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Lubavitcher chosson Kallah minhagim?



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amother


 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 11:39 am
Can someone provide me with the info on what the customs are during an engagement?
Gift giving- what does kallah get during engagement? Jewelry? When and what? Does she get other gifts? Do mechitunim exchange משלוח מנות? Does chosson receive gifts? What and when?
Wedding- who schedules the date ? Wedding hall is chosen by?
R expenses 50%/50%?
.... Want to hear basic info ...
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Jeanette




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 11:47 am
There is no set structure regarding gift giving and the like. That all depends on the individuals involved.

The rebbe stresses in his letters and sichos the importance for the chossin kallah to be less materialistic during this time and more focused on spiritual preparations for marriage. Whatever preparations can be done by others re wedding, etc, should be done by them to free up the chosson kallah to focus on spiritual preparations.
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 1:20 pm
IME

kallah gets a necklace and I think watch from chassan
chassan gets watch, shas and tallis
engagement ring is given in yichud room
I got silver candlesticks when I got married but I honestly don't remember who paid for them, we picked them out together after we got married. I think the chassans side is meant to pay for it. One of my friends (who married into a more geze chabad family) was upset that her mil picked out the candlesticks without consulting her.

kallahs family usually plans the wedding and picks location. (usually kallahs hometown, although often families do it in crown heights even if kallah is not from there) In some cases costs are 50/50, other families do FLOP. I've heard 50/50 is more common nowadays but don't know if that is true.

In most families I would imagine they consult on the date together.

If you are in New York Devorah Benjamin is a wedding planner in Crown heights, she could probably tell you all these things.
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SYA




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 3:12 pm
There is no set minhag though I know of many who have done the following. It is nice to ask the chosson or Kallah their preference on different items, like color of tehillim, talis bag design, though tell the vendor your price range in advance.

Kallah gets necklace for engagement which she wears to the lChaim. Some nowadays want a bracelet or earrings instead, so the Kallah should be asked for her preference.

Chosson usually gets a watch. Some do not want it so they should be asked. I know of some chossanim who have asked for the equivalent amount to be used to purchase seforim instead of a watch.

The chosson gets before the wedding a Tallis, Shabbos silk gartel, Tallis / tefillin bags, becher, kittul.

Kallah usually gets a wedding band needed at chuppah, diamond ring which she receives in the yichud room, a leather tehillim engraved with her name (future last name optional) which she uses on the wedding day to say the whole tehillim and a Leichter set for the first Shabbos.

Everything else like a machzor, menorah, Megillah / additional jewelry like pearls are really extras that chosson and Kallah can buy their new spouse during the first year, as an anniversary or birthday gift.

None of these are set in stone. Some parents will purchase more or less and sometimes the chosson and Kallah may purchase some of these items.
As "raisin" said, Devorah Benjamin is a great party planner, in addition to her organization that helps a chosson and Kallah. She can guide what is the bare minimum and what is extra.
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 3:14 pm
gifts from chosson to kallah: necklace for l'chaim, diamond ring for yichud room, white leather basic seforim with her name, leichter, flowers for erev Shabbosim and also flowers for l'chaim and Shabbos kallah
other possible gifts include a sheitle and other jewelry, depending on the circumstances such as if a birthday or yomtov occurs during the engagement

gifts from kallah to chosson: tallis bag, tallis, shas, watch for l'chaim and cuff links for yichud room

It is proper for the mother of the chosson to send mishloach manos to the kallah and it is also nice for the mechutanim to send each other.

In today's world, many weddings take place in CH due to that being the place where the chosson and kallah's friends are but could take place where the kallah lives.

Some families split the cost, including the cost of the l'chaim some divide according to the chosson's side doing FLOP and paying for the l'chaim but that usually comes out to the same cost as splitting the entire cost of the chassunah. It is proper to split the kibbudim. I have heard arguments for either side picking the medader kiddushin. It is supposed to be the rav of that community unless the father or grandfather of one side is mesader kiddushin. Each side must pay the going rate to the shadchan!!! The expensive gifts are nice ideas but shadchanus is halacha.

If the chassunah takes place in CH, the kallah's side goes to the ohel the night before the wedding and the chosson's side goes the morning of the chassunah.

The families usually split the cost of household furnishings and much of it comes as gifts from other people.
They also split sheva brachas.
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 3:23 pm
BH, we made a chassunah a little over 6 months ago. Some other things to keep in mind is the printing of invitations, bentchers and a tshura. Also someone needs to arrange wedding shtick. There is a cost involved in chosson and kallah classes. The chosson can arrange to rent the Rebbe's shirt and kapota and the kallah can arrange a bedekin tichel from the Rebbitzen.

It is useful to set up a website for people to RSVP and it is a good idea to let people know the date, either by email or facebook, before the invitations go out.

It is proper to arrange tzedukah for the day of the chassunah. One place to give is to kollel Chabad who feeds the poor in Yerushalyim on the day of the chassunah and then sends a certificate to the couple.

One of the gifts to the couple should be mezuzzahs for their doors.

It is helpful for the new couple to spend the night in a bridal suite such as at the Avenue Plaza and if the chuppah and hall are not in the same place, it is helpful to rent a limo to transport the bridal party. Some of these are extra expenses that can be done without if there is no money in the budget for it and depending on the situation.
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Jeanette




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Feb 22 2015, 3:26 pm
Raisin wrote:
IME

kallah gets a necklace and I think watch from chassan
chassan gets watch, shas and tallis.


Of all the above, the only thing we did was the tallis.
As I said, there are no set rules. It all depends on the family's budget and the desires/needs of the individuals involved.
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