Why am I so materialistic?

amother

Wed, Feb 18 2015, 1:00 pm

Not a day goes by that I don't wish for a bigger, fancier house. I want a bigger car, a "flow in the wind sheital" designer clothes etc etc.

The thing is, I have so much. A beautiful, healthy family. A nice place to live (getting a bit small) a car, enough food and clothing. We are not poor at all. We live relatively well and manage to pay all the bills and eat meat during the week.

But I am still envious of all materialistic things that we don't have yet.

Then I feel ungrateful because I have sooo much.

Any advice?

Fox

Wed, Feb 18 2015, 1:39 pm

I used to be much more materialistic than I am now, and when I was young, I was very materialistic.

Two things were instrumental in helping me dial it down a bit:

* I heard a shiur in which the speaker said that when we yearn for better and better material things, we're really yearning for a closer connection to G-d -- we just can't articulate it. The more I thought about that, the more it resonated with me. I'd frequently heard the theory that people buy things to fill some kind of emptiness within themselves, but I'd never heard it expressed in spiritual terms. Over time, as I contemplated this, I started davening informally whenever I felt the desire for "stuff" creeping up on me. Little by little, I found myself better able to admire things without wishing ownership.

* The second thing that happened is more down-to-earth: I stopped giving consumerism so much access to me. By that I mean that I gradually stopped reading magazines, newspapers, or other media that are essentially advertising vehicles. Again, I'm not talking about drastic changes. But when you're not confronted daily or weekly by glossy ads designed to manipulate you, it's much, much easier to be satisfied.

Actually, that's one of the reasons I have real problems with Internet bans. As posters were commenting in another thread, shopping on the Internet is a much different experience. You have to know what you want and spend some time searching. Impulse items and luxury goods are rendered differently in pixels than in print or IRL. I suppose banning the Internet slows men down in their search for [filth], but it drives women into temptations that can be equally ruinous. I am pleased to say that my kids had never been to a shopping mall before they were in high school.

In short, focus on talking to Hashem and try to stay away from people, places, and things that are designed to make you dissatisfied. Hatzlacha!

amother

Wed, Feb 18 2015, 1:58 pm

Fox wrote:

* The second thing that happened is more down-to-earth: I stopped giving consumerism so much access to me. By that I mean that I gradually stopped reading magazines, newspapers, or other media that are essentially advertising vehicles. Again, I'm not talking about drastic changes. But when you're not confronted daily or weekly by glossy ads designed to manipulate you, it's much, much easier to be satisfied.

That is a really good point. I am not materialistic at all. I read books, publications and reports for the most part. I am a serious news junky. I rarely am interested in things because for the most part I don't know about them. Whenever I need to purchase something, I must research it.

It is interesting to think I don't know about things because I wasn't targeted rather than I didn't focus on them.

I am affluent enough that I can afford whatever, but I have no interest.

imaima

Wed, Feb 18 2015, 2:17 pm

amother wrote:

No advice - I am the same way! Cool

amother

Teal

Wed, Feb 18 2015, 2:20 pm

I agree with the above posters. In high school I started becoming more to the right so instead of reading magazines and watching tv, I would read mussar sefarim and listen to shiurim. I am so much less materialistic than I used to be. My husband and I always talk about what we would do if we won the lottery and became extremely wealthy and both of us agree that besides for stopping to work, we would basically continue living the same way we do (and buy an apartment in Israel- my dream!!!).

Last edited by amother on Sun, Dec 13 2015, 7:12 am; edited 1 time in total

southernbubby

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 9:34 am

I think that want is part of the human condition. Some food out there in a restaurant is far more interesting than what I have in the house. My clothes are outdated but then I am almost 60 so do I need to be in style? My friends spend their winters in Florida while I deal with the extreme cold here. My camera takes lousy pictures. I remind myself frequently that BH I have what is necessary and those other things might be nice but I can live without them. At least, BH, we can help the kids so that is what we choose instead of winters in Florida, taking pictures of the flowers while wearing stylish clothes and eating out.

amother

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 9:47 am

amother wrote:

Op here. Thanks everyone.
You really have shed some light on this topic.
I also think there is a lot of peer pressure.
When all the young couples start buying these big beautiful houses its hard not to be envious.

Its funny I was going to ask you what community you live in.

Personally I live in the same state I grew up in. There are 3 MAIN communities within 20 minutes of each other. I grew up in the "rich" one. I married my dh who grew up in the "nerdy/poor" one (depending on who you ask they would use the other word, I'm not saying those words are synonymous.)

We started our marriage living in the "rich" area. Our siblings live there, my parents live there, our kids' school is there. When it came to buying houses the CHEAPEST house we could find was $750K (and that was 10+ years ago). Today the cheapest house you can find which needs 100K of immediate work is $1.3M.

We bought a house in the area my dh grew up in, and I thank Hashem everyday that I dont live in the "rich" area. It makes some aspects of life hard (carpool to school is 30-45 min each way, I cant just pop in for a chanuka event happening in my childs classroom, etc).

