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Who pays for the dining room and bedroom set?
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who buys dining room and bedroom furniture?
boy's parents  
 1%  [ 2 ]
girl's parents  
 6%  [ 9 ]
both parents pay half  
 23%  [ 34 ]
the newlywed couple  
 68%  [ 97 ]
Total Votes : 142



Maya




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 2:34 pm
Did you not see my response?
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Mevater




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 2:41 pm
Sanguine wrote:
Obviously not asking us MO people. We get married when we can support ourselves. We buy furniture (and homes) when we can afford to. If parents want to help out and give gifts it is always very welcome and appreciated but nothing is expected required.


And sadly the Yeshivish and the Chassidish communities think they have nothing to learn from the MO crowd. Oy. Double Oy.
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Sanguine




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 2:49 pm
Maya wrote:
Did you not see my response?

Yeah, I got it. They go into debt. How much can you borrow? And before they pay back the next kid is getting married... And where do they get the money to pay back a loan?

Nevermind. I'm getting annoying now. But I see all the posts here about people who can't afford Bugaboos. So when will those people start to make more than they spend to live?
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 3:02 pm
Sanguine wrote:
But explain, how do all these uneducated men find jobs that pay more than minimum wage? And then for 20 years they raise a family of 10 kids, how much can they have for savings? And then the weddings and LR/BR... starts (and their own house isn't cleared of kids yet). How is it possible?

They dont make minimum wage. They work on the books up to the amount allowed by foodstamps, medicaid, etc and get the rest in cash. They put their money in gemachs so they officially dont have any savings.
You do not need to be educated, the jobs usually provide training. Its also easier for men (rather than women) to start businesses in the community and many take advantage of that.
The wedding expenses are paid by savings, loans or even tzedakah.if you are lucky, you marry into a rich family and they pay for everything. Im satmar and speaking from experience (I was "sold" to a guy from a rich family).
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 3:03 pm
Sanguine wrote:
But explain, how do all these uneducated men find jobs that pay more than minimum wage? And then for 20 years they raise a family of 10 kids, how much can they have for savings? And then the weddings and LR/BR... starts (and their own house isn't cleared of kids yet). How is it possible?

Amother above you here.
Have you heard of the concept of hard work?
Dh works many hours. He is bh very successful at what he does. Started out as a regular store clerk. All his co-workers who gave it their all, all made it bh. The rest.... are still at entry level jobs.... Of course there is the element of Mazal but if you don't apply u yourself there isn't where the mazal/bracha should go.....

He had a very basic mastery of English.... mine is decent.
So we spoke only English for a few months. He looked into a local english course but that wasn't very advanced.... today his english is good.

My point is, you gotta WORK to make it and be willing to sweat it. Growing up, dh saw both his parents work, his older siblings work.... he had good role models too. Bh for that.

And ftr, we arnt rich either but we manage to pay rent and bills. We don't vacation. But we can pay the grocery...
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Sanguine




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 3:46 pm
amother wrote:
They dont make minimum wage. They work on the books up to the amount allowed by foodstamps, medicaid, etc and get the rest in cash. They put their money in gemachs so they officially dont have any savings.
Sorry. I wasn't trying to turn this thread into that.

second amother
amother wrote:
My point is, you gotta WORK to make it and be willing to sweat it. Growing up, dh saw both his parents work, his older siblings work.... he had good role models too. Bh for that.

And ftr, we arnt rich either but we manage to pay rent and bills. We don't vacation. But we can pay the grocery...
Yeah, us too. So how are you going to pay for the BR and DR sets? (I mean for everything else)
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 3:54 pm
watergirl wrote:
When ever I see the heimish furnature store advertising kallah specials for "only" 5k, it makes me ill. Thats a lot of money on top of everything else!


Not only that, but it's flat-out stupid to buy "real" furniture for a first apartment. You have no idea what kind of place you'll end up in. I've known people who bought the whole nine-yards bedroom set when first married and couldn't open the dresser drawers more than six inches because the room was so small. Another couple bought the whole set and it fit just fine in their first bedroom, also in the second one after they moved to a bigger place. But by the time child # 6 or 7 arrived, and it would have made sense to put the four boys in the biggest bedroom and the parents in one of the smaller ones, they couldn't because their beautiful and expensive bedroom set wouldn't fit in any other room. Why didn't they just sell their bedroom set?Good question! Probably because it cost thousands of dollars and they'd be lucky if they sold it for 20 cents on the dollar, which wouldn't be enough to buy a new set, even a smaller and more modest one.
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moonstone




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 3:56 pm
sourstix wrote:
I think what pp dont realize here is there is a diff when it comes to chasidish pp that dont go to college and anyone out there that the parents pay alot for college. whatever the reason is that in the chasidish world we dont go to college. d.r. and bedroom sets are probably somewhere near the college costs. see, there is something to it. obviously there are those that cant afford both college and the sets. but there is something to it. chasidish pp in general have no professions and their income is very low and then add the kollel lifestyle and then they just become totally dependant. not saying this is good just pointing it out why the op would ask this question. now off to my house duties.


