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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Manners & Etiquette
amother
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 Thu, Feb 05 2015, 8:40 am
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A geyores friend of me and my husband lost a parent this week. While I've paid many a shiva call--there is no shiva in this situation. She doesn't live locally, so we need to call her. I know her because of my husband, but my husband isn't "friends" with her, just was involved in a group that she was part of. I was more friends with her. Trying to figure out when to call and whether DH should make the call with me (speaker phone?) or not--don't think he should make a separate call. DH isn't a big phone person and this call is by default awkward so not crazy about it.
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PinkFridge
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Thu, Feb 05 2015, 8:47 am
Not sure what you're looking for but tizku l'mitzvos. She'll appreciate the call and opportunity to talk about her parent.
Years ago I heard a shiur from a chashuv rav (pm me) about this topic and I don't remember it well but he said - in a way that didn't diminish anyone - that if shiva's not mandated (this case, very young babies) for whatever reason the neshama doesn't need it. That doesn't mean that the family doesn't need to grieve and mourn in some way.
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lfab
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Thu, Feb 05 2015, 9:04 am
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I think it can be just you calling and wishing her condolences on behalf of both you and DH. Just let her know that were sorry to hear about her loss and that you are there for her if she needs/wants to talk. I'm sure she will very much appreciate your calling. Even-though her parent was not jewish so there is no shiva it was still her mother/father and she will be grieving just the same.
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5mom
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Thu, Feb 05 2015, 10:32 am
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Even better, write her an old fashioned condolence note. You'll avoid the awkwardness of a phone call, and she'll be able to read it at her convenience. I've found that people are touched when someone takes out the time to write a paper-and-ink letter. Although it sounds like you're already a very considerate person.
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