DH losing job...how to support when freaking out!

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amother

Lime

Thu, Mar 26 2015, 7:57 pm

DH just found out today that his job is being eliminated as of June 1. He has been miserable there for some time, and we could kindof see it coming, but really didn't think it would happen as he is so essential there.

Anyhow, I am trying to be very supportive, saying "this will be a great opportunity for you, you were really unhappy there anyway..." and that type of thing.

But I feel sick to my stomach with worry. We BH have many great children, a loving family, pretty good incomes, but we barely scrape by on our two incomes. Between insane cost of living in our area, kids tuition, health insurance (which we've gotten through his work until now), we barely make it each month.

I have started my own business in the last year and am making some money, but it's up and down, definitely not a steady stream, though I am working really really hard.

DH has a profession but now he's saying that he supported us for many years while I stayed home and now he wants to invest in a piece of property, raze the building, and start this new business. Taking out loans, etc, etc. lots of debt, no income for a while...

He needs to get a job. We simply cannot undertake more debt to start his business. We need him to work until my business is really humming - another year or two. He told me that he needs me to be supportive and just say "I've got this, I will support the family." I want to be supportive, but I would be lying to say I can support us. My income alone, even if optimistic, will not cover rent and food. Forget about health insurance, car insurance, tuition....

I am terrified. I have never been in a truly precarious financial situation. We are careful with money but have built a pretty expensive life. I feel like he's not being objective about our financial situation, and if I am objective, then that's me not being "supportive." I can't be supportive when it would enable his endangering our family's financial well-being.

I am so scared. I feel sick with worry. I guess I don't have a question. Just needed to say this since we're not telling anyone yet. And Pesach is coming....

nywife

Thu, Mar 26 2015, 8:06 pm

You mentioned that you just started your own bussiness- is it moveable? You also mentioned that the cost of living in your area is very high, would it be feasible to move to another area? (Yes I know it's not so simple to uproot a family, but it can be done.)
For now I would suggest tightening your belts as much as possible. Buy groceries that are in season or on sale. Most chain stores have coupons that can save you a pretty decent amount. Do you have any savings as an emergency backup? Can you cut down on some expenses that aren't necessities?
I hope your Dh finds a job very soon. Wishing you a lot of luck and strength.

dancingqueen

Thu, Mar 26 2015, 8:17 pm

Hugs. He might just be bluffing out of bitterness from being fired. Try just being really supportive and then when he seems more ok address the practical reality that he needs to get a job ASAP.

amother

Lime

Thu, Mar 26 2015, 8:46 pm

OP here -
My business is NOT moveable. So moving is not much of an option for us unless DH wants to get a great job in a cheaper place. We would have to abandon my business Sad

We have some savings - enough to cover exactly 4 months rent (not expenses, just rent).

We had much more savings which we invested in my business. My business has income now, but we haven't replenished the funds that we invested. We've replenished some, just not much.

Yes - going to seriously tighten our belts (hard with hosting two big sedarim and lots of other hosting over pesach). This will be hard for DH because he is big into retail therapy. Me, not so much. I hate shopping and buying stuff!

The Happy Wife

Thu, Mar 26 2015, 8:58 pm

I think you should be supportive and let the numbers do the talking. Tell your husband that it sounds like a great idea, but you want to look over the finances with him to make sure you can handle it. And when it's clear that it's not going to work now, make sure you stay supportive and remind him that he can start his business in a few years when your finances change.

See if you will qualify for govt. assistance to help you get by short term. And daven. I hope things work out well for you and your family.

ROFL

Thu, Mar 26 2015, 9:00 pm

What field is your. DH in where do you live ? General area, maybe we can help?

amother

Lime

Thu, Mar 26 2015, 10:43 pm

OP here.

ROFL - thank you for the generous offer. We live OOT enough, in a small enough community and DH is pretty specialized that if I gave that info then I could be identified.

But thanks for the offer!!

amother

Lime

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 2:15 pm

OP here again.

Last night DH and I were talking and I told him that he needs to get a new job. DH has written a letter (which he hasn't sent yet) to his boss's supervisors saying that the boss fired DH in retaliation for disagreements they had. I think that writing the letter was cathartic for DH, but I told him that he couldn't send it, certainly not before he gets a new job.

Sending this whiny letter makes him look bad and will harm his reputation and make it hard to find new work. It is self-sabotage. DH insists that he needs to send this letter, that he "will not take this lying down."

