BULLIES....and the Bullies who Begat Them

debsey

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 7:31 pm

So, I'm in the playground and DS is playing. Yes, he is playing oddly. We know, he's not the typical child. But he is bothering no one. He is pretending to be an alien/monster thingy as he swings his baby brother on the baby swing. Baby brother is laughing. Actually, for DS, this is quite helpful and pro-social. Yes, the sounds are odd. Who cares?
Bully (same age, but in a regular school) comes by. Starts taunting DS "You have a real pet dog, right?" (DS sort of has a dog - my colleague has several and DS is the "official" owner of one of her dogs, which basically means whenever we can organize it, we go to a park and DS plays with the dog. He's a bit dog obsessed). DS says "I do so" Bully keeps saying "Yeah, right, you're such a liar" I go to intervene and the boy says (I kid you NOT) "Yeah, well you lie for your kids!" Eventually, bully keeps imitating DS's "alien" noises and DS kicks the air in front of him.
Bully's mother chooses this moment to finally bestir herself from contemplating the beauty of her manicure to walk over and say in her sweetest voice "Mrs. X, maybe you need to talk to your DS about how violence is never the answer....."
I say "You mean to forty minutes of non-stop taunting?"
She pretends I didn't speak and sweeps away.

I just came in to find my HS age daughter crying. She was just so upset when she saw this, she left the park.

Clearly, the kid takes after SOMEONE. I know that all people get their just desserts in life. Can't I PLEASE buy tickets to watch her get hers???????

amother

Coffee

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 8:13 pm

I'm a teacher who no longer wants to teach for many reasons but primarily because of this kind of parent. These kids don't come to school and bully others for no reason. You're lucky this woman didn't start yelling at you. I've had that happen when I've tried discussing behaviors so we could help the child. Good luck to this woman when her child is a teen.

amother

Lemon

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 8:16 pm

Hashem punishes the bullies' parents, but sometimes not until years later.

My oldest son was delayed as a toddler, but he is normal now, thank G-d.

Once at the playground another child tried to throw my son off the slide. The mother said, "If you don't behave, we will go home." The mother did absolutely nothing to stop her son and made no sign of leaving the playground. I had to step in to save my child's life.

This child did not react at all to his mother. His mother had clearly taught him that he will never be punished and she certainly would never leave a playground.

I later heard that this child bullied lots of other kids, too.

Years later, a terrible tragedy happened to this family. My heart goes out to this family.

(I will say it was not a fire. I will not play twenty questions for this.)

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 8:45 pm

I am not surprised by bullying, but was super surprised that it started so young. 4 yo DD was playing outside and two girls were making fun of her that her underwear was showing. I saw the whole thing and told the girls off. But four?!?! I thought that is still the age where everyone is still accepting and nice

amother

Violet

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:01 pm

well debsey, I am also a lkwd parent.

this week is the first time in a long time that my children have felt OK to play outside and they came in tonight saying how kids made fun of them. my kids are not special-needs but would totally make alien-monster noises for fun. so take heart, for us that's normal play Smile

its heartbreaking. sometimes the wheel of life takes a long time to turn. I tell my children that hashem sees it all and He knows it all. I teach them to try to do the right thing and only fight if you have to. I tell them mostly to walk away and to let Hashem fight their battles because He always wins.

FranticFrummie

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:09 pm

amother wrote:

When DD was in kindergarten she'd come home with her legs covered in bruises. There was a boy sitting across from her, who would kick her shins all day long. They moved the desks, but he'd just walk over and kick her anyway.

The kid's dad was a big name rabbi with tons of yichus, so of course nobody did anything to stop him, no matter how much I complained. By first grade DD's anxiety was so bad that she was refusing to go to school, constantly complaining of headaches and stomach aches, and wouldn't even attend the last day of school party. I had to pull her out of that school before second grade.

