....my life would be perfect. Then I could spend quality time with the kids.

Oh, you mean a second wife for the husband....hmmm, no, I don't think I would like that at all.
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 9:58 am
Thanks Yael.


I once read a story in Mishpacha about a Yemenite woman who was the 2nd wife. In her situation, she came from a poor family and her father had no money to marry her off....her husband's wife was very ill, and there were children needing care. So he married her and she bonded with those children even before the first wife passed away, and took over the running of the house. In a sense, when their mother died at least those children still had their home.

She admitted her feelings of disappointment and jealousy when she got married, but that was her reality. She came thru admirably and raised all the children (she had some of her own too) as her own.

Though I was touched by the story, I can't imagine being that wife.
Back to top

Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 10:02 am
And on a serious note, regarding remarriage

My mother passed away when my dad was 37. He remarried. 15 years later my step mom passed away. He remarried again. He is one of those men who isn't meant to be alone. Each wife was very different, and each wife made him happy in different ways. I can't imagine how he would have survived without having these three wives in his life.

When my grandmother passed away, my grandfather was in his 70's. A few years later he met a widow and they lived together (never married, for social security reasons) for many years, and she made him very happy. They loved each other very much. She cared for him when he became ill and was with him until the end. Even though they never married, she was in most ways his wife.

I have told my husband if ch"v I die, and he wants to remarry, I am ok with that. I want him to continue living life. It doesn't mean he forgets about me. It means he honors what we had by being willing to allow another love in his life.

BUT if he married a woman who in any way is mean to my kids I will come back from beyond and make both of their lives a living hell!!!
Back to top

amother


 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 10:16 am
amother wrote:
Oh really? If you would look at the threads concerning p-orn most of the women know what their husbands are up to and choose to look the other way. In fact the advice given to them is usually along the lines of 'he is a grown man' 'it is something between him and Hashem'...things like that. Let me tell you that if I know my husband is in the bathroom looking at [filth] or staying up late looking at [filth] you had better believe I would take care of that very quickly. IMVHO hiding under the blankets while he is on the computer till the wee hours of the morning or looking in the other direction while he takes his phone into the bathroom is ALLOWING! There is no other way to slice it.

However polygamy is a whole other scenario. It would have to be discussed before the first marriage even occurred. The women would have to get along, it would have to work. I watched that show Sister Wives, it seemed the problems started when that 4 th wife came into the picture.

I really don't know why I am arguing in favor of something that I would not want to be involved in. Jealousy runs wild here. I guess I am different, I would not be thinking about my husband having s-x with the other wife just like I don't think about what he did before we met. It isn't a part of my life, I don't want to know. I am not a !jealous person by nature.


I'm the amother you quoted & disagree with what you said about us women looking the other way when it comes to our DHs viewing p-rn.

I am unfortunately one of those amothers who was recently shocked to discover my DHs dirty little secret that he successfully managed to keep hidden from me for many, many years.

Once he admitted the truth to me 2 years after I confronted him because of something I discovered on his computer, I made it clear that I would not put up with it any longer & that I needed him to go for serious counseling with an expert in this field in order for our marriage to continue (even though he had been the perfect husband-sweet, kind, & respectful throughout our marriage. The thing I could not handle was the fact that the man I believed to be my soul mate & best friend was secretly viewing & touching self to p-rn behind my back which simply shattered me & my trust in my marriage & in my DH.

BH he is currently going for weekly therapy to address his addiction even though it disrupts his work schedule. Thankfully he knows that it's what he must do if he wants us to continue to stay married which he definitely does.

Even though there may be some amothers who have the "boys will be boys" attitude about their men & p-rn, I would think that the vast majority of us do NOT look the other way & instead insist that our husbands install webchaver, sign up with Guard Your Eyes, go for counseling, join a 12 step program etc.
Back to top

Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 10:25 am
Ima2NYM_LTR what a beautiful post. ITA with you (and your last line!)

