Standing up for my baby. help me be assertive!!!

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Barbara

Sun, Mar 15 2015, 2:08 pm

amother wrote:

If I understand correctly, you've asked her twice, and your husband has asked once that she not give your child anything but mama milk, yet she continues to feed him solids.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result. Other than standing over her all day, you clearly can't 'make sure your wishes are being carried through'.

As I see it, you have 3 options:
1. Live with the fact that she's not going to respect your request.
2. Find another childcare situation.
3. Speak to her supervisor.

You have lots of reasons why you don't want to do any of those options, but the methods you've tried clearly haven't worked and aren't likely to work in the future.

Sometimes we don't get to pick between a good option and a bad option. Sometimes we have to pick between a bad option and a worse option. I'm sorry you've found yourself in this situation.

Actually, OP has not yet told the sitter not to feed her child solids. The first time, her husband said "we prefer to start him on solids at home." Which isn't saying "No," and isn't even saying that they haven't started him yet. Even the second time, she just asked what he had and said she thinks he's young for solids. That's not a "No," and the sitter isn't hearing a no.

OP, you need to say, "we understand that there are different theories, and certainly respect your experience, but we have decided that Baby is not to have solids until he is at least 6 months old." You've affirmed her experience, you haven't told her she's a bad person or mother, but you've made your decision clear. The answer to "but other kids ..." or "but I always ..." is simply "we understand, but this is the decision that we've made for our baby." If she claims he's hungry, point out that there was more breast milk available, and she should give him that. If she refuses, then say "we've heard your position, we'll be talking to your supervisor about whether it will be necessary to remove the baby if you're unwilling to follow our instructions."

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Mar 15 2015, 2:15 pm

Barbara is right.

" she gave him one day and notified us after. " That is not the action of a person who knows they are doing something you don't want them to do.

"I got really upset" only means you got upset at home.

So yes, Barbara is right. Good catch, Barbara.

This issue may not be a blanket rule, but may differ from kid to kid, depending on the kid's size, metabolic rate, growth spurts, and all that. Some things are blanket rules, and some things aren't.

Anyway, you haven't even told this woman anything clear whatsoever. If she were disregarding your instructions, she wouldn't have so calmly told you all about the apples and bananas, with a calm demeanor. She would have fudged or lied or something. She's not doing any of that.

I would say let the ped decide, who knows your particular kid and has seen him in the last few months and has his chart.

amother

Sun, Mar 15 2015, 2:29 pm

Barbara wrote:

exactly, I said I never told her assertively. the point of my post was asking advice how to convey my message and decision to her. she isn't an evil bbsitter who is doing things behind my back. she wants the best for her charges, just her opinion of best I disagree with.
so thankn you, this is the perfect advice I was looking for, how to say it...
now my question is, my dh takes baby in the morn. and there is a diff. caregiver there wen I pik him up. so do I call her and say this or send a note with dh? I can't ask him to convey the message himself, because I don't believe he will be assertive enuf, as I said he is the timid respectful type. so am I, but wen it is a matter concerning my kids I will say wat needs to be said, I just felt I need some backing and advice how to say it. so thanks all esp. barbara!

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Mar 15 2015, 2:40 pm

This woman who HAS seen a million babies may have made a judgment that he would do well with solids. She is interested in him, looks at him a lot, sees his moods, and she might have a point. Ask the ped.

She's no ped, but an oldster does acquire valid experience with long observation.

Don't be doctrinaire. Ask the ped.

amother

Sun, Mar 15 2015, 2:42 pm

Dolly Welsh wrote:

I disagree. she also believes breastmilk is insufficient nutrition. it is an older school of thought...

spikta

Sun, Mar 15 2015, 3:07 pm

I totally agree with Barbara. And as an Israeli I want to add that sometimes it's just a different language.
I was once asked to do something by an American employer: How about doing x? Maybe it would be best to do x. I heard - you can consider doing x, but it's up to you. What they meant was - Do X. I felt really bad when I didn't do X and discovered that they thought I was outright ignoring them, when I just totally misunderstood the request.
Bottom line, keep it simple, it's most likely not a conflict, just a misunderstanding.
Hi metapelet Shprintzi, how are you this morning? Listen, I spoke to our doctor and he said it's best if we wait with the solids till 6 months at least. So no more solids till we say so ok? Great, see you tomorrow!
If you don't feel your husband will be able to say that, then call. Or even just message or whatsapp if you do that with her.
Bonus points if you call her mami Smile

mebs

Sun, Mar 15 2015, 3:10 pm

You have to be very direct.

"I don't want you to feed my child solids until he turns 6 months old.
...
I understand that the other children enjoy it, but that is not what I want for my baby. Please do not feed him any solids until six months."

You don't have to argue with her, but you *do* need to state your position very clearly or she might not understand what you are saying, especially if your hebrew is not perfect.

Dolly Welsh

Sun, Mar 15 2015, 3:11 pm

amother wrote:

I disagree. she also believes breastmilk is insufficient nutrition. it is an older school of thought...

"she is from an older generation where I guess they thought bf doesn't fully satisfy babies "

That is only what OP assumes she thinks. We know her age, but we have no idea what she thinks of breast milk. She never said anything like this.

"I guess", is OP talking, not this woman.

