Age of baby when you return to work? What's best for baby?

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 2:38 pm

People do what they have to do, and the babies should get born.

If you can stay home, stay home. There are ways of not vegging out; part time work, that kind of thing. Especially with all this remote working and learning these days, all these electronics.

You get a calmer kid later.

You tap dance from one foot to the other. A little here, a little there.

Going back full time at six weeks happens but I don't have to like it. It happened to me, actually. I was the baby.

Going back at three months I consider soon. But you can't have people starving and evicted.

There are ways of starting your own business and also of taking the kid with you to work.

One tries.

Is it selfish for a well-provided for woman to go back full time, early in the story, purely as a choice? Selfish? Are you kidding? She is going to pay later. If she is being selfish, she is not doing a good job of it. She will pay.

MagentaYenta

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 3:07 pm

amother wrote:

Wow so much venom against op. it makes you wonder if it comes from a place of insecurity.

I know exactly what op is talking about, I know many moms who cut maternity leave short to go back to work, get live ins even for weekends when they're home so they can have breaks from their kids. They freely admit that its because they cant handle being home with their kids. I think its hard to deny there is some selfishness in this.

No one is talking about women who need to work, which is the vast majority of working moms.

So what? MYOB unless you want to be forthcoming and reply with a name and give us some extreme details on your personal budget and parenting choices.

kerida

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 3:30 pm

Best for baby is a happy mother, I do not mean tra la la happy, but content and comfortable with her life.

For me it was being a sahm, one of my kids had special needs so lots of appointments and therapy input, my dearest friend has a busy career. She has helped me out by giving me good advice and a priceless friendship. I am a lawyer by training but never used my qualification, my best friend uses her qualification to enrich her family's finances and plan for their future. I greatly admire her achievement, not easy to do. We do not judge each other. She has raised her child to be an exceptional role model to my children.

I only judge those that upset and distress their kids. I like living in a world where people have choice and diversity, I think that is good for baby too.

manhattanmom

Thu, Mar 12 2015, 7:31 pm

amother wrote:

Here in Israel, it's common for many women to work up until their due date and then return to work when the baby is only 3 months old. It's not a choice for many women, whose families need the second salary.

But there are also many women here who do it by choice, as they value their careers and don't see themsleves as SAHMs.

I know of course everyone is different, but I really don't see this as the best thing for the child. If Mom is doing it because she's happier out of the home, then maybe it's better not to bring that child into that? Maybe Mom needs to overcome that difficulty and sacrifice what she likes best for the sake of her baby.

I know not everyone has this choice, but I know of many women who choose to and justify it with all sorts of reasons which at the bottom line just sound selfish to me. Maybe they have to work harder to appreciate being able to nurture their child in those early months? Maybe they need to give up on their annual vacation, iphones and expensive clothes?

Extenuating circumstances aside (like if a mother really cannot function well at home), I think it is overwhelmingly better for a baby to have their parent at home with them for at least the first 6 months, really at the very least. All these women frantically pumping milk so the baby gets breast milk but not from the mother just makes me feel sad for what the babies and their mothers are missing out on. I don't see how this isn't detrimental to the baby.

For those that don't have the choice, that's something they have to deal with. But I've heard way too many Moms say "I just couldn't handle being at home all day alone with a baby" Crying

What's the norm where you live?

Do you know what makes me CRY? Posts like this. No joke.
As if we all only have the option to stay home. I have a 10 month old now. When my oldest two were born I was a very part time graduate student and was home a lot. Fast forward a few years, I've been working. My -husband is also working--he's working 2 jobs! we're finally putting some money in savings and have built up a decent credit score. We are working towards obtaining a mortgage, buying a home and settling down somewhere. If I left my job I'd be giving that up to. We would have no health insurance. We wouldn't be able to pay full tuition that I'm proud to be paying now.

Of course, I'm struggling with working full time and having a family. I rush home every day, do a school pickup, get the baby, nurse her, bring everyone home, make dinner, homework, (thank goodness for baby carriers to wear the little one through the evening routine.) my husband comes home when kids are all in pajamas already....Get everyone into bed, pump again, pack everyone up for the next day, never have a second to do anything for myself--ever. (I'm not at a desk job and sometimes I don't sit down for a single second all day...) I would love nothing more than being home all day long cuddling, breastfeeding, washing my floor and folding laundry during daylight hours (because I'm STILL the only person who does it now, it's just done late at night.)

