DD seems to hate me

amother

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 9:53 am

My DD is 2 years 9 months.

She has always been a bad sleeper, getting up on average 2 times per night. A year ago, I had a bad back for a few days and my DH got up with her for a couple of nights. After rthat, she ONLY wanted him at night and would cry hysterically if I went instead. At this time, we were taking turns to put her to bed at night. In April, my mom came to stay for a week and it happened that for 4 nights in a row, it was my DH who put DD to bed. After this, she would not go with me again, crying and running to him.

She has always liked running to DH as soon as he got in from work, but now it seems something more.

I tell her I love her and ask her if she loves me, and she says "No, just daddy."

She is home with me all day and I try to do as much as possible with her. Involve her in what I'm doing (cleaning etc) and play with her, read to her and do crafts with her.

I have a 4 month old baby as well, and the only jealousy she has shown is when my DH holds the baby, she doesn't care if I hold him. If I say to my DH "You'll have to hold the baby for a bit while I make dinner", DD will stop whatever she is doing and run into DH's arms to try and prevent him from holding the baby instead of her.

When DD wakes up in the morning, she comes into our room and is upset that DH isn't there.

On a couple of occasions, DH has not been here to put her to bed, and she has been totally fine with me! Didn't even ask where he was. It is only when we are both here that she only wants him.

Has anyone ever been in this situation? What happened? I am so upset Sad

Scrabble123

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 9:59 am

Hello!!!!! Please don't be upset! Your child is a toddler and what you're writing here is ridiculous. I understand why you'd like your daughter to "run to you," but a toddler running to a parent like the father who is more "interesting" to a child is totally normal. You said yourself that you spend more time with her, and so its natural for her to find her father as something more exciting and unique and want to be near to him when he's home. Since you said that you usually put her to bed, it only makes sense that when her father is home that she wants him. Also, in some families the parent who spends less time with a child may be perceived as more loving and warm because she/he will spend whatever time he/she has just loving the kid rather than trying to get her to clean up, get dressed, be responsible and mannered. She is probably enchanted by her father which is totally normal and healthy. I just want to warn you that if your attitude is apparent at all it has the potential to really emotionally harm your daughter and entire family. Just love your daughter and offer her stability, security, and warmth. If you feel that you cannot do that in a healthy way, you owe it to your children to find out how to and to develop that.

amother

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 12:05 pm

Scrabble123 wrote:

Hello!!!!! Please don't be upset! Your child is a toddler and what you're writing here is ridiculous.

Thanks

Scrabble123 wrote:

I understand why you'd like your daughter to "run to you," but a toddler running to a parent like the father who is more "interesting" to a child is totally normal. You said yourself that you spend more time with her, and so its natural for her to find her father as something more exciting and unique and want to be near to him when he's home. Since you said that you usually put her to bed, it only makes sense that when her father is home that she wants him. .

I don't want her to run to me, I want her to stop acting as if I am going to hurt her if I sit next to her. My DH even asked me if I hit her when he saw how she behaves. I get that running to Daddy when he arrives home is normal. I am not upset about that but this seems something more. I did not say I usually put her to bed. For the last year, he has done it every night because if I try to she cries uncontrollably and runs to him as if I'm going to mistreat her.

Scrabble123 wrote:

Also, in some families the parent who spends less time with a child may be perceived as more loving and warm because she/he will spend whatever time he/she has just loving the kid rather than trying to get her to clean up, get dressed, be responsible and mannered. She is probably enchanted by her father which is totally normal and healthy.

in the beginning, I thought that was it. It's always me who changes her diapers, brushes her teeth and all that boring stuff, but DH isn't even always that attentive to her. SOmetimes he get frustrated and raises his voice to her when she bothers him when he is trying to read the newspaper or something. Often, he just sits at his computer while she plays alone.

Scrabble123 wrote:

I just want to warn you that if your attitude is apparent at all it has the potential to really emotionally harm your daughter and entire family. Just love your daughter and offer her stability, security, and warmth. If you feel that you cannot do that in a healthy way, you owe it to your children to find out how to and to develop that.

What YOU are writing here is ridiculous! What attitude? I am behaving as loving towards her as I always have done.

Scrabble123

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 12:10 pm

I'm not sure why you feel your child is "running you." If you want to do something and she wants daddy and daddy is not an option, then you explain to her, "right now daddy is busy, and mommy has to do this." Just be firm. It's not abusive to say no to a child; in fact it's probably worse to never say no. If you sit down and she jumps you can just say something like, "Mommy needs to sit here, and mommy loves you very much. You are safe with mommy and daddy" and leave it at that. I never said that you have an attitude, I said that if what you are feeling here becomes apparent (and note the word if) it has a lot of potential to cause harm. If this problem persists for a long time in general, I would suggest discussing it with someone with a deep understanding of child rearing. When I was heavily involved with my friend's children, it was totally normal for us to discuss certain behaviors with experts to learn how to address it the proper the way. Doing so is not a negative reflection of yourself.

amother

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 12:32 pm

Firstly, I'm just trying to find out if anyone else has been through something similar, and how the situation resolved.

I don't feel she is "running me" but I also think it is important to pick your battles. Of course she sometimes has to do X when she wants to fo Y, but she it's not that she prefers Daddy, she seems afraid of me.