I see the people who live in the "rich" area, their lives are revolved around "keeping up with the jones"

amother

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 10:32 pm

I stopped longing for material things in the 70s, the "Fort Apache" years. You couldn't wear your jewelry in public, even if it was fake, for fear it would be ripped off your neck. There was no point going out in expensive clothes or with expensive accessories because that was like asking to be robbed. Forget having a nice car, or even any car at all--you had no good reason to expect it to remain intact, or even be there ten minutes later, if you parked in the street. So what was the point of possessing nice stuff at all? I got used to the basics and so it remained. But I own nothing that is not paid for in full, pay my credit card bill in full every month in which I use it, and have B"H a nice healthy portfolio. No fur coat feels as good as the equivalent sum well-invested.

imorethanamother

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 12:29 am

Sorry for the late post on this topic. I heard someone say this and it makes a lot of sense to me:

In general, in communities outside insulated Jewish ones, you basically have people in one specific income bracket living near each other. It's an unusual and unique thing for Jewish communities, in that we are forced within close proximity to each other. Thus, someone with an income of $50,000 is living alongside someone making $1,000,000, and while we may not all be "friends", we certainly have a lot of exposure to how a lot of the other side lives.

My advice to you is similar to the anonymous amother in the "nerdy" community. Find people in your economic bracket and hang out with them. Alternately, hang out with people whose values you admire. The ones who make do with less - ideally not because they wish they could have more but don't, but those that can but make a choice not to.

I like to be with people that choose not to spend money on various things, and instead try to live simply and give more tzedaka or spend their money in a way that I think is in line with the way I want to be. I try not to judge the way anyone spends their money, but I do have a vision of what I would like myself to be.

amother

Ruby

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 12:50 pm

Just finding this post and it really is speaking to me so I would love some support. I am totally not into buying things. I don't like tons of jewelry, clothes etc. but lately I have Been feeling "if only I had that it would make life easier" which isn't bad, just that it's been happening on lots of things. Som thing makes sense- we need a bookcase, a fan, boxes for toys, a can opener-- all stuff we need. But the list doesn't end! I don't want fancy- just basic and practical. But there is always more!
Maybe it's my search for "the thing" that will make life comfier, easier. But I hate spending money that we don't have lots of. I do they"wait 3 days to see if you still want/need it". But do we really need it? Is there something we can do to not need it? I feel so materialistic buying stuff!

MagentaYenta

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 1:32 pm

amother wrote:

It sounds like some needful things would make your life a bit easier, or even add to the esthetics of your home. For those of us on tight budgets we can view them as extravagances and do without. I make a list. I wait a month. I also take note of when the item could have been used to make a difference in my life. If it's weekly, it's likely I save for the purchase (in the case of an area rug) or run out and buy it (in the case of the can opener). I also ask myself if this is a first world problem that is being magnified in my own minds eye.

I will admit to looking for items online, without purchasing them. Sometimes it's a home appliance that I use with frequency and I want to see if the technology has advanced etc., sometimes it's a piece of clothing, that would be investment grade and I want to see if it's on the market. I have a cashmere sweater that I took out of service last winter after 20 years of good use. It needs replacing and I'll never get a deal on one like I did with the original so I continually shop for the replacement.

amother

Blush

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 2:44 pm

I'm very wealthy and own those things you covet. But my real problems, money can not fix - it can aid in some of it, but can not make them go away.

Both sides of our family are uninterested in spending time with us or their grandkids.

One of my kids has special needs and it's a daily struggle.

I have low self esteem and few friends. I struggle with depression and anxiety.

My husband has little interest in spending time with me and instead keeps himself very busy in the two hrs a day he is not working.

But hey, I have a nice house and car and sheitel and no real money problems. BH for those, but at the end of the day, I'd trade those in for my other struggles.

amother

Beige

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 2:55 pm

amother wrote:

I feel for you, but you do not represent the entire wealthy community. Guess what, I have in laws that are crazy and my kids don't know them. 2 of my children have special needs, we have no money, I'm going through some health issues now, we have family drama on both sides of the family. So would money help? Yes. If gd is going to give me all these challenges I wouldn't mind having some money so I can at least pay my car insurance. I often find that ppl that have money complain that they have so many issues that it's not even worth it to have the money. I can't take it. Everyone has problems in life, no one is perfect. I have similar issues to you minus the financial stability. Obviously things are rough for you but at least thank gd for the security you have.

mirror

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 3:10 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

amother

Blush

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 5:36 pm

amother wrote:

Your point is that it could always be worse? Well you are 100% correct. It could always be worse, til you are dead.

Happy ? Wink

amother

Beige

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 7:29 pm

amother wrote:

Your point is that it could always be worse? Well you are 100% correct. It could always be worse, til you are dead.

Happy ? Wink

my point is that rich ppl say how money doesn't mean anything and how u would rather be dirt poor then have all the problems you have. Ppl have the same issues that you do and they don't have that money. Your issues are fixable. I'm sure you can get a zillion suggestions about what to do about your relationship with your husband. You have a special child? I have 2. Join a forum about raising special children. You're depressed? So am I. And it's a struggle to pay for the proper help I need, but I work on it. If only you could switch lives with me and see what saying. I just get aggravated when I hear comments like yours.