So yes, OP. In my circles, it's the "norm" to take care of your family. And deep down I know that I'm doing that. I wish I could work part time, free-lance, or not at all. But I just can't afford to (and I'm not talking about being able to afford a vacation destination or a new shaitel--because I still can't afford that!) For the sake of my family's well-being I can't afford to stay home. And when people anonymous to me make assumptions about working mothers like that it makes me in my vulnerable state, just cry.

heidi

Fri, Mar 13 2015, 6:13 am

amother wrote:

I'd love to take off a long time after each birth. I live in Israel too and I get 6 weeks unpaid (1099). But I work from home now so it's a bit easier.

Don't you legally get 14 weeks??
OP, I am with you all the way-- and proud to post under my screen name. I agree that children should be with their mommies at least until age 3, if at all possibly financially.
That said, I went back to work when my youngest was 10 months old bcz. I love what I do and since I had much older children I knew how fast he would grow up and I didn't want to be left without a job when that happened. I went back part time, kept him home with me on every day off, and still feel guilty many years later.
For the record, he seems perfectly fine.

21young

Fri, Mar 13 2015, 7:26 am

amother wrote:

Why are you assuming that becuase I'm a SAHM we are on any programs at all?
I'm one of those mothers who choose to be home for the kids. We do not recieve money from parents or the goverment. Yes- this exists.
We give up on a lot of things because we need to make ends meet with one salary. So far it's doable. If it gets impossible I will have to find a job. It's as simple asthat.

That said, I think OP was referring to a very specific type of a working mother. It happens to be I live near some of thm so I see her point. But it's still their choice, their kids and their lives.

As I stated, most SAHM moms are: 1) supported by daddy 2) supported by DH bringing in a good money 3) supported by the government. If you do not fall into any of these categories you are part of a very small minority. Now I direct this at OP - you accuse me of depriving my children? The poster above clearly stated that "We give up on a lot of things..." There may be lots of stress in the household due to financial difficulty. That's depriving the children of their emotional well-being.
Oh, and why are you amother?

happybeingamom

Fri, Mar 13 2015, 2:40 pm

amother wrote:

I'm currently a sahm and I do see some of what op describes though perhaps she was a bit harsh. There has been plenty of sahm bashing in this thread as well though.

My one question is since it's really a more recent innovation for women to work outside the home what was it like in the old days? Were so many women unfulfilled then by being home as well?

I don't see it as a new innovation, woman have worked throughout the generations. Their have been wet nurses, nannies, care takers, older siblings watching the little ones.

My great grandmother in the 1800's ran a store and she had help with her children. Many women helped their husband in their businesses, my grandmother did that.

Today at least women are getting paid for their work.

Heyaaa

Sat, Mar 14 2015, 11:43 am

amother wrote:

They had to kasher their own chickens, after personally bringing it to the shochet to get it slaughtered. They did their laundry by hand and, in some cases, by the river. Most things they wanted to do had to be done by sunlight because they didn't have electricity. Etc.

They didn't have extra time to feel unfulfilled.

Ruchel

Sat, Mar 14 2015, 12:50 pm

For centuries already some ladies sold in the market, had a shop, sewed for selling, moneylending... read the aishes chayil! Or rebbetzin Dulce of Worms' hesped.
You also had non working ladies with maids (often non Jewish, yes! there is enough rabbinic literature on that) who didn't much "play on the floor" or whatever the concept is on Imamother :p

There are women who go nuts at home, especially in areas there is no other sahm or no culture of playdates and every sahm at home not seeing an adult not talking to anyone. I moved to a very frum area hoping to escape this, even discussed this with a rebbetzin who was like "yeah, no culture of playdate, very individualist". My husband discussed it with a rav who said "they're all in their corner, on the internet" LOL!!!

Maybe OP is in countries where the support is big enough for women to have a very long maternity and not work when unwell pregnant etc etc, and also to live on one salary or survive on none… ftr it’s getting harder even there, as money is running out.

That said it’s a really good choice to move OOT, buy cheap home, and homeschool the older ones, instead of FT working out of the home with a small child (one, say, not schooled). And some decide to rely on outside help about tuition or whatever. It’s a choice they make. It's bashed but it's a choice one can make.

Those who want to encourage the sahm system need to encourage THINGS AND PLACES for those sahm.

manhattanmom

Sat, Mar 14 2015, 8:21 pm

amother wrote:

I think some were. But even in the not so distant past women who stayed home were not stay-at-home- mothers. They were called housewives. They didn't play with their children much but tended to their homes. Even just watching tv shows from that era--mommy wasn't outside playing with the kids or even supervising much...She was preparing meals and polishing silver.
I KNOW I'd love to be a stay at home mother today and I also know I'd have been a miserable 1950s housewife.