Obviously she is my first child and I do not know to what extent this is normal. To me, it does not seem normal.

Miri7

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 12:59 pm

Don't fret for a minute! Two of my kids went through this phase at around 2 or 3. It lasted for a while. This is a very normal phase. It will end!

Just be loving and sweet as usual. Shower her with love and ignore her "rejection".

When she's going off to be put to bed by DH you can give her a kis or (blow a kiss if she refuses a real one ) and say "I just want to kiss you goodnight!" Make sure to be your normal self with her and don't feel rejected since she could pick up on those feelings from you. Also don't ask her if she loves you - of course she does! But be sure to tell you that you love her SO much!

And enjoy being able to skip the night waking as long as this phase lasts because it won't last forever!

Dolly Welsh

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 1:07 pm

Oh, sorry.

She may be a little afraid of you because you are feeling some annoyance. It is only human to let a little of that show. You are not a trained ninja who never shows a flicker of feeling you don't want to show.

This may have built on itself; she shrank, preferred her father, that annoyed you, understandably, which made her a little scared of such a powerful figure as her mother being annoyed, which made her shrink, which annoyed you. Round and round.

I honor your being concerned instead of "whew, let her father take her, I have the youngest to deal with". You really want it to go well with both children.

I think Dr Imamother may not be enough; I second the notion of talking to a real professional. That does NOT mean you are crazy or inadequate, it means you want the best not just basic enough. You have high standards.

I have no links but others may.

spikta

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 1:16 pm

I so feel for you.
It sounds like I don't have it as bad as you, but we definitely have some heavy Abba preferring around here. I went to take her out of bed Friday morning, and when she saw me she started crying (what kid cries when they're being *taken out* of the crib??) , she only wanted DH. It can be really insulting.

And it's only when he's around. When I'm 'on her' and DH is around, I prefer to go to the park or someone's house with her so I don't have to deal with the abba abbas, and we have a fine time. I love bath and bedtime with her. But nowadays it's easier when DH works late.

I keep telling myself it's a phase and that it's not about me. That not getting insulted (or trying...) and dealing as best I can is something that I'm doing for her because I love her, like changing poopy diapers.

Something Dolly said here once really made an impression on me - Try to love like a faucet. The faucet doesn't ask if the water is being used, if hands are being washed underneath, it just gives water because that's it's job. My job as an Ima is to love my child. I can require that she behave respectfully, since it's also my job to teach her how to act and make our family a pleasant one, but I can't make her act lovingly all the time. Until this passes, I try to reduce friction, and when I can't, I try to be the faucet...

*Hugs*

chatouli

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 1:25 pm

My DS is like this but he prefers me. It's gotten a lot better lately, but it's still there. It's hard for my DH but but he just tries not to take it personally. The worst was one night when DS was crying and I was too tired to get up, so DH went to him and he screamed "no! I don't want you! I want MOMMY!" (He was about your DD's age at the time.)

We just try to give him time with DH that's just the two of them and is really fun.

It will pass. I know it's annoying to deal with but it's part of toddlerhood for a lot if kids. Just one more way to assert their independence and preferences, preferably in the most hurtful way possible Wink

suzyq

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 1:47 pm

chatouli wrote:

I echo this post - we are in a similar situation where my DS wants me all the time, rather than my DH, even to the point of screaming at times when my DH comes near him.

It is normal, and kids do get over it. Just bear with it and show him love as much as you can. My only suggestion would be to try to be a lot of fun with him, have games that are between you and him and find ways you can connect with him that your DH can't. Good luck!

bandcm

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 4:13 pm

Just adding my voice to the chorus - my daughter, age 2.5, also prefers my husband. If I say, "Can I give you a kiss?"she says "NO! Only Tatty". "Who loves you?" ""Tatty". Änd Mammy?""No!"
I have never thought for a second of getting insulted! She is so adorable and I love her to pieces. Often, she even prefers her older siblings to me. I laugh about it with my husband, and guess who always ends up changing the diapers and giving the baths when we are both home? The favoured one, of course!

amother

Mon, Feb 02 2015, 4:34 pm

energy booster wrote:

This is hysterical!!!! Saw the title in the toddler section I started laughing.

If her behavior affects u to the extent that u can think that ur baby hates u, then she is a smart cookie!!

I did not say I think she hates me, I wrote it seems as if she hates me, in other words, she is behaving as if she hates me. There is a big difference.

Wow, there is so much meanness on this forum lately.

You sound like quite a pathetic person that this is the sort of thing that you find hysterical. I believe I am handling this is the best possible way, not fighting it or forcing the issue, not showing that her behaviour bothers me, staying calm and loving towards her, but like I wrote in a previous post, I came here to ask if anyone else had been through anything similar.

I do not show it in "real life," but I am opening up here and admitting that her behaviour can be upsetting, but what loving mother would really not care about behaviour like this, and what kind of person would find hilarity in another mother's struggles?

My other reason for posting was to determine if this behaviour warrants further investigation. My DD does plenty of other annoying toddler things like throwing a tantrum if I give her a yellow cup when she wanted a blue one or taking out more books when asked to put away the ones already out, but I know these things are normal. It is interesting that some of you find this question funny while others have suggested I have her evaluated.