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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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FranticFrummie

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 10:49 am

Backstory: 11yo DD is special needs, and has huge anxiety problems on a GOOD day.

We're having some serious family problems right now. My ex is threatening to take custody of DD, and DD really does not want to go. She's also terrified to tell him because she says "He's going to yell at me!" There's a lot more to the story, but suffice to say I DO know where the behavior is coming from and I'm trying to get her counseling.

Here's the problem. She's trying to refuse to go to school, as a way of regaining some control over a life that is totally out of her control right now. She's far to big for me to carry, she refuses to get dressed.

Mornings usually end up some combination of me using logic, sympathy, tough love, and drill sergeant barking. There may or may not be threats of losing computer time mixed in. I also tell her that I want her to succeed, and that I believe in her ability to handle the situation.

I just BARELY got her on the bus this morning, and I had to literally herd her and push her down the path to the sidewalk. I had to walk behind her holding both of her arms, and almost pick her up to get her up the bus steps.

She's in tears and hates me right now, I'm exhausted and worried, and my ex isn't around to see how his selfish behavior is affecting the child he claims to love more than I do.

When DD skypes him later tonight, she's going to put on her game face, tell him everything is fine, and refuse to talk about what is bothering her. We go through this every single night. Then she has nightmares all night long, wakes up in a panic attack, and the whole thing starts all over again.

Her grades are dropping, she's refusing to participate in class, and she's eaten hardly anything for the past 4 days. I deal with anxiety myself, so I know the pattern all too well.

It's so complicated, and there's so many things I need to do to fix this mess, but in the meantime, how do I get her on the dang bus?

saw50st8

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 11:01 am

FF are you moving to Israel soon? Do you have an online school available? Would you be able to do that?

Or, can you start driving her to school and spending time on campus so she knows you are around.

Also, can you talk to her father even if she isn't willing to? I'm assuming the answer is no.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 11:09 am

saw50st8 wrote:

My ex is refusing to sign the papers I need for Aliyah, and threatening to take me to court to get full custody. This is a complete reversal of what he has led me to believe for the past year that we've been making plans, and he's waited until we're right down to the last document we need. He's basically vetoed our entire lives.

I can't drive, never have. Her school is much too far away to walk, and passes through an extremely bad neighborhood. I wouldn't even walk there myself!

I've been talking to my ex, and all he does is tell me that he's taking me to court and that I'm an unfit mother. My ex is extremely anti religious, and thinks that all religions are pure evil. He says that I'm brainwashing DD into a dangerous cult, even though she goes to public school! G-d forbid my kid should have to wear a skirt when all of her friends are wearing skinny jeans and t-shirts that say "Juicy" on the front. Rolling Eyes

He has absolutely zero chance of getting custody of her, for many reasons that I won't list here. Just say that I'm not worried, just extremely annoyed at the mess this is causing. It's going to be a major pain the the tuchus, and I hate that DD is suffering so much.

Learning

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 11:15 am

Could it be that Dd is bullied in school because she is wearing a skirt and long sleeves?

Jewishmom8

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 11:15 am

That sounds so hard.
I have no advice.
I will daven for you.
Just keep doing your best every day. Your a great mom.
Hug

FranticFrummie

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 11:22 am

Learning wrote:

Could it be that Dd is bullied in school because she is wearing a skirt and long sleeves?

3/4 of the girls in her school are muslim, and are covered from head to toe. The clothing was never an issue, and DD is happy with her clothes. I just took her clothes shopping on Sunday, and she was thrilled to pick out lots of long sleeve shirts and skirts. She's quite the fashionista. It's my ex who thinks I'm "oppressing her".

DD is getting bullied though, because she's too depressed to stand up for herself, is not participating in class, and is basically looking like a wounded puppy. She used to be really feisty and confident, but she's completely crumpled. Bullies can smell an easy target from a mile away.

