Purim day and the stress it involves

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Purim

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chanee

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 3:16 pm

Purim day: The day starts with running to shull to hear the mgillah reading while someone is the babysitter. Then tracking all kids with giving out shalach mones. Then going to suadas and making sure the young kids eat in the big crowd coming and going. After all the fun we have to get home with tired babies and no help of dh because he is drunk and no where to be found. Is there any other way to do this? I'm starting to get stress just by thinking about all this.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 3:20 pm

chanee wrote:

First off, why do husband have to get drunk? And then nowhere to be found? I dont understand such dynamics. Is it not a terrible example that a father is setting for his children by getting drunk and being who knows where?

Other than that fact in your post, purim is a busy day.

smss

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 4:14 pm

it's busy, yes.
no comment on the drunk husband...that's a personal choice you'll have to make together with him.
prepare as much as you can in advance.

amother

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 4:20 pm

Let them get drunk! It's only 1 day in a year and if this is the way he enjoys it let it be

amother

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 4:28 pm

My sympathies, OP. Even with a sober DH, Purim is just a stressful day for all of us women. No alcohol to take the edge off, either, that's too unrefined. Rolling Eyes

It's basically like Simchas Torah. A men's holiday... But with the added pressure of getting so much done in one day.

zaq

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 4:45 pm

Skip the seudas--multiple?--and make a quiet family seudah at home with food you have mostly prepared in advance. Cut down on the number of people to whom you deliver MM, or give only to people who come to your door. Hand the packages to one of the children to "deliver" to the person at the door.
Warn your dh that if he dares get drunk and disappear on Purim, there will be seriously unpleasant consequences for him. I leave the consequences to your fertile imagination; make them serious enough that they will be a deterrent.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 4:48 pm

amother wrote:

My sympathies, OP. Even with a sober DH, Purim is just a stressful day for all of us women. No alcohol to take the edge off, either, that's too unrefined. Rolling Eyes

It's basically like Simchas Torah. A men's holiday... But with the added pressure of getting so much done in one day.

I really really feel sorry for you ladies who feel this way. Purim is such a lovely chag. I never thought of it as a men's chag.
We women are just as jewish as they are. And we hav to do all of the mitzvot just like they do.
Share responsibilities. Dont do everything yourself. And make this chag just as much yours as his.

Miri7

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 5:14 pm

We always host a big seudah. DC and DH love it. The whole thing sends me over the edge.

causemommysaid

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 5:20 pm

I like Purim. We give neighborhood people MM and don't run all over town giving. If kids want to give friends they give before purim. I also give teachers in advance. Hubby doesn't get drunk so we both take care of the kids and make sure they eat.

It doesn't have to be the way you describe.

zaq

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 6:04 pm

Miri7 wrote:

We always host a big seudah. DC and DH love it. The whole thing sends me over the edge.

Then don't host a big seudah. What is the point of doing more than the minimum required to be yotze if doing so makes you resentful of the mitzvah? Make a smaller seudah and send a bigger check to Matonos LeEvyonim.

There are only three things for which we are obligated to martyr ourselves: to avoid being forced into idolatry, bloodshed, and s*xual immorality. For everything else, ~~there's Mastercard~~ do what you must to be yotze and leave the embroidery to those who enjoy it.

amother

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 7:36 pm

Previous amother again.

Wonderful ideas, all, but when you're the responsible sane adult and your partner is engrossed in the spirit of the day, it's depressing to be the stressed out partypooper making rules and calculating dropoff routes and rebbe's schedules. (Yes, it has to be on Purim. They have to see the kids' costumes and no I am not dressing them up again on some other random day.)

And I don't even host a seuda - I just run around town to get to all the great/grandparents who all must see the kids on this one short day.

And naps don't happen, so cranky kids + too much sugar - helpful dad + stressed mom = Where's the fun and joy?

