Age of baby when you return to work? What's best for baby?

amother

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 5:44 am

I'm old enough that my kids are starting to leave my nest.
And I thank G-d that over the years, I had my job and other interests that I can turn to now. I only ever worked part time, and spent loads of time with my babies. I was always home when they came back from school. I don't believe they were neglected. And I feel no guilt whatsoever that at different times, they were left with loving capable adults while I persued my own interests, either professionally or otherwise.

Of course, once you're a parent, your children become your over riding first priority. But you don't lose your humanity just because you're a Mommy. You can, and probably should, find ways to fulfill yourself (and your relationship) too. The kids won't be there forever, and what will you be left with then?

If that makes me selfish, so be it.

acemom

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 7:04 am

Here is another perspective:

I have come to the realization, that some people would rather be "judged" by others about their life choices than be pitied.

In a community where having a big family is the norm, I know 2 women who would rather imply that "we are taking a break, blah blah" than admit that they are having fertility or other health issues. The pitying glances and comments are harder to bear than the judgmental ones.

The statement I need to work for my sanity.... could merely be an excuse, when the real reason is We can't afford life, although you think we are comfortable. As hard as it is dealing with judmental people, not everyone wants to advertise their financial status and be pitied.

Barbara

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 7:15 am

amother wrote:

Here in Israel, it's common for many women to work up until their due date and then return to work when the baby is only 3 months old. It's not a choice for many women, whose families need the second salary.

But there are also many women here who do it by choice, as they value their careers and don't see themsleves as SAHMs.

I know of course everyone is different, but I really don't see this as the best thing for the child. If Mom is doing it because she's happier out of the home, then maybe it's better not to bring that child into that? Maybe Mom needs to overcome that difficulty and sacrifice what she likes best for the sake of her baby.

I know not everyone has this choice, but I know of many women who choose to and justify it with all sorts of reasons which at the bottom line just sound selfish to me. Maybe they have to work harder to appreciate being able to nurture their child in those early months? Maybe they need to give up on their annual vacation, iphones and expensive clothes?

Extenuating circumstances aside (like if a mother really cannot function well at home), I think it is overwhelmingly better for a baby to have their parent at home with them for at least the first 6 months, really at the very least. All these women frantically pumping milk so the baby gets breast milk but not from the mother just makes me feel sad for what the babies and their mothers are missing out on. I don't see how this isn't detrimental to the baby.

For those that don't have the choice, that's something they have to deal with. But I've heard way too many Moms say "I just couldn't handle being at home all day alone with a baby" Crying

What's the norm where you live?

Studies have shown that the worst outcome for a child is when s/he has a judgmental bee-yotch as a mother. And it doesn't matter if that judgmental bee-yotch works outside the home or not.

All images in your mirror, OP, are much smaller-minded than they appear.

amother

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 7:44 am

Another perspective:
I work full time. In my area of expertise part time work is nonexistent. My husband can NOT be a stay at home parent. He would become suicidal. But his income was not covering our expenses (and still isn't) so I am working. With his minimal salary and my very decent, but necessary, salary we were able to afford more expensive clothing and other luxuries. However, if I wouldn't be working we wouldn't be even be able to cover our mortgage, forget buying second-hand clothing from a thrift shop.
So, op, should I work to keep a roof over our heads and at the same time take advantage of the luxuries I can bh afford or should I quit to be home with my kids and possible end up homeless?
My point is, just because someone is working and has luxuries does not make the salary an extra. It could very well be a necessity but is large enough to also offer luxuries.

OOTforlife

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 8:28 am

Yes there are women who work by choice because they value their career and do not see themselves as SAHMs. I am happy to admit being one. I work full time, even though I don't need to work at all. My husband works full time even though he does not need to either (as long as I am working).

Marriage in the United States is growing increasingly assortative by education and income. Thus, women who are in the best position to be a SAHM (those married to professional higher-earning husbands) are also disproportionately those best equipped to pursue a demanding career.

4eyes

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 9:18 am

amother wrote:

All I'm saying is that I'm uncomfortable with this level of selfishness

Well then it's a good thing that you live your life and they have theirs! You don't have to be comfortable with that nor is it your 'responsibility' or 'burden' to spend any time considering and passing judgement on what others do!

Despite your concessions that some people "need" to do this, for whatever reasons you feel are justifiable, anyone else whose reasons do not fall within your parameters should be vilified because YOU feel it is not the right choice for THEM and THEIR family?

Jeez. Whatever happened to respect for others?
You never know what is going on behind closed doors, despite what the appearances may be.

Oh and good job on posting as amother...

mommyla

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 9:24 am

amother wrote:

Many others dress up their 'need' as 'I needed to go back to work for my sanity'. All I'm saying is that I'm uncomfortable with this level of selfishness, which many (except those with actual clinical issues) could/should learn to overcome for the sake of their children.

I am absolutely not talking about those whose salary goes towards their rent, groceries etc, and I thought I made that clear in my OP.

I am a WAHM, and have not worked outside of the home since my oldest was born. I was a SAHM for a while, too, until we needed another salary and I started working from home. My kids stay home with me until they're almost 3.

That being said, who are you to judge?! What I do works for me, what you do works for you. I can totally understand the need to get out of the house and to have a job.

"I needed to go back to work for my sanity" is indeed a need, and totally UNselfish if you ask me. Many moms truly cannot spend all day with a baby or toddler. I'd say it's a lot better for a baby to be cared for by a loving and patient babysitter and a mommy who has patience for him at the end of the day than to be stuck at home with a mother who is resentful of "having to" stay home with him, bored, and itching to get out and be with other adults. I know I've had that feeling many many times, and it's totally justified.

