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Did any of you have a Rabbi ruin your shidduch?
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Sat, Mar 28 2015, 7:33 pm
Did any of you have a Rabbi ruin your or a loved one's shidduch? How were you or they, ever able to forgive them?
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Sat, Mar 28 2015, 7:36 pm
The opposite: I had a rabbi push through a shidduch that should have never ever happened. Lies, cover ups, alterior motives.... to the point that I wonder in my heart if a Get would halachikly be required since the two did not know who they were marrying.
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naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Mar 28 2015, 8:10 pm
Yes experienced both .

Interfered when they shouldn't
Then tried tried to foist all sorts of rejects on me
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Sat, Mar 28 2015, 9:23 pm
no
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amother
Silver


 

Post Sat, Mar 28 2015, 9:29 pm
amother wrote:
Did any of you have a Rabbi ruin your or a loved one's shidduch? How were you or they, ever able to forgive them?


Yes. He told my dh not to marry me, so he broke it off. We got back together two years later.

I still haven't forgiven him. He never asked, so why should I?
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Sat, Mar 28 2015, 11:46 pm
Yes. For my son. The Rabbi told anybody who called about our shalom bayis issues (major). When I finally found out why my amazing son was getting "no"s left and right, we removed the Rabbi from my sons reccommendation list. B"H he found an amazing girl with an amazing family.
I still trust this Rabbi with halacha issues. I just know that he is not the one to turn to for personal issues.
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kadosh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 2:14 pm
Why would a Rabbi ever ruin a shidduch?
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Delores




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 2:22 pm
amother wrote:
Yes. For my son. The Rabbi told anybody who called about our shalom bayis issues (major). When I finally found out why my amazing son was getting "no"s left and right, we removed the Rabbi from my sons reccommendation list. B"H he found an amazing girl with an amazing family.
I still trust this Rabbi with halacha issues. I just know that he is not the one to turn to for personal issues.

Did the rabbi say "don't marry this guy because his parents have SB problems or did he just tell them the truth about what went on in this person's home? How much detail should a rabbi be giving when he's recommending a shiduch? It seems like an uneasy place for a rabbi to be in.
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BrachaBatya




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 2:47 pm
What a terrible breach of confidentiality to tell of someone's SB issues! That's disgracedul!!! Confidentiality is crucial when one is a rabbi.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 3:08 pm
Although I do not regret not marrying the two boys, this sort of happened to me on two occasions, two different Rabbis who discouraged me from marrying a boy I was dating solely for religious reasons - each time they claimed that the boy wasn't frum enough for me. And other stupid things. Like that because the boy watches movies (we're talking regular movies) I will never be able to se-xually satisfy him and he is dealing with such a case now - in reverse - with a woman who is getting divorced because she reads romace novels and has unrealistic expectations of intimacy. Oh, and that because the boy likes to question things, it will be very dangerous and my family won't handle it well. And that when the spanish inquisition happened, it was the people who questioned things who left Judaism the quickest. Looking back, I only listened back then because I believed in "daas torah".

When it came the boy I would later marry, I was wiser and asked no one.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 3:18 pm
Yes. My brother who had everything going for him was constantly turned down. He was tall, dark and good looking and had a name of being a good learner. His rebbe who he was very close to and always swore would be his mesader kedushin was telling people he was on medication. This was a blatant lie. He had tried medication for depression for one single month when our family was going through a very rough period. He had been off it since (maybe 7 or 8 years when he was dating). The parents of the girl he ended up marrying called everyone who ever met his since the day he was born. Thankfully they didn't reach this rebbe until she was interested in marrying him and believed him when he told her it wasn't true. Needless to say, that rebbe was not invited to the wedding and he hasn't spoken to him since.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 5:18 pm
kadosh wrote:
Why would a Rabbi ever ruin a shidduch?

Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of men?
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vintagebknyc




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 5:19 pm
imasoftov wrote:
Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of men?


heh
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amother
Pumpkin


 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 5:28 pm
It happened to me. I had met a wonderful guy on Frumster, and we hit it off immediately. We made each other laugh, we had a great personality match, were totally on the same page hashkafically, all the right things. We could talk on the phone for hours, he was only about 4 hours away from me, and we were planning to meet IRL very soon.