In my town I don't even get to wear a funny hat or have fun in any way, it's not tsniusdig... So tell me where's the joy in such a day. I dread Purim more than a fast day.

JoyInTheMorning

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 7:39 pm

All I can say is, it's worse if you also have to go to work.

imasinger

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 7:44 pm

Zaq, I love you.

Folks, it's all about planning.

You can control how your day is.

Yes, it means being a party pooper to your DH. Otherwise called getting him to act like a mature father and husband. He sowed his wild oats when he was single. Now, he needs to find his fun in a way that doesn't leave his DW and kids going crazy.

Any rav will tell you that you don't get to have fun at someone else's expense. Not even with Mastercard.

tag

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 7:51 pm

When my kids were younger, I left them with a babysitter from 4:00 in the afternoon

UQT

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 8:15 pm

I love Purim, yes it's wild and there are so many things to stress about, but I try to live in the moment. My nephews are trashing the playroom, I'll clean it tomorrow. Traffic stretching 4 blocks down - let's crack open a mishloach manos and eat something.

Be organized, my seuda is set the night before, costumes are laid out and mishlaoch manos fully packed. Then I just concentrate on enjoying the company of friends who stop by and visit family. DH is allowed to get drunk during the seuda, after he was fully present all day. My kids love seeing him drunk and it adds to our fun.

seeker

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 9:15 pm

chanee wrote:

Yes there is another way. Others have mentioned various ways already but here's mine:
There are multiple megillah readings in our neighborhood, so no running needed. I happen to have a relative local to take turns with going, but if I didn't I could switch off with a neighbor.
I tell my kid (only one old enough to really know the difference) to pick 2-3 people to receive mishloach manos. DH and I likewise choose approximately 2 people each. We stay local, generally giving to neighbors who are elderly or lonesome. It generally goes quickly and cleanly. There is still plenty of Purim spirit because even just going a couple of blocks away our neighborhood is busy enough that we exchange many greetings even without packages. At some point we try to cross paths with my DB&SIL and their kids, and there are a few minutes of hectic hyper craziness which doesn't bother anyone because it is the sound of kids having fun. Some sugar is usually consumed at this point. We have the seudah at home, usually without guests unless we know someone who doesn't have another place to go already - but generally there are so many people making big shindigs that no one's really interested in my boring family anyway. I don't stress about food, I just make something good that my family will enjoy, including something meat and a more expensive vegetable because it's yomtov. DH drinks a cup of wine, enjoys it very much, and does not become inebriated.

We generally try to squeeze in a visit to grandparents which is very tame and makes them very happy. I tell the kids that it is the best mitzvah of the day to make others happy. They enjoy having their costumes fawned over and usually receive some treats or money. We play lively music in the car on the way.

At the end of what has been a fun but not overwhelming day, I like to push us a bit over the edge to go to a cousin's purim seuda. It means a lot to them and me, and gives the kids a chance to experience the kind of leibedig, hopping Purim that you're probably used to. I couldn't spend a whole day like that and I don't think the kids would even want to, but for a little while I feel like it's nice. So we often do get home late, tired, and overstimulated, but only about less than an hour's worth of overstimulated rather than a whole day of craziness.

No worries about teachers seeing them in costumes, every school I have seen (and I work in schools so I have seen a bunch) has a day shortly before Purim that kids get to bring their costumes to school so the teachers/friends can see.

acccdac

Tue, Feb 24 2015, 11:10 pm

chanee wrote:

Purim day: The day starts with running to shull to hear the mgillah reading while someone is the babysitter. Then tracking all kids with giving out shalach mones.

My kids can choose 3-5 friends to give out and if one person is an outlier drop off I cross them off the list and my kids give them in school. This minimizes the driving and running around.

chanee wrote:

Then going to suadas and making sure the young kids eat in the big crowd coming and going.

