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Wants to be a Girl!
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 7:31 am
3.5 year old DS wants to be a girl. This has been going on as long as I can remember, probably for the past year and a half IIRC. He's always putting on skirts, tights, asks me to put bows in his hair etc.

Now he's been crying all day that he wants me to buy him long hair and a hairband and he WANTS to be a girl. He cries and tantrums about it and it's driving me insane.

I generally allow him to wear all that girly stuff in the hopes that it'll fill his need so that eventually he'll move on. He wears a layered skirt that I once wore for a wedding, for him it drapes the floor and he's so proud that he's a kallah... he also wants a veil and will wear my bandanas. He can wear it every day! It's totally an obsession but the tantruming now is totally getting to me. He went to cheder this morning kicking and screaming that he wants to go to the shop to buy long hair........

What am I to do? Anyone else been in this situation?
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 9:36 am
Wow I really feel for you.
That is a hard challenge.
B'H I never had that with any of my kids but I could tell you what I think I would do.
by the way, does he have older siblings? Is he an only child? what does your husband say/think? you didn't mention.
I would ask him why he likes these things. is it the texture? Is it the colors? then I would provide a dress up box with all things girly and old shaitels etc and tell him that the box stays in the basement and he is welcome to play and dress up but only in the basement. since 3 is pretty young, I wouldn't be too worried. chance are he'll outgrow it when peer pressure kicks in... but still. good luck.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 9:41 am
Try buying really great boy toys , cars etc.. & talk about how much fun it is to be a boy.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 10:56 am
amother wrote:
Wow I really feel for you.
That is a hard challenge.
B'H I never had that with any of my kids but I could tell you what I think I would do.
by the way, does he have older siblings? Is he an only child? what does your husband say/think? you didn't mention.
I would ask him why he likes these things. is it the texture? Is it the colors? then I would provide a dress up box with all things girly and old shaitels etc and tell him that the box stays in the basement and he is welcome to play and dress up but only in the basement. since 3 is pretty young, I wouldn't be too worried. chance are he'll outgrow it when peer pressure kicks in... but still. good luck.


OP here. DH and I are not really 'worried' yet, per se, but it is very frustrating!
Forget dress-up box in the basement, he wears them all the time... only around the house of course. He goes to my cupboard and drags out my skirts, finds my thigh highs and wears them, brings me ribbon to put in his hair. Honestly, we allow it all (although over the top sometimes...) but the tantrum'ing about it does concern me.
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JMM-uc




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 11:05 am
Sounds so familiar Smile

Does he have a sister he's jealous of?

DON'T WORRY! he's a baby. It will pass, I promise! When he's older he won't even want to hear these stories, he'll be embarrassed Very Happy

Handle his tantrums same way you handle any other tantrum. You're doing great!
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Heyaaa




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 11:07 am
Why does he want to be a girl? Does he have female relatives/classmates who are more spoiled? Does anyone tell him that boys are bad?

It could be he sees himself as a girl or it could be that he sees how girls are treated and he wants that treatment.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 12:01 pm
OP here. Thanks JustMeMyself, I know he's a baby hence I'm not really concerned, as I said it's been going on for practically forever so it's frustrating and comical at the same time.

JustMeMyself and Heyaa, for the record, he has no sisters, only brothers. Very Happy I think it's his mom he'd like to take after...

It would just be great to hear from others for the reassurance.
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nywife




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 12:10 pm
When my sister was younger (4-5), I remember her having a stage where she only wanted to wear pants and yarmulkas. She outgrew it but at the time it was a little strange.
3 is very young. If he were older I would be a little more concerned. I would say let him play with dolls and if he wants to wear a dress in the house, why not? By pushing the "boy things" to an extreme it can actually have the opposite effect. It could very well be that he's had a lot of positive interaction with women ( is babysitter a woman? Grandmother? Sisters?) that this is comfortable and familiar to him.
I would wait it out. He's 3. If this is still going on in a few years I would take further action.
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sequoia




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 12:53 pm
Remember on Friends when Ross was upset that his son Ben played with a Barbie? And then it turned out that when Ross was a little kid, he would dress in girls clothes and sing, "I am Bea. I drink tea. Won't you dance around with me?"

Don't worry Smile It's normal
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MagentaYenta




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 12:58 pm
amother wrote:
Try buying really great boy toys , cars etc.. & talk about how much fun it is to be a boy.


