Anyone ever heard of this? Sending MM to who you don't like.

Chana Miriam S

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:06 pm

I just heard this today. Sending MM to those you don't like or have a problem with. I actually did that in the past because my 12 step background includes praying for those you have a problem with that they should get everything you want for yourself daily until the resentment goes away....

Anyways, I read this but it is not one of the 4 things needed to be done on purim, it is maybe a minhag? Does anyone have a source for this?

morah

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:19 pm

Sounds like a nice thing to do, just so long as you keep sending to people you like as well. I'd hate for this to become a "thing" and have to wonder about the REAL motivation behind each MM I receive Wink

ruchelbuckle

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:20 pm

Sure.

Not specifically "people I dislike," but "people with whom the relationship needs chizuk." I know our shul Rav has spoken about this a few times in past years. (I don't want to post his name/number on a public forum, but if you PM me, I'd be happy to give you his number and he can tell you the source.)

All my BFFs, my kids teachers, the Rav of our shul, etc.....they don't need my mishloach manos. However, people who I don't get a chance to speak to so often, the mother that I kicked out of my carpool Wink

, the non-frum neighbor who I keep meaning to invite but never get around to doing so.....those people will appreciate it from me much more.

mishloach manos has developed into "a way of showing hakaras hatov." Now, I am all for hakaras hatov, but there are other ways to do so. I don't feel a need to give to all my neighbors, all the mothers my kids have playdates with, etc.... And I definitely don't bring to our Rav/Rosh Yeshiva/Principal. They don't want it and they don't need it.

P.S. I never kicked anyone out of my carpool!

Last edited by ruchelbuckle on Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:21 pm; edited 1 time in total

abaker

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:21 pm

Yes. I've heard of writing a list of those who you want to give mm too, and ripping it up. Instead give to those who you don't really want to give to. Or obviously you can give to friends as well as others who you'd like to skip over. It's to bring achdus. Because the Jews were spread out, this unifies us.

bezrasHashem1

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 5:31 pm

The idea of the mitzvah is to increase rayus, friendship.
In his sefer, sefer Chochmah U'Mussar, the Alter of Kelm, R' Simcha Zissel Zif discusses the idea of giving to those you don't like.

amother

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 6:01 pm

We sent MM to three people that are mad at DH. Who is the nicest guy in the world. But sometimes people take offense for various reasons. So we take this opportunity to try to be marbeh shalom verayus. In fact that's what I wrote on one of them.

In the past someone who was previously very angry was very touched by the MM. (DH is in a chinuch position and sometimes, unfortunately, it is necessary to take an action that the parents don't like. Etc.)

ruchelbuckle

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 6:24 pm

bezrasHashem1 wrote:

The idea of the mitzvah is to increase rayus, friendship.
In his sefer, sefer Chochmah U'Mussar, the Alter of Kelm, R' Simcha Zissel Zif discusses the idea of giving to those you don't like.

thanks for bringing the source!

FranticFrummie

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 7:16 pm

greenfire wrote:

it's a thought to consider ... but chances are people like that will find a way to make it into a negative thing ~ just sayin'

Agreed. I'm afraid that if I sent MM to people I didn't like, they'd think I was being passive-aggressive at best, or trying to poison them at worst!

I often send to people who I know have stopped going to shul, gone OTD, or whatever. I like to remind them that they are still loved and part of the family, and that I do think about them.

kelsorino

Wed, Mar 04 2015, 7:40 pm

I actually did learn a source in 9th grade. Not sure if it is an actual source or just a vort but the hebrew word Ehov (love) the shoresh (root) is Hav which means to give. By giving something youre giving something of your self (maybe just your time and energy) which will in turn create positive feelings towards that person. (Why we love our children and children love towers that they built and cry when they break) Whether or not that person appreciates the gesture you wont necessarily know but having negative feelings towards someone is always ichy and mainly hurts your self so it definitely cant hurt to try. Good job for thinking of this. I know I am personally giving someone who I don't like (be it begrudgingly but hopefully something positive will come from it)

amother

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 1:21 am

Last year, after we're married 8 years, my husbands ex sent MM to me through her kids - my step kids.
I was laughing how pathetic it was that it was so obvious how she was doing this after hearing this idea - she always avoids me at simchas, even when I come wish her mazal tov for her kids wedding etc.

Simple1

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 7:13 am

It sounds similar to the concept that if you resent someone, you should give them a bracha, silently in your heart. (I don't remember for sure who this is from, maybe R' Avigdor Miller?)

But like FF said, I'd be careful.

I do think it's nice to try to give to less popular people who may be lonelier on Purim.

imasinger

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 7:39 am

morah wrote:

I was thinking this, too. Imagining this:

"Oh, no, they sent us MM! What have we done to offend them?"

abaker

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 12:51 pm

Of course we don't want to tell people "I don't really like you, so I baked you a challah and here's some fruit, happy Purim" lol that would do the opposite of bringing achdus..so kind of like giving them a silent bracha as someone mentioned, you def don't want to tell them I'm giving you this since your not my friend.

Think of how they say to smile if you don't want to and eventually you will feel happy. Give a mm to someone your not friends with and it will bring about a friendly feeling (hopefully!)

Happy Purim everyone!

invisiblecircus

Thu, Mar 05 2015, 5:22 pm

If this is true I am so glad not to have received any mishloach manot! LOL

I have not heard of specifically giving it to someone you don't like, but I've heard of giving it to someone with whom you would like to strengthen the friendship or if you'd had a falling out.

By the way, if any of my friends are reading this, I usually give mishloach manot just for the mitzvah. Literally two foods to one person, so don't be offended if you didn't get mishloach manot from me! I learned that it is better to give more for matanot levyonim than it is to give mishloach manot to more people.