Feed your kids before going to the seuda. Chicken fingers, hot dogs, yogurt, etc. They are not mechuyav in the mitzva and if they are old enough that they are then you shouldnt be running after them to eat. Worst case scenario they eat candy and only the dessert served and ze hu, they dont have a proper dinner. I promise you they wont be scared for life because 1 night out of the year they didnt eat a proper dinner. Plus my pediatrician says 2 proper meals a day is all a kid really needs.

chanee wrote:

After all the fun we have to get home with tired babies and no help of dh because he is drunk and no where to be found. Is there any other way to do this? I'm starting to get stress just by thinking about all this.

My dh doesnt drink. If he wants to he can and that means 2-3 glasses of wine, not liquor. Also most nights bedtime is done on my own anyways so if he wasnt around it wouldnt make that much of a difference. That is why I dont give a bath every night unless its necessary (my older kids MUST bathe every night and they do it on their own. My younger ones I gage on the day's activity. You can also do what I call a "fast bath" the child stands up the entire time, throw some soap on them, sometimes skip hair, and you are done in 2 minutes, or I would suggest not bathing at night but in the morning.

One more thing......if you want to know what stressed is.....try and do purim with a 12,9,5,10 month old, by yourself because your dh has to go to work right after he davens and hears megilla, and doesnt show up until 1-2 hours into the seuda and then as soon as you get home from the seuda he sits at the computer to continue working. (thats my life as an accountants wife, when purim is on sunday its a lot easier, I'm not complaining I know that from January-April I am usually on my own and any help my dh can give me or time he can spend with me is a plus. Oh and I somehow have to get my 12 & 9 year old to father son learning without the father there)

amother

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 3:01 am

I feel like people get themselves into a stressed out mode from the beginning..
It's starts with the coordinated MMs for 20+ people, and kids' costumes to match. That doesn't happen overnight because then you need a costume that starts with ayin and urgently (!!!!) a poem.

Now that you have done all this hard work, you need to 1) deliver the 20 MMs to 20 families (had you prepared 5, you would have been done in 30 min.); 2) show off your cute kids in their coordinated costumes because all the rebbes HAVE to see how the kids match the MMs.

And you HAVE to visit everyone and end up at a over-full seuda. Why? If it is your family they are supposed to understand that you have a busy day too, and maybe somewhere you draw the line, and whoever wants to see your kids, has to drive over to YOU.

I have decided long ago that purim is my holiday too. I host a seuda in my home, I invite guests and I get to decide what level of tzniyusdik is appropriate in my house. I am definitely buying wine for ladies.
I am making 3 simple MMs, and my kids choose 2 friends for whom they are making. My guests are contributing to the meal.
I don't expect my family from across the city to visit me. I call them and send pics of kids.
What am I missing?

chani8

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 3:14 am

No stress here. We do have to take turns going to hear the megillah, because of babies. But there are several options in the evening to hear the megillah. I like to take my kids to a mixed reading by college students.

In the morning we get up lazily and deliver shalach manos. We daven together as a family. Some time around noon we hire a reader to come to our home and read for our family. Then we have the seudah.

Nobody gets drunk.

etky

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 4:11 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Actually, if you think of it, the men are pretty peripheral to the holiday.
The women are the ones who get into the spirit of it way, way before - planning and creating MM - complete with themes and poems, making or buying costumes, cooking and baking for the seuda etc.
Women have to go to megilla too, and in our community we have womens' readings so any woman who wants to lein can do that too.
The men show up to shul and come to the table to eat (and drink...).
Yeah, I'd say that since so much of how we celebrate Purim capitalizes on 'women's skills' , it's not really a mens' holiday at all. They're actually more like a third wheel come to think about it. Maybe that's why they drink so much. They have nothing better to do since practically everything about this chag builds off of traditionally female talents.
So, OP- since they're at loose ends why not co-opt them into areas like child minding, cutting up salad, setting the table, straightening up the house, making MM runs to distant addresses (and how about taking Moishe or Sara along with you for the ride?), stuff that they can do while you run the show?

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