CIO Is Over But We Didn't Live Happily Ever After

bezrasHashem1

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 9:37 am

Fellow CIOer here. First if all, good for you for standing up for yourself and for what's right for your family. I spoke to a prominent psychologist before doing CIO, which he highly recommended (at 6 months and 12 pounds).
Ferber has a a section on naps. Put baby in for a nap, do whatever ritual your want (I never had one for naptime, only bedtime), and leave her. Let her CIO. If she's still crying after a half hour, take her it and consider that naptime over. Don't try to comfort her and put her back, and don't try again for at least a half hour (I think).
I agree with giving a bottle of formula before bedtime, even if your nursing exclusively.
Hatzlacha!

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 12:46 pm

Yes, it is important that the baby not get over-tired. It is very hard to sleep when you are over-tired, even for adults. The pain of being tired keeps you up! Pain is stimulating!

OP pay close attention to when the kid is getting tired and put her down right then, don't wait, it only gets harder. It is impossible to spoil anybody under a year. Give her what she needs when she wants it. None of her requests can be unreasonable.

I personally favor pacis. When they fall out, you put it back in, the kid sucks, and goes back to sleep. I like the Nuk brand.

Remember: the sleeping room should not be too warm.

A baby does not need to be any warmer than yourself.

Have a dangly crib mobile, safety-approved. They keep the kid occupied if she wakes up. You don't want to be the only interesting thing in her life; she needs other things to think about.

And: when the kid sleeps, you sleep. As much as humanly possible.

Hugs. You are doing a good job.

amother

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 3:00 pm

bezrasHashem1 wrote:

To the posters who mentioned bottles, I don't think this is a good idea. My baby is possibly allergic to cows milk. (I am off of it.) When I went off, I tried switching to soy (ate lots of soy yogurts and drank soy milk) and she was extremely gassy. The last thing I need is for her to be crying in pain all night. I am not sure what I would do if I had to give her formula, but b"H I am able to BF.

greenfire

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 3:14 pm

imaima wrote:

Really? You chopped up my post because I think that someone was wrong?

I think CIO deserves it's own Safe Haven, and everyone else can go to ~~hell~~ Natural Parenting.

your post was chopped up because you were rude like hell in the assumption you made regarding FranticFrummie ~

quite frankly I'm shocked you didn't bow out gracefully when your post was chopped

the amount of children one has doesn't have a bearing on how one cares for them ~

you should apologize ...

chavs

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 8:09 pm

Leaving a baby to cry for half an hour is not ok.
Someone said something about it not being like you are torturing the baby but how is leaving a small child to cry for that long not cruel?
I am honestly shocked. Yes, motherhood is hard, yes babies need to sleep but they have absolutely no understanding of what's going on and how come mummy kisses them better when they are sad during the day but are left by themselves to cry au night. I've read so many women who miss their husband when nidda at night or who feel unsafe at night yet babies are expected to not be scared or basically pull up their socks and go to sleep lest they don't have enough sleep.
If you feel as though you are gonna hurt someone do see a therapist but why let it affect your baby. Learn to take care of your own needs appropriately. My baby is 5 months and no he doesn't sleep though the night at all, to try to retain my sanity I make sure I eat 3 nutritious meals a day, have showers, I rest when he rests whether or not I sleep with him or he is managing a nap by himself. I make sure I speak with an adult daily and I go to therapy. I do not however leave him to cry for half an hour, he didn't ask to be born and he needs me. I wouldn't ignore my husband if he cried, I wouldn't ignore a friend, why on the world would I ignore my child?
Responding to your baby's cries help be in tune with them and know what they need and want. It's really important to try to understand what you're baby is telling you and it's important to try to respond to them.
This thread started out with op sounding like she was asking permission to respond to her baby's cues which no mother should feel the need for.
Listen to your baby and take care of yourself and her.

scrltfr

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 9:10 pm

chavs wrote:

Do you have other kids? It is not so easy to rest when your baby rests if you have an infant and a toddler it is also not so easy to go on lack of sleep if you are an older mother. Please don't judge those that let their babies cry. We all do our best. What works for you may not work for others.

greenfire

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 9:30 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. I am going to elaborate on what was said later but for now I'll say that I don't think I would ever physically danger my child. It was mainly emotional. I would start screaming and then start smacking other things like beds and even my DH once. I never wrote that I would physically danger my child. I wrote "somebody" not DD. But, from my own experience, I know that emotional abuse (like yelling) can be just as bad. I knew I needed to stop. As someone else pointed out, lack of sleep was making me psychotic and I was having melt downs. I was smart enough to just let DD cry when I had a meltdown (what I wrote above).

DH helped me when he was home. Unfortunately, this is not often enough. I am in a tough situation and have very little support. He was totally supportive when I had my "psychotic" incident and started slapping him. He knew it wasn't me, it was just sheer exhaustion and protecting the baby.

Anyway, I don't know why we are talking about this. THIS is PAST! Presently, I'm a much better Mommy. I hardly ever lose it Smile

I only brought up this point b/c 'yall were picking on the fact that I do CIO, so I decided to explain why I do CIO. Please stop making me feel bad when I've learned how to cope.

All this is great work & progress in action to be commended.