Don't mean to derail the thread, but is this really true? No doctors, lawyers, etc.? I find that kind of sad. I wonder how many brilliant chassidish men and women there are who would love to have a career in, say, scientific research but can't because it's not done in their community.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 3:57 pm
Sanguine wrote:
Obviously not asking us MO people. We get married when we can support ourselves. We buy furniture (and homes) when we can afford to. If parents want to help out and give gifts it is always very welcome and appreciated but nothing is expected required.


We are charedi and we completely support ourselves. I didn't get any of the 'gifts' when I got married, my husband didn't get any sefarim, and we bought or found for free all our furniture.

Felt like a very condescending post.

Edit: Sorry, I just saw all the comments back and forth. I hadn't read through all the pages before. I didn't realize this was a whole discussion now.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 4:07 pm
Sanguine wrote:
Yeah, us too. So how are you going to pay for the BR and DR sets? (I mean for everything else)


Hopefully by then the standard will be different.

We are trying to save everything we can so we can buy an apt/house in some startup chassidish oot community that is affordable. Dh can get s load from his work company (they have this service for employees). But fir new, We can live two months off our savings. Not more. It's pathetic but it's a start. We had more but we had to furnish our new apt.

So hopefully, when we pay a mortgage it'll be less. We just moved to a cheaper community and renting an apt in order to be able to save.

So if standard will not change till then, we will be able to save up to pay for it.

I'd rather pay for furniture once new then for multiple down the road....

The tekunas in Satmar is soooooo brilliant it made it a norm and not a nebby thing to spend less. I'm just as happy w a Cz ring than I would have been w a real diamond....
my parents married off 3 kids in less than 2 years without debt. (Tekunas was a new thing then. My brother was one of the first 10. Sol wasn't to keen on the idea but brother convinced her and she's so glad she did)

My other two siblings did get furniture. And they both told me they feel so bad about it.
My sister on the other hand, married off her son and "officially" did tekunas but spent more than I want to know... $1,500 gown for her 5 amd 10 yo....she's an idiot! And she doesn't have the money for it...
I'm rambling here...
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 4:11 pm
Married 30 years. Never had a dining room "set" or bedroom "set" and don't expect to have any. Dining table was acquired thirdhand. chairs are folding chairs we bought ourselves after we were married a few years. Wall unit we bought after we were married a good few years. Beds are high-risers, dressers were ours growing up, so already 15-20 years old when we got married and still excellent pieces. We don't have end tables, coffee tables or night stands and have no desire for them.

Our married dc bought new beds before their weddings, of course, but most of the rest of their furniture they acquired here and there. Some they bought secondhand, some they yarshaned from us or our machatonim, some they bought new. They may upgrade some day if what they have doesn't pass the test of time, and of course when the time comes Be"H they'll need to buy furniture to acommodate their growing families. But so far their apts. look perfectly respectable with the eclectic furniture collections they have. No need for matchy-matchy furniture sets , which IMHO make a place look like a motel room rather than a home.
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Sanguine




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 4:14 pm
amother wrote:
We are charedi and we completely support ourselves. I didn't get any of the 'gifts' when I got married, my husband didn't get any sefarim, and we bought or found for free all our furniture.

Felt like a very condescending post.

Edit: Sorry, I just saw all the comments back and forth. I hadn't read through all the pages before. I didn't realize this was a whole discussion now.


So this was what I responding to the post like yours
Quote:
OP asked "who buys the newlywed couples table chairs dresser and bed?" Sounds to me like she's asking what are the rules not "Help! we can't afford furniture".

Shabbat asked "are you asking of a specific sect or just in general?". I have no idea if Gur or Bobov or Satmar or Lubavitch or... have different rules. I just answered about my "sect".

MO has no rules. We have no rules for supporting or homes or furniture... If parents want to/can help, it's always very welcome.


That was it. OP asked what was the rule. Shabbat asked if that question was for a certain sect. I said the MO sect has no rules. So what was condescending? What is your sect and what are your rules for buying the DR/BR sets?

And not every MO couple supports themselves either but there aren't any rules of who is supposed to pay for what.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 4:18 pm
silbergirl wrote:


Noone (who is older than 20) should rely on their families money, especially noone should pick their mate according to the wealth of the in laws or grandparents. its just not right... maybe thats the Yekkie in me, no idea. Smile


The Litvak in me is deeply offended. Yekkes have no monopoly on menschlichkeit or common sense.
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Sanguine




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 4:27 pm
amother wrote:
Hopefully by then the standard will be different.

