Should you spank your child?

blueberries

Sun, Feb 08 2015, 8:55 pm

Whether you remember that painful and embarrassing smack on the bottom or have blocked it out, chances are, you were spanked when you were a kid. Nearly 90 percent of Americans say they were spanked by their parents, the same as in 1995, according to a 2013 Harris Interactive poll of 2,286 adults.

The majority of Americans (81%) believe that spanking is sometimes appropriate, compared to nearly 20 percent who say it’s never okay to spank a child, according to the poll. This week, the Pope even weighed in on spanking, saying that one trait of a good father is the ability to forgive but also to “correct with firmness.” He elaborated that not striking a child on his or her face will preserve their dignity.

Is spanking a successful form of punishment? Or are we sending a confusing message to kids that it’s wrong to hit another person — unless mom or dad does it?

The Research

Multiple studies show that kids who are spanked frequently at age three and older are more likely to act aggressively than kids who aren’t spanked. And an October 2013 study says that children who were spanked at ages three and five had vocabulary problems at age nine. “We found that there were impacts not just on the behavioral development that folks normally look at, but also on markers of cognitive development, like the verbal capacity of the child,” Michael Mackenzie, co-author of the study and an associate professor at the Columbia University School of Social Work, tells HealthDay. “These effects are long-lasting. They aren’t just short-term problems that wash out over time.”

A 2009 study even found that “harsh” corporal punishment (defined as at least one spanking per month for more than three years), sometimes with an object such as a belt or hairbrush, alters the structure of the brain. Children who were spanked regularly—a chronic, developmental stressor that’s associated with depression, aggression and addiction—had less gray matter in certain areas of the prefrontal cortex.

What the Experts Say

"Research shows that spanking corrects misbehavior,” Murray Straus, professor emeritus of sociology at the University of New Hampshire, tells ScienceDaily. “But it also shows that spanking does not work better than other modes of correction, such as time out, explaining, and depriving a child of privileges. Moreover, the research clearly shows that the gains from spanking come at a big cost. These include weakening the tie between children and parents and increasing the probability that the child will hit other children and their parents, and as adults, hit a dating or marital partner. Spanking also slows down mental development and lowers the probability of a child doing well in school.”

Stacy Drury, M.D., Ph.D., associate professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Tulane University, agrees. “The goal of discipline, which actually comes from the Latin root meaning ‘to teach,’ is to change behavior,” Drury says in an interview with the New Republic. “And physical discipline across many, many, many studies is ineffective at changing behavior and it’s ineffective for many reasons … corporal punishment actually teaches children is that aggression is an acceptable method of problem solving.”

She adds: “When corporal punishment is utilized, it creates an emotional state of fear in the child. Physical pain leads children to fear things and when we are afraid, we don’t learn well. We don’t respond well. And if we’re learning anything, we learn to respond to that behavior with fear. And the third thing that corporal punishment actually teaches children is that aggression is an acceptable method of problem solving.”

Spanking is also not advised by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP). From its website Healthy Children: “Spanking is never recommended; infants may be physically harmed by a parent who strikes the child. If a spanking is spontaneous, parents should later explain calmly why they did it, the specific behavior that provoked it, and how angry they felt. They also might apologize to their child for their loss of control. This usually helps the youngster to understand and accept the spanking, and it models for the child how to remediate a wrong.”

Yet there is one form of spanking that, according to Robert Larzelere, professor of research methodology and statistics at Oklahoma State University, tells the Los Angeles Times, may be somewhat effective. “In reviewing all the literature that compares various kinds of punishment, there’s one that leads to better outcomes, reduced defiance and reduced aggression in children, and that’s what I call backup spanking,” he says. “In disciplining children, parents should do everything as kindly and gently as they can first. They should try to understand a child, make sure the child understands what is expected of them, use reasoning and find an adequate nonphysical consequence, like a ‘timeout’ or taking away privileges. But if the child won’t cooperate, some kids—at least some of the time—need something more forceful to back it up.”

What the Parents Say

“Spanking is okay if used sparingly. Unfortunately, sometimes it takes something completely out of left field to make your kids realize they need to take you seriously. I wish talking to them did the job.” —Melissa G.

“I’ve never spanked my kids, but there are times I regret it. I think we’ve raised a generation of children who know they aren’t ever going to get spanked, and that’s just one more way their misdeeds won’t have tangible repercussions. I remember being spanked twice—neither really hurt. Both were embarrassing. They made me realize I had rules I couldn’t break. Now, where is that line for kids?” —Shawn P.

“I’ve definitely had the thought, ‘I wish I believed in spanking right now. I just want this behavior to stop.’ But my mom hit me once, and I still remember the devastation in that moment more than I remember what I did wrong. Whatever lesson was supposed to be learned, wasn’t. All it engendered in me was mistrust.” —Amy K.

The Bottom Line

A single smack on the tush, followed quickly by an explanation of why your child was spanked, likely won’t mar your kid for life. But regular spankings as a go-to form of punishment are not recommended and can have negative emotional and physical consequences for your child.

https://www.yahoo.com/parentin......html

blueberries

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 10:16 am

What do you think of this article? Do you spank your children? Do you believe in spanking? In our household we occasionally spank in dangerous situations. I personally try not to spank out of anger.

chani8

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 11:42 am

Great article! I did spank my first two, but I always felt so mean and ugly doing it. I just didn't have any other parenting tools. One day I found myself standing over my 3 year old, feeling like a scary monster. I was just horrified at myself. Right then and there I decided to stop cold turkey. I made a chart of "no hitting" and I explained to my kids that this included mommy and daddy not spanking anymore, too.

