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What kind of nanny would you rather have?
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amother
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Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 2:48 pm
Dh and I have a live in - I am a stay at home mom but my kids are all a year apart and almost due IY"H and the help has been a necessity. I could have a live out but the day starts so early here and DH needs to get to work so having someone else around starting at 7 AM is really helpful as is having her around till about 7 at night too.
The only thing is she is kind of cold....aloof. She's in her 50's and I see she is tired a lot. I sometimes feel she is as tired as me at the end of a day and I am 9 months pregnant. Also she doesn't interact with the kids that much - I passed by the bathroom while she was helping my oldest take a shower and she was sitting on the side looking at her cell phone. When my girls are done with their baths/shower, she helps get them in pajamas but doesnt take a brush to their hair. They walk around looking like messes till I see them then I either ask her to brush or do it myself. When she takes the kids to play she reads a magazine or stares in to space. I asked my 6 year old and she said she doesn't play with them. She also doesn't feed my kids except breakfast which she doesn't go out of her way to make healthy. If I wasn't around at dinner time for any reason she would just let them snack till I came home. And she doesn't initiate doing the baths at 5:00 PM so thats something else I have to push along. During the day with kids all out of house she cleans up, laundry dishes etc.
My question is - if you are the type that has help in the house, would you want the kind that is kind of off standish and not so in to the kids, or would you look for a nurturer and a kind of second mom to help you? Someone who would take pride in making sure your kids looked clean and groomed, and were well fed?
My only fear is that my kids would love the help more than me and I would feel sad!!! But at the same time if I am busy and need my kids bathed and fed I am nervous it wouldn't happen!!! I keep wondering what will happen when I Gd Willing am in hospital to give birth. I think I will have to keep calling and making sure she's on top of things. I started leaving post its around the house with little instructions (like dont let the tv volume go above this number I am ALWAYS lowering it she doesnt seem to care the kids hearing could be compromised by the volume it ends up on!!!)
For all you who are going to judge me being a stay at home mom with full time help, I do not have family that helps. No aunts uncles either. We rely on our paid help to be our extra hands. Have a weekend bar mitzvah? It's a nanny in the house on a Sunday not a grandparent. I wish I had family help so don't judge my situation and I won't judge yours!!! I honestly just want to know what opinions on this are and if I should try to find someone else.
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asp40




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 2:52 pm
Your kids will never love their nanny as much as they love you. You need help that takes direction and can do her job. She also needs down time, same as a SAHM needs some down time. I think you need to make a list of duties and figure out what is you and what is her.

Take this with a grain of salt from someone who should have hired help, but never did.
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amother
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Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 2:57 pm
In terms of down time - how much should she have? When she is done at 7 PM my kids are all still awake but her day ends and I don't say please hang around till I get them all to sleep. During the day, she takes her meal breaks and if the day is quiet she sits around and stretches out lunch. I am in and out so don't keep track of what she is doing when I am not home.....
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asp40




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 3:01 pm
7am -7pm is a long day for anyone, especially hired help who probably feel like they need ro be "on." Again, I've never had help, but I would think ro give her set hours off during the day. Like 11am-2pm is her free time. Or whatever works. Then the hours are manageable.
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studying_torah




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 3:03 pm
Perhaps a 45 minute break during the day would help energize her; 12 hours straight is a lot !
I def would look for someone warmer, don't worry about the kids not loving you. Kids need to be surrounded by as many loving ppl as possible! If there are no relatives to provide this, the nanny should.
Good luck and b'shaa tova!
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naturalmom5




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 3:08 pm
For one are you too wishy washy with her
Tell her what you want

However ,you can't have it both ways
If you get Mary poppins it will be competition . If you get Peggy Bundy you need to kick her into shape

Bshaah Tova
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amother
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Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 3:19 pm
OP here
Like the peg bundy reference lol.

She's not working 12 hours straight....I mean all 3 kids go to school and are out 6 hours a day at least. And when they come home I tend to keep them busy so they don't fall asleep. Her role with them restarts around 4ish usually sometimes a little before if my youngest asks for an early bath. So from 9-3/4 it's housework for her and it doesnt take that long I dont live in a mansion Smile The most time consuming thing she does is the laundry and that's every day pretty much with the kids stuff.
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Amarante




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 3:36 pm
You are asking a lot from your live-in as she is more than a nanny as she is also performing housekeeping chores as well. In my experience, a "nanny" doesn't generally also clean the house so perhaps it's easier if you think of her as a live-in housekeeper/maid who also provides some assistance with childcare.

