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Help me with my four year old!



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amother


 

Post Fri, Jan 23 2015, 1:09 pm
I have a four year old whose Morah says she is super smart & knows everything, but at home she acts like she knows nothing. Even the most basic information. ( she does it less w Dh than w me.) I can even remind her what it is ( ex a color, shape etc) but if I ask her again a few minutes later she will not know and look blank - as though she has no clue what I'm saying.
Also, I can ask her to pick up a tissue from the floor, near the door. She will walk to the table and stare blankly looking for the tissue.
Any ideas why she does it and how to handle it?
I used to be convinced she just was not smart, or had some learning issues, but her teacher last yr & this year say she's totally opposite in school.
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gp2.0




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 24 2015, 7:33 pm
I have some suspicions, but first can you clarify "I used to be convinced that she's just not smart." That is a terrible thing to label a child with, especially as you imply you thought this way when she was even younger than 4 or 3. You thought she was not smart when she was 2 years old? Please explain.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Jan 24 2015, 9:24 pm
Please let's not pick on semantics. I thought she had some learning issues because of what I discussed, but her teachers feel otherwise. Who is using labels here? Not everyone is or needs to be brilliant...
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miami85




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 24 2015, 9:38 pm
Kids--especially preschoolers-- are often different at home than at school. While I don't know your exact situation, a) it could be a way of getting attention from you and your husband--why I dont know. b) Kids very often will ask "rhetorical" questions as a prompt to get you to quiz them b/c they want to show off their knowledge, they are not asking for the info from you, I.e. "What color is this?" "What letter is this?" " What shape is this?" I call it "projectile speech". Sometimes instead of asking the question back to the child I will rephrase this question such as "You know what it is" or "Do you know what it is?" or answer in a silly way calling a square a triangle, or orange purple, or a 't' a 'w'. And then the child will respond with the correct answer. There is a concept in learning/ psychology that we remember things better when in the same place that we learned them, which may be playing a factor here (I.e. she learns in school therefore her recall is better in school).

Also keep in mind, that teachers can see a child and actively compare it to the rest of the class. That said, I was once working as a SEIT with a 3 year-old and thought she really didn't need as much as she was receiving, and the parents complained "but she doesn't know her alef-bais" and I was like "she's 3, no one in the class knows the alef-bais". They ended up requesting a different SEIT.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Jan 24 2015, 9:43 pm
she doesn't ask me what something is. What I meant is, for ex we will look at shapes in a book or a toy and a few times I'll point out a triangle. But when I say what's this ? She might say triangle, or square. Or sometimes she will first say triangle, but the next round will say ummmm I don't know. Did u ever encounter that?
Also, what about if I say please pick up xyz from the floor but she looks for it on the table.
She def looooves attention; she's a bit of a prima Donna and a real actress. So maybe this is for attention. But how do I know If it's for attention or she really doesn't know?
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granolamom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 24 2015, 9:46 pm
I've had times where I thought one or more of my kids was 'just not that smart'. its ok, not everyone is (I know, a good jewish mother is supposed to only have gifted kids...) and we can value them for the things they are and not pretend that their limitations dont exist.
and I've had experiences where teachers sometimes dont notice limitations or dont care and its easier to tell a parent that the kid is great and wonderful in every way rather than get into a 'how to help' mode. but the fact that its two teachers and your dh, makes me thing she might be smarter than she's letting on.
maybe its in the way you ask the questions? maybe she does better with indirect questions? maybe the teachers or dh ask more clearly than you do? maybe a million things.

have you ruled out things like hearing/vision impairments? if you suspected that she had possible learning issues, have you had her evaluated? is it possible she's just playing with you?

one of mine didnt say a word for far too long and he'd stare blankly at me too. but then it turned out that he's just a quiet thinker and he's plenty smart. but I didnt know that until he was about 3 or 4.
and teachers told me my dd didnt know her colors, but I knew she did. when I said give me the green, she could. when they asked what color is this? she didnt answer. a processing thing maybe, I dont know. another time a teacher was concerned that my ds didnt know his colors (p1A) and it turned out he was just colorblind and was mixing up red/green and purple/blue.
and then I had a teacher insist my ds needed to repeat a grade though I knew he was smart, turns out he really does test in the gifted ranges on IQ testing (for what that's worth).

your child is only 4, far too young to know what her academic strengths are. but if you have concerns, check it out. that's your job, and you'll sleep better too.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 24 2015, 9:49 pm
Yes to all of the above.