When we're at home, DD follows me around the house, clings to my arm or my waist, and wants kisses. She hasn't done that in a long time, because she's becoming a teen. I feel like she's reverting back to a younger child, and needs her Mama. My "tough little cookie" is starting to crumble. Crying

Nomad

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 11:29 am

Is she seeing a counselor or therapist? Having someone outside this dynamic who is trained can help her tremendously. I don't know where you live, but if she has special needs, she may qualify for free therapy.

Iymnok

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 11:29 am

Wow, it's so tempting to just run away to Israel illegally. (I'm NOT suggesting that). Hug

a jewish woman

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 11:30 am

It seems that your ex is harrassing you and is emotionally abusive to you and your daughter. She is afraid and angry but doesnt know how to deal with it so shes turning her emotions inward which is causing the depression. She needs counseling immediately but more importantly, she needs to feel safe. I would suggest that you speak to a lawyer to see if you can get some sort of restraining order or order of protection for her to know that your ex wont be able to hurt her. Try to document everything and perhaps even record the conversations where he is threatening and bullying you so that you have proper evidence against him. Good luck!

FranticFrummie

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 11:38 am

I just got off the phone with the school's head therapist (they have 5 on staff).

DD is in full meltdown mode. She's shut down and not engaging in anything. Sad

I gave them permission to take her out of class whenever needed, BUT I also asked if the teachers could prepare work sheets for her to bring home so that her grades don't drop any further. I still want her to be accountable for her education, and not use this as an excuse to get out of doing math and writing - two things that she really dislikes.

This is a good combination of therapy + home schooling, and I am so grateful to Hashem that she is in a public school that is so flexible and understanding. (There's gotta be a silver lining in that cloud, right?)

amother

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 12:14 pm

a jewish woman wrote:

It seems that your ex is harrassing you and is emotionally abusive to you and your daughter.

Not really. It sounds like he doesn't want her to move halfway across the world with his kid, which is a legitimate concern.

a jewish woman

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 12:24 pm

amother wrote:

Not really. It sounds like he doesn't want her to move halfway across the world with his kid, which is a legitimate concern.

Ok, but that doesnt give him the right to call FF an unfit mother and threaten to take the kid away. He is an adult, if he doesnt want his daughter to move to Israel then there are ways to go about it without resorting to abusive tactics.
Anyway, it seems like he was on board with the move, why did he change his mind? Is there a history of this kind of behavior? Was FF an unfit mother until now or is this a recent occurence? And if she was an unfit mother until now then why didnt he take action against her sooner?

marina

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 12:32 pm

If your child is in public school, you should (immediately):

1. Schedule an IEP meeting ASAP

2. Explain to the team everything you wrote above, focusing on the anxiety. Bring a doctor's note if you can.

3. Ask that her LRE be changed to home instruction so the District staff will come to the house to teach her- that way she still has to do the work, but in a less anxiety-provoking environment.

4. Ask that the district immediately begin providing counseling as a related service

5. DO NOT FORCE HER TO GO TO SCHOOL. If the school will not excuse her, get a doctor's note and continue asking for home instruction based on medical need.

6. Ask that the teachers / specialists prepare and notarize letters attesting to the change in your daughter's behavior for the court.

7. Based on the above, consider getting a protective order at least for a few weeks so he stops contacting you and your child

If your district is as good as you say, they will comply immediately.

Last edited by marina on Thu, Feb 19 2015, 8:44 pm; edited 1 time in total

greenfire

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 1:15 pm

she is obviously in distress ... forcing her to go to school can backfire

do what marina suggested - this will get the board of education on your daughter's side - as it's in her best interest for them to provide the help she needs ...

good luck !!!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Hug

}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

this one is for your daughter

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ Hug

}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

FranticFrummie

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 3:02 pm

marina wrote:

If your child is in public school, you should (immediately):

1. Schedule an IEP meeting ASAP

2. Explain to the team everything you wrote above, focusing on the anxiety. Bring a doctor's note if you can.

3. Ask that her LRE be changed to homeschooling so the District staff will come to the house to teach her- that way she still has to do the work, but in a less anxiety-provoking environment.

