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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Adult son with ADHD
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 11:32 pm
adderall and any other medicaiton will only work if the person *wants* to help themselves! I can be on adderall and still klutz around all day and do nothing. But if I want to be productive, but maintaining focus is a struggle for me, Adderall is helping me focus. your son needs help, as everyone else has said. If he isnt interested in changing his life all the meds in the world won't do a thing.
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amother
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Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 12:22 am
seeker wrote:
You said "he knows we won't let them be thrown out." In other words, he knows he doesn't really need to take responsibility. He is being an overgrown baby and you are enabling it by playing his game. Poor DIL does not "deserve" this, just as most of us don't "deserve" our tzaros in life, but by being married to him this problem belongs to them together now. I wouldn't blame her for not loving you much but it won't be because you didn't host your son's family - it'll be because you didn't warn her, let your DS get married when he had no tools to be an adult. Anyway, back to point, if he gets evicted and she decides to go back to her parents or friend or someone who will take her but not him, that will teach him something too. She may or may not end up sleeping on the street. But be aware that if you keep picking up the pieces for DS then he will expect you to continue doing so beyond your capabilities. He will have no problem running you into the ground. Yes, a therapist might help you learn to draw the line better than any of us can. But line must be drawn.


Just for the record my DIL knew everything . Much more than we knew.
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Lady Bug




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 12:28 am
amother wrote:
One of the reasons I want them to move here is so I can speak to DIL about all this.
I'll look into that book.
I could let them be evicted (which I warned them I will ) but then I'll loose my DIL's love & I really need her on board to help him. Also why does she deserve this?


Seriously? This is such manipulative thinking. Do you love your daughter in law or do you love yourself? You are paying the rent so you can earn dil's love so she can serve your purposes in controlling your son? Please get a life. Get some therappy for yourself to help your unhealthy obsession with saving your son whose am adult and responsible for himself now, while your son learns some hard lessons from life itself. Stop cushioning the fall for him, he needs to hit the ground for once so he can get himself back together. Really. If you trully love your son, then stay out of his life. Let him learn, let him struggle, let him fly. Give him the space he needs to grow.

And regarding no time for therapy? It's all a matter of priorities, honey.
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amother
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Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 12:46 am
Lady Bug wrote:
Seriously? This is such manipulative thinking. Do you love your daughter in law or do you love yourself? You are paying the rent so you can earn dil's love so she can serve your purposes in controlling your son? Please get a life. Get some therappy for yourself to help your unhealthy obsession with saving your son whose am adult and responsible for himself now, while your son learns some hard lessons from life itself. Stop cushioning the fall for him, he needs to hit the ground for once so he can get himself back together. Really. If you trully love your son, then stay out of his life. Let him learn, let him struggle, let him fly. Give him the space he needs to grow.

And regarding no time for therapy? It's all a matter of priorities, honey.


That's nasty ok?
I don't interfere in their lives.
They want to come here to bum off us.
I don't want them thrown on the street - that's so unreasonable?
I don't need therapy for my sons issues and I work full time & have many children besides this one. His therapy is not my priority. PTA is, supper is, laundry is & spending time with my other kids is.
And me going to therapy won't help him BTDT.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 2:28 am
amother wrote:
That's nasty ok?
I don't interfere in their lives.
They want to come here to bum off us.
I don't want them thrown on the street - that's so unreasonable?
I don't need therapy for my sons issues and I work full time & have many children besides this one. His therapy is not my priority. PTA is, supper is, laundry is & spending time with my other kids is.
And me going to therapy won't help him BTDT.


Interesting.

A DS who can't or won't acknowledge that he has a problem, and is unable or unwilling to work to function productively in the world, in spite of his many great gifts.

And a mother who can't or won't acknowledge a problem (the fact that their continuing to protect DS from failure is enabling him to continue being irresponsible), and is unable or unwilling to work to resolve the issue, despite many gifts.

Both who say, "I've tried what other people say is helpful, and it doesn't work for me. I'm different. I don't need help; I'm just fine."

I wonder what the DH says and does.
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amother
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Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 3:19 am
imasinger wrote:
Interesting.

A DS who can't or won't acknowledge that he has a problem, and is unable or unwilling to work to function productively in the world, in spite of his many great gifts.

And a mother who can't or won't acknowledge a problem (the fact that their continuing to protect DS from failure is enabling him to continue being irresponsible), and is unable or unwilling to work to resolve the issue, despite many gifts.

Both who say, "I've tried what other people say is helpful, and it doesn't work for me. I'm different. I don't need help; I'm just fine."

I wonder what the DH says and does.


