Would you be offended...

amother

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 2:35 am

... if you had an ADHD or a defiant child and he wouldn't be invited to a bday party because of it?

I am planning to take my son and his friends on an outing for his birthday. I have a close friend, and we often have our kids play together, but I seriously cannot handle this child. he won't listen to me and I don't want to be responsible for his safety.
She sometimes has to physically restrict him and I won't be able to do it because I will be noticeably pregnant at the moment.

What do you think?

mo5

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 2:44 am

Why not ask your friend if she would be willing to come along and supervise him? She surely knows what his behaviour is like and you can say 'I don't feel comfortable and able to look after him and the other boys at the same time, would you mind coming along for sending another adult'

the world's best mom

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 7:08 am

Yes, I would be insulted. But if I was asked to come with him to the party, I would be happy to come deal with my child.

MiracleMama

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 7:13 am

Yes. But more importantly, this little boy may be crushed. Ask his mother to come along.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 10:02 am

Have a calm talk with the mother that you do not want her child to be in danger.

He would be in danger if he wanted to do something dangerous (and there are a million such possibilities, he's only seven) and you could not stop or restrain him. He won't listen, and you are too weak being pregnant to restrain him.

It is a safety issue.

I am not being diplomatic. I absolutely mean that literally. It is not safe for HIM to have him there.

Stick to that no matter who says what. You CANNOT have an injured or worse child on your conscience or your life. YOU MIGHT if he comes. Do NOT back down. No matter how it may feel or what she may feel or say.

MrsMarmite

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 10:30 am

Wow, that's a really tricky situation. I was also going to suggest asking the mother to come but you said she cant. I would be careful how I word it to the mother b/c she could end up feeling attacked about something that is obviously not her fault and that is already causing her pain. How about something like 'I really want your son to come to the party with the rest of their friends but I'm concerned about how I'll be dividing my attention and I'm concerned I wont have what he needs... what do you suggest?' maybe an older sibling, aunt, uncle, friend or something else could come along. what do they do in school, is there a shadow/aide?

Mamushka

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 11:55 am

How about talking to your friend and asking her for suggestions on how to solve the situation, since she sure doesn't want her child to be in danger either.

amother

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 2:54 pm

OP here

I guess I should have clarified. I don't know what diagnosis the child has, but he does have one. He is just very difficult and often unpleasant to be with due to his character. He is not my son's close friend, they just end up playing because I meet with this friend.

I have a limited number of spots for adults and kids, so I have to choose a boy that I can handle Confused

happy to be me

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 3:01 pm

If he's in his class or a neighbor and other neighbors /classmates are invited then it will be hurtful. Doesn't mean you need to invite him, but it's something to take into account.

mirror

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 3:01 pm

amother wrote:

OP here
Thank you for your replies.
Mother coming along is not an option.

That is a tricky situation.

I have a friend who hosted a birthday party for her five-year-old son and one boy ruined it for everyone.

By the way, this boy who ruined it was found to be normal by the psychological evaluations. He was just a child who was never told the word "no" by his parents.

Dolly Welsh

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 3:04 pm

If his mother can be there the whole time, then he can. If he knows all the others yes, invite him, as Happy To Be Me says.

But if the mother can't come, it is not a safe situation.

amother

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 3:11 pm

happy to be me wrote:

If he's in his class or a neighbor and other neighbors /classmates are invited then it will be hurtful. Doesn't mean you need to invite him, but it's something to take into account.

Not everyone will be invited. I can't stretch my budget like that.

It's not a question of if he is coming or not.
I just want to know how the mothers are feeling about it. If they would understand.

happy to be me

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 3:16 pm

amother wrote:

Not everyone will be invited. I can't stretch my budget like that.

It's not a question of if he is coming or not.
I just want to know how the mothers are feeling about it. If they would understand.

Oh, I misunderstood. Think I got it now. You're not inviting him. You are just trying to figure out if the mother will understand.

I think if you tell her in advance in a sensitive manner she would appreciate it more than if she or her son finds out post party...

mha3484

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 3:36 pm

I have a 4 year old who is a handful. If there was not adequate supervision available (myself or another adult) I'm not sure I would want him to go. I am super realistic and honest that he can be challenging sometimes. Why put that on someone else?

If she knows her kid and is really honest with herself that hes not easy to deal with, she might not be as offended as you predict. It really all depends.

happy to be me

Wed, Jan 28 2015, 3:38 pm

Frenchfry wrote:

Does she really have to find out?

Kids talk. So if they're in the same class or neighborhood friends then the boy is bound to find out that there was a party.