I would guess you were joking but you posted as anon. so you must be serious. I wish I could fabricate a serious reply but I'm laughing too hard.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 1:29 pm
personally I would not encourage any of those dressing like a girl things ... you're making it seem like it's okay for a boy to have ribbons in his hair

instead get embellished yarmulkes & baseball caps and fun coloured clothing

maybe you are living your wishes of a daughter vicariously through him ?!
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 2:21 pm
My son is 3 and he likes to wear nail polish. He sees me putting it on and he wants it too. I let him wear it because I don't think he understands the difference. He just sees it as something cool and fun that mom does. Although I get comments from other people why do you let him wear nail polish? I don't see it as an issue. He also likes pink. It honestly doesn't worry me.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 2:34 pm
greenfire wrote:
personally I would not encourage any of those dressing like a girl things ... you're making it seem like it's okay for a boy to have ribbons in his hair

instead get embellished yarmulkes & baseball caps and fun coloured clothing

maybe you are living your wishes of a daughter vicariously through him ?!


OP here. I don't encourage it at all. I also often tell him that only girls wear those things and since he's a boy he can't really wear that. I just sort of pretend not to notice.

On another note I do sometimes get this niggling worry (and guilt!) that perhaps he's confused as I was wishing for a girl during the pregnancy. I very seriously hope not. Now that he's my boy I would't want it ANY other way and no, I haven't actually bought him any girly stuff, it's either what he's taken from my cupboard without permission... seriously he even tried to put on my bra and underwear lol... or ribbons from gifts etc. nothing girly has ever purposely been purchased for him.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 2:36 pm
greenfire wrote:
personally I would not encourage any of those dressing like a girl things ... you're making it seem like it's okay for a boy to have ribbons in his hair

instead get embellished yarmulkes & baseball caps and fun coloured clothing

maybe you are living your wishes of a daughter vicariously through him ?!


THIS

You do no one any favors by indulging this. Very kindly, teach reality. He is not going to escape his male reality so teach it.

A boy with a lot of brothers may feel he has no special distinction among them and want to differentiate himself. Being a girl would sure do that. He needs to be an individual, and all the other distinctions are taken. A distinction must be invented for him, by his father. He isn't oldest, youngest, strongest, coolest, smartest, or cutest. So some title must be assigned him.

If he IS youngest, that's not enough. He needs some badge of pride as a male. He can't be Wimpiest. That would drive him to prefer being a legit girl than a second-rate boy. A youngest is smallest and might sort out as Wimpiest when the parents aren't looking.

He is now miserable because you didn't nip this in the bud. Charming.

I am not for nail polish on boys. This will get him weird looks, ridicule, and just different treatment, which can be extremely subtle. It changes the water temperature around him.

His mistake in wanting it is natural: he is supposed to eat, walk, talk, say thank you, exactly like his mother, so why not this too?

The mistake was to let him see you putting it on. Painting is very interesting. If you want to draw a crowd, get an easel and paint on the street. You will have fifty people watching. Painting is magic.

The thing to have done is not let boys see you doing your girl stuff. Ever.

Do your nails when they are asleep. If you need to go to a salon, leave the boys with someone else. They shouldn't go in there. They will get used to it and they must preserve their sense of the strangeness of places like that.

Don't do your wig or your hair or any girly thing in front of your boys.

Of course they think they should imitate you. Of course it's fascinating.

LOOK at the pain you can cause: just re-read this agonizing, sorrowful, post. Horrible.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 2:43 pm
OP work on your own attitude.

I cannot see how a little boy would know how to put on a bra if he had never seen his mother in a bra.

Ladies, do not parade around in front of your sons in lingerie no matter how young they are. At one day of age, ladies, treat him like a male. This will stop any bad habits right at the beginning.

OP stop with the guilt. The guilt is still THINKING ABOUT IT. Put the whole thing out of your mind.

As DAMAGE has already been done, you are going to have to play catch-up and confiscate quickly and skillfully any gift ribbons and you are going to have to put a latch high up on that lingerie cupboard. And you are going to have to be very delicate about it all: no getting severe or that will fixate him even more strongly on this forbidden fruit.

Simply have the other men in the house do more with him. He needs to get a home over there.

Do NOT treat him as your little Special One. If you feel this one is your last kid, that can create a disastrous Special Crown on him and that will cost him dear with his brothers.

