Dreading being a guest on Yom Tov?

amother

Blonde

Mon, Apr 06 2015, 9:52 pm

Do you dread going to family/friends/other for Yom Tov? I get nervous for weeks before any Yom Tov during which I will be away. Staying home isn't an option for us for Pesach so we go to my parents for first days and to dh's family for the second days. Whatever I worried about before Pesach kind of came true so I don't even overdramatize Wink

Now I'm on to dreading the second days (at least I'm home for Chol Hamoed).

MamaBear

Mon, Apr 06 2015, 10:26 pm

amother wrote:

It's just a lot easier to not stay home on Pesach. I can't really cook and clean my small apartment with a full time job and a little toddler. Therefore, we go away. I'd rather 7 hard days than 7 hard weeks.

It's not 7 hard weeks if you only have a small apartment to clean. Trust me! But you sound like you have an anxiety probably if you worry this much about going away.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Apr 06 2015, 10:30 pm

MamaBear wrote:

It's not 7 hard weeks if you only have a small apartment to clean. Trust me! But you sound like you have an anxiety probably if you worry this much about going away.

Cooking and cleaning will definitely take me a while since I work all day and still have to take care of my baby, as I've mentioned earlier. I never got how someone can clean their house for Pesach in two days. It just wouldn't work for me.

And no, I don't have an anxiety disorder. I just dread the situations that I know are bound to happen. I am not paralyzed with fear about anything. It's annoying to have my baby's sleep schedules and routines busted so that he wakes up screaming a few times a night. It's annoying to sleep in a different bed (much smaller than the one I'm used to). It's annoying when I'm sleep deprived. Also, somehow whenever we go away, either I or my baby get sick. It's crazy but it has happened far too many times and the negative conditioning just makes me dread it. I've been classically conditioned.

Maya

Mon, Apr 06 2015, 10:38 pm

I used to feel like that, but unlike your situation where you choose to go, we went because we were practically forced/guilted into it.

What helped me get over the stress was analyzing exactly what parts of the moving in I dreaded, and then worked on either changing my attitude about it or working on letting things go. So what if the bed is not as comfortable as I'm used to? It's just two nights. So what if I don't look as thin as others would like me to? So what if my kid is home with a fever for four days after every single visit? I just learned to accept it, and life goes on. It's about an attitude change. Especially since you're doing it to yourself, and you can just choose to stay home and avoid all that.

amother

Coral

Mon, Apr 06 2015, 10:48 pm

There's a difference between cleaning for 7 weeks and cleaning for 2 days. If it takes you more than one week to clean a small apartment, you're doing something wrong. If you're that miserable going away, and that miserable with the idea of staying home (trust me, as your family grows and you eventually live in a larger space, it will only get harder), then the concern is your mental state. You sound so sad and negative.

amother

Blonde

Mon, Apr 06 2015, 10:53 pm

amother wrote:

One week to clean AND cook? AND shop? As I've state, I work a full day. That leaves me about 4 hours each night. Half of that time my baby is still up and it's impossible to do anything then.

Actually, you've got me wrong. I'm B"H a happy person (you would probably agree if you saw my screen name) but this situation happens to be something that bothers me a lot. I dont' make a big deal about most other stuff and am pretty easygoing in general, but here's my killer. I think everyone's entitled to one... without being labeled sad and negative. My goodness.

And I never stated that I was miserable with both going away and staying home. I simply said that I dread it. I find a lot of the going away aspect really fun, actually. But the stuff that annoy me do cause me to dread it.

amother

Aqua

Mon, Apr 06 2015, 10:57 pm

I don't know, I have a small apartment and a toddler and it took me about 5 days to clean. I also work, so cleaning was done mostly at night. Yes, it was hard and exhausting, but 7 weeks?! Even my parents and in laws with decent size houses don't clean for 7 weeks! Especially if you're not having guests that you need to cook a lot for, it really shouldn't take so long. I hear what you're saying about going away messing up your toddlers schedule though. While it's great to spend time with family, my son never sleeps normally when we're away either.

imaima

Tue, Apr 07 2015, 1:03 am

Well we stopped going away for this exact reason. I was too anxious about kids sleppimg and not having enoughpersonal space while living in someone else's house.

That being said, you sound like you only have one child so you absolutely have NO time for anything. it is often the case. I find that the more kids one has, the more things you learn to do with kids.(A friend of mine has been cleaning and cooking with 4 sick children at home, toddler and baby included.) Like, you can definitely shop with your toddler. You can clean other rooms and cook while they are alseep. And where is dh in all this? Why doesn't he chime in? You know you are not actually supposed to clean but LOOK FOR chametz, so you can tell him to go through a closet while you are at work, even if he is cleaning disabled...

Last edited by imaima on Tue, Apr 07 2015, 2:28 am; edited 1 time in total

maapse

Tue, Apr 07 2015, 3:34 am

Do you understand what "cleaning" for pesach means? It means REMOVING the chometz from the house.
Do you know when I "clean" for pesach? A couple of hours before bedikas chometz. My husband comes home from work and watches the kids while I go around the house vacuuming the floors and peeking behind the movable furniture to CHECK to see if chometz is there. Then during bedikas chometz my husband will check through stuff more thoroughly.
Seven weeks to do that?!?! It takes me a couple of hours and I live in a big house.