Then one day he called me and told me that his rebbe wants him to cut off all contact with me, because we were both BTs. He wanted the guy to marry a FFB, because it would "bring up his level". Rolling Eyes

I still really miss that guy, even though he's now married and living in Israel. I often wonder what would have happened if there wasn't the interference.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 5:47 pm
amother wrote:
It happened to me. I had met a wonderful guy on Frumster, and we hit it off immediately. We made each other laugh, we had a great personality match, were totally on the same page hashkafically, all the right things. We could talk on the phone for hours, he was only about 4 hours away from me, and we were planning to meet IRL very soon.

Then one day he called me and told me that his rebbe wants him to cut off all contact with me, because we were both BTs. He wanted the guy to marry a FFB, because it would "bring up his level". Rolling Eyes

I still really miss that guy, even though he's now married and living in Israel. I often wonder what would have happened if there wasn't the interference.


That is so awful. There are two things here that are sickening: 1. the double standard 2. the rabbis intervention for no good reason
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amother
Oak


 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 6:18 pm
Yes I had an issue with our Rav when I was dating my dh. My husband and I both shidduch dated and went through a shadchen for the first few dates. The rav of my husbands shul (he's the rav of a pretty big shul) knows my parents distantly and set us up. Along the way he caused a lot of problems. My husband and I clicked right away but our parents didn't. The rav was the go between for all discussions between both sets of parents and he purposely lied saying the future mechutanim said things they didn't say because he wanted the shidduch to go through so badly. (he said multiple times that the other side would pay for abc when they never said that) It caused so many problems, my parents thought my husbands parents were lying initially and went back on their words later on and both sets of parents wanted us to break it off. It took us a while to trace back where all the dishonesty was coming from but when we did, we straightened things out. When dh confronted the rav he admitted he didn't think it was such a big deal to change some words around for the sake of a shidduch. We ended up dating for longer than we would have liked because of all the back and forth discussions and pushing things off. My husband cut off contact with the rav and still wont walk into his shul.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 6:42 pm
kadosh wrote:
Why would a Rabbi ever ruin a shidduch?


In my case, the Rabbi felt my dh should look for someone who is a better fit.

That is why two years later my dh was still single, because he hadn't found his Bashert.
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kadosh




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 6:48 pm
How did all of you ever manage to forgive these Rabbis?
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 7:17 pm
amother wrote:
It happened to me. I had met a wonderful guy on Frumster, and we hit it off immediately. We made each other laugh, we had a great personality match, were totally on the same page hashkafically, all the right things. We could talk on the phone for hours, he was only about 4 hours away from me, and we were planning to meet IRL very soon.

Then one day he called me and told me that his rebbe wants him to cut off all contact with me, because we were both BTs. He wanted the guy to marry a FFB, because it would "bring up his level". Rolling Eyes

I still really miss that guy, even though he's now married and living in Israel. I often wonder what would have happened if there wasn't the interference.

If it makes you feel any better, I had a similar situation. Except the reason the rebbe told him to cut it off with me (at least temporarily) was because he had just committed to going out with two other girls and said it would confuse him (I had contacted him on Frumster and we hit it off right away). He regretted agreeing to meet the other girls as soon as we met but he couldn't back out and the right thing to do was to give it his all while dating them without thinking about me. I was hurt but understood. I also met a different guy who I really hit it off with in the meantime and went out several times even though it couldn't work. I was devestated when that ended and ended up going out with the first guy the night I broke up with the other guy. He never had a chance for it to work IRL by the time we met. The long process was probably the reason it didn't work but the experience was VERY different IRL and online. It probably wouldnt have been had we met right away but not everything is the same online and IRL. I hope you're also happily married and can forget him soon.
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Sun, Mar 29 2015, 7:36 pm
Delores wrote:
Did the rabbi say "don't marry this guy because his parents have SB problems or did he just tell them the truth about what went on in this person's home? How much detail should a rabbi be giving when he's recommending a shiduch? It seems like an uneasy place for a rabbi to be in.


No, he just expounded on my dhs anger issues and our shalom bayis. He claimed that "everybody asks about shalom bayis"
What was so wrong is that we had great shalom bayis for over 15 years. Then the issues came up. By then, ds was out of the house and in yeshiva-so he knew what good shalom bayis was!
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