I just spoke with DH this morning and he said "I cannot believe that last night you said that I need to get a job and should not send the letter. I expected you to support me." Right now, for DH, support = agreeing with him. But I do not agree with him! I am very emotionally supportive, but I can't let him go and sabotage his career, which will hurt our family. But DH is not giving me any room to voice any opinions on this. It's like I'm either with him or against him.

Honestly, DH is becoming very disagreeable in a number of areas lately and takes everything personally. He does some regular volunteer work, and the volunteer manager yesterday approached him to say something about some scheduling that DH had changed that needed to change back. Apparently it turned really heated, DH told the person "stop patronizing me." then said "Do you even know what patronizing means?" DH was upset that the person approached him in the way he did and DH felt slighted. DH was not able to shrug off this person's annoying demeanor and just say "yeah, ok."

DH is also generally upset with me and complains that I don't give him enough attention. I have a small baby, several kids, and my own new business, with no family nearby to help. I feel like I don't have a second to breathe. If he wants to be intimate, or to spend time just hanging out, he needs to initiate it. I really try to keep his needs in mind but I need him to act like a grownup and just be patient. He was furious that I stayed up late monday night cleaning for pesach and that he went to bed alone. Hello? Like I want to clean until 2am? I had to apologize for pesach cleaning while everyone else slept?!?!?

So many mornings I wake up and he's sulky and short with me because he feels slighted. He says "I feel pathetic like I have to wait for your attention. I wait and wait and I don't get it." It's really not like that. I give him attention, just apparently not as much and of the quality he wants. I am literally run ragged to the bone, I barely sleep, and here he is whining about not getting enough attention. He recently told me that he had thought that I wanted him to have an affair, or to get his "needs met" elsewhere because I hadn't been giving him the attention he wants. I told him that he was wrong.

He's constantly criticizing me, being short with me, telling me how I am too slow, don't do things right. The kids have now picked up this behavior. I have told them that they cannot behave this way, or speak to me or each other this way. They are fighting a lot more.

All of this was happening prior to the job loss. He used to be a pretty laid back and happy guy. I don't know what has happened.

I feel like my life is unraveling around me. DH's worldview right now is that everyone is disrespecting or slighting him. I need him to just suck it up and focus on the work we have to do. We really do have so much, so much to be grateful for, and could have a fantastic life (even with the job loss) if he would just snap out of this. I don't know what to do. I am trying to be as stable and as even-keeled as possible, but when I drop the kids off, or sit at my desk, the tears just start to roll down my cheeks. I feel like I am watching my life begin to come apart and I don't know what to do to stop it. I am terrified. I have no one to talk to.

I am sorry for such a long, long post.

amother

Linen

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 2:29 pm

I would highly recommend the book "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle.

Let me tell you my story. I managed the money for our household for many years. My husband was consistently underearning (and spending freely) while I was working like a dog and never treating myself to anything. I was very upset by our obvious lack of effective communication about household finances. In addition, I was never giving him a chance to "be the man" in the family because I made all of the decisions and wanted to prove how "I could take care of myself." He was turning into another child, and acting that way.

After I read this book, I turned over lots of responsibilities to him. First I let him cook, and encouraged him to make barbecues in the summer, so that I would have fewer cooking responsibilities. Then I let him decide when to daven, learn, or do any other religious things. I let him take care of his own clothing and dry cleaning - I just left everything scattered across the room for weeks until he decided it was time to give in his shirts, etc Smile

I let him wear whatever he wanted, and never commented. Whenever he asked my advice, I said "Whatever you think."

Finally, after I had a baby and lost my job, I turned over the household finances to him. It was nervewracking but a huge relief. He's a responsible guy, so once he saw the budget he really cut back on his spending. But he increased his desire to "treat" me to things. Starting last spring, he began to be afraid that he would lose his job. I did nothing. Then in November he lost his job. I gave him a kiss and told him I am sure he will find something better. He had 3 months of severance pay. At the end of 3 months he found a job that pays $20,000 more than his last job.