4. Ask that the district immediately begin providing counseling as a related service

5. DO NOT FORCE HER TO GO TO SCHOOL. If the school will not excuse her, get a doctor's note and continue asking for home instruction based on medical need.

6. Ask that the teachers / specialists prepare and notarize letters attesting to the change in your daughter's behavior for the court.

7. Based on the above, consider getting a protective order at least for a few weeks so he stops contacting you and your child

If your district is as good as you say, they will comply immediately.

Thank you Marina! Hug

I got another call from school since the last time I posted. DD was not coping AT ALL, and I needed to come pick her up. Fortunately a friend of mine was home and could give me a ride down there to sign her out. While I was waiting I chatted with the admin of the attendance office, and told her that I thought it was important for DD to try and handle her stress and stick it out for the day. The admin said "I saw her, and she is in no condition to be in school, she's in really rough shape. I see this every day, sadly, and your daughter needs help." Sad

DD is home now. I encouraged her to write an email to my ex, so that she wouldn't feel so confronted by a phone call or Skype. I just told her to say her honest feelings, helped her a bit with spelling, but other than that the words are 100% hers.

She's feeling a big better now, but she still won't eat, and says that everything she smells makes her want to throw up. She's in the bath right now trying to unwind. We're putting school on hold until we see how her email is received, and how she's feeling. No pressure to get back on that horse yet.

If DD continues to struggle with this, I will most definitely call an IEP meeting. I'm giving it until Monday morning, and if things aren't better by then, then I will absolutely push for home schooling and more counseling.

Thanks again, your advice has given me a lot of strength and direction.

marina

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 8:41 pm

happy to help.

I recommend you schedule the meeting and then cancel it later if you change your mind. For many schools this is a horrible time of year and waiting can delay scheduling the IEP meeting even more. But you know your team so it's your call.

animeme

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 10:04 pm

Agree with everything marina said, including scheduling the meeting now and documenting what's happening.

I also suggest bumping up her OT/sensory diet to help her deal with her generally elevevated state. Think about what she needed when this level of irritability was normal for her in the past and see if you can fit it in. Maybe a gift of a new quilt, if she likes that type of input.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 10:21 pm

It might be practical to contact the Homeschool advocacy people in your locale, or look at their website, to get knowledgeable about rules and regs in your particular area. They vary. Then, start keeping her going intellectually at home. Her school, in a situation like this, will not be unwilling to let you know general curriculum that you can work with her at home.

Set aside a time daily. A little time, scheduled and used earnestly, can get a lot done.

Unless I misunderstand, she has no objection to learning. It's other things. There are a lot of resources for homeschooling, both kodesh and chol, on the Internet, and you certainly have the ability to teach.

Homeschooling isn't some weird thing. If the kid absorbs the learning, it doesn't matter that much exactly what room they got it in.

It doesn't sound as if she should be in school, and she certainly can't stop her education, and she will feel better about herself if she is learning. Mastery feels very good.

Teach her practical things too, such as sewing. Perhaps her own clothes. But to a high standard of craft.

The other stuff may have to wait until there is some calming down.

I see some wisdom in this girl's decision to stay home. But she has not decided not to learn.

I repeat, you can certainly teach, and it doesn't take as long as people think, and the resources are already in place. You would not be a pioneer.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 11:14 pm

animeme wrote:

Once she's safe at home she's really good at self regulating. She has a heavy blanket with super soft plush fabric. The one thing that is guaranteed to work is to take a bath. She brings all of her fidgets in there, and entertains herself for a long time. I can hear her talking out her stress in there, and it helps her sort out her thoughts.

I'm going to seriously thing about home schooling at this point. As of tonight she's not sure she can handle going back, but we need to talk it over some more.

marina

Thu, Feb 19 2015, 11:56 pm

when you speak with the school use the term home instruction, not home schooling. The former means they come to teach her, the latter means you are pulling her out of the district and teaching her yourself.

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