My biggest regret is not pulling her out sooner, but I thought I was "lucky" to get her into this top school. It has such a good reputation that I kept hoping that the administration would work things out, like they kept promising me they would. Mad

Ema of 5

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 10:06 pm

I dropped my son off at the park today cuz some of his friends were playing baseball. My daughter wanted to go too, so she went out of the car and I watched her walk. She was standing next to the fence, a little timid, when a TEENAGER walked by and said hi to her. It wasn't a nice friendly hi, it was a standoffish, intimidating hi. My well taught daughter didn't say hi back, and the girl "got upset." She then walked with her friends to the benches where the boys were playing and she started talkig about "f-ing jews." At that point I parked my car and went back to the park. Her and her friends were on their way out of the park at that point. Of course on the way, she made sure to make a comment about "the f-ing chinks not saying hi." She got into it through the fence with one of the guys and I was scared she was going to come back to the park and start something. Thank god their way home was in the opposite direction of the park.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 1:13 am

My son is not special needs, but he has a very soft nature and therefore finds himself the target of bullies quite often. Recently, he was being bullied so badly to the point where he didn't want to go to school anymore, so I spoke to the principal to have a meeting with the other child's parents. As soon as I met the mother, I understood where her son learned to be a bully. She blamed my son for being "an easy target" (no, I am not joking, she really said this.) She aggressively "asked" me to forgive her son because he feels bad for hurting my son. I asked if he would apologize, and she asked why I was giving her son such a hard time. The principal had to intervene and say to the boy, "Are you sorry for hurting Amother's son?" to which he said, "yah." That was it. But what can I expect from a child whose own mother models bullying behavior?

imaima

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 2:36 am

debsey wrote:

Thank you FF. I feel hugged! It is really true - having kids is like taking your heart and giving it legs and letting it walk around. Having a special needs kid is like this, but your heart has a giant "kick me" sign on it.

You were really nice to her. And you were right to let ds deal with the situation first without mixing in right away. And you have raised kids who share empathy and love for each other and are not self-centered brats.
Kol hakavod!

amother

Violet

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 10:36 am

//As soon as I met the mother, I understood where her son learned to be a bully. She blamed my son for being "an easy target" (no, I am not joking, she really said this.)//

We had a similar experience. When my child said something to the mother of a bully on our block to see if she would stop her son's horrible behavior, she turned on him and said why do u always try to get "yankele" in trouble. Hello??!! He is hurting people! And my son is the "bad" guy for pointing it out to her??!! My kids refer to her as Aunt Petunia (from Harry Potter) Smile

debsey

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 1:47 pm

amother wrote:

WOW...that really takes the cake. Talk about blaming the victim! It's like these parents are not on the same planet as the rest of us. If I heard my kid was bullying another kid (and over the years, I've been the mother of the "instigator" of the fight plenty of times. I have 8 kids - it happens that sometimes YOUR kid is in the wrong, right?!) I want to know about it! I want to make my son take responsibility and work on making the other kid feel better. That's my job as a mother. This lady sounds like a real piece of work.

debsey

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 1:49 pm

imaima wrote:

Thank you. I forgot which book I read this in - "You can't always love your enemies. You will, however, be perfectly polite to them." Polite I can do.

debsey

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 2:27 pm

marina wrote:

yes, some parents actively enable their horribly-behaved children. Others, however, just don't know how to handle them at all, and are at a total loss. We should not lump the two in the same category.

It's not always easy to tell the difference, but in the second case, you have to ask the school to take an active role. DS (same one as in first story) was being bullied on the bus and the mom of the kid basically said to me - I really have no control over him. Make a long story short, the school eventually insisted on that kid being in intensive therapy, and sent the mom to a parenting class (I know because I take the same class!) The mom told me she initially was upset, but now her son is much more manageable at HOME, because of all the intervention. I don't consider a mom like that the "enabling" mother, but either way, the school has to get involved.

mirror

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 2:30 pm

debsey wrote:

Wow. You were really lucky the school got involved.