CIO Is Over But We Didn't Live Happily Ever After

chavs

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 4:49 am

I haven't read anyone's replies yes except the first question about whether I have other kids to which the answer is yes I have other kids. He is by no means my first but I hand never and would not do that to my kids just like I wouldn't ignore my husband who is an adult.

I don't really care that it's a legit method, sometimes ppl have to use their brains, hearts and instincts too. There is a reason why it's usually really hard for mothers to do, because the instinct you were given said not to. We are talking about leaving a baby in distress (and crying for whatever reason is distress) alone. We are talking about ignoring the only means h_shem have them to communicate. How is that okay? First lesson in life dear, when you are upset no one will come, you are on your own , good luck.
If someone actually thinks they are psychotic which is not something to use lightly go see a doctor!

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 4:53 am

imorethanamother wrote:

Wow! You're right! It's so simple! All I need to do is stop working so that I can attend to every whim of this new baby, ignore everything else and sleep when the baby sleeps, do nothing when the baby's up because she's still - you know - an infant and needs to be held. I will get a cook and a personal shopper that will do all the grocery shopping and make me all these nutritious meals, and have lots of time and money left over for a therapist! And somewhere in this I must also have a housekeeper because with all this sleeping and eating and showering and going to therapist I don't exactly do the laundry and clean up this house.

OR, you know, we could just all do the best we can with the households we are given. And stop the guilt tripping.

Being a mother is the most important job you will ever have. I'm sorry your baby is inconveniencing your lifestyle so much. {EDITED}

Last edited by FranticFrummie on Thu, Jan 22 2015, 5:54 am; edited 1 time in total

chavs

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 5:00 am

I'd like to add to that tirade that I do not have a cleaner nor a personal shopper, nor a anything else you listed. I do my own cleaning, cooking etc. My home is not perfect because my fostervand come first. To top this up,I have two special kids who have to be taken to appointments on a regular basis, I have to make phonecalls to fight for their rights on a regular basis. I home school as well. I've struggled with depression in the past which necesitated therapy and yes going to the doctor.
None of this means that I should not meet my baby's needs. He did not all to be born, I am an adult, he is a baby.

amother

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 5:50 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Being a mother is the most important job you will ever have. I'm sorry your baby is inconveniencing your lifestyle so much. Maybe you should have thought of that before you had her.

Why are you being so deliberately hurtful? That is not good middos.

Not everyone can drop their entire lives/ work/ other children's needs/ income generators without which they would starve to tend to a baby that screams all night like you did. In real life we compromise, and this lady is looking at ways to do this while still beiing a loving and caring mother.

Why can't you either say something helpful or just butt out?

amother

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 6:05 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Fine, I'll edit it.

I'm just tired of certain posters bashing me because I think it's important to take care of your child first.

They hurt you so you lash out at the OP? In fact, you attacked her first, that is why some people bashed you.
Would your negative and bashing comments have been helpful to you when you were struggling with something and people just turned round to you and told you that you were a lousy mother?

This website breeds nastiness.

amother

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 6:08 am

You can't train them fully if they're still nursing through the night, but it can help a lot. I think it's ok to let a baby cry for 5 minutes (and trust me, I am the type to jump out of bed for every cry and stand by the door, my husband thinks I'm nuts. And yes, I have more than one child!) as long as nothing else is wrong. Part of the sleep training is teaching the kids to go back to sleep on their own. We all have sleep cycles and kids will often cry out at certain points even when nothing is wrong. It does sound like your baby got used to waking at certain times for nursing. These wakeups may only stop once you completely stop nursing during the night. I think it's because they get confused that sometimes they're taken out and sometimes not, so that's why the baby still wakes up at those times.

Good luck - I know it's hard!!!!!! You're a good mommy and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 6:09 am

amother wrote:

At least I can post under my own screen name. My last comment was aimed at imorethanamother, not the OP.

Honestly, I care a LOT more about how the baby feels, than I do the mother. An adult can get over it, but the defenseless baby is the one who suffers.

amother

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 7:01 am

amother wrote:

OP here. Yes, I really think this is true. In fact this is probably the reason Ferber recommends night weaning. B"H the wakeups are short-usually under 2 mins. Not such a big deal, I just want to know how I should respond to them w/o messing up the sleep training. I also think she would sleep better in her own room, b/c she often wakes up when I go in the room to go to sleep (at that point, I feed her). The second room is just not warm enough, so I am waiting for it to be spring before I move her.

amother

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 7:18 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Fine, I'll edit it.

I'm just tired of certain posters bashing me because I think it's important to take care of your child first.

OP here. I know it wasn't aimed at me, but it's my thread. How am I supposed to know how I would feel PP? I never had a baby before.

ETA, my baby is a big bracha! I am so happy I had her. I just know for future that I will need more support (maybe therapy, extra hired help etc.) and plan on some type of sleep training (it will depend on the child and the situation as to which method I employ). Right now, chasdei Hashem, I'm doing well.

amother

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 8:18 am

Anyway, thank you imaima for shedding some clarity on CIO methods.

First, different strokes for different folks. There is research supporting cry and no cry methods. A family needs to choose what will work best for them and their child. Please do not call people who utilize either of these methods bad (incompetent) mothers or people. If a mother ignored her child the entire day and night, didn't feed a child the entire day... could keep listing, that would be incompetent, neglectful and abusive. This is not the same thing. Obviously, if training could be done w/o tears, that's ideal. But this doesn't work for every mother or every BABY.

Every baby is different. My baby is not a big crier. When I put her in her crib, she usually plays for a few mins., then gets tired cries. She hardly ever cries for more than a few mins. (usually it's around a min.) She gets bored of it and either goes to sleep or starts playing and then cries a little bit a few mins. later and then goes to sleep.

