Techniques you found helpful to not potch

chani8

Sat, Mar 21 2015, 2:41 pm

seeker wrote:

I think this is a nice philosophy in general, but try as I might I can't understand how it works when kids really misbehave. I think my kids have a lot of control over their lives, a lot of flexibility, a lot of positivity, but still sometimes they do things like hit and kick and that is not something I think should be accepted or "don't have to listen"ed about. There need to be rules, and there need to be consequences for breaking the rules, and what is the alternative to punishment for a child who hits and kicks? And yes we have taught plenty of alternative ways to communicate nicely, sometimes they just get into a hitting/kicking mood anyway, they don't WANT to communicate nicely, it's just a thing. I have not figured this one out yet.

Thanks for saying that first sentence so nicely. I probably sound like a permissive parent who lets kids get away with murder. But I'm so not. I'm organized and premeditated, that's all. I don't have a lot of rules. Instead, I safety proof my home and shalom proof situations. And I'm constantly assessing and adjusting to keep things flowing smoothly.

Kids hitting and kicking may reflect being over-tired, over-stimulated, possible expressive language issues, and sometimes hunger. Understanding why the behavior can help to prevent it, so always reflect back and ask yourself, Why? and What could I have done to prevent that? That said, you can't always predict or prevent and some kids have issues, so it's good to have to plan of action.

Physically hurting another person is a red line for me, so I deal with it swiftly, firmly, and physically. I step into the middle of it and restrain the violent child. That includes taking the shoes off a kicking child. While physically restraining the child, I would say, "we don't hit (or kick), we don't hurt." Of course the child will say, 'But you're hurting me. Get off me. Stop holding me. Let go of me." To which you respond, "I'm not the one hurting and kicking. I'm stopping you. Get control of yourself so I don't have to control you. Let me know when you're in control of yourself."

Then, ASAP, use distraction to help diffuse the child's rage. "When you're ready, we can go get a drink of milk. Do you want a drink of milk?" (or whatever you can come up with to distract the child from his anger...go color, go eat, whatever.) I use distraction as a tool, a lot, even with big kids. When my teens are arguing loudly, I distract them, often in an obvious manner. They usually get my hint and accept the distraction with relief.

But before a stressful situation becomes ugly or violent, jump in and direct. If you see tempers flaring, help them. For example, with two teens today, I got in the middle of their not-yet-loud argument and reflected/rephrased what each one was saying, which helped them feel heard, and modeled a tool (reflection) which hopefully taught them how to communicate a little more effectively.

I usually let kids work things out between themselves. But for a child who resorts to violence, or even screaming too much, in my opinion, that child is 'screaming' for help. So be alert and attentive and prepared to intervene, using stressful opportunities as teaching moments, teaching through your active participation. Interject in a way that gives hands on examples/advice. Be a mediator, a mirror, a distractor, a communications advisor, whatever fits. Don't lecture, instead show how you'd handle it, in a 'real' and down to earth way.

Prevention and intervention often reduce the need for punishment. Note, that if you have to restrain a child physically, that is already enough punishment. Even if they hurt someone, you're 'hurting' them (restraining) was the punishment.

I've been a bit wordy. I hope I made some sense to you. I think my parenting style and philosophy is somewhere to be found in attachment parenting. With the twist of having to deal with emotionally disturbed children.