Can't get out evenings

amother

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 1:05 pm

Anon because spoke about this IRL.

I have several young children at home. My oldest is too young to babysit. I'm invited to evenings out about twice a week, between simchas, tzedaka parties and school functions. I skip most of them. I have a really hard time finding babysitters and when I do my kids hate it. They cry every time I leave. It's usually bedtime/bath time a very hard time to leave the house. I can't put my kids to bed earlier they won't fall asleep. And my baby right now shrieks constantly when left with a stranger.

My DH works late so hes not an option. A few people who have hosted events/simchas have called me, and when I apologize saying I don't really get out in the evenings, no childcare options then they get annoyed. When I have something very important like PTA I twist myself into a pretzel and go, but I can't do that so often.

How do other people manage to go out at night? And how do I deal with other people's expectations that I "figure it out"? I have an important event that I need to attend soon, and I don't know how I'll make it without neglecting my kids.

zaq

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 1:47 pm

Frankly, I do not see that leaving your children in the care of a babysitter for a few hours in the evening now and then is "neglecting" them. Unless you want to be chained to your house until your youngest is old enough to drive, you really do need to get your children used to the idea of having a babysitter. Of course they cry when you leave--so do many preschoolers when their moms drop them off at school. Five minutes later they are happy as clams playing with their friends.

Start by inoculating your kids slowly: hire someone to babysit for half an hour and gradually increase the time until you can be away for a few hours at a stretch. But as a reality check, very few people, with or without young children, go out several evenings a week. You prioritize. A tzedaka party is hardly a command performance. School functions ditto unless they have something to do with your kids. Even PTA conferences can be done over the phone if need be. Just contact the teachers and make an appointment. You are not the first and will not be the last parent to find it difficult to get away in the evenings.

From the tone of your post I get the idea that when called about an event, you give a weak, wishy-washy and apologetic answer. Never give two excuses. "I don't get out much in the evenings...also I have a hard time finding a sitter" sounds like an excuse, not a reason. If you will instead state firmly, "I wish I could attend but have not been able to find a babysitter", or even if you said "For various reasons I cannot leave my children with a sitter" people might be more accepting. Or not, if you frequently turn down wedding invitations from close friends. But at least you would sound believable.

BTW does your dh always have to work late? Does he not get vacation time? Maybe he could use some of that time to free you up to attend things that are important to you. But first, understand that an invitation is not an obligation and it is perfectly OK to skip most of the events you describe.

vicki

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 2:24 pm

I think many, many mommies just don't get out.
I don't.
I also twist myself into a pretzel to get to the most important of the important.
I don't go to Chinese Auctions. I don't go to evening meetings of volunteer groups.
I don't go to acquaintance's simchas. I just don't.

I go to PTA meetings.
I go to sibling/niece/nephew weddings and bar-bat mitzvas. That might be it.
As a matter of fact to most simchas either dh or I go. Hardly ever both unless the kids are invited as well.

The difference is that I don't much care. Occasionally I'll be mopey about it but not usually.

imaima

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 2:49 pm

amother wrote:

Op here

I don't care either. I'd much rather stay home. I go out during the day while the kids are in school. Evenings I'm needed at home. But it's the pressure of people who want me to come to these things that gets to me. That's why I posted in manners and etiquette, I'm feeling rude not showing up so often to various events.

So why don't you rsvp right away?
I am in the same boat. I cannot usually go out during bedtime, there is noone who can put my kids to bed. It is me, my dh, or sometimes my mother. Even if I had a babysitter coming, I wouldn't want her to put my kids to bed. Bedtime is when we daven and summarize the day and I want a parent or grandparent to be there for the kids when they do it.

Are you occupying some kind of important position that makes it necessary that you are present at many events?
I would try to go out later when everyone is really asleep, or when dh is home. If baby cannot be left with anyone, I would take him alone. but only if I really really had to.

solo

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 2:59 pm

I thought I was the only one!
I have 3 small children close in age and I really don't get out much since my oldest was born 3 yrs ago. I think I'd be ok leaving my toddler but it's a moot point Cuz Im uncomfortable leaving my babies...
I usually decline with deepest regret and explain that I'm not comfortable leaving my baby at night. People r usually polite but no one really understands me. It does get uncomfortable. I do feel like a hermit. Sometimes I do feel bad bout being home. But mostly I don't mind at all and feel so wiped out at the end of the day that the last thing I want to do is put on a Sheitel and makeup.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one!!

imaima

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 3:02 pm

It does make one feel weird that everyone's kids just take a bottle, or just sleep through the night at age 3 months, or totally not care that it is someone else giving him that bottle and not the mommy...
I keep thinking that you know your kids and you know if they feel bad without you. You know what you will be causing them when you leave them. There is no need to put anything into perspective or compare yourself to other kids.

solo

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 3:20 pm

imaima wrote:

Totally not judging anyone else or their parenting choices. Just wish ppl would understand mine

seeker

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 4:41 pm

I don't think people would judge you if you kindly but firmly said "sorry, I won't be able to make it to your event that evening." Not "I don't go out evenings." Nobody is keeping tabs on your social life so closely, they're just concerned about their event. Everyone has times when they can't get somewhere,most people understand that, and won't even realize that for you it's every time.

For weddings what generally works for me is to come for just a short time later on after putting the kids to bed. Of course you run the risk that if bedtime takes longer that night and/or they don't fall asleep, they will see you sneaking out, but better than leaving the whole thing to a sitter.

Fox

Sun, Feb 15 2015, 5:13 pm

There is a time for everything, and for many of us, the time to be away in the evening is *not* when our kids are young.

In my experience, there are a lot of different elements:

* If you work outside the home and have a babysitter during the day, you're probably exhausted already and have no desire, no energy, and probably no money to hire additional babysitters to attend evening functions.

* Little kids and big kids are exhausting in different ways, but little kids are very labor intensive. There's a lot of laundry to be done; lunches to be made for the next day; squabbles to be squashed . . .

* For many of us, evenings are the primary time we have to interact with our kids, and we're loathe to give up too much of that.

* Working all day, rushing home to change, fetching the babysitter, and running to an event is just not very appealing for all but the most social butterflies.

I once had a local organization pressure me over and over when I my kids were small (circa 2000) to attend their fundraising events, and I finally told them, "Right now is not the time of my life to be attending these kinds of things, but I'd be happy to do so in the future. Please call me in 2012, and I'll be delighted to attend." That stopped the pressure!