She never cried for a long time straight even when I did CIO (which I will say is gradual. It's not just leave the baby and let her cry til she falls asleep). It did take a while for her to fall asleep, but it wasn't a half an hr. of crying. She cried on and off.

She needed to break her bad habits b/c it's not normal for ANYONE to wake up once an hr. to eat. Maybe once every 2/2.5 hrs., but an hr. just meant that she had bad sleep associations and couldn't stay asleep unless she was being fed.

Bottom line, I, and I am assuming other mothers that use CIO, are trying to do our best. If you want to condemn CIO and write us off as horrible, abusive mothers, can you please start another thread? I didn't post to get attacked. It's actually been triggering thoughts of the past and the bad times. I'd much rather focus on the future which be"H should be full of sleep and health, mentally and physically for both of us.

P.S. Could someone start a thread on the Questions and Comment Section about making CIO a safe-haven? I don't want to out myself, but I think we could really use a place to discuss this w/o having to deal w/ hurtful comments by mothers that do differently.

marina

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:15 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

OP, if you are serious in saying that you may be a physical danger to your child, YOU need professional help, and possibly medication.

There is nothing wrong with your baby, but there is something very wrong with your coping skills. Nobody ever said that taking care of a new baby was going to be easy and run like clockwork.

I hope you are on birth control.

Where is DH while you are "losing it"?

stop being judgmental - it's totally normal for a parent to feel like this when a baby cries and screams and putting the child for a nap IS A COMPLETELY PERFECT RESPONSE. Crying it out has no long term harm and is fine for a 6 month old.

Stop all the drama.

OP- leave her to cry for the 5 minutes or whatever, consistency is good for CIO.

marina

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:17 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

This is such a sanctimonious post. Ugh.

I feel soooooo bad for your child FranticFrummie. You chose to vaccinate her and allow her to have sugar and non-organic food items. Don't take this the wrong way, but it just saddens me when people have children and then neglect them.

Like that.

marina

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:20 pm

And the other CIO moms- post under your own name. You are doing nothing wrong. I CIO-ed my kids and they are happy, well-attached and loving children. They do well in school, are kind to others, and have good relationships with their parents.

OP- no one looks at a 4th grade class and picks out whose parents CIO-ed or bottle fed them or got anesthesia during labor. Your daughter will be fine, don't feel bad, and most of all - Ignore the sanctimommies in this thread.

marina

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 3:25 pm

chavs wrote:

Leaving a baby to cry for half an hour is not ok.
Someone said something about it not being like you are torturing the baby but how is leaving a small child to cry for that long not cruel?
I am honestly shocked. Yes, motherhood is hard, yes babies need to sleep but they have absolutely no understanding of what's going on and how come mummy kisses them better when they are sad during the day but are left by themselves to cry au night. I've read so many women who miss their husband when nidda at night or who feel unsafe at night yet babies are expected to not be scared or basically pull up their socks and go to sleep lest they don't have enough sleep.
If you feel as though you are gonna hurt someone do see a therapist but why let it affect your baby. Learn to take care of your own needs appropriately. My baby is 5 months and no he doesn't sleep though the night at all, to try to retain my sanity I make sure I eat 3 nutritious meals a day, have showers, I rest when he rests whether or not I sleep with him or he is managing a nap by himself. I make sure I speak with an adult daily and I go to therapy. I do not however leave him to cry for half an hour, he didn't ask to be born and he needs me. I wouldn't ignore my husband if he cried, I wouldn't ignore a friend, why on the world would I ignore my child?
Responding to your baby's cries help be in tune with them and know what they need and want. It's really important to try to understand what you're baby is telling you and it's important to try to respond to them.
This thread started out with op sounding like she was asking permission to respond to her baby's cues which no mother should feel the need for.
Listen to your baby and take care of yourself and her.

Another obnoxious poster. Just stop. Leaving a baby to cry for 30 minutes is perfectly okay. That's how they learn to calm down. And fYI- leaving a screaming toddler to tantrum in her room for 30 minutes- that's also ok. And it's fine to let a 10 year old cry because she's not getting an iphone. And it's fine to let your husband sulk and grouch for 30 minutes if he's being a big baby.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 5:40 pm

amother wrote:

FF, can you come here and help me w/ my baby? I have very little support and it's very hard.

Honestly, if I you were near me, I would.

I'll tell you my secret for getting through it. I had a mantra that I would repeat over and over, all night long. "I love my baby. I davened for this baby. If the baby were gone I would be sad." I must have said this a million times, when I was exhausted beyond words and at my wit's end.

I guess 20 years of infertility gives me a different perspective on life.

amother

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 6:08 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

15 years of infertility hasn't made me be mean to a mother who is struggling to manage their baby and their other commitments. Sorry, you don't get the moral high ground because you had problems getting pg.

My infertility didn't make it any easier to manage my life once I had a baby, or less stressed or less fractious when I was tired fit to drop and my baby cried all day and night and no one was there to let me sleep all day.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Jan 22 2015, 7:09 pm

Ignore the housework and your husband can make sandwiches and microwave soup from a can. The kid does not have whims. Nobody under a year has whims, he has needs.

These things usually work out, but there is no comparing apples to oranges, or ornery teenagers to babies. Babies only ask for what they really need. There is no baloney with them. That is why everybody likes their company. They are the world's most honest people.

Yes, resources are limited; put them into the baby. Not even into the husband, his true interest is that you raise him fine children, not that you make him comfortable or interestingly fed. If he has sense he will know that you are doing what serves him best, and he will enjoy his sandwich.