DH won't allow cleaning lady

manhattanmom

Sat, Feb 21 2015, 8:59 pm

amother wrote:

My mom was a SAHM who only had 2 kids and we were out of the house all day, and she instilled in me a strong sense of it's shameful to have someone else clean up your mess. Fast forward 20 years. I'm living a different life from my mother's. I work, I have more kids, and my husband is working 2 jobs and doesn't have energy to do much around the house when he comes home. So I finally realized that we can't do it all, and I hired a cleaning crew to come 2x a month. I feel so much freer now that I don't have an endless to-do list that never got done!

This is what I need. Do you live in NY? and if you do, can you recommend the cleaning agency you've been using? I need a reputable one desperately!! You can pm me.

debsey

Sat, Feb 21 2015, 9:24 pm

Tablepoetry wrote:

I honestly don't get all those who are opposed to cleaners on the moral grounds that somehow it is pseudo-aristocratic and condescending to hire someone else to clean for you. I really, really don't get it.

Is it condescending to hire someone to mow your yard? Is having a professional gardener or a teenage yard boy not 'moral'?

Is it condescending and immoral to hire someone to cut your kids' hair, even though you could do it yourself? How about hiring someone to paint your house? Or a plumber?

Where do you draw the line? And how? I expect these same people would consider it condescending and immoral to hire a chef to cook one's meals...so is it OK to order takeout? Isn't that the same thing, ultimately?

None of us are self-sufficient today, and it's ridiculous to pretend otherwise. We each have to make a cost-benefit judgment. If a woman is overworked and barely surviving, then it would make sense to devote a few extra hours a week to her well-being or to quality time with her kids, rather than to housekeeping.

I totally agree! It is only demeaning if you interpret it that way. If you pay a valued employee a decent wage for appropriate work (you don't ask her to do things that are totally irrational, like scrub between floor tiles with a toothbrush or whatever) and you treat her like a decent human being, I fail to see the chillul Hashem.

There are only 24 hours in a day. If you earn - let's say - 45.00 an hour - because you are a trained bookkeeper or sheitel macher or whatever - and you pay your cleaning lady 12 - it just doesn't make financial SENSE for you to do all the housework.

As far as thee privacy stuff is concerned, I agree. But I prioritize my kid's mental health (calmer, less frazzled mother) against that concern, and it wins every time.

amother

Sat, Feb 21 2015, 10:21 pm

Quote:

This is what I need. Do you live in NY? and if you do, can you recommend the cleaning agency you've been using? I need a reputable one desperately!! You can pm me.

I'm so sorry, I'm not in NY! I found a very good agency by looking at the Cleaning for a Reason website (a foundation that provides free housecleaning to women undergoing cancer treatments). They had several agencies affiliated with them in my area. I looked at each agency's Facebook account and website and got a feel for who they were. BH it worked out great. The one I chose is very professional and all of their cleaners are specially trained before going out to work, and they have a guarantee that if you're not happy they'll come out within 24 hours and re-clean your house. Hatzlacha!

amother

Sat, Feb 21 2015, 11:56 pm

sitting wrote:

Ya I wld just say this is what we r doing...we r tryinf it out bc u dh cant make judgements on something uve not yet tried. Uve never seen me interact with help etc.
I have a live in and my kids call her "our helper". I hate hearing kids refer to "our cleaner"it is derogatory whichever way u slice it.

Your children call your cleaning lady as "our cleaner" and you think that's respectful???

My children call my cleaning lady by her name. And when I refer to her to others outside of my family I call her my cleaner or my cleaning lady. Same as I refer to the woman who watches my baby as my babysitter.

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 1:00 am

OP, my husband didn't think it was necessary either. So this is what I did. I basically told him if I clean for 3 hours, she will come for 1 hour. It was like a reward for me. So I did everything in regard to putting away clutter, toys, clothes, vaccuming most of the house and she did the heavy scrubbing in the kitchen and bathroom. I told her to come and I didn't even tell him she was coming until that day (we had discussed it previously that I am doing it but then I didn't bring it up again until it was for sure). So I said I am hiring someone even though he wasn't happy. Then I told him she is coming on Thurs at 4:00. He said I could do the same thing and save the money. So I said fine- you can scrub the toilet and oven and keep the money but of course he didnt' really want to do that so he let.

