Bedtime is a NIGHTMARE! Help me!!!

amother

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 3:03 am

Bedtime keeps getting later and later here. The reality is that after school there is homework and there are after school activities (many of which are therapies and not just fluff) and dinner and showers, making sure everyone is brushing and flossing correctly, etc..... so not so simple to get to bed as early as I'd like them to anyhow. But it keeps getting later and later. Nobody is tired. Nobody WANTS to go to bed. Most of them, after whining about it for a couple minutes will go anyhow. But I have one who every night throws her head back and shrieks and carries on forever. I can't just lock her in her room. First, I wouldn't want to lock up a child, but even if I did she shares a room with her sister so it isn't fair to the child trying to go to bed. She demands another snack, another drink, read me another story, lay down with me..... the list goes on and on.... I just can't stand it. No bribes have worked. No punishments have worked. (She is 6 by the way). Now what????????

GetReal

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 7:32 am

I'm not an expert but it sounds like a bad cycle. I find that when kids are overtired they get a second wind and claim they aren't tired. How old are your other ones? I think when you pick a bedtime and stick to it, it will be hard at first but pretty soon they'll get used to the new routine.

I sit with my younger kids in the room so they don't pop out and look at me. I make an announcement, last call for a snack, and they know I mean it. We have cups upstairs so if they are thirsty they can get water without going down. Story is part of the routine. Once the lights are off they can read in bed or listen to a CD but no coming out. If they talk I remind them it's quiet time. They try to push limits and I try to stay calm and consistent. (doesn't always work but I try!)

Sounds like the activities after school are making things tough. I don't know what to advise on that Sad

Good luck!

Mama Bear

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 7:46 am

Dina Friedman's Bedtime Method! Works like magic!!!

Make a chart with pictures of all the things she needs to do before she goes to bed:

Snack. Drink. Bath-sometimes. Pajamas. Brush Teeth. Krias Shma. Negel Vasser.

When she's done, shet gets 10 minutes (make it five if you dont have that much time) of Mommy time. She gets to choose a game to play with you, or read a book together, shmooze- wahtever. It's just you and her.

After that, lights out. If she comes out of bed, or calls you, time is deducted from tomorrow night's mommy time.

Trust me, these kids love Mommy time so much they will do anything not to lose any time from it.

Hatzloucha!

amother

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 7:46 am

I found if kids ate supper about 3-4 hours before bedtime they are quite hungry and edgy because of it-so I made sure to give them some fruit nuts cookies etc. they need your attention and time even a few minutes relaxes them. sit on their bed have a conversation with them they'll look fwd. to bed time. If they can read let them read by a night light. I found bedtime extremely exhausting and sometimes we have to run out to simchas - if I took a nap before they came home I was so much more patient and relaxed

SingALong

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 7:56 am

After doing all the typical nighttime things that need to be done, shower, story, kiss good night etc. I get into pjs and into bed and tell whoever is still up I'm going to sleep and they get kinda bored staying up alone so they wander into bed. Only works if u pretend to be 1/2 asleep and mumble unintelligently every time someone comes to ask you something. Works like a charm. My kids hate being the last one up. Then when all is quiet I check they're all in bed ok. And then I can really go to sleep!

amother

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 8:26 am

TY so much for the responses.

Mama Bear, it sounds like a great system for MOST kids and I am certainly going to try it out, but I am only cautiously optimistic because punishments and rewards have not worked well with this particular child. 10 minutes is it and lights out does not mean she will stay in bed nor will she care that she gets zero mommy time the next night. Her strategy is to scream her head off until she gets her way. I do not give in to her, but DH eventually cracks and does, and meanwhile she is keeping all the other kids awake and making everyone crazy.

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 8:43 pm

Ferber has a really good sleep book and addresses having a consistent evening routine, ending with quiet time with parent in the child's room and then you leave them relaxed in their room. if my kids ask me after that for anything after that I give them the same boring response - "tomorrow", "we'll do it tomorrow", "you can have it tomorrow", "I'll answer the question tomorrow". eventually they get tired of hearing it.
I also suggest the book The Five Love Languages for Children cuz a child who feels loved will be easier to get to bed (and get to do everything else also!)
good luck!.

amother

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 9:13 pm

amother wrote:

have a talk with dh and tell him he MAY NOT INTERVENE with you. If he cant follow instructions how does he expect his 6 year old to do the same. If he needs to, he should take a walk or drive around the block until you tell him he can come back home.

Is it possible you can move the kids out of the room that she is in just until she gets the picture?

About locking in her room.......some may not agree but would you be willing to hold the door shut. Meaning if she comes out of her room the door will be closed, you will stay on the other side of it but hold the door shut. If you want the door to stay opened then you need to stay in the room. If you are screaming the door will be closed, if you want it opened you need to not scream (cause and effect)

You say she wont care about losing mommy time. But if she has it once and sees how great it is she may not want to lose it. (I would have an older kid help you out here, assuming there is an older kid, have the older kid come in during HER mommy time and say sorry sara I cant talk to you, its special time for mommy and chana right now. Have that daughter walk out nicely. This shows her that SHE is the most important person to you during this time.) Decide what SHE treasures. It may even be nail polish, spend the 5 minutes painting her toes, giggling, braiding her hair, let HER braid YOUR hair. Have special time. At the tail end of special time ask her what she would want to do tomorrow so you can prepare for it. Remind her that special time only happens if we follow the rules.

amother

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 9:51 pm

I would tell the 6 year old that putting her to bed is not possible when she does not cooperate. She will have to put herself to bed. Then follow through. Just keep repeating that there are rules for bedtime and since she doesn't follow the rules, you're not putting her to bed. At first she'll be thrilled and stay up crazy late. Go to bed before her. She may act out. Keep repeating that there are rules for bedtime.
Let her teacher know what you are doing, because your daughter will be tired. Too bad, she goes to school. If she went to bed nicely, she wouldn't have this problem.
Basically, she needs to own the issue and understand that without good behavior at night, she's going to be miserable. Unfortunately, she will make you miserable for a while until she learns this, but she will learn.
One of my kids was like this (that's why I'm another here) and this is how we got through it. Two miserable weeks, but it was worth it in the end. Rather than have a power struggle, we let the child own and resolve the problem.

amother

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 10:03 pm

Same another as above. I forgot to add that you will need to keep her away from the other kids so they can have their bedtime routine. Make it clear that she is not welcome during warm cozy story time because she can't follow the rules.

If both parents are home, one of you takes her away from the other kids. Keep explaining that she can't be with the others because she's not going along with the routine. I know this feels harsh, but she's old enough to understand that actions have consequences. Just because she is not tired is no reason for her to ruin things for everyone else.

Together, you can get through this.

chani8

Wed, Feb 25 2015, 10:15 pm

BA wrote:

This!!! Ferber and the love languages, an excellent combo.

I sit with my kids until they fall asleep or are close to it. No talking if they want me to stay.

Start the bed time routine early, too. Better to have them up at 6am fresh than running late and tired.