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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)

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FranticFrummie

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 7:13 am

DD is almost 12. She has social problems, and there are very few Jewish girls her age in my neighborhood. Lately, she has been saying that she "hates Shabbos".

The problem is that she is very good at doing things on electronics, and adores the iPad, laptop, and her cell phone. She's brilliant at Minecraft, texts her friends regularly, and Skype chats friends who are far away. It's her main form of social activity.

She's an only child, and DH and I are "boring and no fun". "There's nothing to do!" so she wanders around the house moaning and sighing, checking the clock every 5 minutes for hours on end, calculating how long until havdalah. Her moping and kvetching ruins the Shabbos atmosphere for everyone.

I've tried board games, card games, walks to the park, meaningful conversation, you name it. She's coming to an age where she's very much a "tween", and it's getting more and more difficult to make her happy.

Generally, I don't make it my problem to entertain her, and I do my best not to buy into her moods, but the whole "I hate Shabbos" thing is really bothering me, because I don't want her to become anti religious because she can't go on the computer! HELP!

33055

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 7:17 am

Does she like books? Can you get her tween books? What about Manga books?

Rubber Ducky

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 7:35 am

• Invite a friend from outside the neighborhood over for all of Shabbos, or get your DD invited to a friend.

• Are there younger families in your neighborhood? Find her a mother's helper job with a family that has young children.

• Find DD a mentor in the neighborhood — a frum girl a few years older who will spend time with her.

• Start a Shabbos Bnos group.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 7:53 am

She reads voraciously all week long, so that's not a problem. We're surrounded with books and go to the library often.

She's too immature to be a mother's helper, and the older teens want nothing to do with her. The teens are much too into talking about the boys they have crushes on, and don't have time for "babysitting for free".

I am beginning to think that we just need to hurry up and make Aliyah, because there are hardly any kids here, and not all of them have the best middos. At least in Israel there will be a lot more girls for DD to choose from.

33055

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 9:28 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

Perhaps you can "save" special books for Shabbos like graphic novels or a new Jewish girls from around the world series.

Does she enjoy clothes? Picking out outfits both yours and hers? Finding new ways to dress up snoods?

Does she enjoy setting the table new and creative ways like napkin folding or using jewelry for napkin rings? You can have her set the table a different way each time with both of you being involved. Can you save some prep work for Shabbos and actually have her involved like making a pretty cold cut plate? She can do the egg salad and plate it fancy.

Is there anyone who you two could visit together like an older neighbor or pop into a nursing home.

debsey

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 9:42 am

I can relate to your DD. I didn't haave friends in my neighborhood growing up, and I was a voracious reader. My father didn't let me read English books on shabbos, and I remember feeling bored and restless. I didn't have that added "yetzer hora" of electronic media, so perhaps it is not the perfect example. But I outgrew it. Maybe don't feed into it so much! Tell her that you are sorry she feels that way, and challenge her to figure it out.

asp40

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 10:24 am

Can you limit her electronics during the week? If she only has one hour each day then shabbat isn't a big deal.

You also need to invite kids over for her to hang out with. She needs something to look forward to.

syrima

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 11:03 am

Sounds like a stage to me that most kids go through, but the lack of social opportunities is worrying.
I would explain my feelings about hearing her complain so much, and ask if she can mute it. otherwise I would consider making a rule of no electronics etc until after havdallah, or after the dishes are washed, or after melave malka, or even until the next morning if necessary. That way she will not have any reason to watch the clock.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 11:05 am

Import suitable company. That means a stay-over Shabbos guest.

animeme

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 12:14 pm

This doesn't address the larger picture, but I got tech obsessed ds one of those angry birds games where you shoot actual plastic birds with an actual slingshot at actual plastic pigs and a structure you made. It's close enough o tech because he loves to play angry birds, but requires planning, hand eye coordination and physics too and isn't muktzah.

debsey

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 1:29 pm

animeme wrote:

CUTE! where did you find that?

Rubber Ducky

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 2:18 pm

Low tech Angry Birds game: http://smile.amazon.com/Angry-.....birds

oliveoil

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 2:36 pm

Can she invite a friend to sleep over?

animeme

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 2:41 pm

Rubber Ducky wrote:

Low tech Angry Birds game: http://smile.amazon.com/Angry-.....birds

Exactly.

debsey

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 3:16 pm

Rubber Ducky wrote:

Low tech Angry Birds game: http://smile.amazon.com/Angry-.....birds

thanks! That is adorable!

animeme

Thu, Apr 09 2015, 3:27 pm

OK. I read more closely and I have an idea. Tween- all about friends and feeling important/valued, not stymied. So...

DD and a long distance friend get together by text and Skype and plan out the coming Shabbos together as a "partner" Shabbos. They will be apart, as usual, but will plan together and do the same things in the different locations.

Sunday, they plan a menu for the meals (or just desserts, or salads, or appetizers, or whatever they can handle). Mom shops. Through the week, they talk to each other about their prep. Dd will need your help. That's fine/good. They can also plan what they will wear and coordinate, or table decorations, or make a quiz for the Shabbos table to ask their families- whatever matches their personalities.

Then, when Shabbos comes, she can feel proud and take ownership, and know that her friend is doing the same thing. After Shabbos, they can compare notes.

Maybe?

Bruria

Sat, Apr 11 2015, 8:32 pm

edited

Last edited by Bruria on Sat, Apr 11 2015, 9:59 pm; edited 1 time in total

debsey

Sat, Apr 11 2015, 8:58 pm

Bruria wrote:

What about learning how to code? If she likes computers there are websites like codeacademy that can teach javascript, etc, she would be busy and also would learn a useful skill for the future.

on shabbos?

mirror

Sat, Apr 11 2015, 9:56 pm

Do you know someone with a large family who would take your daughter for shabbos? This way the younger kids can keep her company, since you said the older ones don't want to be with her.

Bruria

Sat, Apr 11 2015, 9:57 pm

LOL I did not read the post carefully( just the title), did not see she meant on shabbos, was thinking in general!Really sorry!

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