That said, I think one of the issues is that neither of you seem to be clear on duties and responsibilities.

You say she is not "working" 12 hours straight but does that mean she is free to go to her room and take a nap. Are there a set number of "hours" in the week when she is expected to be working?

Also, some of your complaints are emotional/subjective in terms of her not interacting with the children in a warm manner. However, some of the issues are very objective and could be solved easily by your leaving her with instructions as to what to feed the children for breakfast and what snacks are permitted for dinner. If she is to serve them dinner, then you should provide her with explicit menu and instructions. Leaving post-its around is a bit passive aggressive - if you want her to not play the volume of the television too high, then tell her. And unless your kids literally have their ear up against it, it's unlikely that any television has enough volume to impact hearing :-) but if high volume disturbs you, then you certainly have a right to make a request. If you want her to brush the hair after a shower, specify it as part of a checklist of what needs to be done.

Do you think the children are impacted detrimentally by the nanny's lack of warmth. Since you are essentially still there as the mother, I don't think it matters really since the nanny is really there to provide assistance with functions since you are available for "mothering" on more or less a full time basis.

I don't think children attach to nannies at the expense of parents unless the parents are absentee parents significantly - I.e. like royalty used to be raised where they saw the parents for maybe a 1/2 hour very formally and then were whisked off to the nursery.
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amother
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Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 3:48 pm
Op here
For hair brushing after bath - I asked her last week to do it but next night she didn't so I reminded her. I've also asked her to watch the volume of TV but she seems to forget that as well so I put the post it's so that when I am in hospital she can pay attention. Maybe she won't though and I won't be here to know anyway. She's with me for a few years by the way.
I guess having her and her not being the loving kind is fine as above poster said. Sometimes I just feel like she isn't gonna go above and beyond and I wish she would.
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amother
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Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 3:52 pm
And her wish is for her role to be more childcare not cleaning. She won't do heavy cleaning she refuses. She thinks of herself as a nanny not a cleaner.
When my third child began school I approached her with a cleaning schedule for the week. She literally cried for a day and said this isn't what she signed up to do. But I had no kids at home for hours! Cleaning is not her wish she wants to do child care. But in time she's taken over the cleaning she just won't be extra thorough she says I need a cleaning lady to do the extra
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Lady Bug




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:01 pm
What do you want her main duties to be? Housekeeping or childcare? If you expect a significant chunk of childcare, I would want someone warm and tuned in. Just beware that good help can be hard to find.
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wantavaca




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:05 pm
op, you prob dont want to hear this, but its time for a new helper.
You dont have to worry about your kids loving her more than you.
get someone who cares about doing a good job nd wants to please you- it will be much easier for you and money much more well spent.
do some networking and find someone new. younger maybe
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amother
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Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:08 pm
Well since she isn't keen on cleaning (though she does daily duties in a light manor) I guess I would want to focus on having good childcare. I know it's hard to find..,Is it possible to find someone who is good with kids but can do laundry and light cleaning daily?
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amother
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Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:11 pm
I kind of wish she would leave me I hate to have to fire someone Sad
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amother
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Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:18 pm
Something that bothered us was that on pesach we were in a hotel. So even tho our day started early with the kids waking 630ish, breakfast wasn't till 8 so I told her she can start at 8. First few days she came to our room at 8 and lent a hand Bc kids were busy getting dressed etc. one morning we woke early and dh and I got them ready and we were in the lobby at 8 am and there she was sitting on a couch looking on her phone. Dh said she knows it's hard for us and busy getting them out the door and she was in the hotel already (she was staying near by not in our hotel so she had arrived already) but she didn't come up because why would she work even 5 extra minutes? That's the kind of worker she is. And I gave her plenty of breaks on pesach - if it was a late night I gave mornings off and if not a late night I still wouldn't keep her working any longer than needed. I try to be fair....
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Frumdoc




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:23 pm
At 50+ you are expecting an awful lot for someone to be working from 7am till 7pm even with at least 2 hours break, that is still a 10 hr day for 6 or 7 days a week.

