Wants to be a Girl!

amother

Sun, Mar 22 2015, 10:59 pm

Rodent wrote:

Just do the opposite of whatever Dolly says. Such terrible advice. It's that type of approach that results in people with genuine s-xuality or gender issues taking their own lives (the statistics are shocking). I'm not saying this child is in that situation as he's still so little but it is dangerous. Just love him as he is. It's likely a phase but if it's not then address it with professionals at the point when it is no longer age appropriate.

It also results in ppl who don't have genuine gender issues to now feel like they have to convince ppl that they have it, and in doing so they begin to convince themselves that they have issues.

It also turns it into a form of rebellion for the kid which makes them idealistic about the gender issue, even if they don't have a genuine issue.

Btw when I was younger I wanted to be a boy. Really badly. The difference is when a girl acts like a boy, no one notices so I was able to be a tomboy and no one cared. I grew out of it when I had my first kid.
For a couple years in elementary school I really thought god made a mistake by making me a girl. I thought god made me a boy and then he forgot to give me a peeper. And then I grew up. I can't say I think women have the better end of the deal in terms of genders, but I gave up wishing I was a boy.

noosheen

Mon, Mar 23 2015, 2:17 am

I agree with dolly on a lot of what she says ie redirect his interests gently.
And I feel like op is downplaying her original concerns now. But if it were MY child I would not wait to check things out.
Our gut feelings are usually right (In my experience anyway). And again, if the op wasnt concerned she wouldn't have posted to begin with.
I'm sorry but I don't think this 3.5 year olds behavior is so typical. To me it sounds like it is getting more of an obsession with him. Tantrumming to buy long hair???? Why should that be so important to him?
Right now he is verbalizing and communicating his desires to you.
Listen to your child. There will be a time that he will stop as he will see there is no point to express himself as he will feel unheard and at that point It is far worse.

amother

Wine

Mon, Mar 23 2015, 4:14 am

Question - I didn't read through all the posts so maybe I missed something. But does your son have a good relationship with your husband? Because maybe he can be a good influence on him. Doing 'manly' things. At 3.5 he should be able to have a fake tool set and pretend to fix things along with his abba. Or they can go outside and throw around a ball. I would cut down on any experience of your son seeing you getting dressed, or putting on makeup, or doing any of the feminine things, and try to increase his interactions with your husband. The more he has a good relationship with your husband, the more he will try to emulate him.

amother

Lilac

Mon, Mar 23 2015, 5:02 am

OP here.

Honestly, it seems as if nobody is actually reading what I wrote... and the direction this thread is taking is making me lol!

(responses not necessarily in order)

FranticFrummie, if you will read through my posts you will see that he doesn't readily have access to my underwear. He noticed it once whilst I was doing laundry and that was the FIRST and LAST time he ever laid hands on them. It's really not as weird as you all make it sound. He sometimes asks for girly stuff but mostly just wears a flouncy wedding skirt that I have and says he's a kallah...

Dolly, I appreciate your concern however in my earlier post I clearly mentioned that this is not the type of responses I am looking for. I'm confident with the way I'm dealing with it and will not change based on conjecture. I specifically asked to hear from other mothers of little boys/girls whose kids had similar issues.

Rodent, thanks for that. As I wrote above I'm quite confident with the way I'm dealing with it and don't plan to change. Like you, I believe following these ideas will only make things worse.

Nooshen, if you read through my posts correctly you will realise that I've never actively encouraged this behavior but I allow him to fill the need as and when he wishes, but never make an issue of it. It's all pretty natural to him so I don't see why you feel that he will feel unheard in any way? Regarding the tantrum'ing -- it is somewhat unusual but if you knew my son you'd know that he's a pretty explosive child and tantrums about anything and everything.

Imasoftov, lol!

Amother, DS doesn't typically see me getting dressed or applying make-up etc. and has never shown any interest in make-up. As I wrote in other posts above he is pretty boy'ish in other ways and plays with his large collection of cars and tools. In fact, since I have no daughters there aren't many girly things around at all.

Finally, if anyone has had personal experience in this area I would love to hear it!

amother

Copper

Mon, Mar 23 2015, 6:47 am

Dolly Welsh wrote:

Rodent, you speak as if you have been through this, but you haven't been through this.

This is exactly what I am disparaging. Theoretical posturing, based on current faddish thinking on CNN, when you haven't walked the walk, been there, done that, and aren't in the field.

I am holding to the old fashioned way and not pretending to know what I don't know.

If you are talking like a psychological professional, state your credentials. Having a lot of nice boys, but never having dealt with this, doesn't count.

I have never used the word "shame" once.

I think there is a way to encourage both genders in the directions they are going to have to live with.

You sound very much as if you are assuming OP's boy is going to go in an atypical direction for life and needs to not be pressured harmfully.