Turning over the kitchen is obviously a bit more time consuming but no more time consuming than packing and traveling. Ignore the recipe sections in the magazines which make you feel that your yom tov won't be complete without making 45 different dishes each one requiring a zillion pots pans and utensils.
Boil a pot of eggs a pot of chicken soup and put some chicken and potatoes in the oven.
Beat part of it all... having your own seder and sleeping in your own bed having your own routines and being your own boss.
But none of that will happen as long as you have these wrong ideas about pesach cleaning.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Apr 07 2015, 5:00 am

I'm disabled and chronically ill, and I have a special needs daughter. DH travels for work, and is usually gone from Chanukah to the week before Pesach. He comes home and expects everything to be done when he arrives.

We save up all year, and factor cleaning help into our Pesach budget. I also buy pre made kugels, and large cuts of meat. I cook a huge roast and a few chickens all at once, and then use them in different dishes and soups throughout the week. I make large batches of quinoia and Israeli salads, and portion them out to stock the fridge. Snacks are fresh fruit, a few dips, and some Osem pre made cakes.

imasinger

Tue, Apr 07 2015, 7:24 am

I agree with everyone else.

To summarize, most people find going away stressful. Most people find it messes with their kids' schedules. Most people are less comfortable in a guest bed than their own. There is not much you can do about those factors, except grit your teeth and say, "it's easier than h alternative."

It's also often harder to be at one's IL's than one's parents. But both are challenging.

For all the work involved in cleaning and making Pesach, many women find it easier than dealing with a cranky family in a cramped space. That's why so many choose ultimately to stay home, and invite family to them.

During the time when you are suffering from stress about going, you could be "suffering" from cleanng and preparing. At the end, you have something to show for all your stress. And then, you get the relief of having the kids in their own space, and you, too.

My DD decided to stay home for the last days, and invite family to them. As she was frantically getting ready to turn the kitchen over, her MIL asked her, "you see why this is not worth it?" But DD, when I asked her last night, as she was on her way back home, was emphatically glad she did it. We'll see what she says when YT is all over, but I expect she won't change her mind.

imasoftov

Tue, Apr 07 2015, 7:36 am

What one person likes or dislikes about something is not necessarily the same thing that another person also likes or dislikes, so a poll really is beside the point.

I agree with the posters who said to focus on what you don't like about being a guest, but don't necessarily agree with them that this will lead to your accepting the situation (nor should it only lead to that one option), while that's one possible outcome it could also lead to you asking you hosts to make changes, finding somewhere else to sleep and only joining your hosts for meals, finding somewhere else to go away to, only going away for part of the holiday, or finding a way to stay home next time, or something I didn't think of.

Last edited by imasoftov on Tue, Apr 07 2015, 8:58 am; edited 1 time in total

saw50st8

Tue, Apr 07 2015, 7:48 am

amother wrote:

OP, I would like to validate your feelings.

Every year, we pack up and go to my mother's house. This year, my mother moved to my street corner and we still decided to pack up and move 3 doors away :-) I'm not sure what other people do and I am far from a clean/OCD person, but with little kids, crumbs some how end up everywhere. It's not just moving the big furniture - it's emptying the drawers to make sure no one stuck cheerios in there, it's looking to see if anyone stashed some pretzels in the toy box. My mother (who is very clean) once found a donut behind the toilet and a raw chicken nugget in the playroom closet. All we have to do is clean out our 2 cars (that alone takes a few hours!), pack and clean out coats. Even that was hard work. Since you are working full time, you have even less time and are human. We can't do everything.

And yes, even though my mother is amazing and my kids are well behaved, it's hard on my toddler who doesn't have his toys and can destroy anything in minutes plus gives me a hard time going to sleep.

You are not alone.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Apr 07 2015, 8:39 am

We have been splitting Pesach between my parents and in laws every year since we got married (except for the year I had a baby on Pesach when we never made it to my in laws). I keep saying that we're going to keep going away as long as it's easier to pack up the kids than it is to make Pesach and as long as our mothers are willing to have us.

I don't know what your circumstances are. I get along with my in laws. We're the only marrieds, so we have a comfortable room and plenty of help with the kids. I help as much as I can with cooking/serving/clearing on Y"T and had my in laws for shabbos hagadol to make things easier for my MIL.

It's much more crowded when we go to my parents because all my married siblings and nieces/nephews are squished into every available room. I love it because I get to see everyone. The kids love it because they get to spend time with their cousins who live in different cities. DH doesn't enjoy it as much because it's noisy and the meals schlep and he doesn't sleep well, but he endures it for my sake.

I have a 7 year old daughter and a baby. I try to be laid back about DD's bedtime over Y"T. She actually napped before both sedarim and then stayed up the whole time. Of course, by nirtzah she had already changed into pajamas and was lounging in the living room, but she was determined to stay up until the very end. She's been sleeping later than usual in the mornings, which is just fine. The baby complicated matters this year. I spent most of the sedarim nursing in the living room with a haggadah in hand participating as best as I could. The rest of the meals I tried to nurse before and after. My in laws were great about holding the baby when she got kvetchy so I could finish eating.

So at this point I would still rather go away then make Pesach because it's easier and more pleasant for me. I can envision the time when that won't be the case, at which point we will start making Pesach ourselves and inviting our parents to come to us.