What gift did u give for s/o that took your child for 2 wks

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Forum -> Relationships -> Giving Gifts

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Mimisinger

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 4:37 pm

I understand this is all cultural. But to me it is crazy. I have had 3 c/s with no kimpetirum home, no baby nurse, no baby sitter. My husband was home when I was in the hospital or my mother or his mother was there. But that was just the first week. After the bris everyone was already home.

I think it's nuts to send your kids out for 2 weeks. And, it's harmful. ANd it's crazy. ANd unnecessary. IMO. Again it's cultural, but still cray-cray in my book.

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 4:40 pm

2ringsnow wrote:

So glad I live in a community where we help each other ! So glad I don't have to choose not to have more kids ! It's awesome!!
Wink

So glad I don't have the expectation to abandon my child. I'd never do it and it doesn't factor in to my family planning either.

PS why does it seem these groups give kids more credit for resilience than their moms? Seems they treat moms like tender little things that can't fast on "small" fast days ans need incredible kimpeturin care but the little ones can fend for themselves. Moms should stop being tender little feathers and do their job of not abandoning their children.

sheep

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:09 pm

You know, my mother once got very sick after having a baby, and she needed care for 6 months. So after being away for a few weeks, we had a live in nanny. We didn't see her more than once or twice a week.

How we hated that poor nanny. She was supposed to keep us busy and we felt that it was her fault we couldn't see our mother.

Guess what, we all survived and have a wonderful relationship with her today.

No one is abandoning their children. You do what you need to do to recover, and it's different for every person, and Hashem helps the family get through it.

Capitalchick

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:12 pm

I'm entirely unfamiliar with the practice of sending kids away when you have a new baby....But I imagine that, if it were me, I'd get the wife a spa package and I'd get the husband a really nice bottle of scotch....That would be the least I'd want to do!

Mimisinger

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:13 pm

amother wrote:

YES!!! The infantilization of both men and women! They're called girls and boys until they're married. The men learn and don't need to provide an income, the women have to be pampered with cleaning help, baby nurses, babysitters, and so many don't even make shabbos or weeknight dinner for their first year of marriage. I just don't get it.

kitov

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:21 pm

Mimisinger wrote:

Jealous?

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:36 pm

kitov wrote:

Jealous?

Heck no!!!

MagentaYenta

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:40 pm

Mimisinger wrote:

Thank you. I don't understand this. It's like prolonging adolescence. And what follows it is the outsourcing of responsibilities. And no Kitov, my feelings are not founded in jealousy. These forums are littered with wives who are ignorant of their own anatomy (outsourced to the kallah teacher), and men who have unrealistic expectations of housekeeping when multiple kids are involved. Trust me I'm not jealous of learned helplessness.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 8:04 pm

Wow. Just wow.

This thread is so disgusting and nasty, I feel like I need a shower after reading it.

So, what about mothers who bottle feed, and go back to work full time at 6 weeks? Are we going to start bashing them too? What about kollel husbands? Everyone loves to bash a learner, right?

Seriously. I've lost a lot of respect for a lot of you posters today. I hope it's just the fast that's making you grumpy, and you'll be back to normal soon.

causemommysaid

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 8:10 pm

I don't think its considered prolonged adolescence. Most kids get married at 18 in the chassidish world so its not so odd that they get help from family and friends. They are also expected to have large families so obviously they need a lot of help and support. Besides if everyone is expected to help each other than even if you are "farming out" your responsibilities you are getting someone else's. Its not a free ride.

I don't go for the sending kids away thing but don't pretend chaddish moms and dads are on easy street. they work just as hard as the rest of us.

supty

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 8:48 pm

Barbara wrote:

If your company meets the FMLA criteria -- at least 50 employees, etc -- you're entitled to paternity leave.

Not paid though

smss

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 8:56 pm

I didn't read most of the thread.
but - just because a woman needs help taking care of her children for the TWO WEEKS immediately after she gives birth, does not mean she wasn't ready for another baby.
women have historically ALWAYS been given help and support for the first couple weeks postpartum. I personally don't like methods of helping the mother that create separation between her and either the new baby or the other kids, but the idea behind it is very true, IMO. you need to put on your own oxygen mask first before assisting other passengers, and all that.

Mimisinger

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 9:57 pm

kitov wrote:

Jealous?

no. Sure I'd love some cleaning help every so often, but I grew up. THEN I got married and had children.

Terri

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 10:39 pm

Without weighing on the merits of different systems and cultures, I just wanted to mention that I have heard from both Dina Friedman and Miriam Adahan how until age 2 a child is building up his trust in the world and it's really important for them to have security at that time, with lifelong effects.

MagentaYenta

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 10:48 pm

supty wrote:

Not paid though

One has plenty of time when planning their family to save for the event and and eventualities. I gave birth before the FMLA, but at the time the company I worked for was very family friendly and they granted me (and any other employee who gained a child by birth or adoption) 8 weeks paid leave. As I said before individuals should consider how family friendly their employer is prior to starting their family.

2ringsnow

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 11:50 pm

wow! Instead of accepting and admiring all the chesed in our community some posters come here and accuse moms of abandoning their kids. I'm assuming they've seen moms send out their 2 year old on the cold streets with nothing to wear and tell them to fend for themselves, when in reality they send their kid to a warm loving home where there is a caring mom that will take care of their every need while they gain back their strength to be a better mom when the week or two is over.

zaq

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 11:51 pm

amother wrote:

.

I think imamother needs a new rule: indicate which community you're from to get answers that match those standards.

This. For all questions. Include location as well. Paris ain't Detroit ain't Jerusalem ain't Brooklyn.

pause

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 11:54 pm

MagentaYenta wrote:

Right. Wait for THE perfect job with THE perfect boss before conceiving a child? Most people I know who work are happy to have any job. They can't afford to be picky about the accommodations they will get for the two weeks after birth. They care more about being able to pay their bills. I'm sorry but you are sounding a bit removed from reality and high on your horse.

sweetpotato

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:01 am

This thread is like an awful, frum version of the mainstream "mommy wars." Why do we do this to each other? And on a fast day?

Jeanette

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:10 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Liked x100.

Of all ridiculous threads, this one truly takes the hamantash. I'm hoping it's a purim joke.

Haha, joke's on you! Let's see how we can spin a perfectly innocuous thread on appropriate gift giving into an open bash session on an entire community! Let's blow a non-existent problem into crisis-level proportions!

Putting on my straightest face, I'd like to point out a few things:

1. People are seriously misinterpreting the research on attachment. Children can and do bond with consistent, loving caregivers. They are being sent to close and loving friends and family members who reciprocate in kind when their time comes. May not be my cup of tea or yours, but these children are not being abandoned or developing lifelong attachment issues. Save your outrage for mothers who don't buckle their kids in properly, leave strollers outside of stores or send a six-year-old to the store with a four-year-old.

2. It's one coping method and support available to mothers. Other mothers have other coping methods or support systems that work for them, and that's wonderful! If they didn't have this particular support they'd probably figure out a way to cope, just as you could probably learn to cope if you didn't have electricity or running water.

3. I call nonsense on the argument that having 2 weeks of postpartum support makes women have children they couldn't otherwise handle. I do not send out my children PP and I can say honestly it has no bearing on my decision to have another child. Yes, it's nice to have help in the immediate postpartum period, but you still have all the responsibility right back on your shoulders two weeks later. And if the two weeks of help is the only thing that makes it or breaks it and enables the mother to cope with another child, then great, it's a system that's working.

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