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A Rav that can help me do teshuva for something very bad



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frumjewishgirl




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 22 2015, 11:38 pm
Does anyone know a Rav that I can talk to in Israel on the phone who can tell me how to do teshuva for something very emotionally hurtful that I did to someone in the past?
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KollelWife3




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 22 2015, 11:40 pm
Bein adam lachaveiroi has nothing with a rav. You have to ask mechilla from the person you wronged.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 12:32 am
Here is a good article.
http://www.aish.com/h/hh/gar/a......html

In general, first step is to make it up to the person. Apology, see if you can make ammends.

Then comes introspection , etc.
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5mom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 12:41 am
KollelWife3 wrote:
Bein adam lachaveiroi has nothing with a rav. You have to ask mechilla from the person you wronged.


Agree completely. If you are looking for a rav, you are trying to hide behind someone else. Teshuva means confronting your wrongdoing and asking forgiveness from the person you harmed. No one else can do this for you.
I wish you strength.
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frumjewishgirl




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 12:47 am
I asked but it didn't help
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frumjewishgirl




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 12:52 am
The damage is still there the apology made the person feel better but it didn't change anything it doesn't take away the emotional pain. What I did was a caused a couple that was almost engaged to break up purposely to get revenge. After a few months I realized that I made a mistake and I tried to fix what I did and get them back together but the guy was already dating another girl and he married her. And the woman was left single until now and she is so hurt because she thought that he was the one for her and even though I apologized over and over again and she "forgives" me, there is nothing that I can do to take away her pain and 5 years passed already.
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5mom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 12:53 am
I guess I don't understand. The person you wronged does not want to forgive you. That's his/ her problem. What do you want from a rav? Catholic priests may grant absolution. Rabbis don't.
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5mom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 1:00 am
Sorry, I guess I was writing at the same time as you. It looks like you've tried hard to make amends and the woman you harmed says she forgives you. Yes, you did something with long term effects, but perhaps this is for the best. Maybe they would have had a miserable marriage. And even if not, we cannot undo the past. At this point, maybe the best you can do is to look out for her interests. Tell people how wonderful she is and what kind of person she'd like to meet and marry.
I really admire your courage in facing your past. Much luck as you all move into a healthier future.
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imorethanamother




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 1:04 am
Pm me.
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 1:29 am
frumjewishgirl wrote:
The damage is still there the apology made the person feel better but it didn't change anything it doesn't take away the emotional pain. What I did was a caused a couple that was almost engaged to break up purposely to get revenge. After a few months I realized that I made a mistake and I tried to fix what I did and get them back together but the guy was already dating another girl and he married her. And the woman was left single until now and she is so hurt because she thought that he was the one for her and even though I apologized over and over again and she "forgives" me, there is nothing that I can do to take away her pain and 5 years passed already.

Wow.

Perhaps doing something concrete to compensate her woud go a long way toward showing you are sincere about tshuva, and to help her move on.

Unless he wants absolutely nothing to do with you at this point. Which, to be honest, I can understand.

Is she looking for a shidduch (does she shidduch date?)? Perhaps you can anonymously pay for shaddhan services.


Last edited by DrMom on Fri, Jan 23 2015, 1:29 am; edited 1 time in total
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Chavas




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 1:29 am
Network on her behalf.
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oliveoil




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 1:34 am
frumjewishgirl wrote:
The damage is still there the apology made the person feel better but it didn't change anything it doesn't take away the emotional pain. What I did was a caused a couple that was almost engaged to break up purposely to get revenge. After a few months I realized that I made a mistake and I tried to fix what I did and get them back together but the guy was already dating another girl and he married her. And the woman was left single until now and she is so hurt because she thought that he was the one for her and even though I apologized over and over again and she "forgives" me, there is nothing that I can do to take away her pain and 5 years passed already.


You did something bad and yes, now you have to live with it. That's life and the choices we make.

Sorry to be harsh, but there are times where "sorry" doesn't cut it, and this sounds like one of them. It seems like you are looking to absolve yourself of what you did. It's not that easy. Sometimes the consequences of our actions mean living with the knowledge that we did something bad, or even terrible.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 7:28 am
You've already done step one, which is to ask the other person to forgive you. That's actually the "easy" part.

Step two is to forgive yourself. That's the hard part.

Step three is to ask G-d to forgive you. He can't do that until you do Step two.

Step four is to repair the damage caused to the world, but doing an act of chessed. If you can't make a match for her, try to make a match for someone else.