We are trying to save everything we can so we can buy an apt/house in some startup chassidish oot community that is affordable. Dh can get s load from his work company (they have this service for employees). But fir new, We can live two months off our savings. Not more. It's pathetic but it's a start. We had more but we had to furnish our new apt.

So hopefully, when we pay a mortgage it'll be less. We just moved to a cheaper community and renting an apt in order to be able to save.

So if standard will not change till then, we will be able to save up to pay for it.

I'd rather pay for furniture once new then for multiple down the road....

The tekunas in Satmar is soooooo brilliant it made it a norm and not a nebby thing to spend less. I'm just as happy w a Cz ring than I would have been w a real diamond....
my parents married off 3 kids in less than 2 years without debt. (Tekunas was a new thing then. My brother was one of the first 10. Sol wasn't to keen on the idea but brother convinced her and she's so glad she did)

My other two siblings did get furniture. And they both told me they feel so bad about it.
My sister on the other hand, married off her son and "officially" did tekunas but spent more than I want to know... $1,500 gown for her 5 amd 10 yo....she's an idiot! And she doesn't have the money for it...
I'm rambling here...
Thanks for your "ramble". I guess it works cause Satmar marries Satmar. My kids are like us, wouldn't want an overdone wedding and they know we can't pay for an apartment... But when the kids get married (some of mine are old enough to), there's always the other side who may have different ideas than you.
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simchat




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 4:32 pm
I could never understand this concept - we bought everything ourselves. We did get some things from a gemach (it is expensive setting up a brand new home) and found good deals online, second hand etc. I really don`t understand the entitlement - I.e who is EXPECTED to buy such and such... if someone wants to get you a nice gift, it`s really nice of them. That`s it. And I am not MO

Edited to add - I didn`t read through the whole thread. Sorry if I`m repeating someone elses answer.


Last edited by simchat on Sun, Feb 22 2015, 4:33 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Jeanette




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 4:33 pm
amother wrote:
The Litvak in me is deeply offended. Yekkes have no monopoly on menschlichkeit or common sense.


Relax. She didn't say anything about litvaks.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 4:40 pm
I can see how it might be comforting to have a set of rules that everyone follows. And yet, one size never fits all. I really don't see why a newlywed couple "has to" have all this stuff, especially if their families can't afford it. Even if they can afford it, there's merit in making young people learn how to manage money, defer purchasing, and earn their creature comforts. You appreciate things a whole lot more when you save up to buy it yourself rather than have it handed to you on a sliver platter.

An expensive bedroom set and an elegant ten-foot-long seforim schrank is cold comfort when the electricity is about to be shut off for nonpayment of the bill.
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sneakermom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 5:13 pm
Those that set their kids up with everything are usually of European descent.

It's understood as a way to set up a home for the new couple. An investment for their future family.

In America the custom is to pay for college. Back then essential objects were valued.
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mommy3b2c




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 5:51 pm
sneakermom wrote:
Those that set their kids up with everything are usually of European descent.

It's understood as a way to set up a home for the new couple. An investment for their future family.

In America the custom is to pay for college. Back then essential objects were valued.


This. I come from a Hungarian family, and this is just what our parents do. We are not spoiled brats who feel entitled. That's just what they did for us. And that was that. They paid for our college too, btw.
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mirror




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 6:11 pm
silbergirl wrote:
The problem is the expectations are very high re financial support after the wedding nowadays, because of course there ARE ppl who can buy the couple an apartment in Jerusalem, an Italian full wood dining and bedroom set and support the boy for the next 10 years fulltime learning. This raises the bar a lot for families that cant provide that and if you cant, your kid may not get the shidduch he or she wants... I have seen that among chasidim (some sects even demand expensive gifts for every Shabbos during the engagement, one shabbos a pearl necklace, the other Shabbos earrings, a gold watch for the boy, an expensive ivory incrusted shtender, that full leather shas set.....), litvaks and MO.
It is unhealthy and takes the focus off finding a suitable shidduch. Thats one of the reasons so many ppl get divorced nowadays, too many things causing tension even before the wedding (who pays what and how much) and focusing too much on gashmius, rather, than personality.


Party Bounce Cheers Ice cream Im with stupid Wave Queen Flower King Salut Black Eye Bounce King Party Bounce Cheers Ice cream Im with stupid Wave Queen Flower King Salut Black Eye Bounce King Party Bounce Cheers Ice cream Im with stupid Wave Queen Flower King Salut Black Eye Bounce King
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