Why don't you just tell him it is a one time thing and then see how it goes from there? you don't have to hire someone permanently every week. She can come once a month for 2 hours and do heavy cleaning and then if he is okay with it and gets used to it, every 2 weeks, and then as often as you need.

Unless he is cleaning, it isn't his decision to decide how the cleaning gets done. If it is his job to take out the garbage and he hired someone else to do it and you were against it, he would say then you take it out, it needs to get done. If you ddn't want to take it out, then he can hire someone. I know its a dumb example but the point is it isn't his realm.

don't ask. tell him "I need this." Call and hire someone. Tell him - they will be coming on X day at X time

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 4:55 am

When I was first married I hired a cleaning lady without discussing it with my DH and he got so upset, we almost got divorced. For many years we didnt have cleaning lady - and I didnt clean. After 4 kids, my DH said, can you ask your friends if they can recommend a cleaning lady and then we had one.

But it was 8 years of mess and dirt.

Tablepoetry

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 6:08 am

esheschayil wrote:

"Unless he is cleaning, it isn't his decision to decide how the cleaning gets done."

Not sure how to quote something and then bold part of it, but this amother got it right.

That's not quite true. A spouse can't just decide to outsource all his or her share of chores. The money comes from a common budget.
That said, spouses should be sensitive when the other is overworked or there are no budget constrictions.

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 7:37 am

SRS wrote:

The idea of "telling" a husband you have hired someone is about as distasteful as him "not letting."

I don't really think you can make blanket statements like that. While this is true in an ideal world, this is true, but sometimes you have to act for the sake of your health or sanity. I do know people who just went ahead and got the cleaning help because they were falling apart. The husband just had to deal. I know someone who took bc behind her husband's back. Sounds wrong, but else what was she supposed to do? Be celibate? Have a child she felt she couldn't care for? Sometimes we have to make less than ideal choices. I consider myself fortunate not to have ever had to do something major like that, but knowing people who really had to, and don't judge, and I recognize that if faced with an impossible choice, I would do what I needed to do, even if unilaterally.

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 7:40 am

SRS wrote:

The idea of "telling" a husband you have hired someone is about as distasteful as him "not letting."

33055

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 9:19 am

You can "tell" DH about a decision you made after you discussed it first. DH and I have a great marriage. I "let" him make most of the decisions because I honestly don't care about a lot of things. Sometimes I will sayu to him that "I am not asking, I am telling you X." This means it is important to me.

You have to look at the dynamics of each marriage. I agree you can't make blanket statements.

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 9:37 am

Op here. Thanks everyone, these are some great suggestions. I've been reading as responses pop up but wanted to let the conversation flow. Unfortunately, trying to have any part of this conversation with DH led to the floodgates opening, and now it's pretty moot. I'm gonna use these if he can get himself together enough to deal with his anger issues and resentment enough to actually run a household with another person who isn't a doormat.

marina

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 9:45 am

Tablepoetry wrote:

Since you asked:

1. Hiring someone for things you can't do yourself (gardening, plumbing, painting) is not elitist because you literally can't do it.

2. The above applies for cleaning when you literally can't do it- I.e. not well, gave birth to twins yesterday, barely surviving etc.

3. For me- a cleaning lady is literally cleaning your ****. She's scrubbing your floors, your toilets- that's a lot more personal than just mowing the lawn or getting take out.

4. I can ask you where you draw the line too. Why not hire someone to wipe your *** for you? Really? If you have the money and don't feel like doing this yourself, why shouldn't you hire someone for that unpleasant job?

amother

Sun, Feb 22 2015, 9:48 am

marina wrote:

Op here. Marina, do you think someone like me, who isn't asking because I just don't feel like it/it's unpleasant, but because straightening up is beyond draining and abnormally mentally difficult for me, is being elitist then?