That being said nobody knows when they're going to lose that balance between a psychotic episode which makes you slap your husband vs a psychotic episode which makes one hurt their baby. chas v'shalom.

Please continue to seek help and advice. Maybe even ask a doctor about postpartum depression.

good luck !!! Hug

imorethanamother

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 11:41 pm

chavs wrote:

Wow! You're right! It's so simple! All I need to do is stop working so that I can attend to every whim of this new baby, ignore everything else and sleep when the baby sleeps, do nothing when the baby's up because she's still - you know - an infant and needs to be held. I will get a cook and a personal shopper that will do all the grocery shopping and make me all these nutritious meals, and have lots of time and money left over for a therapist! And somewhere in this I must also have a housekeeper because with all this sleeping and eating and showering and going to therapist I don't exactly do the laundry and clean up this house.

OR, you know, we could just all do the best we can with the households we are given. And stop the guilt tripping.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Jan 21 2015, 11:51 pm

If you are in a Fresh Direct delivery area, get your food over the internet. You can choose delivery times. If you aren't in the US Northeast, there is a national service called E Cart, I think. I you aren't in the US, talk to the manager of the main store you usually go to, and get a fax number for your order, or way of ordering over the phone. You need about the same fifteen or twenty items all the time, perhaps they will deliver, if they know you and the manager has your credit card number on file. The small fee is worth it in time and energy saved.

You can put simple foods into the slow cooker in a few minutes, and there's your dinner.

The housekeeping can get a bit soft around the edges for a while. Don't worry about it.

The laundry is a problem. See if you can get some help with that.

Your work? Maybe that can be cut back a little.

Ask around. People hate to ask but do ask your Rebbetzin for a volunteer or some help with things.

Hugs.

bezrasHashem1

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 1:11 am

Response to chavs:
the CIO method is a legitimate method for teaching a baby to self soothe. It is not a coping mechanism for mothers who don't want to get up at night. Giving an infant the tools to put themselves back to sleep is a chesed. Letting my baby CIO was very painful fir me, and it should be, my baby was distressed! But that doesn't mean it's not the right thing to do. Parents do many things that are painful for then because it's painful to the child. Shots, firm reprimand if a child does something dangerous, etc.
There is real chachma to CIO, backed by psychological experts and numerous studies. If it's not for you, np.

amother

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 2:28 am

greenfire wrote:

Thanks for the advice. I don't know if I am being clear enough, but b"H this type of behavior is PAST! I only mentioned it b/c ppl were condemning me for doing the Controlled Crying Method (CIO wtvr u call it). I was explaining that it goes against human nature, but it was so beneficial to our family.

I am currently managing rather well thanks to the fact that I taught my daughter how to fall back asleep on her own.

I didn't mean to bring up a discussion pro vs. anti CIO. Not my intention. My intention was to hear more about the CIO model once the initial phase is over and what to do about set backs and help to know when I just give it up and go hold my baby.

Thanks to everyone's help, last night was great! Baby woke up shrieking. I decided to go to her as she was hysterical. No idea why. I hugged her and cuddled her. Then I put her back down and she cried for maybe a min. or 2 and then settled herself down. She may have woke up another 2 times, but settled w/in a min. or 2. I was happy that I got to hold her and comfort her but also that she could go back to sleep on her own. Then, she woke up to eat at around 2:00 and 6:00 am, fed her both times. (I haven't done night weaning yet.)

imaima

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:41 am

greenfire wrote:

All my assumptions are based on whatever she is posting about herself. If they are wrong, then she is posting a false picture and shouldn't be surprised.
If I was posting on a thread for mothers over 35 I wouldn't be surprised if someone told me I am not qualified to reply because I am not 35.

imaima

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:42 am

chavs wrote:

This thread is a continuation of another thread that Op posted before she started to sleep-train the baby.

imaima

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:54 am

I wish we had clarified several things about sleep training before people decided whether they want to participate on the thread:

1. Not all sleep-training is CIO. There is sleep-training without CIO. CIO is considered the shortest and most effective.

2. CIO is not necessary lechatchila. All humans are born able to fall asleep unconditionally, when they are tired. Through rough infanthood/colics, when nothing works except for holding/rocking/paci, infants learn to sleep on condition and this habit gets in the way of their independent sleeping when they are older.

3. Sleep-training is necessary to help your baby unlearn the bad habit. It is conducted under a set of several conditions and not about plopping baby in a bed and putting on your earphones for the rest of the night.

4. Sleep-training can start at age 4 months when babies switch to astronomical clock instead of their own biological. Until then they can be awake at night for larger stretches.

5. CIO doesn't equal no night feedings. The question is, what does your baby do after a night feeding? Hangs on the breast forever or goes to sleep when put down? You can train your baby to fall asleep when put down.

6. Sleep-training is not in conflict with co-sleeping or sharing a bedroom, IF the baby gets enough sleep this way, and the other family members are happy about the set up. If they are not happy, then it is worth to reconsider what set up will benefit all of the family and, eventually the baby.

imaima

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:57 am

imorethanamother wrote:

Thank you. Guilt-tripping is the word. OP's baby is already half-trained, now she has to ruin all the hard work and jump up to every baby's wimper.