It reminded me of my great-grandfather, whom we called Zeidy. He and his BIL - brother of his wife, my great-grandmother - came to the US in the 1930's on business, and with the intent to try to bring their families over and get away from Europe. Neither were successful despite the herculean efforts they made to get them visas. It was just too late and the quotas were too low....Zeidy did manage to bring one daughter - my grandmother - to the US, as she had earlier applied for a visa for other reasons, and it came thru in time. But Zeidy and his BIL Uncle Moshe both lost their wives in the holocaust. Two of Uncle Moshe's daughters survived the camps and he did have Nachas from grandchildren later. My grandmother's sister also survived by hiding with false papers.

In any case - Zeidy remarried a loving woman we called Grandma, and they lived a happy life together. They travelled around the world when they weren't living in their apartment near the beach in Netanya. We saw them often, and she made him a home and he made her happy. He passed away in his 90's, and Grandma lived to age 102. I can't say my grandmother and her sister loved Grandma - it was hard for them to see a woman take their mother's place - but let me tell you, they appreciated not having the burden of caring for their elderly father or worrying about him, and they were glad he had his own home and independence. As for myself, we kids loved Zeidy and Grandma (and the presents they bought, and the candy....)

Uncle Moshe never remarried. My grandmother tried to talk to him many times, and he just said "Mein kind, ich ken nisht" (I can't). He lived with the guilt of not succeeding with his wife's rescue, every single day. He was a lonely, depressed, sad man to the day he passed away.

I would never want that for DH. I love him too much. I plan on living to be the old, chocolate-chip-cookie-baking-Grandma-in-her-90's, B"EH....but I tell you, I would never want my DH to be alone, sad, without a wife to make him a home. I wouldn't want him to be dependent on his kids for Shabbosim (see that other thread going on about this.) I would want him to live a rich, full, life always - testimony to what we have, now


As for now...I can't imagine any sane woman wanting to be my co-wife. "tzara" would likely describe me well, in that capacity. And as for bringing an insane woman into my marriage, I wouldn't wish that on DH. So no, I don't think polygamy would work very well for us!
Back to top

amother


 

Post Fri, Jan 16 2015, 11:35 am
amother wrote:
I'm the amother you quoted & disagree with what you said about us women looking the other way when it comes to our DHs viewing p-rn.

I am unfortunately one of those amothers who was recently shocked to discover my DHs dirty little secret that he successfully managed to keep hidden from me for many, many years.

Once he admitted the truth to me 2 years after I confronted him because of something I discovered on his computer, I made it clear that I would not put up with it any longer & that I needed him to go for serious counseling with an expert in this field in order for our marriage to continue (even though he had been the perfect husband-sweet, kind, & respectful throughout our marriage. The thing I could not handle was the fact that the man I believed to be my soul mate & best friend was secretly viewing & touching self to p-rn behind my back which simply shattered me & my trust in my marriage & in my DH.

BH he is currently going for weekly therapy to address his addiction even though it disrupts his work schedule. Thankfully he knows that it's what he must do if he wants us to continue to stay married which he definitely does.

Even though there may be some amothers who have the "boys will be boys" attitude about their men & p-rn, I would think that the vast majority of us do NOT look the other way & instead insist that our husbands install webchaver, sign up with Guard Your Eyes, go for counseling, join a 12 step program etc.


So what were you doing those two years he knew you knew but was still doing it?? Hiding and turning your back!
Back to top
Page 4 of 6   Previous  1  2  3  4  5  6  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Interesting Discussions

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Mishloach manos for your husband...advice from recent widow
by amother
27 Sun, Mar 24 2024, 3:04 pm View last post
Don’t feel like me in tichels 3 Fri, Mar 22 2024, 10:48 am View last post
S/O mishloach monos to ex husband from kids
by amother
13 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 10:49 am View last post
What made you feel old today?
by mommyla
78 Thu, Mar 14 2024, 3:55 pm View last post
Asd husband asd child
by amother
2 Tue, Mar 05 2024, 3:29 pm View last post