She may be developing hearing loss, and can't hear the tv at a lower level, and doesn't get how you can. Stamina decreases with age as well, expecting her to work such long hours even with a long lunch break is probably excessive and exhausting. Plus, doing housework plus childcare is a lot to ask, even if you think she is siting around doing nothing all day, if she had that time to recover she might be more enthusiastic in the evening.

When does she do stuff for herself? Her hour lunch break, or after 7? Sounds pretty isolating for her.

She sounds like she no longer wants or enjoys the job, and you don't want or enjoy her input or company. If she had fewer hours, maybe she might put more of herself into it, but right now it doesn't seem you suit each other. I would end it and find a young person who may have more stamina, or hire a cleaner as well.
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amother
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Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:27 pm
Above poster you are right she seems miserable she hardly smiles - I asked dh what she was doing while kids were playing with her one day and he stared straight ahead. No emotion no joy nothing. I agree we must not be suited for each other. But she will be unhappy to be fired and def not expecting it.
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rising hero




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:38 pm
Here's my humble advice. Tell it to her the way it is; what you expect from her, what her duties are and ask if she can do it. Explain in a nice way that she better shape up or ship out.
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amother
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Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:39 pm
What anyone else would want is immaterial as they're not you. What you need to decide is what you want. Do you want a childcare giver or a housekeeper? It's not realistic to expect both. If what you want most is childcare, then advertise for a nanny and look for someone warm and loving. It's ok, the kids won't get confused as to who their mommy is if you give them love and attention, too.

But know this: a nanny is a professional caregiver, not a housekeeper, and real nannies don't do housework. If you want someone to keep your house clean so you can devote your time to looking after your kids, advertise for a housekeeper. In this case what you would look for is efficiency and a strong work ethic. Obviously you would want someone who is cordial and can get along with children, who wouldn't yell at your children for spilling grape juice on the newly-mopped floor, e.g., but she wouldn't have to be a warm-fuzzy type.

If you want someone who does both, then you advertise for a housekeeper/caregiver, not a nanny. If you want someone who will "go above and beyond" you have to make that clear at the outset. And if you don't mind my asking, how much are you paying her? What are you doing for her that would make her want to go out of her way for you? Nothing you have said makes you sound like an employer who inspires such devotion. I'm not saying you aren't, but you haven't given any info that would make me think you are.

Working a 12-hour day is brutal. Does she work 7 days a week? Does she have any time off other than the hours between 7 pm and 7 am? Does she get time off for meals? Can she leave the house during the hours between 7 am and 7 pm other than to run errands for you? Remember this is a human being, not a machine. In her 50s she's not so very young and running after young children is hard, especially if she's been doing housework all day. If it's not so much work then why haven't you been doing it all these years? You haven't been in your ninth month all that time.

Now if you feel you can't trust this woman with your children on her own, why have you retained her all this time? What did you do the last time you had a baby? Did you leave her in charge?

You do seem to be expecting Mary Poppins--who, you will recall, only stayed "until the wind changes". You usually get better results with real people when you give clear, specific, and consistent instructions and don't expect them to read your mind or voluntarily go "above and beyond." Your housekeeper or whatever she is isn't in this for love of you or because she's looking to help humankind or because she "wants to help people", all of which might be reasons why people would give more of themselves to a job than the job warrants. . You sound a little like southern slave owners protesting that their slaves love them and are far better off than they would be on the outside, in fact they're like part of the family. Well, your housekeeper (really, you call her your live-in? you don't even give her the dignity of a job title?) is not part of your family. She's in it to make a living, possibly to support her own family in another country. Give me three good reasons why she should go "above and beyond"? Never mind three, give me one.
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amother
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Post Sun, Apr 26 2015, 4:47 pm
She makes 100 a day. She decides if she works 5 days in a week or 6. I don't ask for 6 but if she wants to stay on Shabbos it's up to her. Sometimes she does and sometimes not. Also she doesn't run my errands ever...that's totally not in the job description. She has 2 weeks paid vacation and 5 sick days and all national holidays off.

She didn't work for me when my youngest was a new baby. I think she started when she was either one or two I can't remember.
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