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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Older brother is so mean to younger brother!



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tova5




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 18 2015, 5:09 pm
my older son now 12yrs has always been very very mean to his 2years younger brother! whenever he does something he doesn't like he shouts, kicks him etc takes things away from him, makes fun of him, calling names etc. in school my younger boys told me the teacher had to separete them a few toimes as the bigger one started on him! my younger one is a very sensitive and placid boy who wouldnt harm a fly!! it has been going on for very long.I cant always punish the older one!? then he says to me YOU HATE ME thats why you punish me!
what would you do? any suggestion?
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 18 2015, 5:13 pm
Call a specialist.
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energy booster




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 18 2015, 5:24 pm
He might be jealous of the younger one. Instead of punishing him try focusing on the victim. For example every time he hits him the younger one gets a jelly or a nickel. Whichever works for ur family. He won't like that his brother gets a treat when he hits. That might stop him from hurting him.
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yOungM0mmy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 18 2015, 6:00 pm
With all due respect, why have you waited so long? It is not appropriate for a 12year old to kick anyone. My five year old at the time had a problem with anger, but the day his brother came in with scratch marks on his face was the last time he hurt him. We took him to see a professional, we gave him tools to deal with his anger, we also spoiled him a bit/eased off on some of the negotiables so there was less fighting/tension in general...BH he is now 7, and still gets upset regularly, but is like a different child.
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amother


 

Post Wed, Feb 18 2015, 8:15 pm
tova5 wrote:
my older son now 12yrs has always been very very mean to his 2years younger brother! whenever he does something he doesn't like he shouts, kicks him etc takes things away from him, makes fun of him, calling names etc. in school my younger boys told me the teacher had to separete them a few toimes as the bigger one started on him! my younger one is a very sensitive and placid boy who wouldnt harm a fly!! it has been going on for very long.I cant always punish the older one!? then he says to me YOU HATE ME thats why you punish me!
what would you do? any suggestion?


I have a son like this too. (And he's also 12). My son is very mature and way above average intelligence. I always feel he should know better and it drives me crazy. People are commenting here to see a specialist, what type of professional deals with such. I don't think it's an anger or jealousy thing, in my son's case. I think it's a control thing.
I do have a child who has anger management issues too, what type of person would u see for that?
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 18 2015, 10:31 pm
Ask the pediatrician for a recommendation of how to get a behavioral evaluation and treatment for inappropriately aggressive behavior.

The exact structure of the aggression and its motives are not for you to speculate about. That's what professionals are for.

Intelligence has nothing to do with this. There is no such thing as "knowing better". It's not an intellectual matter.

The earlier these things are dealt with, the better. Now.

In both cases there is a suffering Jew. The younger and abused child. That is someone to think about.

There is nothing pleasant about being the abuser either, but that is also speculation. The suffering of the loser is visible.

I do not think beastly behavior should be permitted at any age. Even the merest infant can be first simply prevented, then repeatedly instructed and over time trained, to not viciously aggress against his fellows.

Normal roughhousing, rivalry working out, and horsing around must not be vicious or brutal in nature.
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yOungM0mmy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Feb 18 2015, 11:48 pm
amother wrote:
I have a son like this too. (And he's also 12). My son is very mature and way above average intelligence. I always feel he should know better and it drives me crazy. People are commenting here to see a specialist, what type of professional deals with such. I don't think it's an anger or jealousy thing, in my son's case. I think it's a control thing.
I do have a child who has anger management issues too, what type of person would u see for that?


We did a few things. We looked into a frum parenting course, in the end I did a one off session for a bit of perspective.

My son has food allergies, and I thought his anger was possibly connected to physical discomfort. I took him to a kinesiologist/homeopath to try desensitise, but stopped that because she tried to give parenting advice which I didn't agree with. I still think homeopathy might work, but haven't found the right practitioner.

I spoke to my Dr who suggested it might be partly an immaturity thing, or out of exhaustion (he has a very long school day), and I definitely think some it has improved with maturity any increased flexibility.

We read books about anger and feelings, I had him draw his bad dreams which would set him off in a bad mood for the whole day, we gave him a notebook to write in, either a private note to dh and myself, and we could respond to him privately, or if something happened to make him angry but he didn't want to tell us, he could write it.

We brainstormed about how he could calm down and made a list (eg. Wash your face, have a cold drink, count to 10 slowly, draw a picture, run around the garden, go lay in my bed or his to calm down a bit) and when he got angry I'd tell him to go choose one or more from his list,and he had a sticker chart as well.

We also realised that he needed help calming down, either before it reached boiling point of possible, or once he had lost it, and couldn't do it himself. Where we used to tell him we were happy to listen when he wanted to talk nicely, actually at that point he needed someone to hold him and help him calm down, so we would ask him straight out, do you need a hug, and made it a point to touch him a lot more, massage, etc.

The Dr also referred him to a child mental health professional, but by the time we got the appointment, and had already been working with all the other methods, he was doing so much better that we just had the one family session with her, she didn't even speak to the kids, and she discharged us.
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md1




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Feb 28 2015, 8:45 pm
There is a social worker who just moved to Israel but will do phone consultations around the world. He has a website called www.bullies2buddies.com. He teaches kids how to respond to bullying and how to work with sibling rivalry. The communication skills he teaches can be used to make friends and turn around relationships within days. In fact, what he teaches is so powerful that bullies will become the child's friend. The techniques he teaches are fun and easy to learn and he can do it over the phone with your child who is being bullied. The fee is reasonable and well worth it for the understanding, the social skills, and the emotional maturity it will teach your child. His name is Izzy Kalman. Please look at the website and you can get his contact information from there.
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