I am sure that this book and this attitude made our life and our shalom bayis much better. Please don't make your husband crazy in his job search - just let him do it on his own and trust that he will do the best possible job. Even now I sometimes worry that my husband could lose his new job, but I just tell myself that I will contrinue to trust him and sleep easily at night, as per "The Surrendered Wife."

amother

Linen

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 2:36 pm

By the way, we also have a really expensive life (B"H) - mortgage, 3 tuitions, babysitter at over $500 a week, utilities, phone, car, etc, it comes out that we need around $12k a month after taxes. And he had been earning $6k of that. There was no way that we could survive without his income. So I know what you are going through vis a vis the financial terror.

lfab

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 2:38 pm

Could there be some other reason for the sudden personality changes? Maybe a medical or hormonal reason? I don't really have any specific ideas of what but it seems that there's something more going on than just he's upset about being fired (especially since you said in your original post that it was somewhat expected).It might be something worth talking to a doctor about and looking in to. Hope things get better soon.

amother

Lime

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 2:42 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks for your thoughtful response. DH already takes care of a lot of things - I handed over managing the finances, he does a lot of cooking, shopping. (In fact, he makes most decisions as whatever decision I make will be overruled by him. I don't jump without asking how high.)

My concern is that DH says he is not going to look for a new job, that I should just work harder and make more money, and that he's entitled to this because for years he worked full time while I was at home with babies or working only part time.

He knows our financial situation and still insists that he is not going to look for a job! And I am unsupportive for saying he needs to find work!

amother

Linen

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 2:46 pm

I think that my husband may have mentioned something like that along the way ... a lot of husbands fantasize about opening their own business (especially after being let go from a job), but 98% just take the responsible route and get another similar job.

Another great way to deal with things like this is by going to a 3rd party and not having you be the nay-sayer. For example, tell him that he should consult his buddies and see if it's a good idea (or speak to his father, or rabbi). Does he have a specific business model in mind? Basically, just as much as you don't want to starve, he doesn't want to starve either.

musicmom

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 4:23 pm

First of all, now that your income is diminished, you can and should apply for financial aid for heat, electric bills, and tuition.

Second of all, obviously your husband is stressed! Just be there for him.

Third of all, pray! Things can change for the better, and quickly!

good luck!

amother

Black

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 4:48 pm

A similar situation happened to us almost 2 years ago and it was really hard. Iyh things will get better but in the meantime have u considered therapy for either just him or couples therapy? my husband took awhile to start going but has been feeling much better since he did. Without going into details he is finally feeling better enough now to be applying for jobs now. Since it can really hurt a man's ego to lose the ability to support his family u might look out and c if ur husband having a hard time moving on then this may be helpful. Hope he finds something else soon and Hashem should grant you the koach to handle this. It's hard! Hugs

SRS

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 5:18 pm

OP, it sounds like you have two problems and the immediate issue, the job loss, could be overshadowing the other issue which is a personality change. While you need to be belt tightening and going into austerity, I think your bigger problem is probably the personality change which could be chemical and should be checked out by a doctor. His idea to send a letter to the boss is self-sabotage or job-suicidal. It is very possible that this attitude you say he is demonstrating in volunteer work, has hurt him professionally and with some medical help he, and you, could recover.

I would normally recommend that you cut your expenses by having him take over household responsibilities while you build your new business and while he searches for a job. But, it sounds like he is not in a rational state right now and would be a liability to your business, so my advice is to figure out if there is a medical issue that can be addressed in time for a quick recovery.

raro

Tue, Mar 31 2015, 5:43 pm

[quote="amother"]I would highly recommend the book "The Surrendered Wife" by Laura Doyle.

Let me tell you my story. I managed the money for our household for many years. My husband was consistently underearning (and spending freely) while I was working like a dog and never treating myself to anything. I was very upset by our obvious lack of effective communication about household finances. In addition, I was never giving him a chance to "be the man" in the family because I made all of the decisions and wanted to prove how "I could take care of myself." He was turning into another child, and acting that way.

After I read this book, I turned over lots of responsibilities to him. First I let him cook, and encouraged him to make barbecues in the summer, so that I would have fewer cooking responsibilities. Then I let him decide when to daven, learn, or do any other religious things. I let him take care of his own clothing and dry cleaning - I just left everything scattered across the room for weeks until he decided it was time to give in his shirts, etc Smile

I let him wear whatever he wanted, and never commented. Whenever he asked my advice, I said "Whatever you think."

Finally, after I had a baby and lost my job, I turned over the household finances to him. It was nervewracking but a huge relief. He's a responsible guy, so once he saw the budget he really cut back on his spending. But he increased his desire to "treat" me to things. Starting last spring, he began to be afraid that he would lose his job. I did nothing. Then in November he lost his job. I gave him a kiss and told him I am sure he will find something better. He had 3 months of severance pay. At the end of 3 months he found a job that pays $20,000 more than his last job.

Hugs to op. I'm so sorry ur going through this.
The book is only for a regular marriage. The reason y I'm writing this is bec u mentioned that ur h said something about getting his needs met someplace else (u used the word affair) That is a red light for me.

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