That is an assumption. I don't think it is a very likely one at all.

I am not advocating being mean, I am advocating being careful.

Actually, my best friend went through precisely this. She pretty much followed your advice and congratulated herself that she had "saved" her son from being gay.

Well, that's not what happened.

Instead, as a young teen, he pursued an artistic field in which it was considered acceptable to be gay. And, in his mid-20s, came out to his parents. Who have now learned about the statistics, about what happens to children who are made to believe that what they feel is wrong.

Which, FTR, doesn't change my mind that OP's kid is probably just going through a stage.

Anon for privacy of friend.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Mar 23 2015, 7:55 am

My son went through a similar stage, just a stage. He liked swishy dresses and would put a towel on his head to pretend he had long hair. He did that for about a year and then lost interest. He liked pastel colors and I would buy him shirts in those colors if I could find them. Now, 8 years later, I can't get him to wear lilac (it would be gorgeous with his coloring) if I paid him. Just a phase. There will be others. Just set rules. If my ds tantrumed because he wanted to wear his dress up clothing to the store, the dress up clothes would be put away for a while. ETA when he was in his dress up clothes he would ask me how he looked and I would reply Fancy..that is the fanciest I have ever seen you. He enjoyed that response and it worked for us.

My brother also went through a phase where he liked lipstick. He though it was funny, liked the way it felt in his lips, and liked the reaction he got when he would suddenly come into the room with red lips. He outgrew it, thank G-d. H was a little older then and he still likes to shock people. He is healthy, well developed all around manly man.

amother

Lilac

Mon, Mar 23 2015, 2:10 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. I don't believe I am saving him from anything to be honest, nor am I congratulating myself. I'm just doing what I feel is correct in this situation and hope for the best. Do you really think that had your friend done things differently it would've resulted in a different outcome?

amother

Lilac

Mon, Mar 23 2015, 2:12 pm

amother wrote:

OP here. Thanks for sharing amother. Thankfully DS never goes out of the house in anything other than regular boys clothing, nor has he ever requested to.

amother

Copper

Mon, Mar 23 2015, 2:17 pm

amother wrote:

No. Quite the opposite. Who is who he is, and nothing she did could have changed him. She thought she could, thought she did; she was wrong. He is, for the record, an all around amazing and kind young man.

amother

Green

Mon, Mar 23 2015, 2:35 pm

MagentaYenta--I'm with you! I could make a list of oldest dd's preschool male friends who took girls clothes out of the class dress up box, tried nail polish or makup during play dates , and more. (DD liked playing with boys at that age sbd it's seen as "normal" is my community.) lets fast forward 15 years to now. Three classmates are gay--a "girlie" girl and two boys who never played with girl dress up clothes. What does this prove? That kids play because they play. OP, it sounds like you're handling everything perfectly.

MagentaYenta

Mon, Mar 23 2015, 3:31 pm

amother wrote:

I have photo's of all the kids playing dress up at that age. One of my DD is in the bedroom, she's wearing her fathers boxers, a football helmet and his cowboy boots. Over her shirt is an old leopard print bed jacket with black marabou trim from the costume box. Oh and she's standing in the bathtub.

Tapuzi

Tue, Mar 24 2015, 9:07 am

My son discovered princess dresses right around his third birthday at my mothers. We let him wear one for a few days but didn't let him bring one home. I happened to have had a pediatrician appointment for him a week later and I spoke to him about it. He assured me that plenty of boys go through that phase, they're attracted to anything pretty or that reminds them of mommy. He was adamant that I let him do and wear what he asked for and NOT make him feel bad about it or stigmatize it in any way. As an FYI the pediatrician is frum. Honestly, I was asking more for curiosity's sake, like, are there boys who do this who grow out of it and are totally straight, and my main reason for eating to know that is that I was not about to go and spend hundreds of thousands on a yeshiva education just for my son to be rejected in 15 years. Again, my doc said it certainly does not mean he'll be gay. HOWEVER lots of gay guys liked girly stuff as kids, no doubt about that ( I have many close gay friends from my work). So OP, there's no way to know anything, follow your gut and treat your child the way you clearly want to. What will be will be. You just want to know you were a loving, caring mom. You have no control over his inborn s-xuality.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Mar 24 2015, 12:59 pm

Tapuzi wrote:

OP here. I see I even have your paediatrician's approval lol. Thanks for the vote of confidence Tapuzi.

amother

Turquoise

Tue, Feb 14 2023, 9:17 am

yeshivishfrum wrote:

I know this is a old thread.

My question is how do you know when a child is just going thru a phase or if its something deeper.

sometimes people bottle things up because of social pressure?

You can usually figure out with talking / talk therapy why they want to be a girl. Maybe her son has better memories or less responsibility before his upsherin. Maybe he craves compliments and always hear sisters getting them for pretty dresses and headbands. There’s usually a root cause.