You won't always be there to protect him.

Careful.

Enlist your husband. But without telling it all, just keep handing this boy to your husband. Murmur " he needs more male attention " without explaining why. Your husband will get the point.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 2:55 pm
OP here. It's not like it seems Dolly... Firstly, I never actively gave him or did anything girly for him. The nail polish was another poster. Secondly, he had NO idea whatsoever how to put on a bra, he just knew it was an item of clothing so asked me to put it on. He didn't even know where it goes.

I feel that emphasising his boy'ishness and refusing him any girly pretend play is counter-productive so rather than actively being pro or against it I choose to allow it by pretending not to notice. He enjoys his cars and other boyish stuff, it's just the dresses he enjoys too.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 2:58 pm
Dolly Welsh wrote:
THIS

You do no one any favors by indulging this. Very kindly, teach reality. He is not going to escape his male reality so teach it.

A boy with a lot of brothers may feel he has no special distinction among them and want to differentiate himself. Being a girl would sure do that. He needs to be an individual, and all the other distinctions are taken. A distinction must be invented for him, by his father. He isn't oldest, youngest, strongest, coolest, smartest, or cutest. So some title must be assigned him.

If he IS youngest, that's not enough. He needs some badge of pride as a male. He can't be Wimpiest. That would drive him to prefer being a legit girl than a second-rate boy. A youngest is smallest and might sort out as Wimpiest when the parents aren't looking.

He is now miserable because you didn't nip this in the bud. Charming.

I am not for nail polish on boys. This will get him weird looks, ridicule, and just different treatment, which can be extremely subtle. It changes the water temperature around him.

His mistake in wanting it is natural: he is supposed to eat, walk, talk, say thank you, exactly like his mother, so why not this too?

The mistake was to let him see you putting it on. Painting is very interesting. If you want to draw a crowd, get an easel and paint on the street. You will have fifty people watching. Painting is magic.

The thing to have done is not let boys see you doing your girl stuff. Ever.

Do your nails when they are asleep. If you need to go to a salon, leave the boys with someone else. They shouldn't go in there. They will get used to it and they must preserve their sense of the strangeness of places like that.

Don't do your wig or your hair or any girly thing in front of your boys.

Of course they think they should imitate you. Of course it's fascinating.

LOOK at the pain you can cause: just re-read this agonizing, sorrowful, post. Horrible.


I'm the nail polish mom. In a perfect world I can avoid doing my nails in front of him but I don't have much time alone. And when I do, I will do other things that really need to get done. Our boys live with us and they will see mom getting ready for work etc. this is unavoidable. But I appreciate your perspective. My son is very boyish in other ways. And I actually don't model very feminine behavior to him. I'm a tomboy myself so I have no idea where he gets this from. If he's seeing it as a fascinating arts and crafts, now that makes sense! Why does he like pink? I have no idea. But like I said none of this ever bothered me.
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amother


 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 3:07 pm
I wouldn't worry too much. Some boys like color. They have very boring clothing compared to ours, and it's interesting because it's different. My brothers liked letting me dress them up when we were all in preschool/kindergarten- they're perfectly normal, masculine men now.
Kids at this age are barely starting to understand gender, period, nevermind societal gender constructs. Colorful clothing, or painting nails (when your parents probably don't let you color on yourself with magic markers as you might like) are attractive to many kids of that age, with absolutely nothing to do with gender.

(anon to protect my brothers in case anyone knows my sn)
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4everonadiet




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 3:11 pm
Dolly I don't know if you're right. My youngest is a short little boy and we always laugh how naturally macho he is. When he was two years old we had a small daycare at home with both boys and girls. The little girls used to clamor for lip gloss and my bandanas while he and the other boys wouldn't even glance at it.
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Heyaaa




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 22 2015, 3:12 pm
amother wrote:
OP here. Thanks JustMeMyself, I know he's a baby hence I'm not really concerned, as I said it's been going on for practically forever so it's frustrating and comical at the same time.

JustMeMyself and Heyaa, for the record, he has no sisters, only brothers. Very Happy I think it's his mom he'd like to take after...

It would just be great to hear from others for the reassurance.


It's possible he's craving attention from you. Or that he loves you and wants to be like you. Maybe he thinks you and dh want a daughter so he thinks he'll be your daughter.
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