OP remarks this is her second kid put in this woman's care and OP was happy how it all turned out last time.

greenfire

Sun, Mar 15 2015, 3:49 pm

I'm a 52 [I think Scratching Head

] year old, nurturing mother ... I might think your baby wants to eat ...

but I would NEVER give someone else's baby FOOD if they are exclusively breast feeding

she has no respect for your requests & she thinks she knows better than the mother ... to me that is grounds for not sending my baby there - beginning & end

Think1st

Sun, Mar 15 2015, 4:00 pm

You are the parents, the only humans who are responsible and are authorized to make decisions regarding your child. Anyone else however well meaning, the government, your MD or parents, can give you information, that's it .You know if the child is content, and developing. What would happen if a child would have a serious allergic reaction ? You can put it writing in polite but firm instructions.

chani8

Mon, Mar 16 2015, 2:24 am

My advice is to just let it go. She needs a happy baby in her care and this is what she thinks will keep the baby happy. It's always easier to bottle feed, so it's not like she's neglecting the baby, she's actually doing more than necessary, trying to help. Tipat chalav says 4 months for solids, so she has them on her side, too. Could it be that your baby was fussy and acting hungry?

groovy1224

Mon, Mar 16 2015, 7:31 am

amother wrote:

I know that you're the non confrontational type, but honestly OP, you keep defending her! You weren't clear, she really is sweeter than you originally said, it's just a difference of opinion, etc. You're not her lawyer. She's a big girl. She won't go cry in a corner if you tell her off. And you're a mom now-you need to stand up for your kid. This won't be the last time something like this will come up..in a few years you'll be in as park, and some kid will be throwing sand on your kid while his mom yaps away on her phone. Do you watch, getting uncomfortable? Do you wait until she finishes her phone call? You can't always worry about people's feelings when your child's health, safety, or well being is in the balance! Sometimes you need to step our of your comfort zone, and unleash your inner mama bear! That is part of motherhood! (And fatherhood, for that matter!)

You don't have to be mean, but make it clear that she is NOT a third party on this decision. If she feels that the baby is acting fussy or hungry, she can ask for more breastmilk to be sent the next day. Tell her you love the way she watches the children, and you would hate to have to talk to the supervisor about it, so she should please respect your directions. Don't use words like 'we were hoping' or 'we want.' Be firm, and matter of fact. 'my husband told me that shloime ate a bowl of fruit yesterday. I thought I had made it clear that he was exclusively breastfeeding. I know you want what's best for him, so please in the future, only feed him the food that I provide. When I decide that he is ready for solid food,I will provide it.' End with another positive, and done. A little uncomfortable, but like I said, ages a big girl.

kalsee

Mon, Mar 16 2015, 8:25 am

אל תתני לה אוכל- רק בקבוק של חלב אם.
תודה

Think1st

Mon, Mar 16 2015, 9:26 am

chani8 wrote:

Since when is babysitters need higher priority than baby's health ? Who cares what Tipat says thehy can change their mind like we change baby's diapers. AMOTHER is always the child's primary caregiver the buck stops here.

Medical myths come and go

http://www.washingtonpost.com/.....2/10/feds-poised-to-withdraw-longstanding-warnings-about-dietary-cholesterol/[b]

The 1-2 year EBF may soon be the norm, baby (junk) food companies may not ejoy that

chani8

Mon, Mar 16 2015, 9:36 am

This woman isn't just the child's 'babysitter'. She is the baby's caregiver. How many hours a day is Baby in her care? She is an important person in the life of the baby and the family, too. She is not a servant. She has a say.

Think1st

Mon, Mar 16 2015, 9:57 am

chani8 wrote:

The more time a person spends with our child, the more important it becomes that we are on the same page. If it is MY child the more you are getting paid, all the more you should feel obligated to please me not yourself

Besides the fact that the "best" baby food comes nowhere close to mothers milk, when you compare protein to carb ratio, medium chain triglycerides,etc.

Barbara

Mon, Mar 16 2015, 10:04 am

chani8 wrote:

Wrong.

She is not the most important person in baby's life. Baby's parents are the most important people.

The caregiver is just that. Someone who is paid to care for the baby for a certain number of hours a day. She has no say in how baby is raised, or what baby is fed. If she doesn't like the parents' decisions, she can refuse to watch the baby. But that's her only option.

m in Israel

Mon, Mar 16 2015, 10:15 am

amother wrote:

I think you should send a note. That way, you she has it in writing, you can show it to an Israeli friend in advance to make sure it is clear and unambiguous, and there are no misunderstandings. I like what Kalsee wrote -- clear, to the point, no apologetics or vagueness. This doesn't need to be a federal case -- a letter like that cannot be misunderstood, and I doubt any respectable metapelet would point blank ignore such a direct instruction.

chani8

Mon, Mar 16 2015, 10:15 am

I didn't say the caregiver is the most important person. But don't minimize her as a paid servant. If she is with the child many hours a day, she is a vital person in this child's life. She will play a vital role in teaching the child to trust and bond.

As well, she makes decisions all day about how to best care for your child. Feeding is just one of them. Ideally, she'll listen to you and do what you want. But you aren't there to advise her about all the other things she does for your child. Food is your way to exert control over her. To 'show her' that you are in charge. It's a power struggle. In this case, she thinks giving only mother's milk isn't enough. You think she has to listen to you. You are being demeaning to her expertise, and you feel she is undermining your 'control' as mother.

The best way to handle this is to discuss things. Let her know her opinion is important to you. And then, perhaps the best way to trump her, is to get a doctors order for only mothers milk for now.

Iymnok

Mon, Mar 16 2015, 10:25 am

Chani8, the problem is she's to timid to express any control. She's scared of the mitapelet. She's asking for advice how to express what she wants to the lady that's clueless due to op's fear.

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