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Techniques you found helpful to not potch
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amother


 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 5:09 am
Please post whatever you did that helped you learn to not potch your kids and parent in a better way. Looking for been there done that and this is what worked.

thanks

(signed) need help
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 5:18 am
123 magic is great. It really worked for me. Even if I don't always follow it to the letter it definitely helped me get in the right frame of mind.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 6:11 am
Intervene asa you get annoyed. Don't wait to explode
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amother


 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 6:11 am
Zehava wrote:
123 magic is great. It really worked for me. Even if I don't always follow it to the letter it definitely helped me get in the right frame of mind.

Not op but-
What is 123 magic?
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amother


 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 6:12 am
A rubber band or some other reminder on your potching hand, to click your brain back into rational mode.

Trying it now, I'll let you know how it works...
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 6:14 am
how would you feel if someone 'potched' you ... perhaps a little unloved

don't make your child feel that vulnerable - especially with their parent
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 6:21 am
I once got really close with my teens (when they were younger, like 7 and 10). I told them I was really upset at their behavior, and that they should consider themselves potched. I guess it was better than really, actually hitting them.

Best technique for me, is to go to another room. Take a few deep breaths, calm down, and then go and deal with the situation.

Also, I have told my child that if they cannot behave around other people they will have to go to time out for the number of minutes of their age. Like - if this behavior continues you will have to be in your room for 6 minutes.......
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amother


 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 6:22 am
Watch super nanny! I learned so much and it really helped me.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 6:25 am
If you're starting to feel angry, speak quietly

works amazing for such a simple tip
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 6:39 am
amother wrote:
Not op but-
What is 123 magic?

It's a method. A really simple one. Amazon has the books and DVDs. It's 10$. Worth every penny.
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4eyes




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 6:49 am
I agree with everything Chayalle said.

Also I remember as a child getting a potch always just made me angry. It didn't happen especially often, but I always felt more ashamed of whatever misbehaviour I was guilty of when my parents calmly and seriously told me of their disappointment in me/my behaviour. The verbal expression of disappointment in me motivated me to improve behaviour. Children have an innate desire to please!

As a parent, I find reserving the "serious voice/tone" for serious situations works better than yelling or when it is used more frequently.

Also, I'm not a "holier than thou" person but maybe try and pause before acting even removing yourself to another room. Think of the tzelem Elokim in your children. Remember the times they spontaneously show you affection or do/say something cute or thoughtful. Maybe that could help get you in a calmer more loving discipline state of mind than a reactive angry state of mind.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 6:55 am
A potch should be the absolutely last resort, and only delivered when you are not angry at the child only at the bad behavior itself. It also should be age appropriate and more shocking then painful. You should also be calm and not venting your frustrations at the same time.

what merited a potch in my home:

One child age 4 throwing a sharp metal toy at the head of another sibling, causing the other child to bleed.
( and this was after numerous warnings and reprimanding and punishments by sitting in the corner)
After the potch, the said child never threw an object again.

99% of the time, we discipline by taking away privelages, early bedtimes, or just a cold hard reprimanding. Also we talk to them also in a non demeaning way, telling them "You know better than to do x, y, z" instead of "You should know better". Each reprimand is custom tailored to each child. One punishment does not work for all children.

Thank G-d we do not have to punish often, often a warning will do the trick and then life goes on.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 6:59 am
Same amother as above,

We also dont threaten with potches. Again, its the last resort,
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SingALong




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 7:38 am
when one of my kids act up and don't stop after 2-3 verbal reminders from me, then they need "private alone time" to think about what they did and when they are ready to come and be with the family. for older kids they need to go to their room for 10 minutes, if they don't listen they lose a privilege. fro my 4 year old who will never volunteer to go to private time (just another phrase for time out) I have a small mudroom off the kitchen and the door between the mudroom and kitchen gets closed while she's in there. its well lit, heated and safe, but boring since no toys just coats and boots. she needs to stay there for 2 minutes until she's ready to behave with the family. she usually needs to go in there after hurting a sibling or me. I try to do this instead of potching. I find it an appropriate consequence for behavior. if you can't get along with people, you need private time.
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wantavaca




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 7:45 am
Definitely going to a good parenting course gives u plenty of alternatives and grounds u....
Even so, last week I found myself warning my daughter to run away bec I feel like I'm gonna potch her. She was dumbfounded bec I never potch. I got to at least express how mad I was to her without actually doing it.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 7:59 am
Have a system that you use. It can be 1-2-3 magic OR anything else that appeals to you and has a clear, concrete plan. Having a plan makes you feel more in control. Potching and yelling tend to happen when we don't know what else to do, we feel like we have no choice because we're out of ideas. Having a clear plan of what to do in any general discipline situation avoids that feeling 99% of the time. You KNOW: first we do this, then we do that. Instead of "don't potch... but then what?"
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chani8




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 8:09 am
I'm an ex-potcher.

The solution is to direct a child to do what you want them to do, not punish. Just stop punishing. You'll increase your child's self esteem. And have a happy home.

Accept that children are human beings who don't have to listen and do everything you tell them to do. They can say no. That teaches them to not be a victim.

Let your child have as much control over her life as is safe. Let her have a say in making rules, in making the house run smoothly.

I like the book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, and How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and The 5 Love Languages for Children.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 8:23 am
chani8 wrote:
I'm an ex-potcher.

The solution is to direct a child to do what you want them to do, not punish. Just stop punishing. You'll increase your child's self esteem. And have a happy home.

Accept that children are human beings who don't have to listen and do everything you tell them to do. They can say no. That teaches them to not be a victim.

Let your child have as much control over her life as is safe. Let her have a say in making rules, in making the house run smoothly.

I like the book, The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Families, and How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and The 5 Love Languages for Children.

I think this is a nice philosophy in general, but try as I might I can't understand how it works when kids really misbehave. I think my kids have a lot of control over their lives, a lot of flexibility, a lot of positivity, but still sometimes they do things like hit and kick and that is not something I think should be accepted or "don't have to listen"ed about. There need to be rules, and there need to be consequences for breaking the rules, and what is the alternative to punishment for a child who hits and kicks? And yes we have taught plenty of alternative ways to communicate nicely, sometimes they just get into a hitting/kicking mood anyway, they don't WANT to communicate nicely, it's just a thing. I have not figured this one out yet.
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amother


 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 8:34 am
I was a child of a "potcher". I put it quotes because I only have about 2 memories of being potched.

The main one that sticks in my head went like this. I was sitting on the stairs. I remember talking to my mother but I dont remember what it was about or why. I remember her slapping me across the face. I remember running upstairs to my room and getting up against the bathroom mirror to see her hand on my cheek.

I love my mother and I dont judge her because parenting is hard.

However, I NEVER want my child who I carried for 9 months, cuddled, etc. to feel what I felt. I think about that when the thought crosses my mind.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Mar 20 2015, 9:05 am
Staying in control of the situation helps. Being prepared with alternatives also does. For example, kid spills milk on the floor on purpose-what will have a better affect in the long run: either asking her to wipe it up nicely or giving a potch?
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