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Forum -> Working Women
Age of baby when you return to work? What's best for baby?
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 4:05 am
Here in Israel, it's common for many women to work up until their due date and then return to work when the baby is only 3 months old. It's not a choice for many women, whose families need the second salary.

But there are also many women here who do it by choice, as they value their careers and don't see themsleves as SAHMs.

I know of course everyone is different, but I really don't see this as the best thing for the child. If Mom is doing it because she's happier out of the home, then maybe it's better not to bring that child into that? Maybe Mom needs to overcome that difficulty and sacrifice what she likes best for the sake of her baby.

I know not everyone has this choice, but I know of many women who choose to and justify it with all sorts of reasons which at the bottom line just sound selfish to me. Maybe they have to work harder to appreciate being able to nurture their child in those early months? Maybe they need to give up on their annual vacation, iphones and expensive clothes?

Extenuating circumstances aside (like if a mother really cannot function well at home), I think it is overwhelmingly better for a baby to have their parent at home with them for at least the first 6 months, really at the very least. All these women frantically pumping milk so the baby gets breast milk but not from the mother just makes me feel sad for what the babies and their mothers are missing out on. I don't see how this isn't detrimental to the baby.

For those that don't have the choice, that's something they have to deal with. But I've heard way too many Moms say "I just couldn't handle being at home all day alone with a baby" Crying

What's the norm where you live?
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chouli




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 4:14 am
I am working part-time from home with a baby (mostly evening and night) so that I can be there for him and his siblings during the day. I send to childcare with 2 years. But then there are days, and sometimes weeks, when I feel like going crazy doing only household and baby stuff all day. But its also a mentality thing. Where I live almost everyone sends their little ones to childcare, even when not working.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 4:19 am
Where I live most people are as you described. I'm the odd one who is giving up on her career for now because I want to be with the kids.
So yes - I agree with every word you wrote though I realize this isn't the popular opinion these days.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 4:40 am
I totally hear you.

There's a Facebook Group for working mamas in Israel where so many of the women seem to either have persuaded themselves (as they have no choice, financially) that leaving their kids for long days in childcare from a very young age is a great option, or they really think that. It breaks my heart to think of these little kids being left 7.30 in the morning until 4pm every day. I really feel like these mothers just don't know (don't want to know??) what they're missing out on and what this will do to their kids.

We make major sacrifices for me to be able to stay home with my kids and I just don't see how anyone can really have a clue what's going on in their kids life when they're only there for them for about 2-3 waking hours a day.
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vicki




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 4:41 am
Wow. Your post makes me think you are very young or very immature. Most things are not black and white.
I don't know anyone who ever said "I prefer to work even though I have enough money to live on, because I want freedom and greater wealth over time with my child". Though there are some of all types, so I don't doubt someone, somewhere said that.
I know some women who cannot in any way, shape or form avoid work because the family will not survive.
But the vast majority of women I know can probably survive with tremendous stress without working but do not believe they are doing their best for their family with not working. They would rather be home or at least home more often.
Now, once the decision is made to have a semi-normal life by contributing to the families finances, a responsible woman will do her best to keep her job. And follow the rules of the workplace.
That means returning to work when the rules dictate she return.
Pumping (For the record, I didn't pump frantically, I pumped calmly) is a sacrifice that has a benefit to the child so some women choose to do this when possible.

Anyway, some things you say as if this was a choice, preferred by Moms everywhere is silly. Even obnoxious. We face a reality and we rise to the challenge.
If Mom is doing it because she's happier out of the home, then maybe it's better not to bring that child into that? Happier to be raising her children in a more stable environment because they know where their next meal is coming from.
Maybe they need to give up on their annual vacation, iphones and expensive clothes?
I think you are misinterpreting most people's financial situation.
All these women frantically pumping milk so the baby gets breast milk but not from the mother just makes me feel sad for what the babies and their mothers are missing out on. I don't see how this isn't detrimental to the baby.
Already dealt with this - but look harder. Do they have a roof over their head? No constant tension over groceries?

Oh, and our kids are just fine, thank you.
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 5:18 am
OP here

Vicki I am neither very young nor immature. You aren't recognizing that I acknowledge several times that for many women it isn't a lifestyle choice, it's for their financial security. That is not what I'm questioning.

I know many many women from all different places who actively choose to return to work when their kids are very little, because they WANT to, not because they need to. Some dress it up as 'need', but then they have fancy clothes, cars and vacations, so their 'need' is clearly not that of roof over head or food on table. Very few mothers are making a significant sum of money once you factor in childcare costs, so the extra that they are bringing presumably could be missed if they didn't have the latest electronics or go on vacation etc.

Many others dress up their 'need' as 'I needed to go back to work for my sanity'. All I'm saying is that I'm uncomfortable with this level of selfishness, which many (except those with actual clinical issues) could/should learn to overcome for the sake of their children.

I am absolutely not talking about those whose salary goes towards their rent, groceries etc, and I thought I made that clear in my OP.
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kb




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 5:26 am
Do you have kids? Do you work? Basically, who are you to judge???

Maybe no one should have children, because at some point or other they will have to be "neglected" for some other cause. Maybe everyone should only have one child because the second child will take some of the parent's attention away from the first child....

G-d sent me my financial situation, my personality, and my kids. If He thought it was a good idea to send them to me, why do you think differently?
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justforfun87




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 5:39 am
I would love to know how much money your parents/in laws contribute to your family each month.
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sleepwalking




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 5:56 am
Yup, We push our baby out, drop it of by a our live in nanny, go to work the next day (full time!) come back to our ready made hot meals prepared by our live in chef.