I do acknowledge the problem . Hence my dilemma. However I refuse to own his problem.
He's accused us of being unsupportive, uncaring etc
I need to know how to stick to boundaries being that there's a wife & baby involved.
We are already perceived as cruel & uncaring by DS and I'm sure by DIL.
We are sending money to the mechutan since he's been supporting them ,without them knowing that we are.
The mechutan sees nothing wrong with young marrieds bumming around & being supported for years.
We come out being the bad ones as we won't enable them to do so here.
The psychiatrist friend we spoke to is of the opinion that we should support them as they can't /wont and the baby should not suffer because of our sons ADHD.
But even if we could afford to we refuse to because we want DS to get himself together. But maybe he never will?
Do his wife & child need to be a korban ?
I'm not manipulating anyone. If we help them settle here there's a greater chance of DS getting help as I can get DIL on board.
I think some of you are just not getting the complexity of the issue when there's a family involved & a family which can potentially break up over DS's ADHD.
Can I help prevent that without enabling him? Or do we cut our losses (like our other kids suggest) and accept the fact that DS is special needs & we should treat him as such?
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 3:32 am
A therapist can help you come to a satisfactory conclusion much better than us. They have the tools and experience. A therapist can tell you if you're enabling or helping. A therapist can tell you if you're enmeshed with your son or not. A therapist can help you figure out what to let go of, and what to hold tight.
We can only give you from what you share and what's been offered, you have shot down.
Go to someone who could really help and support you.
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Lady Bug




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 10:32 am
"I cannot help my son, since I am not God. I cannot make his life right, since only Hashem can do that. I will let Hashem take care of my son, his wife, and his baby. I will take care of myself instead."

Rinse. Repeat. As many times as necessary.

OP, I get your pain. I understand completely, even though I wish I wouldn't. You are so deep in denial and so focused on saving your son, I bet you are neglecting your other kids in the process. When I suggested therapy, I was not even thinking of your married son. He's over and done with. He's passed the age of you raising him, and he now is in Hashems charge. I was thinking more along the lines of getting help for yourself to find peace of mind and so that you can identify the patterns in yourself that may have contributed to the current situation with your son, so that you don't land in the same situation with the rest of your kids.

Im not saying it's easy to step aside when your child struggles. I don't even know what the right thing to do is regarding your son. You might be right, but do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
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Lady Bug




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 10:55 am
amother wrote:
I do acknowledge the problem . Hence my dilemma. However I refuse to own his problem.


You realize there's a problem, but do you truly acknowledge THE problem? You say you refuse to own his problem, yet you are in full possession of it, coming on here to ask for different ways to get him to get his life together.

Quote:
He's accused us of being unsupportive, uncaring etc
I need to know how to stick to boundaries being that there's a wife & baby involved.
We are already perceived as cruel & uncaring by DS and I'm sure by DIL.


What they think of you is their problem, and should not influence your actions and decisions at all. You are the only one who needs to be ok with whatever you decide. Boundaries are important regardless of wife and baby, and what seems like cruelty can actually be love and vice versa. החותך שבטו שונא בנו.

Quote:
We are sending money to the mechutan since he's been supporting them ,without them knowing that we are.
The mechutan sees nothing wrong with young marrieds bumming around & being supported for years.


Mechutin's actions are not your responsibility. If he wants to go broke helping your son bumming around, you don't need to support that. By giving money, you are saying that you too are ok with young marrieds bumming around. Cut the lifeline to his craziness!

Quote:
We come out being the bad ones as we won't enable them to do so here.


Who cares. In general, if you are doing things with the right intentions, your child will feel loved even when the act seems unloving.

Quote:
The psychiatrist friend we spoke to is of the opinion that we should support them as they can't /wont and the baby should not suffer because of our sons ADHD.


Talk to a therapist, not a psychiatrist friend. Hashem placed the child with those parents, and He knows what's best for this child.

Quote:
But even if we could afford to we refuse to because we want DS to get himself together. But maybe he never will?
Do his wife & child need to be a korban ?


Maybe he never will. That's up to him, and painful to recognize. His wife and childwetter placed there by Hashem. They are not your responsibility.

Quote:
I'm not manipulating anyone. If we help them settle here there's a greater chance of DS getting help as I can get DIL on board.


Lol. Do you hear your own words?

Quote:
I think some of you are just not getting the complexity of the issue when there's a family involved & a family which can potentially break up over DS's ADHD. Can I help prevent that without enabling him?


If his family breaks up, it will be as a consequence of his actions. If it's on the radar it will happen eventually, and you stepping in to prevent it will just prolong your son's suffering. Maybe the realization that he might lose his wife and baby is the wake up call he needs to get his life in order. He will never hear it if you keep interfering with a lot of noise.

Quote:
Or do we cut our losses (like our other kids suggest) and accept the fact that DS is special needs & we should treat him as such?


Acceptance is always a good thing. You need to come out of denial first, however, so that you can know what it is that you are accepting [quote]
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Apr 27 2015, 11:45 am
OP, I know that Lady Bug's words sound harsh to you, rude and heartless even.

The thing is, she's 100% right, and I'm sure that deep down you know it, and that's why you're having such a strong reaction to her posts. She's giving you a straight dose of tough love, that you need to hear.

Remember, I've seen this play out in my own family, and NO ONE wins when enabling goes on. It just keeps repeating the cycle, and will never end until someone breaks it. Your DS is not capable of breaking that cycle right now, so it has to be you.
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