Holding back a child in middle school

amother

Aqua

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 9:43 pm

Has anyone here ever done this?

Some background: (Sorry if it's a bit disjointed. It's hard to get my thoughts down.)
We're strongly considering holding back our ds to repeat the 7th grade at a different yeshiva. The one he is currently in has failed him miserably. He is so incredibly bright but challenging, and he struggles emotionally and socially. Some of the ways the school has let us down are:
He's allowed to skip classes and sit in the principal's office all day long.
He has an IEP and services that should have begun at the start of the school year are not starting until this week! (We are considering suing the school, but that's a discussion for another time.)
One of his teachers couldn't handle him in her class, so he no longer takes this subject. The principal told me he would allow ds to do self-study on the computer, but this never happened.
He doesn't go to davening because tefillah is a challenge for him (he spent 2 years in public school and fell behind in this area), and none of the rebbeim seem to want to help him.

I can't imagine him being ready for HS in a year. And having to interview for HS in December or January? No way.

Ds was already devastated to learn he wouldn't be going back to the same school in September. But the school we interviewed at today suggested he might be better off repeating the grade. He's one of the younger boys in 7th grade (won't have his bar mitzvah until early Sept.), and there's another student who would be older than him--this boy is in 6th grade and will be bar mitzvahed in a few weeks. So ds wouldn't be the oldest in his class.

How can I explain this to my son so he will understand that he can only benefit from repeating the grade? I'm sure he'll worry that his friends will make fun of him. Although I don't think he knows anyone at this new school, so that may not be a problem. But I know he'll be concerned about what his friends at his current school will think.
Thoughts? Any and all advice--especially from someone who's been through this--will be appreciated.

12rivkyk34

Tue, Apr 21 2015, 11:00 pm

I'm sure this is done often, although for you this is very major. why don't you ask the principal at the new school for the words to describe to your son how the new situation will benefit him? does he admit that this year was a challenge? you can tell him something like:
"Ds, me and your father spoke to the new school and it seems like they have a program that would better suit your needs, you'd have classes that you can enjoy, on your level, teachers that understand you and friends to interact with too! In this school, some boys whose birthday is September, are only in 6th grade as they want each boy to learn what is good for that age and not pressure students to learn harder material like gemara or geometry before they are ready. We discussed it with the principal and we decided that you would gain so much from being from the older boys in your class and because you learned some of the material, it may even be easier for you when reviewing those topics next year. And the topics that you missed while in the principlas office- you'll have the opportunity to learn them with a rebbi or teacher who is more understanding of your specific needs. We are really excited about this change and will be here for you throughout the transition."

just some thoughts...

Tablepoetry

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 3:02 am

Think this over very carefully. You need to be 100% sure that his self-esteem won't plummet, because without self-esteem no learning will be accomplished even in the best of schools.

You also need to consider, are your son's difficulties mainly due to the school, or to him. In other words, are you certain that he will do so much better when he repeats grade seven. Sometimes parents keep a child back, and he pretty much repeats his earlier performance.

I think it boils down to his feelings on the subject. If he's open to the option, then why not. It could be a great idea.
If he considers it the end of the world, then no, I would not force him, more harm will be done than good. In this case, I would definitely let him go on to grade 8; you don't want him to feel a failure. But you can invest all your energy into making sure he really learns in grade 8. It's not too late.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 3:40 am

I'm in a very similar place with my 11yo DD, for very similar reasons. I actually had to pull her out of school and start home schooling, because she was spending all of her time in the school counselor's office or in the nurse's office with anxiety issues.

Call for a FULL IEP review, NOW. Talk to your son about getting a fresh start at a new school. Make it sound fun and exciting to meet new kids, and have better learning opportunities.

We're making Aliyah this summer, and DD will be held back to repeat 6th grade when she starts back in a regular school in Israel. The timing could not be more perfect for us, and DD is absolutely fine with it. She's very petite for her age, and has emotional and social delays, so it will be a really good fit.

Her first year will focus entirely on Hebrew fluency and social development, and anything she picks up academically will be a bonus. If she catches up really fast, they may move her up in the middle of the year, or not. We'll assess the situation as we go along. I LOVE how flexible this school is going to be about adapting to her needs. (Dati/Torani school.)

Amother poster Marina has been extremely helpful with all of my questions. I'm sure if you PM'ed her she'd be glad to help walk you through the school system.

amother

Green

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 5:36 am

Tablepoetry wrote:

Table poetry is right. I was held back in kindergarten, because my parents thought I needed more time to "play" because of all the chaos going on with family dynamics. About 35 years later, it still haunts me.

imasinger

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 6:56 am

Seriously, green amother? What was so traumatic about repeating kindergarten?

I was pushed up into first grade rather than do a second year of kindergarten when my birthday was a little after the deadline, because I could read but was no good with scissors. This was back before the days of OT, or ADD diagnoses. I suffered socially until college, in part because my social skills were weak even for my age, let alone for kids a year older than me.

OP, it sounds like you DS must be pretty miserable in his current school. If the new school does any kind of assessment, you could tell him matter of factly that grade placement depends on that, and since he is young for his current grade anyway, there is no big deal about being in 7th grade elsewhere next year.

These things do happen regularly, especially when changing schools. IMO, if you present it like it's nothing to be concerned about, he will probably get past any discomfort very quickly.

justcallmeima

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 10:51 am

Allowing him to have a "do-over" with Seventh Grade might be the perfect thing for him, or it might be a complete disaster. One key will be HIS attitude towards it. If HE thinks it would be the perfect opportunity to start with a clean slate, then he will likely put the effort forth to prove that he can do it.

The other key piece is the support that the school will provide. Are you sure that this new school will give him the supports and accommodations he will need? I encourage you to speak to parents of kids with similar issues to your ds to find out if the school actually does what they say they will do. The kind of thing that you experienced at his current school (e.g. promising services for September and not delivering until April!!!) are unfortunately all too common with yeshivos. Even when they have the best of intentions. If he repeats the grade and the school doesn't come through with their end, it will only serve to reinforce in his mind the fact that he is "the problem". As a Special Ed, teacher I have worked with too many teens who got completely turned off of Yiddishkeit and school in general because of a lack of appropriate supports and interventions in elementary school.

I would pitch the idea to him with the most positive spin, but at the end of the day, I feel strongly that it should be HIS decision. If he buys in to the idea, he is more likely to put forth effort and to succeed. If not, the school should be able to provide similar supports and accommodations in 8th Grade as they could in 7th. If they can't, I would put him back in public school. I would much rather put my child in public school with appropriate supports than let him just occupy space in a yeshiva.

amother

Aqua

Wed, Apr 22 2015, 12:41 pm

OP here. Thank you all for your advice. We are very familiar with this new school as we had to transfer our oldest ds here in 6th grade after the bullying at another yeshiva wouldn't stop and the administration did nothing to help him.
I know the principals at this school very well, and they are amazing. It was their suggestion to hold him back a year because of his lack of maturity, and because they feel that the current seventh-grade class is too cliquey, mature, and sports-minded, and that it would be hard for my son to break into that group in eighth grade.
It's lousy to have to transfer a child with only one year left before graduation. But I'm thinking that he'll have more time to get acclimated with two years in this school with a loving and caring administration and may be better prepared for HS in two years than in just one.
So hard to make this decision. But I truly believe there won't be any permanent scarring. Temporary pain, yes. And maybe he'll feel just a bit of gratitude when he's an adult and realizes we did the best thing for him.