If you can afford it, donate a generous amount to a bridal gemach, so that other couples can have a happy day and a good start on their new life.
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spinkles




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 7:40 am
You have to develop the opposite side of you. You sought revenge in the past and saw the damage you did, and you don't want to ever do that again. So you have to work on yourself hard, learning mussar seforim, going to shiurim, doing cheshbon hanefesh, to develop the opposite trait. I don't know what the opposite trait would be. Would it be ahavas Yisroel? Would it be emunah/bitachon? I don't know because I don't know what motivated you to take revenge in the first place. But you can get in touch with those feelings and figure out what motivation was really driving you, deep down, and then you can get to work building yourself into the absolute opposite of that.

And like other people said, you should be devoting time each week to phone calls/emails to help this girl find her zivug.
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notshanarishona




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 7:45 am
Can you do something to help this person out? Maybe financially ? Maybe socially?
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spinkles




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 7:47 am
Quote:
Step two is to forgive yourself. That's the hard part.

Step three is to ask G-d to forgive you. He can't do that until you do Step two.

Hashem does forgive us whether or not we've forgiven ourselves. We can't fathom the depth of His love for us and he understands all of our complexities and challenges in a way we can't. What are we? Precious beloved children who Hashem is always waiting for with open arms. If you genuinely ask mechila from the person you harmed, and you genuinely feel remorse, then Hashem forgives you. It's not contingent upon whether you forgive yourself.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 8:18 am
the question I have for you to ask yourself [not tell us] - is how did you cause the break-up ? is that information still lingering in the air ? were there lies that can have an adverse effect on other shidduchim ... because if so, it's not so simple

do not to go to a rav - how can he help ... do 50 hail maryams & then what ?!

I agree the best reparation for the 2 of you is to work on helping her find a shidduch in earnest [if she even allows you to]
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Learning




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 8:40 am
You should try to compensate her as much as you can. Finding a shidduch and everything else that you can. What you did was bad but our believe is that ultimately whatever happens to her is for the best and nobody can change the fate for anybody else it is all from HaShem
You should do your teshuva but know that you don't run the world. Hashem decided what would happen. The problem is that you chose to be the tool from Hashem for something tragic. On that you have to do teshuva all your life.
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 11:24 am
oliveoil wrote:
You did something bad and yes, now you have to live with it. That's life and the choices we make.

Sorry to be harsh, but there are times where "sorry" doesn't cut it, and this sounds like one of them. It seems like you are looking to absolve yourself of what you did. It's not that easy. Sometimes the consequences of our actions mean living with the knowledge that we did something bad, or even terrible.


I appreciate where you're coming from, and I'm sure you thought very carefully before posting this.
But while what you said is true, there is still the opportunity - and need, I sense in this case - for teshuva.
The reason I say need is that OP clearly isn't sure if there's more she can do. A talk to a knowledgeable rav/rebbetzin/mentor would definitely be useful. First, to be clear that she's asked mechila appropriately and often enough. Then, to suggest and help her incorporate some excellent ideas on this thread, such as working on her character and seeing if there's anything she can or should do behind the scenes for this woman.
Getting clarity from a rav isn't like hail marys, it's finding out if she's completely fulfilled her halachic obligation, and what her attitude should be. Yes, we have to live with the repercussions of bad decisions but we don't have to wallow in 24/7 self-accusation.
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Ima2NYM_LTR




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 11:49 am
Im sure we all know this story:
Quote:
A man went about gossiping and telling malicious stories without restraint. Later, when he realized how much his tales had hurt people, and began to feel remorse. He went to the Rabbi seeking repentance, saying he would do anything he could to make amends. The Rabbi told the man, “Take a feather pillow, cut it open, and scatter the feathers into the wind.” The man thought this was a bizarre request, but it was simple enough, and so he did it. When he returned to inform the rabbi that the task was done, the Rabbi said, “Now, go and collect all the feathers and return them to the pillow.” Again, the man went to do as the rabbi had asked, but found that the feathers had blown far and wide, and he was unable to retrieve even a handful. He returned to the rabbi, ashamed to admit he was not able to gather the feathers, certain that he should never have released the feathers in the first place. Knowingly, the rabbi rebuked him, saying, “Your words are like the feathers: once they leave your mouth, you know not where they will go, and you can never retrieve them back again. It is always wiser to guard your tongue and keep your words to yourself.”


It is a good thing that you realized you did wrong, and are remorseful, and have apologized. Your friend has said she forgives you, but it doesn't erase the hurt. Her hurt is like the feathers. Once the deed is done, you can't take back the consequences.

Accept her pain as your doing, and accept she has the right to feel it for as long as she wants. If you both want your friendship to continue, then build new, positive interactions. It won't erase the past, but that is the way to show her you have learned from the past. If your friendship has ended or become strained because of this, follow her lead in the future. Leave the door open to reconnecting, but don't force it. She was the aggrieved party, so the ball is in her court.
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