Oh and all this is because I loooove working and don't even need the money! My husband earns a salary in the 9 figures!!

Yes I'm pissed of right now Banging head Banging head Banging head Exploding anger Exploding anger
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amother


 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 6:09 am
calm down ladies, OP is not talking about women who really need to work. she made that pretty clear. she's talking about those who choose to for other reasons.
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Miri7




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 6:18 am
So it sounds like you're out to start a mommy wars debate here.

If you are so concerned about this topic, you should use your energies to advocate for change to the maternity/paternity benefits laws so that families are financially supported when they take time off of work to be home with a baby.

Try to do something that's helpful instead of passing judgment.
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vicki




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 6:32 am
amother wrote:
calm down ladies, OP is not talking about women who really need to work. she made that pretty clear. she's talking about those who choose to for other reasons.

I was responding to what OP did write, not to something she did not.
I was saying that while both extremes probably exist
1) extremely poor people who must work and work a lot and
2) people who absolutely to do not need to contribute to their household but would like to -
...
3) most women BY FAR probably lie somewhere in the middle. Since they calculate that their children's lives will be dramatically improved by their financial contribution, they then must play by the company rules to minimize their chances of being fired and set themselves up in a comfortable way as for planning for their future with that company.

And they also love their children.
I think OP is unintentionally putting category #2 women with category #3 women.
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thankyou




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 6:33 am
Forget mothers choices - that's a complicated debate. I think the problem is that as a society it's almost a given that mothers go out to work and leave their kids for a big part of the day.
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vicki




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 6:40 am
thankyou wrote:
Forget mothers choices - that's a complicated debate. I think the problem is that as a society it's almost a given that mothers go out to work and leave their kids for a big part of the day.

I think that if there is an "almost a given" it is that food, shelter, Yeshiva tuition, medical insurance, etc. cannot be afforded on only one salary. (if Daddy does not support, of course).
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esther09




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 7:00 am
vicki wrote:
I think that if there is an "almost a given" it is that food, shelter, Yeshiva tuition, medical insurance, etc. cannot be afforded on only one salary. (if Daddy does not support, of course).


Don't you get it Vicki??? It doesn't matter who pays your bills (Daddy, the government, relying on chessed) - if you don't stay home, as the OP said, "maybe it's better not to bring that child into that." Rolling Eyes

I am being snarky because that line, OP, is so incredibly judgmental. Who are you tell to someone whether or not they should bring a child into this world?

These Mommy debates are all fun and good but... they are so theoretical and silly. Because, look around, ask your friends. I have friends whose moms were home, I have friends whose moms had them during medical residencies and stopped to deliver and went right back to work within 3 weeks. ...no difference. No trauma, so psychological breaks, they are all happy successful adults. What is the point of posts like the OP??? If YOU don't believe in being a working mom, then YOU don't be a working mom. Maybe you should keep your children away from children with working moms, they might be a bit dangerous.
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nyer1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 7:02 am
As if we haven't had this debate before


Life and let live
You don't know any one else's situation
You don't know that it's detrimental to the baby
Most of us are happy with our choices and our lot
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Heyaaa




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 7:13 am
nyer1 wrote:
As if we haven't had this debate before


Life and let live
You don't know any one else's situation
You don't know that it's detrimental to the baby
Most of us are happy with our choices and our lot


Op doesn't agree that happiness should be a factor in your decision.
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saw50st8




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 7:28 am
OP, I'm curious if you are as judgmental towards the fathers who don't give up their careers to stay home and nurture their babies.

Technically, I could afford to stay home (my husband's salary has finally hit that point!) with my kids if I pulled them out of yeshiva. My husband won't let me home school or send our kids to public school so I "need" to work. Once I work full time, there are a few extras I want to have because working is really freaking hard. I was home with 3 kids 3 and under for almost a year and it was a cake walk compared to working full time. So yeah, judge me for having a smart phone which is a sanity saver for me.
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Heyaaa




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 7:51 am
Maybe op is a troll.

Her argument is ridiculous bec it's based on so many assumptions that she has no way of verifying, unless maybe she's an accountant for all these women she's referring to.

From the women I know, women who can afford to get nice vacations and nice clothes can do it (a) with just their husbands salary so they don't need to work or (b) they find ways of doing it for cheap so it's not as expensive as you might think.

You don't know how good someone is at shopping sales nor how many gifts they get every year nor how good they are at cashing in on cc points.

If a woman has ADHD she's allowed to leave the house if it's making her feel stifled. She's even allowed to get pregnant knowing that she will want time without the baby after the baby is born.

Once a woman is going out to work, she should pick a job that she feels enhances her life, (whether bec the benefits, or bec the salary, or bec the hours, or bec the prestige, etc) and should not pick a career based on what judgmental ppl like op think. Bec judgmental ppl will think things no matter what.

Btw I'm a sahm so I'm in no way justifying my life choices. If anything the happiest time I was since I had dd 18 months ago, was when I took a 5hr/day 5d/wk course for a month.
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lfab




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Mar 12 2015, 8:22 am
3 months is short?! shock Here in America you only get 6 weeks. If your company qualifies you may be able to get 12 weeks but it's unpaid. When I had my first 2 kids I was still in school and couldn't miss too much class. I went back after 4 weeks and 3 weeks respectively. I was considered lucky because both times fell out right before a break so I got a little extra time. Other women in my program had to come back after only 2 weeks. No it's not by choice. And with my next 2 I only got 6 weeks maternity leave and it was totally unpaid so I had to get back ASAP otherwise bills would go unpaid. I wish I could get 3 months of leave! The few women I know who don't have to work but choose to anyway are not working full time so they are not sending their child out for that many hours a day.
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