Help me love my child

amother

Mon, Mar 09 2015, 11:44 pm

My ADD daughter frustrates me so much. She obviously doesn't mean bad but I lose it with her. I feel awful about it but don't know how to change. It's so hard to deal with her impulsive behavior! I end up screaming at her and even hitting her our of sheer frustration. I am at my wits end. I wish she was more loveable. Loving my other children is so much easier. How can I develop love for this child who breaks my possessions and makes disastrous messes and does irresponsible stupid things??! I hate losing myself. I do have a hard time controlling my anger and I am the type who expects perfection. This is a test I am not equipped to deal with. I want to cry.

amother

Mon, Mar 09 2015, 11:57 pm

Been there, done that!

What helped me was therapy, mostly for myself, my sanity, my sholom bayis and my desire to want to love my child and motherhood. I actually have 1 ADHD, 1 spectrum and 1 ODD child.
The therapy for me was so I don't walk out and never come back or worse my DH doing so!
We can joke about it now as things have improved with time, meaning that kids are older, still need a lot of intervention and therapy, but I can leave a room and not think the room will be destroyed because I left.

An ADHD child who is very difficult to handle is even harder as the kid comes across as "normal" and obviously undisciplined with parents who either don't care or have no control.

I have had many scenes in public that I wish I can erase from my memory....

My "regular" kids are the ones who lose out the most as the other kids need so much more of time, energy and resources.

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2015, 12:35 am

Meanwhile I recommend Rabbi Orlowek's books. They helped me change my perspective on my very difficult child.

Also the thought that if Hashem chose you to be this child's mother, He has confidence that you are the best mother she can have! So you can do a good job, you just need to find the right tools.

Another thought I found very helpful - your child needs your love the most when they are being the least lovable.

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2015, 1:05 am

we all have one child like that.

what helps me the most is to tell him, "you know I love you no matter what, even while you are doing xyz. but it is my job to teach you the right way, but don't think it is because I don't love you." this way, I can discipline without feeling like I am not being loving, and without him feeling like I am not being loving.

the other thing that helps is to completely remove myself from the situation. sometimes I literally leave the room (don't do this if the child is hurting others or him/herself.) they will eventually outgrow the behaviors, it's just a matter of time. my husband and I sometimes jokingly say to each other, "just another 10 years to go......" (until he is an adult and our "time" is up.)

sending you major hugs. I think difficult children is one of the biggest hidden nisyonos.

Jewishmom8

Tue, Mar 10 2015, 2:10 am

I really understand. One of my kids is borderline ODD and its VERY hard.
I know I will always love my child but many times I don't like her at all.
I also feel that removing myself from the situation helps. Just going into another room. I think I am doing as good as a job as I can with her but its HARD.
I try to stay as calm outwardly as I can but many days I want to cry too.

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2015, 2:25 am

I think more then anything else it's understanding that it's the add causing it and not the child

the child is terrifica and extremely lovable - they just have adhd which makes them act in certain ways

I'm talking from experience as more then half my kids are adhd , one very extreme
and after years dh was diagnosed as adhd and now I understand things better.

I bought a bunch of books on ADHD as for me understanding the condition is very helpful and I can pinpoint that what the are doing is because of the ADHD and not bad middos or because they want to be irritating.

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2015, 4:50 am

First of all hugs. Many of us have a child like this Sad

One of our kids is both ADHD & ODD.
I guess you could say we (his siblings included) do not like him. We love him & want to help him but we do not like him.
He's verbally abusive, disregards all authority & irresponsible. He's 25. He's married to a great girl.
He's lazy & doesn't work or between jobs.
Nothing is his fault.
We always thought when he was younger he'd outgrow each difficult stage. He did . To an even worse one.
Things were ok when he took Ritalin, but he refused after 15. Therapy of all kinds helped in the therapists office only. Child Psychiatrists likewise.
Schools & Yeshivois- don't ask.
Currently I'm not talking to him. After his last abusive whatsap message.
I just can't take anymore. It's hard to love someone so unlikeable. His adult behavior makes his schooling seem like a tea party.
It's so painful but it's our reality.

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2015, 4:19 pm

We had this and it was a nightmare. Baruch Hashem we're light years away from those awful days. You will be too, one day, believe it or not.

Best thing you can do is parent training from a qualified therapist who can help you set limits so that you don't feel completely violated and trampled on by this child. If you are in Israel, Ayeka training is amazing, especially for impulsive ADD kids, but any kind of firm, limit-setting parenting classes, one-on-one with a therapist will be so valuable.

amother

Wed, Mar 11 2015, 8:53 am

Thanks for making me feel normal and validated. I will work on getting myself parenting help. I am very torn in regards to treatment of her add because I'm concerned that medicating her would just benefit me and my lack of self control in handling her. She is doing decently enough in school and the school doesn't recommend meds because her lack of focus isn't causing a behavioral disruption to the class, but I'm always thinking about it. It would make my life so much easier but is it worth trips to the psychiatrist and dosage adjustment experiments and side effects???

amother

Wed, Mar 11 2015, 9:21 am

amother wrote:

Yes it is as the side effects of negative relationships is way worse.

lizard8

Wed, Mar 11 2015, 10:23 am

After a hard day with my child, I like to go in her room while she is sleeping. I love watching her relaxed face muscles and listen to her breathe calmly. Giving her a kiss goodnight removes a lot of guilt from the day and makes me look forward to starting fresh the next day.

amother

Wed, Mar 11 2015, 10:51 am

lizard8 wrote:

Me too!
OP, there was one time in the last year that DH came home from shul on Shabbos morning and I actually said to DH about my son," I hate him, I really hate him."--
OP, I have two kids with ADD and even without the H, the impulsivety, the disorganization, the telling them to do something 400 times-- it's enough to break anyone.
Therapy with a regular child psychologist helped him, but the once a month sessions with her helped us parents even more.
My oldest is now 20-- and his ADD is much less obvious.
They grow up sooo quickly-- I know how hard it is, I really do-- try to control yourself-- they will remember your screaming/hitting, long after you remember the behavior that caused it.

greenfire

Wed, Mar 11 2015, 11:00 am

It's possible to hate what the child does or how they are destructive & feel frustrated & hopeless when they wreak havoc on your life ...

but love should always be unconditional & that is what gives you the impetus to deal with the insanity

amother

Wed, Mar 11 2015, 1:15 pm

greenfire wrote:

Spoken like someone who has never dealt with a child with add.
Love is always unconditional.
Sometimes you just have a really hard day.

greenfire

Wed, Mar 11 2015, 1:26 pm

amother wrote:

greenfire wrote:

Spoken like someone who has never dealt with a child with add.
Love is always unconditional.
Sometimes you just have a really hard day.

spoken like someone who likes to assume things she doesn't know ...

if this is a competition - I've dealt with way worse ~ I WIN !!! Hooray

now read my words again ... that unconditional love gets us through the impossible times