You may not be speaking as clearly as her teacher and her father do.

I would let the whole thing entirely alone.
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granolamom




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 24 2015, 9:55 pm
amother wrote:
she doesn't ask me what something is. What I meant is, for ex we will look at shapes in a book or a toy and a few times I'll point out a triangle. But when I say what's this ? She might say triangle, or square. Or sometimes she will first say triangle, but the next round will say ummmm I don't know. Did u ever encounter that?
Also, what about if I say please pick up xyz from the floor but she looks for it on the table.
She def looooves attention; she's a bit of a prima Donna and a real actress. So maybe this is for attention. But how do I know If it's for attention or she really doesn't know?



if you suspect it might be a language thing (she cant recall the name of the shape or mixes up the words table/floor) have her evaluated by a speech and language pathologist. that might help sort things out. if you're in NY, the eval is free through the BOE.

if you suspect its an educational thing (she doesnt know the difference between simple shapes or the difference between floor/table) then ask that they do an ed eval as well, although I think that they always do that alongside the other services. not sure.

if you suspect its a behavioral thing (btdt), I say buckle up, you're in for a ride, lol. one of mine sat mute during her entire speech eval, said not a word. on the way out she launched into a monologue about the futility in such testing (she was 4) and the speech therapist was....speechless.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Jan 24 2015, 10:13 pm
Thanks granola mom! This Shabbos she actually seemed to not hear a few times, so we will check that out. The other stuff I don't know. We're not in NY so Prob no free testing. Will keep an eye on it for now I guess and see what happens.
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amother


 

Post Sat, Jan 24 2015, 10:24 pm
Btw granola mom too funny about that speech eval! Smile
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gp2.0




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 24 2015, 10:26 pm
amother wrote:
Please let's not pick on semantics. I thought she had some learning issues because of what I discussed, but her teachers feel otherwise. Who is using labels here? Not everyone is or needs to be brilliant...


No, not everyone is brilliant, but it is rare to notice at 2 years old that a child is not smart, it is far more likely that your expectations were too high. Putting that aside though:

a) she could be dreamy and absentminded, and literally forget what you tell her or be busy thinking something
b) children IME do not like to be pressed to perform, when they are quizzed they clam up or deliberately answer something silly
c) it's possible she's seeking extra attention from you
d) it takes some children up to age 5 to recognize and name shapes
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amother


 

Post Sat, Jan 24 2015, 10:34 pm
amother wrote:
Thanks granola mom! This Shabbos she actually seemed to not hear a few times, so we will check that out. The other stuff I don't know. We're not in NY so Prob no free testing. Will keep an eye on it for now I guess and see what happens.


One of my sons is smart. Picks up everything in school. Speech was excellent. He didn't always hear us. And complained that he didn't hear us. When I took him for a hearing eval they were confused about why we were even there based on his behavior, speech, learning, etc.
He couldn't hear. He had severe hearing loss in both ears. b'h tubes helped somewhat.
Its a good place to start even for a kid who is doing great otherwise.
Insurance should cover a hearing test, it should just require a copay, you can get a referral from your pediatrician.
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causemommysaid




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 25 2015, 1:17 am
I say its behavioral. My 4 year old is very smart and does this sometimes too. I would try using little motivational things like treats, star charts, little prizes.
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miami85




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 25 2015, 7:00 am
Its actually funny that you mention this specific thing of not seeing "s/t right under her nose" b/c besides having been a preschool sp ed teacher, I currently have a 4 yr old and he does the same thing sometimes., but I don't think it's the same as your case b/c he actually does have language issues. In school there are a whole bunch of motivators so that might make her more into it than at home. If you say that she's a "prima donna" I wouldn' be too worried.

I would also check her ability to follow directions--maybe in a game format, such as playing "I spy" or "hot/cold"-can you find a red item?? or it's under something blue? It's round like a circle.
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