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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Constantly drumming/banging...



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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 8:40 am
DS is constantly 'drumming' on any surface possible... it's super annoying and bothers everyone. I repeatedly ask him to stop but it's as if he doesn't even notice he's doing it. He might stop for a half a minute and then restart absent mindedly start again immediately. Other times, he stops 'drumming' but then starts tapping his foot. This has been going for several months now and is very annoying.

What's the best way to get him to stop?
I know it's often a boy'ish thing, my other DS did it too but the phase past way quicker whereas it doesn't seem to be going anywhere now. Is there a reason for the constant motion, other than a habit picked up at school?
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 8:55 am
My younger brother was like that. My parents eventually bought a used drum set and got him drum lessons. He's really good!

A fidgeter will always fidget. He can't control it, so don't make a big deal about it. Actually, studies have shown that people who fidget are more likely to be a healthy weight because they are always moving and burning off calories. That said, if he can't sit still or focus or he has issues in school, you may want to get him evaluated for ADD/ADHD.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 9:06 am
amother wrote:
My younger brother was like that. My parents eventually bought a used drum set and got him drum lessons. He's really good!

A fidgeter will always fidget. He can't control it, so don't make a big deal about it. Actually, studies have shown that people who fidget are more likely to be a healthy weight because they are always moving and burning off calories. That said, if he can't sit still or focus or he has issues in school, you may want to get him evaluated for ADD/ADHD.


OP here. He's a great student, no complaints from school to date b'h. Doesn't seem to have a problem sitting still. It's just the constant banging/tapping/drumming. Our living quarters are small and it's terribly annoying. It's the constant noise that is bothering all of us.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 9:29 am
My son (who DOES have ADHD) also constantly drums. We got him a drum pad for chanuka and he loves it!!! It's not loud, and he's only allowed to used it in his room with the door closed, so it doesn't bother anyone. He still constantly drums, but I don't think it's as often.
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moonbeam




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 10:15 am
Have you asked your ds why he drums/taps so much? My ds does it a lot too, for years, and at first I kept telling him to stop. When he didn't, I finally thought to ask why he does it and he said that he just likes the rhythm. I'd love to get him a drum set when we can.
Anyway, maybe that's true of your ds as well?
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 11:17 am
Do you live in my house? DS is same way. I tried the drum set idea -now he can drum AND the sound is amplified. I don't see how this is helpful. I've just decided to reframe it as something boys DO, and remind myself he is not trying to annoy me. I don't allow it during seudos or supper.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 12:20 pm
Does he have a lot of energy he can't put to any use? Maybe he just needs to go outside and play.
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Dolly Welsh




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 1:52 pm
Would music help?
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 2:38 pm
Dolly Welsh wrote:
Would music help?
I find it most disruptive at a shabbos seudah or regular dinnertime. You're trying to have a conversation, and the drumming just disrupts people's trains of thought. (train of thoughts???) whatever.....

Yes, he's active. Yes, he'd like to move. However, part of being in a family is sitting around the table during mealtimes and contributing to the conversation. This is something that I work on with him, but I do find it frustrating.

If he would have ADHD or any other self-regulatory problems, I'd have a different stance on this. But he doesn't. So I feel justified in asking him to control himself during family times, and then I kind of wince and tolerate it other times.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 5:57 pm
debsey wrote:
I find it most disruptive at a shabbos seudah or regular dinnertime. You're trying to have a conversation, and the drumming just disrupts people's trains of thought. (train of thoughts???) whatever.....

Yes, he's active. Yes, he'd like to move. However, part of being in a family is sitting around the table during mealtimes and contributing to the conversation. This is something that I work on with him, but I do find it frustrating.

If he would have ADHD or any other self-regulatory problems, I'd have a different stance on this. But he doesn't. So I feel justified in asking him to control himself during family times, and then I kind of wince and tolerate it other times.


OP here.

Dolly, I don't think music would help as he doesn't particularly do it when the music is on, just any time, and almost all of the time. Whenever he has a spare minute.

Debsey, sounds very familiar, but I'm having serious trouble getting him to stop even for short periods... he seems to be doing it subconsciously. I actually asked him this evening why he does it and his response was 'I like doing it...'. Any tricks up your sleeve? Have you tried giving him something to occupy his hands with? Do you think that would help?
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lk1234




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 6:02 pm
I read this and started laughing. My child does the exact same thing and I thought I was the only mother with this problem! Seems like we're in good company op. In the beginning it bothered me and I told him so, but now I just try to ignore it. I have tried to be more positive and to pay more attention to him in case he is doing it for attention seeking purposes, though I don't really think that is the reason. He did mention to me that all the kids in his class and that's why he does it.
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 6:05 pm
amother wrote:
OP here.

Dolly, I don't think music would help as he doesn't particularly do it when the music is on, just any time, and almost all of the time. Whenever he has a spare minute.

Debsey, sounds very familiar, but I'm having serious trouble getting him to stop even for short periods... he seems to be doing it subconsciously. I actually asked him this evening why he does it and his response was 'I like doing it...'. Any tricks up your sleeve? Have you tried giving him something to occupy his hands with? Do you think that would help?