That was the end of spanking, and somehow I figured out that if I stayed really organized and directed my kids like a teacher in a classroom, I could keep the tone positive and wouldn't need to punish much at all.

My shitta became that you should direct a child to do the behavior you want, rather than waste too much energy on punishing what they're doing wrong.

For example, with a child being violent, I may physically direct him, or take him, to a calm area and give him something to do that distracts him from his anger. With a child who is ignoring me, I may physically help him follow the directive, by picking up the toys with him, with his hand in mine. And example with an older child is bed time. Instead of yelling, threatening, punishing, I simply state the directive, "Bedtime, go to bed!" and if he doesn't follow through in a reasonable amount of time, I take him by the hand and (cheerfully) lead him to bed.

To put it bluntly, my shitta is to get off your duff and actively parent, not punish.

amother

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 12:15 pm

I was spanked and it seriously messed me up emotionally and s-xually. I will never spank my children because of what it did to me. Sometimes I want to, thinking that they would just stop misbehaving if I spanked them right then, but then I hold myself back. I know spanking doesn't mess everyone up the way it did me, maybe I am just really impressionite or too sensitive or something, but since it happened to me I could never risk messing my children up like this.

I read some books that helped me with my parenting and doing it in a gentle way, with no yelling and spanking. Sometimes I get off track when I am tired and cranky but all in all I am the mom I want to be when I put the things I read into practice.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 12:43 pm

I am against spanking in any shape, size, or form, for any reason - I heard Rabbi Salamon of Lakewood say that it is an insult to a child's Tzelem Elokim to do so and it is assur. He also says that any hitting past the age of 3 or so is counter-effective - instead of feeling contrite, the child is really thinking that if (s)he were bigger than you you would be the one getting the "potch". No lesson learned, whatsoever.

OTOH I do see a difference between a mild slap - make that more like a pat - on the wrist, and spanking. The former can be effective in some situations and I don't believe it is traumatizing. The latter is shaming and abusive and has no benefits whatsoever.

amother

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 1:50 pm

amother wrote:

Yes, spanking your child is ok if it's done in an appropriate manner.

It's interesting that people think beating a child can be done in an appropriate manner. When I was being beaten as a child I never thought it was appropriate, and I still don't think it was or is. It's also interesting that people think spanking isn't beating.

Miri7

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 1:51 pm

No, you should not hit your child. Calling it "spanking" doesn't make it ok.

amother

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 2:13 pm

amother wrote:

Spanking is not beating. End of story. If you want to call it that, go ahead. I'm sorry you had a bad experience, but I knwo individuals who can administer an appropriate spanking and not a beating. I wouldn't spank because I would probably end up hitting too hard, but that doesn't mean that no one can do it appropriately.

amother

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 2:18 pm

I think hitting kids in any way sends them the message that whoever is physically stronger has power. I found talking and being consistent with consequences to be a lot more effective.

amother

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 2:37 pm

amother wrote:

If you want to spank your kid after hearing this that is your choice. May God protect your children from this pain.

yes.

sequoia

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 3:29 pm

We should have a spanking emoticon.

bayis

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 8:43 pm

I think there is a way to potch without the pain ,instead of pain making the child feel they are being censored and disciplined will give them a feeling of remorse and incentive to correct the behavior.
Such as a simple potch on the hand ,not hard, but done with much ceremony and a stern visage can do the trick.
Other than that giddul bonim's no easy maze.

the world's best mom

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 8:46 pm

sequoia wrote:

We should have a spanking emoticon.

This is it, I guess. Banging head

justforfun87

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 8:51 pm

Maybe I am not experienced enough as a parent or haven't been ticked off enough yet but I have seen no reason to ever spank my three year old. For those who have spanked, at what age would you say you started?

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 9:51 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

When my DD went thru a stage of purposely running across the street - at about age 3 - she got a pat on the wrist and a very stern no-no. It was the language she understood.

On some level, I felt that I deserved the same "potch" she got - for not holding on tighter. But for her own safety, I felt that her cooperation and understanding of danger was necessary.

Glad your child isn't doing this.

(She's a teen now, and says she has no recollection of this whatsoever.)

Laiya

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 10:43 pm

I think even a light "potch" on the wrist, together with a stern face and reprimand, induces a feeling of shame in the child--regardless of whether pain was inflicted.

There may be a time when this type of discipline is necessary, although the only example I can think of is to prevent an immediate danger to a young child (ex. child ran into the street).

If I ask myself whether this is the type of relationship I want to have with my kids--them feeling shamed by me, or fearing me....No it isn't.

justforfun87

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 10:45 pm

I think my post came off as self righteous. I certainly would/have screamed at my child when he is doing something unsafe. I just never felt strongly enough to hit.

BrachaBatya

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 10:58 pm

I am completely against spanking.

loveandpeace

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 11:12 pm

The Torah only allows hitting if the the parent/teacher is 100% calm. And the only thing tht hurts is the idea of being slapped.

mommyofboygirls

Mon, Feb 09 2015, 11:21 pm

justforfun87 wrote:

I have a friend who started spanking her 12 month old when the child throws her food from the high chair. She takes her daughterout of the high chair, spanks her, and puts her back. The child is like 13 1/2 or 14 months old and still throws food.

I don't get it. The throwing food I get. It's normal behavior. The spanking I don't get. It's really uncomfortable to watch, too.