It all boils down to MYOB. Why is it your concern what other people's motivation is to work outside of the home?

21young

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 9:38 am

I'm going to start another hot debate and I'm not sorry because you brought this upon yourself.
So let's say you sacrificed your financial comfort for the noble cause of being home with your kids, while I, terrible mother that I am, work to support my children. Because you made the choice to be a SAHM you are now on every program available, which I am funding. Now that bothers me more than my lifestyle bothers you. I am spending precious time away from my children so that I can pay for your luxury of staying home. I'm glad your children are so wonderfully well-adjusted because you stayed home with them, they also now grew up with a rotten sense of entitlement while my children know the value and the satisfaction of working hard to support yourself. Good job, amother.

(If you're not on programs because your husband or daddy support you, you're even more judgemental than I thought. And if you can tell me that you comfortably live on one mediocre salary, you're probably lying.)

amother

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 11:02 am

wow! I'm happy for op that she posted anonymously as I'm about to do, as some of the replies here are really mean. Op specified women having babies and going back to work by CHOICE. Statistics do show that kids are better off with SAHMs and I do believe that because I see the amount of patience/energy I have left for my kids on the days I work (I'm self-employed and love my job) vs the days I don't. It's not a perfect world but let's not kid ourselves and be in denial just because we want to feel good. At the end of the day, kids ARE probably better off having a SAHM

amother

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 11:06 am

21young wrote:

Why are you assuming that becuase I'm a SAHM we are on any programs at all?
I'm one of those mothers who choose to be home for the kids. We do not recieve money from parents or the goverment. Yes- this exists.
We give up on a lot of things because we need to make ends meet with one salary. So far it's doable. If it gets impossible I will have to find a job. It's as simple asthat.

That said, I think OP was referring to a very specific type of a working mother. It happens to be I live near some of thm so I see her point. But it's still their choice, their kids and their lives.

amother

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 11:16 am

What about the FATHERS??? Anyone ever say, well we have enough money so why is the FATHER going back to work. No its always put the guilt on the mothers. Put the guilt on the women. Women should stay home and raise a family while the men need to work and bring home the "bacon."

Well GROW UP and look around, OP. Men are just as responsible for their children's well being. and if OP feels so strongly about the need for children to be with their MOTHER for, mind you, at LEAST 6 months, then I hate to think of the state of her marriage, and life, where she, and all women of course, is simply there to carry babies and raise them. I am surprised that OP knows how to read and type. What? You went to school and were educated? Why? I don't believe that helps you to be a stay at home mother, because what other type of mother could there possibly be? Welcome to this century.

Perhaps mothers "justify" (and why do they need to justify at all, mind you) going to work because they simply WANT TO and simple minded "women" like OP make them feel they need to give an excuse.

Guess what? Kids are often BETTER at day care, where they can learn to socialize at such a young age. Where they can be exposed to germs and can get immunity at young ages, so that when it comes to grade school they are not out sick the first few months. Children, especially babies often do better with individualized attention of a paid caregiver over the unpaid mother or *gasp* father.

Children are often better with fathers around who care, children are often better with mothers around who care. Each child is different and I know that my children are thriving with the care they are getting and had as infants. Do you know that your are? I hope so, but don't you dare look down upon the mother AND fathers choices to hire a caregiver for their infants. You, OP, you are the one who needs to be in a daycare and to see the experienced care given to our infants and toddlers. You OP, need to go to preschools and see the joy our kids get at seeing their friends. You, OP, need to read, since unfortunately you know how to, before you bash a choice since you can not open your simple mind to understand.

Stay at home mothers do an amazing job raising their children, as so Stay at home fathers, and work away from home parents. We all do our best for our children. That's why we had them and choose to keep them, for that is the only choice that makes your a parent, your choice to raise your child as you see fit.

mha3484

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 11:26 am

I will say this under my own name and please forgive any judgmentalism, it is unintended.

A word of advice to all of you who say you will go back to work when you need the income or your kids are bigger. Good luck. I read resumes all day long and people with large gaps on their resume don't get attention. You are better off working part time or even less but working consistently.

You also pay into social security benefits by working which entitles you to death and disability benefits chas v shalom.

nyer1

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 11:48 am

I think to answer the question in the most simple way,

there are many mothers out there that crave intellectual stimulation or are driven and truly passionate about the careers they choose. they are passionate about helping others and using a specific skill set that they have acquired that can be used on the job.
others like a break in the day and feel that they can be a BETTER mother to the children by spending a significant portion of the day outside the home.

nothing wrong with that.

MagentaYenta

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 1:08 pm

Ah mommy wars. Ok I'll answer on topic. My DD went back to work with me at 3wks. At 6mos her father became a SAHD until age 5 when she went to school. Adults work hours were arranged so that there was a parent home to make breakfast and send her off to school and also home at the end of the school day.

What's best? How the heck do I know, she's not a mass murderer, never been in trouble and now coming close to the top of her profession. I know what worked for us. Parents get to make these choices privately. Seems folks who are judging parents prefer to do it as Imas.

amother

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 1:13 pm

nyer1 wrote:

I agree with this. I stayed home with my son for 2+ years when he was born. Going back to work was the best decision I made. I love learning and being stimulated, and I spent years in college getting my degree. At a certain point it was getting really hard for me to be at home, with no intellectual stimulation and adult interaction. Not everyone is cut out to be home with babies all day and that doesn't mean they shouldn't have any kids. If it works for you great. No need to judge.