I Messed Up BIG Time!!!

amother

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:03 am

My child received an iPad for his/her bat/bar mitzvah and every time s/he is on it it looks like s/he is watching tv shows. Not fabulous but it seems relatively harmless.
I have the password.

The other day I noticed a text from a boy/girl- I opened the iPad and discovered s/he has been texting this person incessantly-to the point of annoying. Like 30 texts to his/her 2.

I spoke with my child and he said he would stop.

It appears s/he opened an instagram account pretending to be a classmate (an administrators child) and asked several of the peers if s/he (his/her true identity) should be blocked by everyone and one by one the so called friends described my child as annoying and a pain and a nerd and they all unanimously agreed to block my child.

This must have been very painful but Im even more horrified that s/he opened an account posing as someone else.
I feel like such a failure as a parent.

Naturally the iPad has been confiscated- for an undetermined amount of time. Personally I want it smashed with a hammer.

What do I do now?

Did my child receive enough punishment- ridicules by classmates and losing the iPad---

Is that typical for peers to bully each other online?

I am sickened by this whole episode and feel like a terrible parent.

I am devastated.

imasinger

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:27 am

You did not mess up big time. These things have many facets, including your DC's issues since early childhood, the school environment, your parenting, and more.

The question is how to look at this and move forward, because there is something serious to worry about.

Your DC is clearly in pain, possibly or probably being bullied, and struggling. Has s/he ever been evaluated? There is a certain OCD feel to the overtexting.

Please get him/her help ASAP. Let him/her know that you are there to support and help, not to criticize or blame. Read R. Twersky's books for chizuk.

You may need to consider, among other options, ongoing counseling, a different school, a social skills program, and some extracurricular activity (Jewish scouting? Drama? A sport or creative/technological club?) where s/he can shine and make real friends. It only takes one or two really good friends to help self esteem in the social arena.

And please, please continue to stay on top of the ipad use. Learn about parenting and the internet, and insist that your DC learn about internet safety, too. Get a filter, monitor the texting. A kid that vulnerable is at real risk.

You got a timely wake up call, b"H. May good things follow.

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:42 am

No advice. But please realize that you didn't mess up by giving your child the ipad. Your child messed up by misusing the ipad. (Unless 12/13 isn't old enough to expect that amount of responsiblity? I'd assume it is, but I don't know.)

Your child sounds like s/he is suffering from low self esteem, though, if he felt like he needed to find out what everyone thinks about him. (Or her.) Perhaps he could benefit from some sort of social groups class? Does he normally have boundary issues? Does he have friends?

And I'm sure bullying is even more common online than in real life - it's easier to do! (Just check out imamother...)

Miri7

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:45 am

Oh, wow. My heart goes out to you and your DC. That is really painful. And concerning to you.

Regarding the internet piece - don't be too hard on DC about opening the account. A major problem is that teens to online and don't realize that their actions in cyberspace are very real. So assuming this person's identity may not seem like such a huge transgression.

There are great courses/resources for kids to learn about being a good citizen on/user of the internet. I recommend that you seek one out for DC.

My heart breaks for the kiddo. Kids can be so mean.

amother

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 12:47 am

I appreciate your kind words.

Child was in therapy for a while 3 years a go and the psychiatrist said child would be fine with a tiny antidepressant and something to help with focus in class. S/he takes 3 tiny pills everyday. 2 for attention and focus and 1 antidepressant.

The Psychiatrist said child is fine and said no need for therapy.

I already put in a call for an appointment before Shabbos to have the doctor determine if child would need to start therapy again.

It saddens me because child did so well on hall the high school interviews. The Heads of School were very excited and said not to worry about scholarship they REALLY want my kid. S/he relates really well to adults but clearly not as well with peers.

Thanks again for your words of encouragement. Once again Imamother helps a mom in need.

Love to you all!

imasinger

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 6:38 am

I have kids with ADHD, too, and would never describe stimulants or antidepressants as "tiny." (Though the pills aren't large). These are powerful, brain changing chemicals. I am all in favor of kids who need them getting them, but anyone on them should be regularly checking in with a doctor.

Don't just go back to the same doctor as before, though it's fine to start out there. Given the repetitive and driven nature of both the texting, and the posting, I would suggest a neurologist or developmental pediatrician for a top notch second opinion. Be sure you have th right diagnosis and treatment before anything.

Some antidepressants are known to make a certain percentage of teens suicidal. Your DC would do best to continue seeing a therapist, hopefully forming a good bond, as well as getting regular checks from the prescribing doctor.

amother

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 8:21 am

Our kids have ipads/ipod but a. We turned off the internet browser, youtube, itunes, the app store and some other apps and b. If they want an app, we have to turn on the appstore and then put in the account password. We don't let them have any social media except for whatsapp. The potential for bullying and other stuff at that age is too great, as you have found out.

Even with this they have done stuff we didn't want them doing...one kid managed to download google and was using it to watch movies. When that happened the device was confiscated for a time and eventually (after a few months) returned.

amother

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 8:25 am

Ditto to the PP - if you child is on medication without therapy or much surveillance, did you plan on continuing indefinitely? I kind of find this issue more troubling than the iPad which was just a mistake!

Like anything, this is a learning experience for you and your child. Move forward. We all have stories from the teen years that aresimilar - being embarrassed , getting in trouble etc Just keep dialogue open

morah

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 8:54 am

Cyber bullying is unfortunately very real and it is much worse than regular bullying because there is NO relief. It follows you even outside school. I think you need to start therapy again and maybe take a parenting class focusing on digital issues- not because you're a bad parent but because this is all so new that most parents don't really know how to handle digital issues. It's not like you can ask your mom or grandma, right? I would also talk to the school. If things aren't going well socially, the school absolutely has a role to play. Many schools think they can't do anything about cyber bullying because it's after hours, but they absolutely can and should.

Barbara

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 9:58 am

Is it cyber bullying to decide that you don't want to deal with a person whom you consider to be "annoying" and "a pain"?

If your child came to you and told you that a classmate was sending him a large number of messages, which were unwelcome and to which he didn't respond, and was being "annoying" and "a pain," wouldn't you say "just unfriend him." I would. You shouldn't be mean about it, but its not "bullying" to refuse to interact with people you just plain don't like.

I agree that if OP's DS had been a "real" person, encouraging others to block him, that would have been troubling, likely bullying, behavior. But in this case, he himself was doing the urging. And others were simply agreeing that it was not pleasant to deal with him.

OP, your child doesn't need discipline, he needs help in interacting with other kids. Please, seek therapy for him. He'll have a whole new shot next year, when he goes to high school. Let him start with new social skills.

ROFL

Thu, Jan 15 2015, 11:10 pm

What I find painful here is that your child knew that other kids didn't like him or her, and was able to work the system to confirm that. Imagine how painful for the child. So now child knows that others don't like him, her. You need to get your child into therapy to learn social skills and to help increase self esteem Entering a new school may help with starting with a clean slate Best of luck