I found that a stress ball helped. I also remind my husband to sing a lot of zemiros, so he can bang and drum and sing then, and feel a part of things.

I worry that he'll feel like I"m always criticizing him, so I remind him - I am prone to headaches. Sometimes, I might ask you to stop drumming a bit too sharply - but it's because of ME not because you are doing anything wrong. I joke about how he HAS to get used to controlling this tendency because the girls he will date one day will not appreciate it on dates! Anything I can do to not hurt his feelings about it.

I also send him away from the table on errands whenever I can, so that he is kept moving.

But all of these are temporary measures - this is just his THING and although I can work on it, it never really goes away. He studies for tests, and he is tilted back in his chair, one hand beating out a rhythym. He's learning with his chavrusah on the phone, and his fingers are playing a beat....it's constant.

And I did have to banish the drums to the basement and put felt on the drumsticks because OMG, he can make LOUD sounds with that thing! That really was the worst advice I ever got - he got drums and drumming lessons and it was NOT conducive to channeling it. Just made him want to drum more.

I hate that I tense up when he comes into the room, especially on Friday night. I tend to get headaches in the evening, and I don't like it that when he's in the room, I flinch because I know that he'll make noise any second and it will HURT. I worry that he'll feel rejected by me, but it's just one of those things. I'm not a fan of noise, especially percussion sounds - and I get headaches easily. It just is not a good match, but I don't have a really good solution, other than to keep reminding him that it's not personal.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 6:08 pm
lk1234 wrote:
I read this and started laughing. My child does the exact same thing and I thought I was the only mother with this problem! Seems like we're in good company op. In the beginning it bothered me and I told him so, but now I just try to ignore it. I have tried to be more positive and to pay more attention to him in case he is doing it for attention seeking purposes, though I don't really think that is the reason. He did mention to me that all the kids in his class and that's why he does it.


OP here. Yeah, it's a real boyish thing! My other son did it too (and IIRC some of my brothers too) but he stopped after a few months, with this one it seems to be going on forever... probably closer to a year by now. I've been trying to turn a blind eye most of the time but he seems to have upped the ante recently and it's almost an 'instinct' whenever his hands are free. It's so ANNOYING and often a headache trigger.
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debsey




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 6:11 pm
amother wrote:
OP here. Yeah, it's a real boyish thing! My other son did it too (and IIRC some of my brothers too) but he stopped after a few months, with this one it seems to be going on forever... probably closer to a year by now. I've been trying to turn a blind eye most of the time but he seems to have upped the ante recently and it's almost an 'instinct' whenever his hands are free. It's so ANNOYING and often a headache trigger.


I know, and if you are like me and get headaches - it's just really frustrating. I wish I had a solution, but I don't, other than to keep reminding myself that it's not actually a BAD thing he's doing. I've never really liked the sound of drumming, even at weddings, so it is doubly annoying to me.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Tue, Apr 07 2015, 6:19 pm
debsey wrote:
I found that a stress ball helped. I also remind my husband to sing a lot of zemiros, so he can bang and drum and sing then, and feel a part of things.

I worry that he'll feel like I"m always criticizing him, so I remind him - I am prone to headaches. Sometimes, I might ask you to stop drumming a bit too sharply - but it's because of ME not because you are doing anything wrong. I joke about how he HAS to get used to controlling this tendency because the girls he will date one day will not appreciate it on dates! Anything I can do to not hurt his feelings about it.

I also send him away from the table on errands whenever I can, so that he is kept moving.

But all of these are temporary measures - this is just his THING and although I can work on it, it never really goes away. He studies for tests, and he is tilted back in his chair, one hand beating out a rhythym. He's learning with his chavrusah on the phone, and his fingers are playing a beat....it's constant.

And I did have to banish the drums to the basement and put felt on the drumsticks because OMG, he can make LOUD sounds with that thing! That really was the worst advice I ever got - he got drums and drumming lessons and it was NOT conducive to channeling it. Just made him want to drum more.

I hate that I tense up when he comes into the room, especially on Friday night. I tend to get headaches in the evening, and I don't like it that when he's in the room, I flinch because I know that he'll make noise any second and it will HURT. I worry that he'll feel rejected by me, but it's just one of those things. I'm not a fan of noise, especially percussion sounds - and I get headaches easily. It just is not a good match, but I don't have a really good solution, other than to keep reminding him that it's not personal.


Thanks Debsey. FWIW, I don't ever make it about him either, just that it's too noisy at the moment. Our living space is all open plan so we're all in one space, so to speak, and it can get pretty overwhelmingly noisy. It's funny, now that you mention his beating to rhythms all the time you're reminding me that I do that too all the time, sometimes with my fingers, other times in my head, and it is pretty subconscious. I'll be walking/going up the stairs/doing something and suddenly realise my fingers are tapping out a beat. The only VERY big difference is that I never drum or bang, it's just silent tapping... I guess I'm a female. LOL

By the seder it was great actually, by the zemiros he really got some bang for his buck lol!
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